I'm Gonna be Strong

Based on Gene Pitney's 'I'm Gonna be Strong'

I can see... You're slipping away from me...

It starts when he introduces them for the first time. There's that instant connection that makes him know that he's going to regret it.

"Yixing," he says, an arm around his boyfriend's waist, "this is Junmyeon. My friend. 'Myeon, this is Yixing. My boyfriend"

Yixing smiles, almost flirtatiously as Junmyeon takes his hand. They don't really shake, it's more that they grip each other's hands for a moment as they exchange greetings, "nice to meet you"

"Likewise" Junmyeon replies, his eyes gleaming.

They move over to the living room after that, where more friends await with pizza and a selection of DVDs.

Jongdae pretends he doesn't notice the way that Junmyeon sits beside Yixing, a little too closely. Or the way that Yixing smiles when he does.

He pretends not to be bothered at how his best friend and his boyfriend sit together during the films, and he's left to sit on the floor beside Minseok, who gives him a pitying shrug and a pat on the shoulder.

He knows as soon as the night is over, and people are saying their goodbyes, by the way that the hug between Yixing and Junmyeon lingers just a fraction to long, by the way Junmyeon's lips ghost over Yixing's cheek as he whispers goodnight, that it's the beginning of the end.

And you're so afraid. I'll plead with you to stay…

The next two months are horrible. But he acts like it's okay, because what else can he do?

He sees all the looks that Yixing shoots him when they're alone in the house. They're just going through the motions.

He pretends not to hear the woeful sighs that leave Yixing as they lay in bed at night. Pretends he doesn't know that Yixing would rather be in the arms of his best friend.

"Tea?" Jongdae asks, shooting Yixing a smile.

Yixing hums, "tea sounds nice"

"Milk, two sugars?" Jongdae asks out of habit.

Yixing pauses, "um... I've actually switched to green tea" he coughs awkwardly.

"Since when?" Jongdae frowns before he can stop himself.

"Ah... well, Junmyeon convinced me. You know, health benefits and all that, given I'm a dancer and what have you..." Yixing tells him, trying almost too hard to sound casual about it.

Jongdae swallows the lump in his throat, "Right. Yeah, I should have guessed, huh?" He laughs, trying not to taste the bitterness left behind in his mouth.

He goes and makes the teas, and after Yixing thanks him, they don't talk for the rest of the night.

But I'm gonna be strong... And let you go your way...

He doesn't mean to see it, but he does anyway.

He's on his lunch break when it happens, with Kyungsoo, the two of them do as they always do on a Thursday, head to the park to eat their lunch, for a bit of fresh air.

He sits on the bench, and looks over the park, and Kyungsoo is talking, but he no longer hears what the other man is saying because his eyes land on a couple just across the way from them.

Jongdae is thankful that he's concealed by the trees, because he doesn't want them to see him. Doesn't want them to know the he can see Junmyeon's lips pressing against Yixing's cheeks, over and over again, whilst Yixing laughs.

He looks happier than Jongdae has seen him look in a very long time.

"... so they need t- Jongdae what are you looking at- oh..." Kyungsoo cuts himself off as he follows Jongdae's line of sight.

"You didn't see anything" Jongdae says simply, "let's go get a smoothie"

He doesn't give Kyungsoo room for argument before he's on his feet and headed out of the park.

Our love is gone. There's no sense in holding on....

He knows that it's over. He's known for a while, but he can't bring himself to be the one to end things.

He knows it's stupid, he knows that whilst Yixing loves him, he doesn't love him.

But he's still madly in love with the other man, and he thinks that maybe if they pretend to be in love, that it'll come back to them.

He knows he's kidding himself. But it's better, he thinks, than the alternative.

"I love you" Jongdae whispers as they make love, he knows Yixing's heart isn't in it, but the way that Yixing gasps his name in the heat of the moment makes Jongdae feel like things aren't falling apart between them.

Makes him feel like they're back to a time before he'd introduced his two favourite people to one another and have them tear his heart in two in return.

"Yeah," Yixing says, "yeah, me too" because Jongdae knows that Yixing loves him. And that at the same time, he also doesn't anymore.

Yixing sleeps in his arms that night, and Jongdae has never felt so far away from him.

'Cause your pity now, would be too much to bear...

He hates the looks. Hates them so goddamn much.

The ones from Junmyeon, because it's obvious that his best friend knows he knows, though neither of them are brave enough to just say it.

He hates the looks from Kyungsoo too, and he hates it more because Kyungsoo isn't afraid to say it.

"Why don't you just end things? Save yourself the heartache?" Kyungsoo asks him one day.

Jongdae sighs, "I just can't" he answers, because he doesn't have a better excuse.

"Jongdae..."

"Please don't..." Jongdae whispers. "I already know everything you're going to say, so please just... just don't"

Kyungsoo doesn't say any more about it. But he gives Jongdae those sad, sorrowful looks that make Jongdae want to scream.

