pickup for Rhymes10

Title: 4/7.

Author: rhymes10

Reviewer: byunsarang

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First Thoughts:

 - Title: Very interesting. It managed to make me wonder what the connection these numbers have with the story. After reading the description, I have a guess what the title means so I can say that the title is very creative and represents the story well. But I think it would be better if you remove the dot at the end of the title (‘4/7’ instead of ‘4/7.’).
 

 - Description: Both description and title are crucial because just like people said the first few words determine the readers’ interest. Your description did not give out too much also did not give out too little as well, which is a good thing since you don’t want the readers to find out what your story is about even before reading the whole thing. I like that you use a layout that matches the poster and the story’s theme. It increases the attractiveness of your description. But then again, using good and consistent grammar is also vital. There are a few mistakes that I found. Here is the edit.

“On the third week of winter, during his busy schedules, Baekhyun sent an attachment of a photo to your sns (SNS)¹ that contains (contained) a list of things he wanted to do with you after he finished the last concert of his newest album promotion for a week. Since the day he confessed to you, Baekhyun tried to give everything that he has (had), but you limit (limited or restrained) yourself. Baekhyun and you (You and Baekhyun)²should be (could have been) the one that lasted long (to last) for centuries, but fate said no. Baekhyun promised you forever, but you broke (I think 'ruined' will match the context better) the intentions. Baekhyun spared a week for you, but that’s only lasted four (I don’t really understand this part, did you mean four days?). When the last snowflake fell, the spring must (would) comes (come) bravely to swept (sweep) the sorrows away. All of the things that remain (remained) were only tears, memories, and… regrets.

Explanation:
¹ abbreviation should be composed of capitals.
² pronouns (except ‘I’ and ‘me’) normally come before the other noun.
 

 - Poster: It suit really nicely to the genre of your story. I can feel the sorrow and angst-y vibe from it. Also, you made it yourself? Wow… just wow… it’s so beautiful! Four thumbs up for you!
 

 - Plot: The story was good and I found myself growing very curious on how Serri, who was a non-celebrity, could date a huge star like Baekhyun, what was the thing Serri was hiding, and how their ending would be, though in my opinion, it’d be better if you start giving hint that Serri was hiding something from the first chapter. In addition, I realized that it is very unrealistic how the two of them could be on dates without getting caught by fans. On the first chapter whem Serri and Baekhyun went for a stroll in downtown, I noticed that Baekhyun wasn’t using any face cover like hat or mask, and the manager didn’t even scold him for that. On the second chapter too, though Baekhyun was wearing a hat, I just find it weird that the both of them didn’t feel scared to get caught but on the other hand, when Serri brought lunchboxes for the members, she was afraid to get captured by the fans and made a rumor. The master you mentioned in your story may approve their relationship but it’s just odd that he even let Baekhyun wander off everywhere he wanted and skipped his practice, on top of that, without wearing any protection at all. Maybe you want to elaborate more about that.
 

 - Grammar: I noticed that your use of grammar is inconsistent in the story, for example in chapter one, you opened the chapter using past tense but then you switched to present tense, and then you switched again to past tense. For narrative text, usually the use of narrative tenses which actually is past tense, is a must, but again it’s up to the writer. But it is obligated for the writer to be consistent about it since we don’t want to confuse the reader.
 

 - Style: I personally am not a really big fan of stories with second person point of view but to be objective, your writing style is pleasant to read since you didn't use much difficult covabs and the timeline was very clear. But, try to be more descriptive so the readers can imagine each scenes more thoroughly. A little side notes though, I think it’s better if you match the font style and size for every chapter. It will make your story looks neater. I also like how you provide songs for the readers and as well as the lyrics. But there are times where you put the English translation to the lyrics, and there are also times where you didn’t. For me, I’d like it better if you include the English translation as not all readers can read and understand hangul.
 

 - Characters: Some of the characters’ personalities are unclear especially Serri. I have a grasp on the males’ character—like Baekhyun, who was a sensitive type of guy yet a bit ert-ish, and Hansol, who gave a prankster vibe but very caring and understanding—but for Serri, she didn’t leave any impression to me. Maybe in her speech or in her action, you can drop a little hint. For instance, ‘Being a timid girl she was, she only gave them a sheepish grin…” It will give the readers more understanding of what kind of girl Serri was.
 

 - Flow and Pace: You kind of rush your story. Try to slow it down and give the readers time to grasp what the story is about. You can try giving pieces of throwback on how Serri and Baekhyun could end up together. Giving clues that Serri was hiding something is also important for the story flow since it shows that the problem is gradually accumulating. For example in the end of the first chapter, when Baekhyun walked away from Serri’s house to go back to his dorm, you could add, “As she watched his back disappeared into the darkness, a sad smile appeared on her face. I’m sorry, Serri whispered to herself.”
 

 - Overall Enjoyment: I personally enjoy the story and the mysteriousness hidden in it yet I am so frustrated by Baekhyun because he just wouldn’t listen! I like the idea but then the grammatical errors and typos make me frown a little bit. Despite all that, you really do have the potential! Before posting a new update, try to proofread a few times or you can request for a beta-reader. I really look forward to your improvement. FIGHTING! I’m sorry if I sounded harsh. I hope this review won’t discourage you. Keep practicing and you’ll be good in no time!
 

Tips:

- The first word in a sentence after a dialogue isn't always in capital. It depends on many things, actually. Here is an example: '"How can you said that to your girl?" Said the guy.' -- from the fourth chapter || Although the speech ended with a question mark, it is still followed by a dialogue tag (dialogue tag is basically a tag that defines from whom does the dialogue come from and how do they say it. 'she said' and 'he replied' are the examples of a dialogue tag). So, the dialogue tag should not be capitalized unless it's a name. For example, '"Do you love me?" she asked.' or '"I love you," Serri said.' Also it is better if you put the verb after the subject in the dialogue tag. Instead of 'said the guy', put 'the guy said'. Last one, the speech comes off as a question or rather a rethorical question, therefore I think, using 'retorted' will suit the context more. So the correct form is: '"How can you say that to your girl?" the guy retorted.'

- Overusing punctuation has to be kept to the minimal. Let me give you an example: '... "Did you see that? Baekhyun just winked! Ah.. So cute!!!!"' || You used four exclamation marks there and two repetitive dots, which are not a good use of punctuation. To emphasize that the extremely loud scream of that fangirl, you can just use three exclamation marks, or use only one then explain it in the dialogue tag. Furthermore, the repetition of dots, you probably want to change it to ellipses (‘…’). Also, make sure to always add a space after a punctuation mark.

- I also noticed that you sometimes type number in word (one, two, three, ...) but then you also type it in figure (1, 2, 3, ...). Usually, from number one to nine, you should write it in word, and for two or more digits number, you can type it in figure. 
 

Thank you for requesting! I apologize that it took me forever to finish this review. I also want to aplogize again if I came off too harsh ;^; I really didn't mean to. If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!