Our Jongdae's feelings

Jongdae has been friends with Baekhyun for a pretty long time. They met when they were twelve and auditioning for their school musical.

“I’m so nervous” A chubby boy whispered to him, he’d seen him around a little, but they’d never really spoken.

Jongdae thought he was cute, you know, for a boy. But he didn’t say that, he knew that boys weren’t meant to find other boys cute. It was one of those taboo things that if you ever said aloud, the older boys would find out and come and give you a thoroughly harsh beating.

But Jongdae figured that there was no hard in just thinking it.

“Don’t worry” he said back quietly, “I heard you sing, you’ll definitely get a part”

But the boy shook his head nervously, “No, you will. Your voice is amazing” he said, “Besides, they always pick the handsome boys. The skinny ones”

“What are you talking about?” Jongdae frowned. He wasn’t very handsome in his own opinion. He was a geeky kid with glasses that were at least ten years behind trend and he had all of two friends that he could think of. “You’re handsome” he said. That was okay wasn’t it? It was the other boy that brought it up, so it wasn’t weird or anything.

The boy rolled his eyes, “You’re obviously blind then” he said, tapping the frame of Jongdae’s thick tortoise shall glasses, “Thanks anyway, though. I’m Baekhyun, by the way”

“I’m Jongdae” Jongdae supplied with a smile, batting away Baekhyun’s hand and finding himself enjoying the way that Baekhyun laughed as he did. He had a pretty laugh.

Though, maybe he wasn’t meant to think that either. So he didn’t say it.

“Well, since we’re both done here… Do you maybe want to get some street food or something? My curfew isn’t until eight”

Jongdae couldn’t help but smile, “Yeah. D’you like ddeokbokki?” he asked.

“Who doesn’t?” Baekhyun snorted.

And that was it, the start of a friendship that neither of them could have anticipated.

He was fourteen when he realised that he liked boys in a way that all the other boys liked girls. And honestly it frightened the holy heavens out of him.

He became a lot more withdrawn and didn’t really join in the chatter when the guys in his classes started to talk about how they could see the girls s when they bent over, or how they wanted to kiss this girl or that.

Funnily enough, it wasn’t Baekhyun that noticed first, it was his other friend, Kyungsoo.

“Dae… You… Can I ask you something?” Kyungsoo asked, looking a little weary.

Jongdae frowned at him, a little concerned, but nodded nonetheless, “Sure” he said, trying to ignore the little warning bell going off inside his head.

“Do you… Do you like boys?” Kyungsoo asked, he didn’t sound like he was angry, didn’t even sound like he found the idea was preposterous, he just sounded curious.

Jongdae felt like he couldn’t breathe, he pushed his glasses higher on his nose and stuttered out, “W-What are you talking about?!”

“It’s okay if you do” Kyungsoo said quickly, “It doesn’t bother me. I just wondered”

“Well, do you?!” Jongdae shot back defensively.

Kyungsoo looked a little sheepish at that, “Um, well… Actually, I kind of, maybe like Chanyeol” he flushed.

“Chanyeol?” Jongdae’s eyes widened. “As in our Chanyeol? The one you’re always hitting and telling to go away? Yoda?”

Kyungsoo snorted slightly at the way Jongdae had said it, “Yeah” he admitted, “Just… Don’t tell anyone, alright?”

“You know I wouldn’t” Jongdae promised, “But, um… I… I might be, well, you know…”

“Gay?” Kyungsoo supplied.

Jongdae swallowed hard, “Maybe” he said, “I’m not sure, yet”

“Hey, what are you losers doing over here!” Baekhyun ran over, leaping onto Jongdae as he did and wrapping him in his arms as per usual.

He’d lost weight since they’d first met, was growing into his ears a little better and had started to even out a little more. He still had a bit of chub left on him, softening his edges and making him that much nicer to hug.

Jongdae liked Baekhyun’s puppy fat, but then again, Jongdae liked Baekhyun no matter how he looked.

Because Baekhyun was Jongdae’s best friend.

“We were avoiding you” Kyungsoo said easily enough, though he was playfully swiping at Baekhyun as he did, as per their usual banter. “You got too ugly to hang around with us”

Baekhyun snorted, “Yeah, well Jongdae thinks I’m handsome, don’t you, Dae?”

“Sure, Baek” Jongdae rolled his eyes at Kyungsoo, who laughed along.

“My hero” Baekhyun grinned.

It was a little easier after that, knowing that he wasn’t the only person who felt like he did. It was nice that he could talk to Kyungsoo about boys the way that other boys talked about girls. Even if he did have to put up with Kyungsoo’s ever wavering opinion of Chanyeol.

