Sehun, Luhan thinks, might just be reason enough to stay…

***

They all stare at him rather blankly, as though they can’t believe the words that have just left his lips, as though this must be some kind of sick joke, and Luhan wishes it were.

He really does.

“You can’t…” Sehun says, and Luhan watches as he bites back tears. Sehun’s always doing that, trying to hide the fact that he gets upset so easily because he hates being seen as the baby of the group, it almost makes Luhan want to laugh. Almost. “You can’t be serious”

“I am” Luhan says, and he’s upset too, he really is. But he has no choice. At least that’s what he keeps telling himself, because he knows that honestly, it’s just taking the coward’s way out.

“Hyung… We need you…” Kyungsoo says, “You’re family”

Luhan sighs, “But I have my other family, too. They count too… I have to be a man, I have to do right by them”

“Don’t pretend this is about them. We all know what this is really about” it’s Jongin that speaks this time, and Luhan avoids looking at him, because he knows the younger boy is right.

They all know what this is really about.

It’s about Sehun.

It’s about his feelings for Sehun. It’s about the fact that Sehun is four years younger than him, and is also a man. It’s about running away from things he’s too scared to face.

“Jongin…” Luhan says, but he doesn’t really know what to say after that, so he settles for looking around the room as eleven pairs of eyes stare at him in various states of emotion.

“No. I’m tired of people tiptoeing around the obvious. Why can’t you just act like you’re not a coward for once and face your ing issues!” Jongin snaps.

Luhan sighs, “It’s not like that…” he says and it’s a lie, he knows it is, he knows that they know it is, and he still can’t bring himself to look at Sehun, even though he knows the younger boy is trying to get his attention, trying to get him to look at him, to see him.

But Jongin’s right, Luhan’s a coward. Always has been and always will be.

“It’s exactly like that” Luhan’s surprised to hear Yixing’s voice this time.

He looks up at his, for all intents and purposes, brother to see the look of utter disappointment etched on that usually cheerful face, “Xing…”

“I didn’t want to agree with him. I don’t want to… But he’s right, Luhan. You’re running away, and by doing that, you don’t care about the people you’re leaving behind”

Luhan gasps, “Of course I care! I care a lot! Do you think this is easy for me?”

“It’s easier for you than staying” Yixing says, and there are tears in his eyes, because he’s about to lose his best friend. His brother.

Luhan sighs, taking a step towards him, but Yixing steps back, “Yixing, please… I need you to understand”

“I understand just fine” Yixing says, still walking backwards so that Luhan can’t get to him, “I understand better than you think I do, but it doesn’t mean that you’re right. It doesn’t make this okay”

Before Luhan can say anything else, Yixing turns and leaves.

There’s a beat of silence before Junmyeon shoves past Luhan and goes after Yixing, because it must be a shock for all of them to see the Chinese man like this. So downtrodden.

And Luhan hates he’s the one that caused it.

“G-Guys” Luhan gets out, his voice catching in his throat, because he’s going to cry and he really, really doesn’t want to cry. Not now, not with tensions so high.

Minseok is the next one to walk away, he just shoots Luhan a small shrug before walking out of the room, and Luhan doesn’t blame him. He doesn’t blame him in the slightest.

He also isn’t surprised when Jongdae walks off after Minseok, but Jongdae does stop at the doorway to turn back to Luhan, his voice is soft when he talks, there’s no venom behind it, but there is disappointment, and Luhan thinks that might just be worse than if Jongdae had been angry.

 “I get it. I get that it’s easier for you this way, but the world doesn’t keep turning because people choose the easy path. Just… It’s not just us you’re leaving behind if you do go, hyung. You’d do well to remember that” he says, and then he’s gone, gone with Minseok, and Yixing, and Junmyeon, and then there’s just eight of them left standing in the living room, which is still filling with awkwardness, threatening to drown them at any minute.

They stand there for a while, and it feels like forever to Luhan, because they’re all staring at him, but at the same time, they won’t meet his eye. And he understands that too, because he knows that Jongin was right. He’s a coward and there’s no getting away from that.

Well, there is one way, but being a coward has its draw backs, and not being able to overcome that cowardice is one of the bigger ones.

“Are you really doing this?”

Luhan looks up to see Baekhyun watching him with weary eyes, unshed tears obviously there. He’s crossing his arms tight over his chest, and Luhan knows Baekhyun well enough to know that it’s a defence mechanism for when he’s feeling particularly vulnerable.

