KYX1994
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Title: The Day Minseok DisappearedAuthor: KYX1994
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Hello there. I was originally going to be the reviewer for this fic but due to a mix up, spark got you instead. Since I already started working on a review, I figured I might as well share my thoughts anyway. Hopefully you are okay with getting two reviews instead of the one you were expecting.
First Thoughts:
- Title: I think the title is very good, actually. Quite intriguing and full of implications. I am a person who loves reading stories on the dark side and this title would have absolutely reeled in my attention.
- Description: The description is well written because it leaves a lot to the imagination. Why did Luhan and Minseok have a fight? Where is Minseok? Did he leave in such a hurry to the point where he'd forgotten to turn off his radio or was he...taken? I liked it a lot.
- Poster: It's nice. Dark, somber and a good fit for this fic. I like the look in Minseok's eyes.
Plot: Really good. I don't often find stories on aff with plots that I actually enjoy anymore so thank you for giving me something that's so refreshingly different. Unfortunately, you gave away too much in the beginning with Kris, to the point where I was able to predict the rest of the story and even Luhan's death. The entire story is built on suspense and you let the readers figure out what the real game is way too early. I think I would have liked it a lot better if Kris said less and just nudged Luhan in the right direction so baby boy can figure out the truth himself. Wouldn't that be more exciting? More terrifying?
Grammar:
1. You need to make sure to add commas where they are needed.
He turned around shaking off those hands
He turned around, shaking off those hands.
2. Watch your capitalization.
"I hate you!" he said. ) is correct
"I hate you!" why the hell was he so angry? ) I believe the 'why' here should be capitalized.
3. Sentence structure.
Some of your sentences sound awkward due to how you structured them. They are not exactly wrong but they don't sound good and may take readers out of the scene you are trying to paint. There are too many to point out in this review but for example, 'we can't keep on like this' and 'more broken Chinese came, hands on his shoulders to accompany it, way too heavy on his tired back.' Find a way to say the same thing but have it flow better. Get a beta reader to help you with this if you feel the need.
4. Word choices.
Build up your vocabulary and use more expressive words/phrases. Make your sentences more powerful with stronger words. Feel free to check out this website for some examples.
You need to work on your descriptions because there are so many missed opportunities to be impactful. For example, after their fight, you had Luhan walk angrily into the bathroom. You could have totally expanded this part and told the readers exactly how he looked to leave them with a nice visualization of his back in this final scene before the big transition. Angrily is not enough of a description to satisfy me. You could have given us much more.
5. You don't really know how to divide up paragraphs, do you? First half of your fic had tiny paragraphs and later on you had massive ones.
Flow and Pace: Due to the paragraphing problem, the flow of the story is not that great. Pacing, though, is not bad. I also like how you jumped back and forth between Minseok & Luhan's perspectives. Created suspense and made the story more interesting for me.
Personal Enjoyment: I am not going to lie - this fic really frustrated me. I thought the idea was really good and you obviously put thoughts into the plot. I liked the fic but I couldn't love it because the grammar mistakes and awkward sentence structures kept on pulling me out of focus. You want your readers to be completely immersed in the world you created and this story is just not quite there yet for me. You have a lot of potential and I predict great stories out of you one day down the line. Read a few books, download a vocab builder, keep editing this story until you feel like you are ready. Then, if you want, come back to me and I'll read it again. c:
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I sincerely apologized for being gone for too long. I promise I will try and be more active :)
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