TW: Mentions of past self-harm/scars

Hopeful

It hits him like a tonne of bricks, hard and unrelenting in its fall. It smothers him in little bits of debris and it crushes him under its immeasurable weight, it hurts. It hurts so much that he isn’t sure what he’s going to do, but even through the hurt, he doesn’t want it to stop. Doesn’t want it to end.

He’s a little bit angry at Chanyeol. He can’t help himself.

In what world is it okay for someone to just care without a motive? In what world does somebody just do that?!

It makes no sense to him, makes none at all, and that’s what worries Baekhyun the most. That he doesn’t understand why. And even though he doesn’t understand, he still wants what Chanyeol is offering so very bad. But he’s so scared to take it.

The idea of Chanyeol is something that Baekhyun is unused to.

Chanyeol is sweet, and kind and all of the things that fairy-tale princes and main protagonists are made up of. He’s the kind of thing that doesn’t exist outside of film or paper.

And yet…

Baekhyun though, Baekhyun is real. He’s real and broken, and a whole plethora of things that he doesn’t really know how to describe let alone put a name to.

He’s marred with scars and his insides feel like how a bag of broken glass sounds.

And yet….

Chanyeol smiles at him so easily from across the room, clear as day, as if there is nobody else in the world that he would rather smile at. And then he’s bounding across the room and sweeping Baekhyun up in his arms so fluidly, that Baekhyun has to momentarily wonder if it’s all real.

But he looks around and sure enough they’re still at Kyungsoo’s place, drinks are still flowing, his friends are all still present, and yes, Chanyeol really is hugging him close and pressing barely there kisses into his hair.

“You’re thinking again” Chanyeol murmurs, his voice is low, just for Baekhyun to hear, struggling against the music blasting from the speakers that Jongdae has hooked his ipod up to.

Baekhyun lets out a small laugh, “People tend to think. They do it all the time, funnily enough” he says in return, and he can already feel Chanyeol rolling his eyes.

“Not what I meant and you know it” Chanyeol replies softly, “What’s happening in that head of yours, Baekhyunnie?”

Baekhyun sighs, “Nothing to fret about” he answers, pulling himself out of Chanyeol’s arms. “I’m going for a smoke” and with that he moves away from Chanyeol and makes his way out of the backdoor into the pitch-black garden and pulls out his pack of cigarettes and his lighter.

He feels calmer under that blanket of night as he pressing a cigarette between his lips before slipping the pack back into his pocket, then lights up and breathes in a lungful of smoke before releasing it slowly.

Calm.

“Those things’ll kill you”

Baekhyun turns to see Junmyeon stood in the doorway watching him. Eyes glittering playfully though his face remains serious. He’s obviously buzzed. Not that Baekhyun isn’t.

Baekhyun pulls the pack back out of his pocket and flicks the lid open in one swift movement, offering.

Junmyeon, despite his words, takes one and sparks up with the lighter he pinches out of Baekhyun’s free hand. He watches Baekhyun pocket both his pack of smokes and the lighter before he speaks again.

“What’s up?” he asks.

Baekhyun scoffs, “Is this national ‘ask Baekhyun what’s wrong’ day or something?” he shoots back, avoiding the question, which doesn’t escape Junmyeon’s notice.

Junmyeon takes a long drag of his smoke, the tip bright red against the dark night before it dulls down again as he take it away from his lips and breathes. “Maybe. Could be because you look like you’re about to top yourself”

“I should be so lucky” Baekhyun shoot back without missing a beat. He rolls his eyes at the frown on Junmyeon’s face, “Don’t pretend you don’t know I’m not exactly the happiest person on the planet”

Junmyeon shrugs, “Not quiet the saddest either, I should hope”

“I’m not going to go home and kill myself later” Baekhyun snaps, “If that’s what you’re asking”

Junmyeon holds up his hands in defence, “Wasn’t asking” he says, even though they both know he was, “Chanyeol likes you, you know”

“Obviously” Baekhyun raises a brow.

Junmyeon pauses, weighing up his words. He takes another drag of his smoke and blows towards Baekhyun, who is puffing on his own, “You like him, too”

“So?”

Junmyeon lets out a laugh and moves closer to Baekhyun, “So do something about it”

“Why?”

