Bad Habits ain't so Bad

It was a hollow feeling, and though it was something he told himself he was used to, he never would be. There was just something about feeling empty that you never really got used to, that you’d never really understand.

Being around friends sometimes made him forget for a while, he laughed and joked and everyone thought he was fine, that he was happy and that the past just didn’t affect him anymore – why would it. It was the past after all.

But a few hours in, he would look at the laughing faces of his friends and he’d feel nothing. They didn’t even notice when he’d retreat and head up to the top floor of the stone castle of a school and sit in one of the empty classrooms.

At eighteen, he knew that everyone thought the world was against them, thought that they were a victim of everything they came across, but he knew that this wasn’t that, too. Sometimes, he thought maybe it was that kind of situation, but surviving a war did some ed up things to a person.

He didn’t know if it was PTSD or if it was just sheer grief that was eating him alive.

With a sigh, he pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his legs around him tightly, resting his chin atop of them.

“Shouldn’t you be partying it up with your friends?”

Luhan looked up to see Oh Sehun stood in the dark doorway of the room. It was only then he realised he’d not the light. But it didn’t look as though Sehun would be any time soon either.

Luhan and Sehun had a history. They were enemies, or at least they were meant to be. From eleven onwards it had been fight after fight, argument after argument, but then things became a little blurred during all the madness of the war.

They still weren’t friends, they probably never would be, but they didn’t exactly hate each other anymore. Though, Luhan supposed they never did. They were just thrown into the lives they had and were enemies more out of circumstance than actual dislike for one another.

Luhan wasn’t daft, he knew that Sehun could be a complete arsehole and his morals were questionable a lot of the time, but Sehun was also honest. Which was a lot more than he could say for his friends lately. They seemed to have just…. Gone.

Sehun was a constant, whether Luhan wanted him or not.

“What do you want, Oh?” Luhan sighed, he wasn’t in the mood to be around people right now, especially not Sehun. He didn’t want to fight.

Sehun shrugged, moving in to sit beside Luhan and mimicking his posture, “Nothing, I needed to get out for a bit. Saw you in here”

“And decided to come say hi?” Luhan scoffed, “Is that really what you’re going with?” he turned his head to look at Sehun, who was simply staring ahead at the wall in front of them.

Sehun laughed once, shaking his head slightly, “No. You know me better than that. I came in here to be a about you having no friends, but it’s hard to pick on someone that looks so done with life. the fun out of it”

“Wow, it’s almost as though you’re developing a conscience” Luhan deadpanned, “That doesn’t explain why you’re still here though” he pointed out.

Sehun smiled, turning to look at Luhan, searching his eyes for something, “I don’t know, really. Not to sound cliché but there’s something about you that draws me in. You make me feel calm. Like there’s some level or normalcy in my life still”

“It pains me to say that I understand what you mean” Luhan smiled slightly, “It’s like… Since the bad guys went bye-bye, so did every other ing thing that I knew in my life. Or thought I knew. My friends are acting like this whole thing never happened and just getting off their heads twenty-four-seven. My parents… well, dead, so that’s out. My family, also dead, lucky me. The only thing in my life that makes sense anymore is… you. And, I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this…”

Sehun laughed softly, “No, I get it. My mum and dad are on the run, my other family has either been killed or arrested. Everyone here hates me because they think I’m evil, and my friends… Their parents have either pulled them out of school, or they’re too focused on getting their grades and getting out. I don’t blame them for that, though, I can see why they just want to move on with their lives. But you’ve kind of stayed the same. A little more depressed maybe, but still annoying as ever”

“You have such a way with words, arsehole” Luhan scoffed. He let out a sigh before turning back to look at the wall ahead, “Can you just go?” he said after a long while, “I’d prefer to be alone”

“Why?” Sehun asked, “So you can sit here and cry yourself to sleep again, like you do every night? Or maybe so you can just stare at the wall for hours on end? Why are you so hell-bent on being alone in this, Luhan?”