He was sixteen when he realised that he might have a crush on his best friend, he thought that would be the hardest part, just admitting it to himself.

But that would have been too easy.

“Jongdae. Our Kim Jongdae,” Baekhyun muttered sleepily as he and Jongdae laid side by side in his bed. It was a Friday night and they’d worn themselves out playing video games since school let out, along with eating enough junk food to feed an army.

Jongdae’s eyes were closed, he had an arm around Baekhyun, who was snuggled up against his chest, whilst the other rested behind his head, “What is it now, Baek?”

“Nothing much” Baekhyun said. “Just… Thinking about how Kyungsoo and Chanyeol finally admitted they’re, like, in love with each other”

Jongdae hummed, “Why are you thinking about that?” he asked, hoping that Baekhyun couldn’t feel the way his heart had picked up its pace.

Baekhyun was quiet for a moment, “I don’t know.” He said, though Jongdae had a sneaking suspicion that he wasn’t being entirely truthful. He didn’t say that though, because he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to know the answer. “I was just thinking that… Well, do you think it’s true what people say? That gay kids tend to find themselves drawn to other gay kids? Like… Even closeted ones? Because Kyungsoo’s gay, Chanyeol is, well, I mean at least a little gay if he likes Kyungsoo…”

“He’s biual” Jongdae supplied. “He told me the other day”

Baekhyun nodded against Jongdae’s chest, “And I… I think maybe I’m not entirely straight” Baekhyun admitted quietly. “Does that weird you out?”

No. Jongdae thought, because I am very much gay.

Jongdae’s heart dropped slightly, why was Baekhyun telling him this? Did he like someone? Did he like a boy?

Why did he care so much? Jongdae froze.

Oh god, no.

“No” he breathed, “Why would it?”

Baekhyun shrugged, “It’s just… Don’t hate me, okay? I think… I think I might have a thing for that guy in the year above… You know the one? Kim Minseok?”

Minseok. Wow. Jongdae knew him. Jongdae was friends with him for crying out loud.

Now though, Jongdae kinda wished he didn’t exist.

“Yeah I know him pretty well” Jongdae said though, not wanting to come across like he didn’t want Baekhyun to like someone else. Even though he didn’t. “He lives down the road. His mum and mine are pretty good friends, so we grew up together”

Baekhyun lifted himself from Jongdae’s chest, “For real?!” he seemed far too excited for Jongdae’s liking, “Do you think you could maybe, I don’t know, introduce me?”

“I mean… I guess” Jongdae frowned.

“Tomorrow?” Baekhyun pressed, almost pleadingly and Jongdae felt sick.

“That’s… I…”

Baekhyun let out a girlish squeal of delight, “Oh Jongdae, I love you so much! You’re literally the best friend in the world!” he moved in to hug Jongdae tightly, “Text him now and arrange it! Please, please please, please!”

Jongdae sat up and slowly grabbed his phone, ignoring Baekhyun’s pleas for him to go faster already.

Hey man, he typed, my best friend wants to meet you. Come hang at mine tomorrow?

Baekhyun looked positively gleeful.

It wasn’t a minute later that he got Minseok’s reply, Sure. He cute? ;)

Now Jongdae really did feel like he might throw up. This was the last thing he wanted, and yet he still typed out the cutest. Come over for 12.

So realising he liked Baekhyun had been fine.

The day after he realised he liked Baekhyun, had not been.

Minseok arrived at the house at the time Jongdae told him, punctual as always as he let himself in and said hey to Jongdae’s mother who was headed out for tea with Minseok’s own mum.

He came into the living room where Jongdae and Baekhyun were sitting, watching Roswell as though their lives depended on it.

“Ah, Michael. If only you realised how good you and Maria are together” Minseok sighed dramatically, making the pair jump.

Jongdae smiled tightly, “Hey man. Come on in. Minseok, this is Baekhyun. Baek, this is Minseok”

“Nice to meet you” Baekhyun flushed cutely as Minseok came to sit down next to him, effectively trapping Baekhyun in the middle of him and Jongdae.

Minseok smirked, “You too. I see Jongdae wasn’t lying when he said you were cute”

“Are you flirting with me?” Baekhyun teased, though his cheeks were still red.

Minseok shrugged, “Is it working?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you take me for dinner tonight and find out?” Baekhyun shot back smoothly.

Minseok looked like the cat with the cream, “It’s a date. Give me your number and I’ll pick you up at around seven”

Jongdae watched as they exchanged numbers and continued to blatantly flirt the whole time the three of them hung out in Jongdae’s living room.