“Because we both know you want to” he says, pressing Baekhyun up against the brick wall of the house. The air around them feels slightly damp as he pressing himself to Baekhyun’s front, flicking the accumulated ash from the end of his cigarette before he presses it to Baekhyun’s lips, waiting as the other in the toxins and then he takes it for himself.

Baekhyun watches him curiously for a moment, “No, I don’t” he lies transparently.

Junmyeon smirks and takes one last drag of his cigarette before flicking the to where a pile has begun to form over the course of the night. “Mm” he acknowledges briefly, not moving away from the younger boy.

Baekhyun doesn’t bother to resist the urge to roll his eyes, he simply watches Junmyeon watch him as he finishes his own , and even when he too has tosses the away, they remain there, pressed against each other, against the wall.

“You don’t believe me” Baekhyun says quietly.

Junmyeon shakes his head, “Nope” he says, popping the ‘p’. His hands find Baekhyun’s hips in the dark and cling to them. “Just admit you want him as much as he wants you”

“I will if you admit you’ve been ing around with Xing behind your girlfriends back” Baekhyun says sharply.

To his surprise, Junmyeon laughs, his breath smells like a mix of vodka, fags and mint as he fans over Baekhyun’s face, “If you know, then why do I need to say it”

“Why don’t you just end things with her?”

Junmyeon rolls his eyes, “I can’t. Dad would beat the out of me” he snorts out a humourless laugh, “anyway, we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you”

“How about this – answer my questions and then I’ll answer yours” Baekhyun offers, running his hands up Junmyeon’s arms until they loop around the back of his neck.

“Fine”

“Are you gay?”

“Bi. Are you in love with Chanyeol?”

“Yes. Does Yixing know you’re still with Irene?” Baekhyun doesn’t even miss a beat as he pulls Junmyeon slightly closer.

Junmyeon rolls his eyes, obvious, “Yes. Why won’t you give Chanyeol a chance”

“I’ll just it up like I always do” Baekhyun says factually, “Do you even want to be with Irene?”

Junmyeon sighs, “No,” he answers anyway, “How will you it up?”

“He’ll end up realising I’m more hassle than I’m worth. They always do as soon as they see the scars” Baekhyun admits only slightly reluctantly. Out of all of their friends, Junmyeon is the only one that knows about Baekhyun’s habits – if they can be called that. Knows what he gets up to and has been helping him stop. Trying to, at least. “Why are you still with her then?”

Junmyeon lets his head fall to rest against Baekhyun’s neck, “Dad. He’ll beat the out of me if he finds out I’m a ing shirt-lifter” he says, and Baekhyun had suspected as much, but Junmyeon had never outwardly said it, “I’d rather be a -about than a dead man walking. What makes you think Chanyeol will care if you have scars”

“They always care, and Chanyeol’s nice but he’s still a lad” Baekhyun winces at the terminology, but sticks to it, “Does Irene know that you’re cheating on her?”

Junmyeon falters slightly, “I think so. She’s not confronted me about it though. She caught Yixing walking out of my house the other day with a massive love-bite though. Not hard to put two-and-two together. I know I’m a ty person by doing this, but I can’t let my dad know that I’m not strictly into girls” he says, “What if Chanyeol isn’t ‘just a lad’?”

“Then I’m the ing queen” Baekhyun scoffs. “Do you like Irene at all?”

“As a friend. Enough that I don’t actually want to hurt her”

Baekhyun is about to say something, but a timid cough interrupts them, “Uh, sorry… Sh-Should I come back later?”

Junmyeon pulls away from Baekhyun leisurely and shoots Chanyeol a smile, “Nah. I’m done here. Xing inside still?”

Chanyeol nods, “He’s with Jongdae and Kyungsoo doing shots in Soo’s bedroom” he informs the eldest of the three of them.

Junmyeon gives him a swift pat on the shoulder as he moves past him. He not so subtly closes the back door behind him too, leaving the pair alone.

Chanyeol moves over to lean beside Baekhyun as he pulls a joint from behind his ear and sparks up. He takes a couple of drags before passing it over to Baekhyun’s waiting hand.

“So…” Chanyeol starts.

“How long were you stood there?” Baekhyun asks, not beating around the bush as he blows out smoke through his lips and passes the joint back to Chanyeol. They’re both staring forwards down the long back yard, but Baekhyun can feel the way Chanyeol leans into him ever so slightly.