He can deal with it though. The looks, the words, everything that Junmyeon and Kyungsoo throw at him.

It's the looks from Yixing that break him. That make him lock himself away in the bathroom and cry for a while before he slaps on a smile again and braves the world.

So I'm gonna be strong... And pretend I don't care...

"I'm going out for a while. I might be late back" Yixing says one Friday night.

Jongdae is sat on the sofa, watching re-runs of ‘Whose line is it anyway’, "anywhere nice?" He asks, but he already knows the answer.

Yixing shrugs, "nah, just off to Junmyeon's for game night..." he pauses, "you're welcome to tag along..."

"No, that's okay" Jongdae grins a blindingly fake grin, "you guys have fun"

Yixing looks at him sadly, "we'll try" he says. Then he swoops down and gives Jongdae a soft kiss on the forehead.

"See you later, Xing"

Yixing smiles slightly, "See you later, Dae"

It’s almost like it’s back to normal, or it would have been if not for the underlying tension in the air.

Yixing leaves then and Jongdae can't focus on the show anymore, so he calls Minseok.

"Drinks?" Is all he says, and Minseok tells him he'll be over in ten minutes.

I'm gonna be strong, and stand as tall as I am!

Drinks with Minseok becomes a regular thing, which turns into just hanging out, which ends up happening more often than not.

"You're... no, there are no words for you" Minseok laughs, and Jongdae joins in.

It feels light. It feels warm. And Jongdae can't remember the last time he felt so free. The last time he laughed. Really laughed, and meant it.

The door opens and Yixing walks in. The laughter stops, but there is the remnants of it on their lips as the Chinese man looks at them both.

"Having fun?" He asks, something unreadable on his face.

Jongdae shifts uncomfortably, as though he's just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, but Minseok grins and throws an arm over Jongdae's shoulders.

"Tons" the chubby cheeked man answers, and if Jongdae didn't know any better, he'd say it almost sounded like a challenge.

Yixing glares slightly, but doesn't comment on the way another man is draped over his boyfriend. It's not as though he has that right anymore.

"Right," he says instead, "well... I'm off to bed, so if you could keep the noise down..." he says before moving over to kiss Jongdae on the lips. "Night. See you in a little while?"

Jongdae nods absentmindedly, confused at the sudden feeling of being wanted, "yeah" he says, "yeah, I'll meet you in there"

Yes, I'm gonna be strong, and let you run along, and take it like a man!

Jongdae almost falls off of his seat when Minseok leans over and kisses him one night when they're hanging out.

"I have a boyfriend!" He exclaims, and frowns when Minseok just looks at him sadly, "what?"

Minseok sighs, "When are you going to stop pretending you don't know?" He asks softly.

"I don't know what you're talking about" Jongdae says, his features becoming hard and distant.

Minseok sighs again, "whatever. But just so you know, when you finally pluck up the courage to stop pretending everything is okay, I'll be here waiting... Because I can't pretend not to feel something for you"

"I have a boyfriend" Jongdae repeats.

Minseok looks at him, dead in the eye, "so does he" he replies before taking a long swig of his beer.

"That wasn't... That was uncalled for" Jongdae sighs, downing the rest of his beer.

"Was it?" Minseok questions, "because everyone knows it's true"

Jongdae lets out a growl of frustration, "Well not all of us are comfortable being a cheating bastard!" He half shouts, and he's so, so glad that Yixing isn't home as he slaps a hand over his mouth.

"How d'you feel?" Minseok asks after a quiet minute or two.

Jongdae laughs self-deprecatingly, "like . Thanks for asking"

The don't mention anything more after that, and the kiss, the admittance, all of it goes on as though it never happened and they continue to hang out as usual.

Minseok has his moments though.

As though he can't help himself.

"Yixing," he says one night when the three of them are hanging out, "don't you think Jongdae's new haircut makes him look super hot?"

Yixing glares, "he always looks hot" he answers tactfully.

"Obviously" Minseok laughs good-naturedly, "but there's just something about how he's looking right now that's down-right delectable..."

"Usually lust after other people's boyfriends, do you?" Yixing snaps, folding his arms defensively.

Minseok smirks, "only when it's appropriate"

"It's never appropriate" Yixing deadpans.

Minseok hums, an amused smile on his lips, "well, aren't you a stickler for not ing people over..."

"What are you getting at?" Yixing hisses.

Minseok shrugs, "nothing. Why, feeling guilty about something? Got something playing on your mind? Need to fess up?" He taunts.

"No" Yixing deadpans, but before he can say any more, before either of them can, Jongdae jumps in.

"Minnie, I think it's best we call it a night" he says softly.

Minseok chuckles, "alright, alright. I'm going" he says, "walk me to the door?"

Jongdae does just that, and they pause at the threshold, "really?" He deadpans.