Luhan huffed out a breath, “What am I supposed to do?! Cry to my friends about how I can’t handle normal life anymore? Tell them that without a fight, I don’t know how to function?! Why drag them down from their high, why be a burden? Or better yet, why don’t I lean on your shoulder? Since we’re obviously such good friends, right? Spare me the lecture, Sehun. I don’t want to hear it”

“And maybe if I were one of your little mates, I’d listen to you, but I’m not. You need to ing hear it, and I’m sick of watching all of your friends coddle you. Poor little Lulu, doesn’t know how to be a person – news flash, nobody does!” Sehun snapped back, “You’re not the only one that grew up around this fight, you’re not the only one that doesn’t know life outside of a war-zone, you know. And if you can’t unload your burdens onto your friends, well then, what kind of friends are they really? Huh?”

Luhan groaned before getting to his feet angrily and looking down at Sehun, “Why do you even care what I do?! Do I need to remind you that we don’t like each other?! Or maybe if I bring up the fact that I nearly killed you last year?! What will get your off my ?!” he demanded, “I’ve had enough to deal with, I don’t need you on my case too!”

Sehun stood up also, his height forcing Luhan to look up at him, “So you’d rather I baby you? Tip-toe around the fact that you’re a mess? Because we both know I’m not gonna do that. Luhan, you’re not the only one dealing with , alright. This isn’t a pity-party for one. This is everyone getting on with life and not folding in on themselves! Don’t try and pull that on me, because it isn’t going to work. I can see right through you, Luhan. Right through the mask you’re putting on” he shook his head with a bitter laugh, “Jesus, you just don’t get it, do you? Nobody cares enough to notice that you’re having a hard time, because they’re too caught up in the fact that so are they and they need to fix themselves before they can even think about helping someone else”

“Then why are you here?” Luhan shot back, “Why are you so concerned with my wellbeing? You don’t even like me!”

“Don’t I?” Sehun raised a brow, “Why? Because we were born into our roles and we have to stick to them. Ah, yeah. Evil little Sehun can’t possibly understand what the hero is going through. We’re the same person Luhan, only we had to go down different paths. You had to be the hero, I had to be the villain, and for so ing long we didn’t have a choice but to keep on walking, then this war finished and now we have a choice, so stop pushing everyone away and just… be here. In the present, with me”

“Be here with you?” Luhan whispered, his shoulders slumped, “Sehun, do you even hear yourself? We’re not friends, so please… Please stop acting like we are, or like you want us to be. Is it so bad that I just want to forget for a while? Is it so bad that being on my own helps?”

“But does it?” Sehun asked, moving closer to Luhan, trapping him against a desk, “Does it really help? Or does it just mean you can cry on your own and hurt until you pass out from the pain? Fine, we aren’t friends, maybe we never will be. But I can help you forget, Lu. Let me help you forget”

Luhan looked up with tired eyes, noting the way that the moon shining through the window cast shadows of Sehun’s lashes over his cheeks, and the way that Sehun’s pretty pink lips remained slightly parted when he wasn’t talking, “How?” he asked, “How could you possibly do that?”

Sehun pressed forward so that his body was flush against Luhan’s, “There are lots of ways” he whispered, “But I know one that’s the most effective. If you’re interested, that is…”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” Luhan let out a shaky breath, feeling Sehun’s hands trail slowly up his sides and beneath his shirt where they came to rest on his waist, his thumbs tracing idle patterns on the skin there.

“Yes you do” Sehun replied quietly, “You can’t lie to me. I’m not one of your friends, Lu, we’ve just established that. I know you, I know when you’re lying, and I know when you want something… You want this, don’t you? So badly that it hurts, because I’d be lying if I said I didn’t”

Luhan shook his head and gasped slightly as he felt Sehun’s breath fan out over his ear as the younger leaned in, “I don’t… I don’t want this” he lied, “It’s not… it wouldn’t end well”

“It’s not like there are any feelings involved, right? Don’t you wanna forget? Even for a little while, Lu?” Sehun asked softly, “Let me help you forget about it all. I can make you feel good”

“Sehun, please…” Luhan breathed, “Please…”

Sehun let his nose push against Luhan’s cheek in gentle persuasion, “Please, what?”

“Please… I want to forget about life for a while” Luhan said, his voice cracking slightly as tear began to fall from his eyes in desperation.