Chanyeol takes a drag, then another before he answers, “Long enough” he says as he passes the joint to Baekhyun again, “Long enough to hear some stuff that you probably didn’t mean for me to”

“I see” Baekhyun says, because there isn’t really much else that he can say.

They stand around in silence for a while, just smoking together until finally they reach the end and Chanyeol begins to fiddle with the pockets of his jeans.

It’s not an uncomfortable silence, per se, but it is a slightly tense one, that Baekhyun is unwilling to break.

“You self-harm” Chanyeol says in the end, when it’s obvious that Baekhyun isn’t willing to contribute to the conversation. It’s not a question, Baekhyun appreciates that much.

“I do. Did. It’s complicated” he says evenly, subconsciously tugging at his sleeves.

Chanyeol lets that sink in, “Alright” he says, “And you think that means I’m going to start hating you or something?”

“It’s not exactly something I’m proud of, Chanyeol. Not exactly the kind of thing people look for in a - ” he falters. In a what? What did he want from Chanyeol exactly. Hell, what did Chanyeol want from him.

Chanyeol laughs softly, “You can say the word boyfriend, it isn’t going to scare me off, you know” he tells Baekhyun in that deep, soothing voice of his. “And besides, it isn’t my job to judge your past. It’s not my job to tell you how to deal with things. But should you let it be, it’d be my job to make sure that you’re okay. To… To be there when you have bad days, or relapse. I’ll be there to listen. Be there for you to shout at even when you don’t mean it. I’m not going to run away because you used to hurt yourself”

“What if I only did it because I wanted to? What if there was no reason behind it?” Baekhyun challenged, “Would you really be interested in me then?”

Chanyeol turns his head to look at the shorter boy, “Yes” he says firmly, then, “I know what you’re doing. It won’t work”

“You don’t know ” Baekhyun snaps.

“Try me” Chanyeol snaps back.

It takes Baekhyun aback, but when he looks up, Chanyeol’s smiling at him softly. God, that smile. “It… I first did it by accident” he relents. “I was about fourteen. I used to have real bad problems with my anger. And I smashed a door down in my house and a bit of metal caught my arm and for a minute I was just kind of… stunned I guess. It hurt a lot, but it… calmed me down. Made me take a step back and not break anything else.

 “The next time I got angry, I thought about that. I snapped up one of my mum’s razors and got the blade out, and just… cut. And I felt in control for once. Felt like I was actually able to not just fly off the handle.

 “It’s stupid logic, I know. It’s ridiculous. But watching it happen, it makes me focus on just that and it keeps me calm. Or… it did. I… I slip up sometimes, I’ll admit that. But I’ve not been as bad as I was. And Junmyeon keeps me on the right track. I’ve been getting better, but you need to understand that those scars, this… this anger that I’ve got inside of me, it won’t just go away. The scars are there, and they’re not nice to look at, Chanyeol. They’re ugly and big and a constant reminder of what I ing mess I am.

 “I get that you like me, and it isn’t as though I don’t like you back, but saying that you’re fine with this in theory isn’t the same as actually seeing it and being okay with it. It… My arms are a ing mess. So are my legs, my stomach… It’s not something I’m proud of. But I can’t escape what I’ve done to myself.

 “So it’s all well and good you standing there telling me you don’t scare easily, but the thing is that I do”

Chanyeol is quiet as he takes in everything that Baekhyun has said, but then he’s pushing off of the wall and for a moment Baekhyun thinks that it’s over. That he’s really done it and Chanyeol has finally realised what a ing pathetic mess of a person he is, but he doesn’t walk away, doesn’t go back inside, he just moves to stand in front of Baekhyun.

“Show me” is all he says.

Baekhyun blinks in confusion, “I’m sorry, what?”

Chanyeol swallows, “Show me” he says a little quieter, as if he’s unsure. Unsure that Baekhyun will even want to comply.

But Baekhyun, despite his best efforts not to, trusts Chanyeol immensely. He reaches down and pulls up one sleeve and then does the same to the other before letting Chanyeol take his arms in his hands.

There are a lot of scars, some old, some new. Thick ones, deep ones, thin ones that were done fast and with shaking hands. Ones that overlapped, ones that didn’t.