He watches as Chanyeol moves over to Baekhyun and pulls him into a tight embrace from behind, but Baekhyun’s eyes are still boring into Luhan, as if testing him, as if trying to understand what’s really happening in Luhan’s ed up brain at that moment.

“Baekhyun… I just… If I had any other choice…” Luhan says, his voice is cracking, and getting weaker.

Chanyeol shakes his head sadly, “Don’t. Don’t bull him, hyung. There’s a choice, there’s always a choice” he says.

Luhan sighs, “This is just so ing hard, you don’t understand!” he yells, and the tears pool over and he’s crying, because he can’t get out the right words to explain why he has to do this, why he can’t stay. Why he can’t… Why he can’t deal with this. With Sehun. With anything.

“Maybe we don’t. But this isn’t about us. It’s not even about you, not really. It’s about him” Chanyeol says, loosening an arm from around Baekhyun to jab a finger in Sehun’s direction.

Luhan risks a glance at the boy, only to see him with his head down staring at his feet. He thinks it’s his fault, and Luhan just wants to hug him and tell him over and over that it isn’t until he believes it. Because it isn’t Sehun’s fault that he’s so amazing. So… lovable.

Luhan lets out a soft sigh, “Can you guys give us a minute?” he asks, looking around at everyone. He notices that Sehun doesn’t bother to move, he just stays there, standing still, looking at his feet as he wiggles his toes awkwardly.

“Don’t this up” Jongin says a little viciously, but Luhan understands why. He’s always been close with Jongin, but Sehun is Jongin’s best friend and the tanned dancer is nothing if not protective of the people he loves.

Kyungsoo says nothing as he tugs on the sleeve of Jongin’s jumper and pulls him out of the room, followed by Chanyeol with Baekhyun still wrapped up in his arms.

“Please don’t leave, ge…” Tao whispers  before he walks out of the door, leaving just Kris and Sehun with Luhan.

“Yifan…” Luhan prompts, but Kris shakes his head as though to say ‘give me a second’.

“I just…” Kris sighs before he walks over and pulls Luhan into a warm hug, “They’re only being harsh because they’re upset. Because we love you a lot, and we don’t want you to leave. You really need to think about this, Han. You really do, because this isn’t just his happiness you’d be ing over, it’s yours too. And everyone’s really…” he pulls back and smiles gently down at Luhan, “I’m not trying to guilt trip you with this or anything, I just… Really don’t want you to go, Lu-Ge”

Luhan nods, “I love you all, you know that. You have to know that”

“Of course we know, stupid” Kris laughs, but his voice catches slightly, and Luhan knows he’s trying not to cry. “Don’t up” he nods towards Sehun before giving Luhan one last squeeze and leaving  the room.

Sehun doesn’t say anything, he just lets out a soft sigh before walking over and sitting on the sofa where he waits.

Luhan takes the hint after a few seconds and goes and sits beside him, but makes sure to leave a little bit of space between them.

“So…” Luhan coughs.

“Don’t” Sehun sighs, “Don’t do that. You don’t get to be all awkward with me now. Not after… You just don’t get that, okay…”

Luhan nods awkwardly, “I’m not trying to be, I just, I don’t know what you want me to say…”

“I want you to say you’re not going to go. I want you to say you’re not going to be a coward and you’re not just going to run away from this instead of talking to me about it. Instead of actually letting this… be something….” Sehun pushes, “Just… ing hell…”

And Luhan has never felt so guilty in his life. The look on Sehun’s face is killing him, and he hates that it’s his fault that Sehun is so upset. All because he can’t just face his feelings like a strong person.

“The last thing I wanted was to hurt you” he says honestly, “you mean so much to me, Sehun. I just… I can’t do this. You’re… You’re twenty one years old. And I’m… and we’re both guys and it’s just… God, could you even imagine what would happen if the media caught wind of this? It’s better that I just go…”

“Better for who, Luhan?!” Sehun snaps, “ing… better for who? Because I can’t think of anyone that this is better for! You don’t want to go, and you bloody well know you don’t! And you know full well that they don’t want you to. And I… The last ing thing I want is for you to leave!”

Luhan bites down on his lip, “I’m sorry”

“Don’t be sorry, just don’t go!” Sehun pleads, and he looks pitiful doing so, he knows he does, but he can’t stop, “Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to us, Luhan”

“You guys’ll be fine without me” Luhan says, his voice catching ever so slightly as he grips onto the bottom of his t-shirt, tight enough that he’s almost tearing the fabric.