He opted to pretending to play on his phone in the end, when in reality he was texting Kyungsoo, who offered words of comfort, even though they didn’t really help.

“Wait, you actually drive?” Baekhyun gushed. He’d moved closer to Minseok on the sofa, and Minseok’s arm had not so subtly come to rest behind him.

Minseok chuckled, “Yeah, I got my licence like a month ago. I’ve been saving up so I even got my own car. She’s a ty little thing, but she’s mine and I love her to bits”

“Do you love her enough to make out in her?” Baekhyun raised a teasing brow.

Minseok didn’t back down though as he leant slightly closer and said, “Play your cards right later and you might find out”

Yep, that right there was hard.

It was when they started dating that Jongdae felt the worst, because he hated having to see it, but he was also Baekhyun’s best friend, and even if he hated seeing the person that he liked more than anything in the world dating another guy, he wasn’t going to be a about it. He was supportive, but inwardly bitter. Not that he would ever let Baekhyun know that.

Only, even when he was nineteen and the pair finally broke up, Jongdae didn’t feel good about it. Seeing Baekhyun upset over Minseok was worse than seeing him in love with Minseok.

Baekhyun bawled as Jongdae held him tightly in his arms. His best friend had shown up at his house looking rather worse for wear and as soon as Jongdae asked what was wrong, he had just burst into tears.

“He broke up with me” Baekhyun said in a quiet voice, it was the first thing that he’d said since he’d arrived, and Jongdae felt his heart drop.

“What?” he asked incredulously.

Baekhyun sniffed, leaning back to look at Jongdae with red eyes and tear stained cheeks, “He… We were on a date, or at least I thought it was a date. Just a walk in the park, you know? And he… He said that he can’t do this anymore. That he just doesn’t love me like that anymore. He said that this whole thing was getting a bit too intense and he just wasn’t ready for that. And he just… just ended it.” Baekhyun cried hard, but silently as he told Jongdae what had happened, “The worst part is, he wasn’t mean or rude or anything. He was so nice about it. I want to hate him. I want to hate him so badly, but I can’t! I don’t know what to do, Dae. I just… I don’t know what to do. Two years of my life just gone… Just like that because he… he felt out of love with me.”

“Well he’s dumb” Jongdae said softly as he wiped away Baekhyun’s tears, “Because anyone who lets you go is crazy. I know if I were lucky enough to call you mine that I’d never let you go”

Baekhyun laughed sadly, “You have to say that, you’re my best friend”

“I mean it, Baekhyun” Jongdae said, “You’re worth more than all the stars in the sky”

Baekhyun smiled as he moved back in to hug Jongdae tightly, “I love you, Jongdae. Thank you for being here for me.”

“I’ll always be here for you, Baek. Through thick and thin” Jongdae promised. “Now what do you say we order some pizza and drown our sorrows in junk food?”

Baekhyun smiled, “Weren’t you meant to have a date with that Chinese guy tonight?” he asked, “Yixing or whatever?”

“He cancelled last minute” Jongdae lied. “Stay here I’m gonna go get us some cola”

Baekhyun nodded and stayed put as Jongdae went into the kitchen, closing the door silently behind him before he pulled out his phone and dialled Yixing’s number.

“Hello?”

“Hi Yixing, it’s Jongdae” Jongdae said.

Yixing laughed softly, “I know, I have caller ID. It’s a hand phone, remember”

“Shut up,” Jongdae couldn’t help but grin. Yixing was really nice, honestly, he was perfect boyfriend material. But he wasn’t Baekhyun. “Anyway, um, the thing is…”

“You have to cancel our date tonight?” Yixing guessed. “Is Baekhyun okay?”

Jongdae frowned, “How did you know it was about him?”

He heard Yixing sigh softly, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but everything in your life is about him” he said, “It’s alright though. Better this ends now than when I get too attached, because I don’t think I can date a guy that’s in love with his best friend”

Jongdae swallowed, “I’m sorry” he said, because he couldn’t even deny it.

“Don’t be. It isn’t something you can control” Yixing said, sweet as ever. “I guess it’ll just be a night of Netflix and pizza”

Jongdae laughed in spite of himself, before an idea came into his head, “Actually….” He said, “How would you feel if I set you up with someone?”

“I’m listening…” Yixing sounded interested.

“His name is Junmyeon. Super hot. Real nice guy. Not in love with any friends. You’re definitely his type” Jongdae grinned, “I’ll send you his details and you can text him, telling him I gave them to you?”

“Sounds good to me,” Yixing agreed, “Send me his number. And Jongdae?”