Chanyeol’s eyes trace over them all.

He drops Baekhyun’s arms after a long whilst and drops to his knees in front of Baekhyun on the cold concrete floor, his hands reach for the hem of Baekhyun’s shirt but pause, he looks up at Baekhyun, eyes earnest as he asks, “May I?”

Baekhyun can’t find it in himself to speak, so he just nods. He feels okay doing this in the dark, where Chanyeol can only just make out the faded lines across his flesh. It somehow makes it all okay.

Chanyeol pushes up his top slowly and holds it up at Baekhyun’s collar, his free hand moves to touch Baekhyun, whose breathing has sped up in the process.

His fingers are steady as he traces over the scars that litter Baekhyun’s stomach.

“It’s not good” Chanyeol says calmly, “I wish you hadn’t done this to yourself. But it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. It’s good that you’re letting Junmyeon help you. You… You aren’t defined by your scars, Baek. They aren’t you. They’re a part of you, but they aren’t who you are”

He leans forward to let his cheek rest against Baekhyun’s stomach.

Baekhyun can’t help himself, tears are welling up in his eyes and spilling over without his consent, but he remains silent.

He does slide his fingers into Chanyeol’s hair though as Chanyeol turns to nuzzle his face against Baekhyun stomach.

Baekhyun jumps slightly as Chanyeol kisses over the marred skin, and the tears start to fall more freely, because how?! How is Chanyeol okay with this.

How is this not making him run away?

It’s a long time before Chanyeol rights himself, pulls down Baekhyun’s shirt and gets back to his feet, where he pulls Baekhyun into his arms and lets him just cry…

“Shhh, it’s okay” Chanyeol coos as Baekhyun clings to him with every ounce of strength he has left. “It’s okay, I’ve got you. I’ve got you, baby. It’s all going to be alright”

“I’m s-s-sorry” Baekhyun cries harder.

Chanyeol shushes him, “No, don’t. Don’t be sorry, you’ve done nothing wrong, Baekhyunnie. Never be sorry for having feelings. Never”

“H-How are you b-being so c-c-calm about this?”

Chanyeol presses a kiss to the top of Baekhyun’s head, “Because I love you. All of you, the good bits and the not so good bits”

“Chanyeol…”

“Let me take care of you, Baek” Chanyeol pleads. “Let me be yours. Be mine, and let me make it okay. I know that… That love isn’t something that can fix mental illness. But I want to be someone you can count on. Someone that can… That can just be there to support you when you need me to…”

“Okay”

--

It’s at least an hour before they re-join the party, and Junmyeon shoots Baekhyun a smile when he sees the way that Chanyeol is holding his hand and Baekhyun isn’t pulling away.

He raises a questioning brow, and Baekhyun just nods with a shy smile playing about his face.

Junmyeon’s answering grin is all it takes to know he’s made the right choice.

“You wanna dance?” Chanyeol asks, voice soft and sweet as always as he guides Baekhyun to the makeshift dancefloor.

It’s just a space in the living room where the furniture has been pushed back to make some room for the drunken pass of people to sway to the loud music.

Baekhyun nods, though he’s pretty sure Chanyeol doesn’t see it. He lets himself be wrapped up Chanyeol’s arms as they start to sway too slow to the music.

“This isn’t a slow dance song” Baekhyun says, though he makes no move to change the pace that they dance at.

Chanyeol smiles down at him, his eyes full of something Baekhyun can’t quite put his finger on, “I don’t care, I just wanna dance with you like this” he says.

“You’re far too sappy,” Baekhyun rolls his eyes, “I don’t like it. It’s weird.”

“No it isn’t” Chanyeol shoots back easily enough, swaying them in a circle, leaning in as he does to nudge Baekhyun’s nose with his own.

Baekhyun’s heart flutters a little as he looks into Chanyeol’s eyes, “It makes me feel weird” he says instead of arguing.

“Okay,” Chanyeol says, “But does it make you feel weird because it’s weird, or does it make you feel weird because it’s just something you’re not used to?”