“I’m not talking about them” Sehun says, “I’m talking about us, us. Me and you. I don’t care about anything else right now, and hell maybe I’m being selfish, but so are you!”

Luhan blinks back the tears that are threatening at his eyes, “I’m just doing what I think it best for everyone” he says towards his lap, all too aware of Sehun staring at him, “I don’t want anyone to get hurt because of me”

“It’s a bit late for that, don’t you think?” Sehun replies, and he doesn’t say it maliciously, he says it factually, and that hurts Luhan all the more.

Luhan can feel himself break, and he can’t stop the tears from falling, “I don’t know what to do, Sehun. I’m scared, okay! I’m so goddamn scared, because I don’t understand any of this! I don’t understand why I ing love you so much, and I don’t understand why I can’t just do the right thing. I just don’t understand anything anymore and I hate it! I’m sorry, okay! I’m so sorry, but I don’t know how to deal with any of this!”

Sehun doesn’t respond for a long time, he just sits there in silence and watches Luhan. Every so often, Luhan sees him open his mouth as though to say something, but he only snaps it shut again and continues to watch.

“Please say something” Luhan ends up saying, because he can’t take it any longer. He can’t deal with the silence. He can’t deal with the way that he’s hurting the person that means more to him than anything in the world.

Sehun sighs, running a hand through his hair, “What do you want me to say, Luhan?” he asks, “Do you want me to tell you to stay? Because we both know that it won’t matter. Do you want me to tell you how much I love you? Because it’ll only make you run further away. Do you want me to tell you how much it ing breaks my heart that you don’t want to at least try with me? To risk it so that we can see how this thing goes? Because I’m pretty sure you already know that one. So really, what can I say anymore that will make a difference, Luhan?”

“I’m just scared, Sehun…”

“So you’ve said” Sehun says back, his voice void of emotion, as though he’s too fed up to try anymore.

“I’m sorry”

Sehun nods, “You’ve said that, too” he replies, but there are silent tears spilling over, giving him away even with his voice firm and uncaring.

“I never wanted it to end up this way” Luhan tells him, “I just wanted you to be happy”

“And you think I’ll be happy if you go? Stop making this about me, when it’s so obviously about you, Luhan” Sehun whispers, “You need to stop pushing all of the blame onto me when the only thing I did was ask you not to leave”

“And that was the worst thing you could have done” Luhan says quietly, “Because it makes me realise how much I don’t want to go”

Sehun looks up in surprise, “Then don’t” he says, his voice giving into the emotion as it overwhelms him, “Don’t go”

“I have to. You don’t understand, I have to” Luhan says, tears spilling down his cheeks at an alarming rate.

Sehun only shakes his head though, “No” he says, taking Luhan’s hands away from his frayed shirt and holding them in his own, “No, you don’t have to at all. This is your choice, your choice. So choose not to go, Lu…”

“Sehun…” Luhan whimpers, “Sehun…”

But Sehun shakes his head again and doesn’t bother to say anything before he leans in and presses his lips to Luhan’s.

It’s a wet kiss, because of the tears flowing, but it’s needy, and it’s everything that Luhan needs.

“I have a choice” Luhan whispers against Sehun’s lips, as though realising it for the first time. As though for the first time in his life, he isn’t afraid that he really does have the choice, the chance to make things right again.

“You have a choice” Sehun repeats, and then they’re kissing again.

It’s hurried, and a little messy, but it’s what Luhan needs, because when Sehun is kissing him like this he realises that he’s being stupid, that sometimes, it’s worth the risk.

He’s still scared, god he’s scared, but he knows that he isn’t alone. And it isn’t just Sehun he has. It’s everyone.

“Please, just stay” Sehun whispers as he presses kisses all over Luhan’s face, soft, yet frantic kisses, “Stay with me. Please, please. Please”

Luhan lifts his hands to cup Sehun’s face, keeping him still with a gentle touch and resting their foreheads together, “I… I want to… But my family… my mum and dad think I’m coming home…”

“Then talk to them. Tell them you changed your mind, they’ll understand” Sehun pleads, “Just… For once, follow your heart, Lu. Please”

Luhan knows that Sehun hates begging, knows that he thinks it’s something that people should never reduce themselves to it.

And yet here he was, Oh Sehun was all but on his knees as he begs, pleads, tears still falling from his eyes.