Sehun’s lips quirked slightly in a small, sad smile “Okay” he said, and then his lips were on Luhan’s, soft and understanding.

That was the first time Luhan ever got to see a strikingly different side of Sehun. He’d been Sehun in his prime of being a bad person, he’d seen Sehun when he was regretful, when he was sad, when he was angry, happy, even remorseful. But he’d never seen Sehun be sweet. Never seen Sehun be gentle, and caring. Never seen Sehun let go.

Sehun’s body was warm against his own, and it did make him forget about life. The only thing he could think about, could focus on, was the feeling of Sehun moving against him, of the way his lips moved over his own. Sehun promised he would forget for a while, and he did.

There was something about Sehun that his friends could never equate to. And that was the understanding that Sehun had about him. Sehun knew what it was like to be put in a position where you had no escape. To be put in a place where everyone else called all the shots and you were just a mule to get things done.

Sehun was able to connect with him in ways that nobody else could. His friends sympathised, of course, but they could never fully comprehend what he felt, what was going through his head. They tended to baby him, and treat him like a child.

But Sehun didn’t. Sehun was harsh, and blunt, and sometimes pushed too far, he was everything that Luhan wished he could hate, but there was no way that he could, because Sehun is all the things he needs. Sehun is someone that won’t accept his ty excuses, is someone that will make him rise to a challenge, someone that makes him feel alive.

After that first night, it becomes like a bad habit.

They find each other in the same classroom each night, and they help each other forget that they don’t know how to live in a world where they can be free for the first time ever.

It’s not always , sometimes it’s just kisses shared like secrets, or soft touches in the dead of the night, when they know that nobody can find them.

It’s always the same, or at least it is for a long time, Sehun gentle coerces Luhan into letting him help, and Luhan in turn, lets himself be lost in Sehun’s comfort. And that’s all there is to it.

When the sun begins to peak out, they pull away from the lingering touches and the wanting caress of lips, and go their separate ways, one to the warms tower and one to the cold dungeon rooms.

If their friends notice, they don’t say anything, they simply carry on as if things are grand.

“So, Jongdae asked me on a date” Minseok told Luhan one day as they walk to class.

Luhan smiled at that, since he knew that Minseok had been crushing on Jongdae for a long time coming, but with the war, they never had a chance to make anything of it. The day the bad fell, Jongdae had turned and told Minseok that he meant the world to him, and it had taken until now for them to actually make anything of that. “Where’s he taking you?” he asked with a smile.

“Little coffee shop in town” Minseok laughed, “He knows me weaknesses”

Luhan chuckles and links his arm with his best friend’s “I’m so happy for you guys!”

“How about you though, anyone special in mind?” Minseok asks.

Luhan almost choked when the first name that sprung to mind was Sehun’s. He looked up then, to see Sehun watching him curiously, as though he could read what had just passed through Luhan’s mind. He smiled when he noticed that he’d been caught, and Luhan blinked before he smiled back, “Not at the moment” he lied to Minseok, his eyes still on Sehun’s, “I’m just… Taking things one day at a time”

“Lu… I know that I’ve been a bit… distant lately. And it’s not been fair on you. I just… I want you to know that you can come to me with anything, okay? I might not understand it all, but I will always be here for you. Jongdae, too” Minseok said softly, “You know that, right?”

“Of course” Luhan rolled his eyes, finally tearing them away from Sehun’s, “You’re not my best friend for nothing, Min” he smiled, “I’ve just… I’ve needed time to clear my head a little anyway. Adjust to normal life”

Minseok nodded, “I get that. I always forget how hard this must be for you. You’ve never had an easy life, Lu. But it’s important that you let yourself enjoy this new hand that’s been given to you. It’s a second chance. A chance for you to finally be happy… And hey, I hear that Yixing has a bit of a thing for you…”

“Yixing?” Luhan’s eyes widened, “Are you kidding me? Junmyeon is in love with the kid, I’d never get between that. Besides, Yixing is a really good friend of mine, it’d just be too weird…” he shuddered lightly, “He’s too nice for me anyway, I just need some me-time lately. After how it ended with Jongin, I’m not sure I want to jump back into the whole dating game just yet…”

Minseok sighed, “That was over a year ago, Lu” he said, “You’ve got to move on some time. He has”

“And that’s great for him. But he was the one cheating on me with Kyungsoo. As happy as I am that they’re happy, being ed over rather than being told outright isn’t exactly comforting” Luhan sighed, “Anyway, Jongdae is waiting for you, go sit with him”

“But who will you work with… There’s only one person without a partner” he said cautiously, glancing over at where Sehun was sat, watching the two of them.

