Title: Love Potions
Author: Ali060903
Reviewer- spark931
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First Thoughts:
- Title: I like this one. I think it's unique and really pretains to your theme well!
- Description: I like your description as well. There's a fluffy plot theme present, and it definitely makes me curious. The only thing I would change is to take out the 'but' in the last phrase.
- Poster: Since you wanted me to do an in-depth discussion of this poster rather than your current one, here it is! (Although I really think that you probably have already thought through some of these things) This poster is really pretty, I must say! However, there are a few factors that make the one you currently have on more desirable as the main cover. This cover does include what looks like a Hogwarts and a potion bottle, but nothing really screams out: "WIZARDS AND CUTENESS" to me, which is what your story has a theme of, right? Yep, that castle might be where your story is taking place, but it's backdrop and coloring tells me it's a more dramatic and maybe even angsty story. Speaking of angsty, that picture of the OC makes the cover look even less fluffy, and more angsty. The picture of NCT Dream looking all happy kinda looks out of place in the otherwise gloomy scene. I like the potion bottle though, and the way your designer implemented the title into the poster looked nice to me! Overall the cover is not bad, being very pretty, but because of the above points, I would take the cover you have currently over this one.
Plot: Your plot is so adorable! I'm not sure if it's unique, although there probably are some kpop + HarryPotter fanfics out there, it's still so cool! But making idols attend a magic school is really cool! (And as far as I know, no one as done that before? heh)
Grammar: You do have a few places in which your tense wanders from past to present. Try to remember to stick to past tense, because that's what you started with. Sorry for snooping, but I also see that your past reviewer also made a point on grammar. You may not think it's a big deal, and you may think that it's a waste of time, but grammar is a big difference between what readers percieve are good versus bad stories. MAybe hire a beta-reader, or proof-read your story if you are seriously thinking about making this story better. You also have a few typos, might wanna go in and see!
Style: I have no complaints on your style. It's subtly cheerful and informal, which suits your fluffy story. There are some places were it would benefit you to hire a native speaker, and work with her to achieve a better story, because English is a hard language to get, expecially if it's not your 1st language. Since in those areas, you're using some language that might make sense in your head, but not to others, it will take away from the story as a whole, but most importantly, your style. Since style is the main factor in which your story will draw in readers (aside from plot and first impressions), you need to be able to comfortably write in a way that will let you convey to readers the emotions, feel empathy in characters, and blah blah blah.
Characters: I think your character portrayance is good here. Nothing to really comment because there are more pressing matters, and also because this is a fluff story.
Overall Enjoyment: As an avid fan of Harry Potter's magical world, I definitely enjoyed this story! I like how you made it so similar to his. It almost is as if they are part of the same world, and this story could be a crossover!
Tips:
- This is a quote from your first chapter at the very beginning shows a mistake in grammar: " A girl annoyingly furrowed her eyebrows and moaned loudly. " || The correct way to form this sentence would be: "The annoyed girl furrowed her eyebrows and moaned loudly." The reason the sentence you have right now is wrong is because the way you phrase it makes it seem like someone else is seeing her as annoying.
- "She looked around; her eyes were still half-closed. Her hair were totally messed and so was her bed." || This is a point regarding grammar. Notice how in the first sentence, your subject, 'eyes' is plural. This calls for the use of a specific verb, 'were', which you use correctly. However, moving on the your second sentence, your subject is now singular, not plural. Still, you kept your verb the same, which is incorrect. It would have to be 'her hair was totally messed up...' So in additing to adding was instead of were, I also added up after messed. This is because, while messed can technically be correct, English is a weird language and no one really says messed, everyone says messed up (mainly). ^^
So, this review is all over the place, heheh. If I want you to focus on anything from your story, this would be the one thing: style. (this, unfortunately also includes fixing your grammar) Read over the style section, and if you still have any questions, feel free to let me know! :)
Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!
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