oneandonlybacon
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Title: Mission ImpossibleAuthor: oneandonlybacon
________**NOTE: I'VE REALIZED THAT I'VE BEEN ADDING A LOT MORE INTO CATEGORIES THAT I SHOULDN'T BE ADDING THOSE THINGS INTO. HOPE YOU GUYS DON'T MIND; I'M GENERALLY A VERY UNORGANIZED PERSON ANYWAY.
First Thoughts:
- Title: Cool! Although it's not an original title, I think I'm getting a feel for the story through it, which is definitely an indicator of a fitting title.
- Description: Very nice. Actually, before I had seen your story while advertising *coughcough SORRY T^T* because I was just scouting for any potential stories that I wanted to review. I thought that description encompasses the story well, and it introduces the characters! Yay on that one! I love the 'his friends plant to change that' because it shows readers what the story is going to be about; the only thing I'd really add (just a suggestion though), is to add more on what will happen, like 'but that'll be a mission impossible.' Something like that. I always enjoy it when authors put their title into their descriptions. It always makes readers go: 'wooooah so that's it....'
- Poster: You've labeled this story as fluff, however, I'm not getting the feel from this poster-- I even get a little angsty feel just because of the colors used. However, it's quite visually appealing other than this note!
Plot: Aww, you skipped the one point that was a crucial moment of the story :( That was a turn down for me. You might have referenced the plan-making session later in the story, but I feel it's a crucial part of the story. It's what your entire story is technically about right? Maybe add that part on later? (The part I'm referencing: "'Okay, okay so here’s the plan,' Taehyung stated, all of his friends waiting anxiously for what he’s going to say.")
Please take the underlined section above into consideration, however, ignore this if your lack of info was all part of the plan *wiggles eyebrows* (I added this note after realizing how good that really was, however, if you want to do it this way, make it a little more obvious; While I like how you tried to incorporate the feeling of the friends, I don't think the word anxiously is the best in context. Maybe try: "And as Taehyung started, all of the friends held their breath, listening in earnest." Something like that ^^ (What am I doing, going on a word tangent in the plot section? Sorry!))
Otherwise, I'd say your plot is fine!
Grammar: Tense mistakes are common along with other grammatical errors, albeit they do not affect story meaning much. I'd fix the tense mistakes though-- keep in either present or past. Some of them are in the same sentence.
Style: Wow, I've never read a story with a style like yours. It really does have that fluff to it, and with the emotional imagery that is needed to capture the hearts of readers. Added with a little grammar tweaking and articulation to cleanly execute sentences, this could be a killer story! ^^
I really like this part: "'I need your almighty suggestions, ya know.' Yoongi finally speaks after he finds himself getting dizzy from just watching her pace around the room." (I can really imagine this happening in a romcom)
And this part: "...Yoongi asked as he watches the male stand up from the uncomfortable position he was in, shaking his whole body to get rid of the dust particles that has fallen on him." (The dust particles are real funny! It just really emphasizes Suga's shock, but in a really fluffy way. Nicely done!)
Flow and Pace: nice flow, pace, etc.. nothin much here, lalala
Characters: Nice, cute, fine, no comment, everything's fine, and I suppose you're good too since it's not something you want me to focus on. Everyone's rather portrayed quite nicely. Since it's a fluffy one-shot with many characters, I wouldn't worry too much about in-depth characters. It doesn't affect your story too too much.
Overall Enjoyment: Your story and plot are nice overall. It definitely is a good read. The major turn-off for me is the grammar. It's like this for a lot of stories, so don't get down; hire a beta-reader (I don't know if they co-author or just comment mistakes or something) or potentially get a co-author that just edits grammar mistakes (idk if AFF has those?) If not, I can definitely be your partner in grammar crime-- we could do this together! I love this story VERY MUCH SO, and I want it to be better! Let's do this! ^^
Tips: In terms of your extra comment request, I feel that your story is pretty fluffy. I define fluffy as something not too heavy in terms of emotion-- or something that you can really imagine happening in a cute mini-drama romcom. This story, I can definitely imagine in romcom form. There are some improvements you can make however: to really emphasize that fluffiness, go for more imagery, for example, in your dust quote above, add more. Add more explanation to why dust is collecting on his body, add how he's sitting. Sprawled on the chair in the same exact position that Jennie left him in? Sitting, hunched over, contemplating her touch?
Below are some extra grammar fixes, however, these are not all. It would take a long time and a lot of space to write all of that; sorry not now! (Co-author/ beta-reader time later XD)
- Instead of "Yoongi knows.", "But Yoongi knows." Just adds a little more impact.
- "However, no one dares to talk to her because of the her intimidating vibe she’s radiating."
- "Yoongi’s attraction towards her started on the very first day she he joined the Rap Club. Back then, they it only had very a few members unlike now, where they’re members range from twenty to thirty _______(age? Amount of members?)_____."
- These were all within the beginning of the story; I don't want to add all of them, but there are definitely some ways to make the words sound a little better!
Final Notes: I've got none on me, as it is currently 12:23 am and I am, as they say, 'tired af'. **REGARDING YOU OTHER REQUEST ON SUGA'S JEALOUSY, I WILL ADD THAT LATER, ALTHOUGH PLEASE COMMENT IF YOU WANT THAT ON ANOTHER CHAPTER OR ON HERE. I KNOW THAT ON HERE THE FONT IS A BIT SMALL, SO I'M FINE WITH PUTTING IT ON AN ADDITIONAL CHAPTER SO IT'S LESS CROWDED. (IF YOU DON'T REPLY, I'LL PUT IT ON A NEW CHAPTER AUTOMATICALLY SO IT'S EASIER FOR BOTH OF US^^
*Reactions I had while reading your story: 1) After reading the word softly for the umpteenth time, I must comment: You like the word 'softly'? XD Try to a variety of synoynms.
Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!
*This is a fun category I added on. I'd like to think you would have fun seeing my reactions! ^^
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I sincerely apologized for being gone for too long. I promise I will try and be more active :)
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