Luhan sighed again, “I’ll just work with Sehun. We’re not thirteen anymore, we’re capable of working together and not killing each other” he laughed slightly before walking away from his best friend and sitting down beside Sehun.

They didn’t say anything to one another as the teacher spoke, but Sehun was quick to hook his ankle with Luhan’s below the table.

Luhan smiled down at his notebook, his foot moving to rub against Sehun’s leg, almost comfortingly. He didn’t know when they’d gone from helping one another out to being committed to whatever it was they had, but he knew that he didn’t think he’d be getting out any time soon.

He barely heard their assignment, too focused on the way that Sehun’s hand had moved down to squeeze his thigh lightly, teasingly.

It kind of amazes him how comfortable they are with one another now.

They meet up again that night in empty classroom, with the lights out and the moon shining through the large windows. But something felt different, something felt… off.

“What?” Luhan asked, “Something’s up, what is it…”

Sehun hesitated, “I um, I’m not sure that this is a good idea anymore” he said, “It’s not… It’s getting too…”

“I told you this would end badly” Luhan pointed out with a sigh, moving closer to Sehun and grabbing the younger’s wrists to keep him in place.

“Luhan…”

Luhan shook his head, “No. No, listen. You started this, so you don’t just get to walk away without so much as an explanation”

“This was supposed to be about mutual forgetting…” Sehun said, “And it’s… we’re getting in too deep. It’s getting dangerous”

Luhan nodded, “Ah, so feelings. This is about feelings”

“Okay, you could be less of a about it” Sehun rolled his eyes, “This is literally me trying to make it so things don’t get awkward and you’re taking the piss”

“Yeah, because I don’t want this to stop” Luhan shot back, “I got invested in this a long while back, so you don’t get to give up because you’re scared!”

Sehun scoffed, “Oh great, so now we’re what… dating in secret?!”

“I guess we are!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

“Good!”

“Good!”

“Fine!”

“Shut up and kiss me already!” Luhan shouted, pulling Sehun in for a hard kiss.

Being in a relationship with Sehun wasn’t as weird as Luhan thought it would be. It was actually pretty easy. And what helped that along was the fact that Sehun didn’t take any of Luhan’s bull, he was blunt and honest, but he wasn’t horrible about it. He was there for Luhan like nobody else was in the sense that he understood just what Luhan was going through, and the same was to be said in reverse.

The hardest part of their relationship came a month after they’d established it. When Luhan realised that he would have to tell his friends.

Sehun held his hand gently beneath the table. They’d become partners in class for the long run now, though nobody cared all that much, they’d always end up being the only two without a partner and thus ended up together, though they both preferred it that way.

“It’ll be fine” Sehun whispered, “They’re your friends, they’re supposed to support you”

Luhan sighed, “But what if they don’t?”

“Then they’re not your friends, are they” Sehun pointed out, “You’re not hurting anyone by being with me. You’re not putting yourself in a bad place. You’re not unhappy. So why should they be against it?”

Luhan looked bemused, “Oh I don’t know, maybe because for the better part of our childhood we hated each other, and you were pretty ing nasty to them?” he deadpanned, making Sehun smile slightly, “Seriously, Sehun. I need them to, I don’t know. They don’t have to like it, but I need them to support it”

“And what if they don’t? Are you going to end this?” Sehun asked cautiously.

Luhan sighed, “No, of course not. But it’ll be hard to get past. They’re my best friends, Sehun. They’re like my family…”

“Well then, if they’re as good of friends as you say, you shouldn’t be doubting them, should you?” Sehun said smartly, “Luhan, you’re overthinking this. We aren’t the same person we were back then. I’m not that person anymore, and I know you’re not that innocent little that everyone thought you were. So relax. They’ll either support you, or they won’t. But there’s no use crying over it until you know for sure”

Luhan sighed “Whatever”

“Hey, don’t give me that attitude. You’re sore because you know I’m right, so shut the up and stop being a little about it” Sehun snapped, though he wasn’t really angry. He just wasn’t patient enough to go through the same over and over again. Especially when he knew that Luhan knew he was right.

