delliania
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Title: The Volunteer Service ClubAuthor: Delliania
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First Thoughts:
- Title: To be honest, the title doesn't appeal to me very much. I'm not actually sure what it is, but Volunteer Service does not sound interesting to me. It's not a question of what I think the story's about, but I think it sounds a bit boring. HOWEVER. I think the book cover makes it ten times more interesting! Just hearing to title it may sound boring, but paired with the book cover that looks fun and fluffy!
- Description: I THINK THIS IS A REALLY GOOD DESCRIPTION. It made me interested the first time a read it. The only thing I would like to say is: I think you should just end it at a part time job, and then add the last question. That part got me a little confused. (A crazy whackjob) Also, when you say teenage children, do you mean teenagers, or do you want to emphasize their childishness, and that's why you're putting children at the end? (That's smart if you were btw nice job!)
- Poster: (N/A) SEE ABOVE
Plot: I like the plot so far. It's definitely something new (or at least for me, I haven't read anything like this before.) Unique, and therefore, I'm liking it. I really don't know how this story's gonna end out. TBH while writing this, I'm on the second chapter, and so I know something's gonna happen between Sehun and Jangmi, but ideas start popping in my mind, like what if when they're dating, Suho gets in the way? Stuff like that. I know, I'm so bad >.< Anyway, that's just be writing what I think when I read stories. Nice plot! I hope it doesn't become too predictable! (I think a little predictable is good though. So that I know what's coming so I can be like: YES SEHUN BE JEALOUS.)
Grammar: I have nothing wrong. Of course, little grammar mistakes are hard to catch, and even the most picky reader can't find them all, and tbh I didn't even catch them if there were any. Nice job >.< One thing I'd like to add (I'm not sure if this is grammar) but in some places, it seems like in the dialogue, you continue the same line while a different person is talking. That's confusing for the reader. Might want to read back and fix some of those areas. **You have a little bit of issues with unnessecary (spelled wrong) commas and semicolons.
ADDED NOTE WHILE READER** I Thought you had typos-- but it wasn't. I think that Sejun thing was quite confusing. I'm not sure why you decided to add that in there.
Style: Is it just me or do I always have something to say on style. T^T Anyways, I think your standard style really fits the fluffiness. However, I have problems in certain areas. Well.. they're not so much of problems as suggestions. So, you're narrating in the perspective of Changmi. (I like how relatable she is.) However, when you're writing in someone's perspective so intimately, it also comes with burdens: when they're in a scene full of chaos, don't randomly describe what someone's wearing (ref chap 3); when they're upset, really try to dig into their emotions, and why they're feeling that way (although you did pretty well in that part.) It seems to me like you just stayed in standard style the entire time. Try to change styles; it makes the story as a whole a little more engaging and fun!
Characters: (Down)
FOREWORD: In the foreword, you describe Changmi as thinking of herself as nice? But then she uses 'evil powers' to get Suho to help and brushing it off with a small excuse of 'I know'? (Although that is pretty funny) It doesn't match with your desc.
001: Nice! I was like at first, he sounds like the typical class president kind of guy, but he has that slightest thing about him that makes me want to think he's close to Changmi (I think it's how Changmi was acting with him actually); I was about to comment on that, but then HE WAS CLOSE TO HER. *mind blown good job!!*
002: When she actually wakes up, and Sehun tells her to go out of the window, I still find it unrealistic how she just accepts that she has to go out of the window not worrying about who 'they' are and who that guy is. I mean, granted she does for a second, but the thing with scenes of panic is that it supposed to be filled with chaos, but the character does not seem to be nervous, She in fact, even has time to think that the guy (sehun i think) is 'batcrap crazy' ( which is funny btw )
Chagmi: I think she's inconsistent as a character. She's submissive, but in the first chapter, she was already tricking Suho. What happened? There was no evident change as to why she didn't want to ask him. She calls herself a coward and yet I did not, never did, see her as a coward.
Flow and Pace: Yes, I can definitely see what you meant in your request >.< It does sound a bit disorganized. That's fine with me. Everything does fit into the plot line afterall. However the one thing that bothers me is that you should fill in the holes that you left out. While I was reading, it was like you skipped the really good moments, which made me sad. Other parts, it seemed like it went to fast. As a writer myself, I TOTALLY GET THIS. I hate writing cringy parts, even today. However, authors must remember the readers. No matter how bad the cringy parts WE MUST WRITE THEM. IT IS OUR DUTY TO WRITE THESE HORRIBLE, MEAN, AND CRUEL ITEMS THAT READERS LOVE. (Therefore do not just skip them and explain what happened later-- makes it less enjoyable as a whole.)
Overall Enjoyment: I REALLY LIKED IT! You had a really nice romcom thing going there! I'd even add a little more to make it more fun to read! Sometimes, you drive away from the fluff style at moments where I think it would be best suited there. But that's just my opinion ^^
Tips: While portraying chaos in scenes (like at the party) change styles. Instead of saying :it happened in two seconds, say 'my body plummeted, and scared for my life, I squeezed my eyes shut.' Imagery, and in-the-moment perspectives! Another part: When Changmi is drunk, make it seem like she's drunk; you're narrating in her perspective. Don't tell the reader's she's dizzy; show it. "I stumbled down the pathway, with small steps in a very, very dizzy state." Point one: the first comma is unnecessary. Point two: Suggestion: 'I stumbled down the pathway, my mind spinning, my steps uncertain and small. I was walking. The cool breeze was on my neck. But my mind was above it all. I shall get water. For my grandma. Water, yes water. The world was blurry, and water I shall get.'
*Reactions I had while reading your story: 1) OMG THAT GREaSY HAIR MOMENT IN CHAP 1 IS SO RELATABLE. 2) My mind just automatically starts making stuff up, so I keep being ready for Suho TO CONFESS TO CHANGMI ALREADY HE LOVES HER I KNOW IT 3) NO SUHO YOU BETRAYED MY SHIP FOR YOU AND CHANGMI-- I TRUSTED YOU 4) CMON SUHO, YOU CAN DO IT-- COMFORT HER. 5)
Final Notes: To address your comments about the two main characters: yes, at times, it seems like Changmi's anger at Sehun is unfounded, which makes it all the bit more unrealistic; however, a lot of stories just have overly dramatic characters **hemhem like mine** so I'm not going to say anything. The dialouge, I think, is one of the strengths in your stories! It's defenitely one of the things that make it so light and fluffy! (cue: when kai and sehun argue about thick manly lucious eyebrows) Some dialogue doesn't match with the story (Cue when Changmi's mom says Changmi has grown up well in chap 4, which doesn't make sense because, although they don't meet often, it's not like they don't see each other at all, so the comment seems out of the blue) Also, sorry for adding that here, because I know this is the final notes section, but just her relationship with her mom is definitely weird. Seeing as she wasn't close, with her mom, why does Changmi tell her about the VSC? I don't get her mom. Maybe explain their relationship a bit more. Regarding your dialogue, I wouldn't worry about it being stilted between the main characters, and sometimes the unrealisticity is funny and quite engaging. I don't find it as something I dislike.
Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!
*This is a fun category I added on. I'd like to think you would have fun seeing my reactions! ^^
***I did not read over this review! Sorry for any inconsistencies and feel free to comment if you're confused on anything! It's really disorganized up there, I know T^T I just hope it helped! I really like your story, and I look forward to reading some more!
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