It may not be exactly what I wanted to say but I think I got my point across.

I could never get more honest than when I say I feel so liberated. It felt so good to say those simple words and brush by him. Unlike what I have been saying up until now to convince you all that I was no fixer, unexpectedly, I somehow ‘fixed’ my situation, didn’t I? Why was it only now that I get to enjoy this?

Why did I believe that being a wuss was better?

This was a whole new world I was experiencing, believe it or not.

Because I felt like a brand new person.

Wet.

But, still a brand new person. 

No longer will I deprive everyone of my inner thoughts. I was going to show it all.

Even as I am drying my hair and hand-drying my blouse and blazer, I had a weird smile on my face. It felt terribly good to sever that string that attached me to Hanbin. For once, I got to live like Sanghee and it wasn’t bad at all. 

Because, you know why?

I was going to get the high school year I wanted, damn it. And no one was going to ruin it for me.

No one.

***

Since I was no longer worried about Hanbin or about what he might do to me - basically, I wasn’t paranoid anymore and, or suffering from abnormal anxiety - I was able to focus on other things.

Like the gossip that my female classmates were spilling to one another. 

I was only aware now the state of my best friend’s popularity. I mean, I knew she was pretty and that she caught a lot of the male classmates’ eyes but I didn’t know the extent of it. It didn’t help that we were in different homerooms and we barely see each other during school.

Again, I owe my thanks to Hanbin.

As I listened to these girls talk about the amount of admirers Sanghee had, I started to wonder why she never really mentioned it to me. In my defense, I usually didn’t take notice of things like this and she knew that. I always thought we were a two-women group, oblivious to many of the people. 

But, that’s when the conversation took a different turn. Apparently, not a lot of people were happy with it. It was natural for jealousy to arise among the students’ population. And, suddenly, I felt this small spark of guilt.

Was Sanghee dealing with it alone?

After class ended, I took my time in gathering my things for the beginning of break. There was no rush or a need to escape. I was going to take my damn time because I wasn’t going to be bothered. That’s when I felt a dark shadow hover over me. I looked up to see none other than Hanbin, blocking me off from leaving my desk. For a second, I felt myself falter but I gathered myself. This needed to be done.

There are no takesies-backsies in this new world of mine.

“I’m giving you a chance to take back your words from this morning.” Hanbin broke the silence between us.

How cute. He’s giving me a second chance. “I don’t want to take back my words.” I answered blankly as I pulled my backpack straps over my shoulder. My natural wuss’ instincts were starting to kick in upon the sight of his glare but I held my ground.

I silently and repeatedly told myself I needed to hold my ground.

“Do you not remember my warning? This eye hasn’t healed yet.” He continues while still acting like a human wall. Yet, in contrast, my mind was attentive to the fact that the hunger in my stomach was growing. 

I thought about how miserable I’ve been lately due to Hanbin’s hobby of torturing me and the answer came quick. “It eventually will.” 

“I will make your school days worse.” 

“Okay.” I nodded and gave him a pressed smile before squeezing between his immobile body and my desk. Because, let’s be intelligent here. I was going to be miserable either way, so what do I have to lose? I wanted to tell him, ‘do your worse’ or ‘I’m not scared’ – but again, I don’t need to make it worse for myself…right?

I walked into the cafeteria, happily got my food, and spotted Sanghee and Donghyuk’s table. I plopped down beside Sanghee and the two looked at me in surprise. 

“What are you doing here?” Sanghee asked with full with food.

The same food that was seriously calling my name. I swear. “Do you not want me here?” I asked in reply, casually beginning on my lunch.

Donghyuk looked at Hanbin’s table and then back at me. “You’re sitting at our table today.”

“Donghyuk,” I swallow my food before finishing my words. “This is Sanghee’s and my table, you’re the guest here.” I corrected him and stuffed another spoonful of rice into my mouth.

“So, Hanbin let you off?” Sanghee gives me a side-glance.

I almost wanted to laugh. “This has nothing to do with Hanbin.” His permission had nothing to do with this. Because guys, I was no longer going to be ordered around by him. 

And, it still feels good to say that. 

Or think that.

The two only looked at me. I’m sure their questions were adding up but I wasn’t going to explain everything. It would be too tiring. It’s better to just forget everything and move on.

Yes, that’s easier.

As my attention drifted back down to my food, I noticed the rip in Sanghee’s blazer. “How did you do that?”

She moves around to see what I was nodding at and stops after seeing the vertical two-inch rip beside the pocket of her blazer. After a few seconds, she broke the silence. “Probably caught on something.” She doesn’t say anything further and went back to eating.

Not thinking too much into it, I returned to my own food as well.

“Did something happen this morning?” Donghyuk randomly asks and I look up to see that the question is directed towards me. 

Memory of the water incident comes to mind. “I saw the world in