Luhan glared slightly, “ you” he huffed, but he still laced his fingers with Sehun’s below the desk, holding them tightly as though afraid to let go.

After class, the two of them walk together to the courtyard, where Minseok is sitting with Jongdae and Baekhyun, they’re laughing about something, and from across the way, Luhan can see Chanyeol – one of Sehun’s friends – watching Baekhyun with heart eyes. It’s almost funny, because he knows that Baekhyun likes the weird giant boy, but is too chicken to admit it.

They stand in front of Luhan’s friends, until Sehun clears his throat and the three of them look up, only to frown in confusion.

“Lu? What’s going on?” Minseok asked, “Is he giving you trouble?”

Luhan shook his head, “No, nothing like that” he said softly.

“Then what?” Baekhyun asked.

Luhan looked at Sehun, his eyes almost pleading. He couldn’t say it, he wanted them to know, but the words just wouldn’t leave his mouth.

Sehun seemed to get the message as he gave Luhan a small nod, “We’re going out. Boyfriends. Dating. Whatever you want to call it, we’re together, and if that’s a problem, then you can go yourself in the arse with a cactus for all I care, because friends should accept friends choices unless it hurts them, and I make him happy so th-”

“Sehun, shut up” Minseok cut him off with a laugh, “Jesus. Shut up. We don’t care that he’s dating you. As long as he’s happy and you’re not being a to him anymore, it isn’t our choice. You two have obviously gotten over that childhood feud or whatever, so chill”

Sehun’s mouth opened slightly in shock. That, he wasn’t expecting.

“Are you two just gonna stand there catching flies, or are you gonna come sit?” Jongdae asked, “Oh, and Sehun, please ask Chanyeol to join us. If I have to look up and see him making googly eyes at Baek any longer, I think I’m gonna puke”

Sehun blinked, “I… I, okay. I’ll go get him…” he said before walking off blankly, leaving Luhan to his friends.

“I… You don’t care?” Luhan asked as he sat down beside Minseok.

Minseok snorted, “Obviously we care, just not in the way you thought we would. As long as you’re happy and he’s treating you right, I couldn’t care less. We might not be his biggest fan, but we can get to know him. A lot has changed since the war, so you can’t judge someone by their past mistakes” he shrugged.

Sehun came back then, with Chanyeol on his heels looking nervous, but happy. Sehun sat opposite Luhan, whilst Chanyeol slipped in between his friend and Baekhyun.

“Hi” Chanyeol smiled at everyone before looking at Baekhyun, “Hey Baekhyun, you look nice today”

Baekhyun smiled shyly, “Oh? Oh, thank you… Y-You too” he said. It was weird seeing the mood maker so nervous and awkward.

“Chanyeol, how long are we going to have to sit here before you ask Baekhyun on a date?” Minseok asked easily, raising a brow at the tall boy.

“MINSEOK!” Baekhyun squeaked.

But Chanyeol only laughed good naturedly, “No, no. It’s okay, he has a point, I’ve been mooning for a while. So, how about it, Baek? Are you free Friday night? I heard there was a meteor shower and I’m a huge astrology buff. Maybe I can show you some constellations”

Baekhyun smiled brightly, “I think that would be brilliant” he answered, “I’m always down to learn about stars”

“They are pretty”

“Dead too”

“Sehun, don’t ruin this for them” Luhan scolded.

Sehun snorted, “Trust me, after hearing Yeol rant about how much he wished Baekhyun would noticed him like fourteen million times, his romanticness loses its touch” he said.

“Wow, rude” Chanyeol huffed playfully.

The others laughed and joked, and the six of them became a group in themselves. Spending their free time together, taking lunch together, and forming a bond, that had it not been for the truma they’d all faced, would not have existed.

And for the first time since the war;

 Luhan felt okay again.

A/N: Idek, i just wanted hunhan