Luhan both loves and hates how sensitive Sehun is. He hates it because it always sways his vote in things, but he loves it because Sehun is so raw and honest with his emotions. And that is something that very few people still possess.

“I… I’ll talk to them” Luhan says quietly. “I’ve already booked my ticket, so I’ll go see them in person. I’ll stay with them for a week, and then… I’ll come back. I’ll come back to you. I’ll stay” he nods, more to himself than Sehun, but he can feel Sehun nod back, his hair brushing over Luhan’s forehead.

“You promise?” Sehun asks, “You really mean in?”

Luhan laughs through his tears, “Yeah, yeah I mean it. I promise you”

And then Sehun is laughing to, and it’s more out of disbelief than anything else, but he pulls Luhan into hug, holding him tight enough to hurt, “Thank you. God, thank you so, so much”

Luhan lets out a soft laugh again before he holds Sehun back, just as tightly, “You know this isn’t going to be easy, right?” he says once they let go of one another, though they keep their hands locked together.

“I know” Sehun says, but he’s looking at Luhan with a hint of confusion in his eyes.

Luhan smiles a little sadly, “Do you?” he asks, his voice gentle, “Because I mean it. It’s going to be a whole bundle of hard. I… I really do love you, you know? But I can’t just… Everything that I’m feeling right now. It’s not going to be like ‘wow I’m okay with all of this overnight’ or whatever. I’m still trying to come to terms with who I am as a person, and I know you wanna be a part of that, and I want you to be, but there are going to be times when I’m a nightmare to deal with. Or when we’re going to get pissed off at each other. Or when we’re not going to understand each other, but I just… I wanna try this. But I need to take things slowly. Does that seem like something you can do?”

Sehun smiles back, giving Luhan’s hands a squeeze as he does, “We’ll go as slowly as you need” he says, “This is at your pace. This is going to be okay, Lu. We’ll work through this, okay”

“Alright” Luhan smiles, accepting the soft kiss that Sehun gives him.

“YOU’RE STAYING?”

The two of them turn to see Tao standing in the doorway, his eyes full of hope.

Luhan smiles, “I’m gonna go visit my parents for a week” he says slowly, “But then I’ll be back. And… I plan to stay”

The air leaves Luhan as Tao bounds across the room and smacks right into him, wrpping him up in a hug, “Thank god! Gege you scared the life out of me!”

“You’re squeezing the life out of me!” Luhan gasps, then in a deep breath as Tao lets him go with a sheepish ‘sorry, ge’.

“Well, what do you know” Luhan looks up to see Jongin leaning against the door frame, his lips turned up slightly on one side, “He can be brave,” Jongin finishes.

Luhan hums awkwardly, “I guess you had a point, huh?” he replies.

Jongin rolls his eyes, “I’m sorry for being so harsh, hyung. But you know it was for a reason, right?”

“I know” Luhan nods, “I deserved it”

“No hard feelings?” Jongin asks, holding his arms open.

Luhan laughs and walks over, letting himself be hugged by the younger boy, “None at all” he says.

He doesn’t manage to get out of Jongin’s arms before everyone is falling back into the room and joining the hug, and there are a lot of tears, but it’s okay, because they’ve gotten through worse.

--

“You made us all so worried” Jongdae says later that day, when they’re all sat in the garden around a small bonfire as a little impromptu celebration.

Luhan smiles sheepishly, “I’m sorry” he says for what feels like the millionth time that day.

“I’m glad you made the right choice” Yixing says softly, “I was ready to be really mad at you. I mean, I would have gotten over it, but not for a while” he smiles teasingly, and Luhan is glad to see him smiling again.

“Same” Minseok pipes up, and it’s the first time he’s spoken all day.

Luhan sighs, “I’m really sorry” he says to his best friend.

Minseok nods, “I know. Doesn’t make it any less though. But if it’s worth anything, I’m glad you decided not to go. Even if it wasn’t for my benefit”

“You know I love you, Min. But if it makes you feel any better, at least you weren’t the reason I was leaving either” Luhan jokes poorly.

They all look at him with faces that tell him he’s not funny, but they’re smiling too, and it makes Luhan realise how stupid he would have been to have left this all behind, because these eleven boys…

They’ve becoming his family. His life.

And it makes Luhan realise;

Sehun, is definitely, reason enough to stay…

A/N: :) 
Hunhan... :)