“Yeah?”

“I hope things work out with Baekhyun”

“Thanks, Xing” Jongdae smiled a little. “Talk soon?”

“For sure. Let’s have coffee on Saturday as friends?”

“You’re on!” Jongdae agreed, “Bye!”

“Bye”

He hung up and slipped the phone back into his pocket before grabbing two cans of cola and heading back out to Baekhyun, who informed him there were two large pizzas on the way.

So being in love with your best friend was hard. But trying not to be was a whole lot harder.

He was twenty when he had a feeling that maybe his feelings weren’t exactly one sided after all.

Jongdae grimaced as Yixing and Junmyeon kissed sloppily across the table from him. They were in a little bar down town, just getting a few drinks to relax.

It was him, the two love bird, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, who really were just as bad and liked to flaunt how long they’d been together, and Baekhyun.

The latter was sat beside Jongdae, with one leg draped over Jongdae’s and a hand on Jongdae’s thigh whilst the other nursed a cocktail.

“Terrible, isn’t it” Baekhyun whispered in his ear, forcing Jongdae to supress a shudder.

Jongdae kept his face forward as he replied, “What is?”

“Having to watch all of these guys make out” Baekhyun laughed, “And not being able to do it ourselves… Or well, I mean we could, but…”

“But…” Jongdae prompted, finally looking at Baekhyun.

The sly smirk that fell over Baekhyun’s face was enough to make Jongdae somewhat nervous. “But, you wouldn’t wanna make out with me, would you?”

“I…” Jongdae swallowed, “Um… Maybe wouldn’t, you know, be against it…”

“Sure” Baekhyun snorted, “You’re such a prude, you wouldn’t dare”

Something hot flared through Jongdae. “You wanna bet?” he challenged.

Not one to back down, Baekhyun raised a brow, “I dare you to kiss me, Dae. Like you mean it”

Jongdae let out a low growl before he darted forward and caught Baekhyun in a breath-taking kiss.

He could hear the pounding of his heart in his ears as Baekhyun let out a small squeak of surprise before letting himself melt into Jongdae.

They might have been in the middle of a club, but it didn’t stop Jongdae from reaching over and grabbing onto Baekhyun’s thigh to pull him over until he was sat straddling Jongdae’s lap.

He could faintly hear the hoots and cheers of his friends that had obviously stopped to watch the show, but he paid them no mind. Focusing on the pounding of his heart against his chest, and the soft whimpers that Baekhyun let out against his lips.

Baekhyun’s pretty hands were locked in his hair, tight and tugging almost to the point that it was painful, but he didn’t care. Because he finally had what he wanted. Was finally getting it after so many years of waiting and pining and needing.

His hands gripping Baekhyun’s petite waist, tightly, but still lose enough to allow Baekhyun movement. And Baekhyun made the most of it as he rocked his hips against Jongdae, allowing excitement to rocket through them both.

Baekhyun pulled away slightly, his nose nudging against Jongdae’s as their alcohol tainted breaths mingled, dirty and moist against one another’s skin.

“I wanna hear you say it, Dae…” Baekhyun whispered, the sound almost swallowed up by the thrum of the music playing over the many speakers.

Jongdae swallowed hard, “Say what, Baekhyun?” he asked, though he already knew.

“Tell me you want me” Baekhyun told him.

Jongdae could feel the way his own breathing spiked at the demand, and it was doing strange things to his head, he felt a dizzy wave of uncertainty mixed with strong desire, but ultimately it was his need for Baekhyun that won over as it always did.

“I want you, Baek” Jongdae purred, “I want you so bad”

“Let’s get out of here” Baekhyun suggested.

And so they did.

They ended up back at Jongdae’s place. A run down little apartment that he was sharing with Kyungsoo. Small, but all they could afford with the crummy money they made at jobs during the hours that they weren’t at college.

It was hard to remember getting back, but he remembered everything that mattered. He remembered the way that they fell onto the bed and the way that Baekhyun undressed him with sure hands and a lazy smirk.

He remembered the way that Baekhyun writhed and moaned beneath him as they made love.

But more than anything, he remembered the way that Baekhyun hadn’t been there when he’d woken up the next morning.

When he thought back on that morning at age twenty, he realised it wasn’t that Baekhyun had left that had hurt the most. It was that he hadn’t even said goodbye.

“Wait, so he just… left? No note, no nothing?” Kyungsoo asked as he and Jongdae ate breakfast. “Dude… That’s cold”

Jongdae hummed, “You don’t have to tell me twice” he said, taking a large bite out of his toast, “Didn’t have Baek down as a prick, but I suppose you never really know someone completely”

“I bet he just feels awkward” Kyungsoo shrugged, “I mean, you guys have been friends since like forever, so you can’t expect him to just be cool with it. Are you?”