Baekhyun pauses, forgetting to move with Chanyeol for a moment before he catches himself and sways to the music again. He hates that Chanyeol can read him so easily. Hates that it’s that obvious that he’s so starved of any kind of affection. But Chanyeol doesn’t look like he’s judging, and Baekhyun knows that he isn’t, but Baekhyun still feels weird about it. Still feels like it’s all going to turn out to be one sick joke and in the end he’ll be left alone with everyone laughing at him for letting himself fall. For letting himself be so stupid.

“How do you do that?” Baekhyun frowns, looking away from Chanyeol in favour of looking at his feet that step in time with Chanyeol’s.

“Do what?” Chanyeol asks, looking around before taking Baekhyun’s hand and leading him away from the ‘dance floor’ in favour of heading into the almost empty kitchen.

He knows that Baekhyun doesn’t like to talk about feelings, and he knows that talking in a crowd will just make him bolt.

He leans against the counter top and waits.

Baekhyun pulls himself up onto it to sit next to where Chanyeol stands.

“How do you… Just know exactly what I’m thinking?” Baekhyun asks quietly, still not looking at Chanyeol as he talks.

Chanyeol stays where he is, he knows that if he tries to make Baekhyun look at him, he’ll get skittish. Baekhyun appreciates that. But it just further proves his point.

“Well, I mean… I like to think that in the time we’ve been friends, we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well. And, not to sound creepy or anything, but I watch you a lot. You’re so completely amazing that it’s hard for me to take my eyes off of you. And there are times when I see how your smile is just a little off. Or your forehead creases when you’re thinking about things that you don’t want to think about. And I started paying attention to the way you do things, and so I picked up on the way you act when you’re thinking certain things, and so… I don’t know. I’ve just gotten pretty at reading your face.” Chanyeol says, quiet and calm, but he keeps looking forward.

Baekhyun feels his heart pounding in his ears. It hurts so much that he thinks he could pass out at any moment. “I, um…” his voice cracks slightly, but he won’t let himself cry again tonight. “I watch you too, you know”

“You do, huh?”

Baekhyun swallows the lump in his throat and manages a smile. He pulls Chanyeol around to face him, “I do,” Baekhyun says, making sure to keep his eyes locked on Chanyeol’s, “And I see you. I see how kind you are, how sweet you are. How genuine. I don’t understand what you see in me. And I may never understand that. But I like it. It scares the out of me how much I like it. And I want you to know that I like you so much, Yeol. But this is gonna be a learning situation for me. I want this so bad it feels like it might kill me. But you have to understand that, at least emotionally, I need to take it slow. Real slow.

 “There’s gonna be times when I break down, when I push you away, when I don’t want to be touched. But I need you to know that that isn’t because of you. It’s because of me. I have a lot of baggage. So much ing baggage that I could be a ing airport. And I can’t just pretend that I don’t have any or that it’ll go away over night.

 “But I want… I want to try this. I want to try with you.”

Chanyeol smiles as he cups Baekhyun’s face in his hands, “Baek, it’s okay. It’s okay that you’re scared and it’s okay that you want to take things slow. I get it. And I want to take it slow too – and I have my own reasons for that. But that’s a conversation for a later date. What I’m trying to say is that, we can do this. We can do this together, because I don’t care how much baggage you have. I’ve got two hands, Baekhyun. And I can help you carry it, okay? We’re gonna be okay.”

“Okay” Baekhyun smiles, a real, true smile, because Chanyeol knows how to bring out the happiest parts of him.

“I’m gonna kiss you now, if that’s okay?” Chanyeol asks, hands still cupping Baekhyun’s face as he waits for the go ahead.

Baekhyun nods, small and shy, “I’d like that, actually.”

So Chanyeol kisses him, soft and sweet and Baekhyun aches for it, he clings to Chanyeol’s shirt until his knuckles are white from the pressure, but he doesn’t care, because Chanyeol is kissing him like he needs it like Baekhyun is oxygen.

And Baekhyun knows that he isn’t okay. He knows that this isn’t some miracle that will make things right over night.

But he knows that Chanyeol has a way of making him feel like things can get better, and for the first time in a long time, Baekhyun feels hopeful.

He smiles against Chanyeol’s lips, content in the moment, knowing that even in the darkness, there is always a light to find.

A/N: Always remember that you're not alone.
If you're struggling with mental health, please reach out
there are so many options out there, and there will be something for you
Even if you just need someone to listen.
Stay safe, my friends
Yours, Tegwi