pickup for kireitenshi

Title: Hwarang: A Reincarnation Fic

Author: kireitenshi

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First Thoughts:

 - Title: Hwarang: A Reincarnation Fic || To be honest, I don't think it sounds prefessional to use 'fic' in your title. Try something a little bit more sophsiticated. Maybe like Story or Fanfiction. Personally I don't like using the word fanfiction, but it's your choice ^^ The title suits your purpose, and as a reader, if I'd already watched the drama, I'd be hyped to read it, especially if I was a shipper of the two on the cover.

 - Description: It's straightfoward, good. Typcial but not bad. I would move the Note and Disclaimer section to the Foreword because when readers are searching, they see the description, and if the note section overlaps, it'll be cut off, which I don't like seeing. >.<

 - Poster: Personally, I'm not a huge huge fan of the poster. It has the characters, but to be honest, I'm not getting the feel of the story Is it fluff? Is it angst? It could go both ways, and as a reader, I'd like to know beforehand. Also, I can't tell what's overlapped on the Ara-- it looks furry? I'm curious as to what it has to do with your story. I like the visual appeal though, and it does have characters on the front cover, and so if I were a fan of Hwarang, I wouldn't really be driven away by that. Yay Hwarang!

Plot: From the foreword, I really think it sounds quite interesting, and I love it when people to continuation stories of dramas I've watched.

Grammar: I'm not sure if this is necessarily grammar, but use double quotation marks or italics when writing what characters are thinking. You don't need to use the single dash quotes. There are no problems that really stick out to me. There are some punctuation mistakes, though.

Style: Given that this is your first fanfic (yay!!) I'll give you a few tips. Style is what really differentiates stories from each other. It's an author's style that makes their story engaging for readers.  Style can range from how the author ends a chapter, from how they describe what the characters are thinking, how the characters are narrating, etc. It's not only engaging, but it serves as a platform for the emotion that you'll want to give your readers, whether that be anticipation, suspense, or sadness, and MANY MANY more. Right now, your story is stuck in one style. I get that it's hard to really settle into a character that you didn't really create, and that's the problem about writing fanfics about other characters, but really try to sink into Ara's skin. Right now, I'd say you're about skin-level. You're stating her thoughts, and her feelings. Go deeper, and try to show to the readers what's she thinking. Show things from her perspective. I see that you're trying to switch perspectives. While I think that's a really brave and valiant effort, I really wouldn't go there until you have the perspective of one character down. Hard. (And trust me, I KNOW THIS FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.) At some point, your POV's are going to get really repatative. I get that you're trying to show readers what is going through Hyungsik's mind, but really, then you gotta go sink into another character's mind, which is even more difficult. Balancing two characters well is pretty hard, right? Your switching of perspectives shows the same facts, which is (sorry!) really boring. There's a better way to get this information to the readers. And even better, if you're trying to get the reader to know everything, just don't switch POVs at all and just state the facts then and there. No need to switch POV's. Remember that point of views are based on perspective, which I'm not seeing currently.

Characters: Right now, your characters are more or less one dimensional. This means that they have no depth. They are something readers cannot really empathize with. They don't have a quirk or trait that readers can atone to. Here's how I define my characters. 1D: No unique traits. Same narration as every other person. 2D: There's a unique trait there, and it's really emphasized strongly. This is mainly for characters in fluff stories, or more mainly seen in rom-com dramas. 3D: Several different traits that make the character empathetic. This character can be empathized with the most. They are portrayed realisticly. 

Flow and Pace: I stated really all I wanted to say on this below in overall enjoyment (1). Also, I'd like to add that I thin

Overall Enjoyment: After reading through, I have a few notes to make: 1) Your chapters are really short. I, as an author, also have a problem with that. It's honestly so hard for me to write everything in one sitting, and so I really like doing short chapters. However, especially your first chapter, some of them seemed a little too short. While they can be like something resembling those really short drama episodes that are like less than 20 minutes, some are way too short. 2) I think you could use a bit more detail and imagery, although it's pretty good now.

Overall, I know it's your first fanfic, so I'm not gonna say: OMG TERRIBLE because it definitely wasn't. I mean my first fanfiction? Lemme just say: NOT VERY PRETTY XD I really think that this is a wonderful first fanfic that you've written and I really look forward to seeing you improve and blossom into a seasoned writer. *waves hand like a rainbow* I'll be your fan, hwaighting!

Tips: (DOWN)

      - "I was so lost in thought that I didn’t notice the sheet of paper flying towards my face and the girl chasing it, until both landed on top of me. I groaned as I peeled the paper off my face. Looking down, I saw a figure on top of me. She quickly pulled herself up and held a hand out to me while apologizing." || I think you need to add more detail here. It didn't seem like he fell until you said that the girl was on top of the narrator. Maybe add something like, "I toppled over on my back," or something along those lines to give some sort of reference in terms of the body.

     - "'OMG! I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to tackle you,' she said, she had her head bowed and held a hand out to help me up." || I don't know if this was on purpose or not, but I strongly do not think you should be using texting abbreviations in your dialouge. Even if you meant for her to say these letter out loud, make it clear: "Oh Em Gee!" I'm so sorry!"

      - "“Oppa, where are you? You promised to help me move in and unpack today,” I texted my stepbrother Seo Joon, as I surveyed the disaster area that is my apartment. I sighed when I saw the mess. I hope we can finish most of the unpacking today." || I would reccommend using italics to show texts instead of quotation marks. "Oppa, where are you? You promised to help me move in and unpack today!!! I texted my stepbrother Seo Joon, as I surveyed the disaster area that is my apartment. I sighed when I saw the mess. I hope we can finish most of the unpacking today. || In addition, I think you should make it seem more like a text, which is why I took out the comma and put in three exclamation points.

     - "First Day of School     Finally! It's my last class of the day, I thought..." || This is in your chapter 4 a ways down. It was really confusing to me-- I had to look again twice. Maybe should re-label it to be less confusing: something like "Last class of the day    finally!"

Final Notes: So overall, I think the most important thing as a writer is realizing that everything in your story should have a purpose, and then crafting that writing. As your stories get more complex, you'll have more items that serve a purpose, thereby making your stories better! I hope this helped, and if you need any more, feel free to contact me! ^^ I'm also going to look for affiliates, so if I find a good shop that I think has good reviews, I'll reccommend them to you as well :)

 

Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!