“Am I what?” Jongdae asked.

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, pointing at Jongdae with his fork, “Are you fine with the fact that you ed your best friend and could have potentially ruined your entire friendship?”

“Well I wasn’t until you said that” Jongdae frowned. “Should I call him?”

“Are you metal?” Kyungsoo asked, “That’s the last thing you should do. Now come on, it’s Sunday, we have no classes and neither of us have work today, so we’re going to go and have a nice day out”

Jongdae pursed his lips, “Doing what exactly?” he asked.

“Don’t ask questions that you don’t wanna know the answer to” Kyungsoo grinned before darting off to get dressed.

Jongdae rolled his eyes and put their empty plates in the sink before heading to his room to grab his things. Unlike Kyungsoo he liked to be ready before he came out for breakfast.

He unplugged his phone from where it was charging and sighed. He was about to put it in his pocket and head out when it buzzed with a text.

Hi Jongdae. I think we should talk about what happened last night. I’m sorry for running off like I did, I just panicked because I don’t know what all this means… But I… I want to see you. To talk to you. Please. –B

He bit down on his lips harshly. Baekhyun hadn’t exactly given him an idea of whether this would be a good or a bad talk. Still he knew they needed to talk about what they had done.

Meet me at Starbucks at noon. Was all he shot back before pocketing his phone and heading into Kyungsoo’s room to let him know what was going on.

He made it to Starbucks at five to twelve to find that Baekhyun was already there, sitting in the corner with a latte nursed between his hands and another cup in front of him that was obviously meant for Jongdae.

Jongdae sat down and smiled in a way that he hoped wasn’t awkward.

“I got you a black coffee, shot of caramel” Baekhyun said, foregoing a greeting.

Jongdae nodded, “Thanks” he said, “So…”

“Jongdae, I… I need to know one thing” Baekhyun said, avoiding looking at Jongdae.

“And that is?” Jongdae probed.

Baekhyun sighed before looking up at his best friend, “Do you regret it?”

“Honestly?”

“Just be straight with me, Dae.” Baekhyun sighed before wincing, “Bad word choice”

Jongdae let out a small laugh, “Yeah, but you should be used to that. And no, I don’t regret it. Honestly, I’ve had a thing for you for a while”

Baekhyun looked surprised, “How long?” he asked.

“Baek…”

“How long, Jongdae?”

“A few years…”

Baekhyun paused, “And you never told me?”

“What was I meant to say, Baek? For one you were dating Minseok when I figured it out. Then when you guys broke up, how ty would it have been for me to tell you?” Jongdae sighed, running a hand over his face in frustration. “And then last night we… And I woke up and you were gone. You were just gone and I thought I’d ed up royally. So what was I meant to say?”

Baekhyun looked a little speechless for the first time in his life, “I… I didn’t know”

“You weren’t meant to” Jongdae forced the bitterness to stay out of his tone. “That was the point”

Baekhyun hummed, sipping at his drink, “Well, maybe I should have realised. Maybe… Maybe it was best that you didn’t say anything because it wouldn’t have been the right time. But I think… I think that now might be the right time…”

“What are you saying?” Jongdae asked a little uncertainly.

Baekhyun shrugged one shoulder, “I’m saying that I like you, Dae” he said, “I’m saying that I don’t want last night to just be a one-time thing. I’m saying that I want this to maybe be something”

Jongdae smiled softly. He was twenty five now. And whilst looking back on things sometimes hurt  a little, he was the happiest he had ever been.

“Dae, you little , are you writing about our life again? I’m tell you, it’s not that interesting” Baekhyun groaned as he walked over and threw himself over Jongdae from behind.

Jongdae grinned, “I like writing about our life. It’ll help me when I’m all old and having memory problems”

“But I’ll be there to remind you” Baekhyun promised, “I’m an expert in our Jongdae’s feelings.”

“That you are, Baek” Jongdae smiled. “That you are.”

Jongdae has been friends with Baekhyun for a pretty long time. They met when they were twelve and auditioning for their school musical.

And he hoped that they would be friends and then some for the rest of their lives.

A/N: Hullo,
Long time no drabble. Ha. I hope you enjoy this one

This is also not been proof read bc I felt bad about how long it's been and just wanted to get something posted.
And I wanna let you know that even though I can't reply to everyone
I do read all of your comments and I appreciate them a lot!
You're all a bunch of sweethearts!
Until next time<3