Minseok chuckles again, "sorry"

"No you're not"

"No," Minseok repeats easily, "I'm not"

Jongdae fights back the laughter that for some reason unbeknown to him is bubbling in his throat, "see you tomorrow?"

"But, of course" Minseok leans in to press a soft kiss to Jongdae's cheek before he goes.

Jongdae feels a little lighter, and then just confused as he returns to the living room to be kissed senseless by Yixing.

When you say it's the end, I'll just hand you a line.
I'll smile and say, don't you worry, I'm fine...

It finally happens two months later. Jongdae had been expecting it. But it doesn't stop it from hurting like a .

"I'm sorry" Yixing says, "I really, really am..."

Jongdae smiles, "I know"

"But you knew, didn't you?" Yixing asks, "You knew all along?"

Jongdae shrugs, "Yeah" he says because he sees no point in denying it at this point.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Yixing asks.

They're sitting on the sofa in the living room, but Yixing's bags are packed and are waiting by the front door.

"Why didn't you?" Jongdae shoots back, looking up at Yixing through his hair before he flicks it out of his face.

Yixing looks back at him sadly, "I didn't want to hurt you..."

"And yet..." Jongdae trails off, because they both know the end of that sentence. The both know how hurt Jongdae is.

"I love you, you know? I really do...." Yixing says after a moment.

"But, you're not in love with me" Jongdae clarifies. "I get it. And it's okay. Sometimes people fall out of love. I know I've been kidding myself this whole time. There's just one thing I don't get..."

Yixing hums, "what?" He asks curiously.

"Why did you..." Jongdae takes a deep breath, "especially when Min was here, why did you act so... with me. Why did you kiss me? , why did you sleep with me still if you were with him?"

Yixing has the decency to look ashamed of himself, "I guess I was jealous. He was treating you how I should have been. And even though... even though I was being the biggest wanker on the planet, I still have feelings for you, Jongdae. They don't just... disappear."

"Did... Did you tell him that you... that we..."

Yixing nods, "yeah. We were very honest about it"

"Must be nice" Jongdae laughs bitterly, "sorry" he adds, though it's clear he doesn't mean it.

"No, I deserve it." Yixing says, "I really am sorry, though. That it went down like this"

"It's okay" Jongdae says even though it isn't, because although Yixing went about it all in the wrong way, he isn't a bad person and Jongdae knows that. He knows that although the cheating was all on the other man, the not saying anything about it was on them both, because they were too selfish to let go of what was. Too busy clinging on to what could have been if they had stayed in that blissful love they once had.

"You always were a terrible liar" Yixing says softly.

Jongdae hums, "well, we all have our flaws" he shrugs.

"I... yeah" Yixing sighs, "I just... I hope after this has all calmed down that we can be friends again. Because I really don't want to lose you from my life, Dae..."

Jongdae purses his lips, taking in Yixing, "maybe" he says in the end, "I just... Not right now. I need... time"

Yixing nods, "Yeah. Yeah, I didn't think you'd want to go get coffee and chat about the weather right off the bat." He smiles slightly, "we have a -ton more awkwardness to build up first. You know, that kind where the air gets all thick with tension before you cuss me out in front of the whole cafe?"

Jongdae laughs despite himself, "yeah, well, I look forward to making everyone gasp and shake their heads at my awful language" he smiles, "but for now... I think it's best if we have a bit of space"

Yixing nods, smiling too, "yeah. Yeah, anything you want" he says.

The 'you're what I want' gets stuck in Jongdae's throat as the two of them move on to a new subject, and then, before long, Junmyeon paps from outside, ready to pick Yixing up.

So they get up from the sofa and walk over to the door, where Yixing's bags are waiting.

But you'll never know, darling, after you kiss me goodbye....
How I break down and cry...

Yixing presses a lingering kiss to Jongdae's lips as they hug, and then he's letting go and walking away.

Jongdae stands in the door way and watches as the car drives off. Neither Yixing or Junmyeon look back, and Jongdae is both broken and glad for it.

As soon as he shuts the front door, he leans back against it and crumples so the floor, all of the pain he's been pretending didn't exist finally hits him and he's reduced to a sobbing mess.

He stays there until Minseok shows up just over an hour later.

As soon as he sees the state of Jongdae, he wraps him in a hug and holds him close until the crying subsides and Jongdae falls asleep against him.

Minseok just sits there, in the hallway, Jongdae's hair soothingly until the younger man wakes up and they move to the living room where Jongdae tells Minseok everything, though Minseok had figured.

"Don't worry, Dae" Minseok says, and for the first time in months, Jongdae feels his heart flutter at the nickname, "I've got you. I've always got you"

Jongdae lets out a shaky breath as he holds Minseok in his arms. They're laying in the sofa, with the TV playing in the background, "I just... I feel so stupid"

"Yeah well. You're in love with him. Love makes even the best of us into crazy little s" Minseok laughs softly, nuzzling into Jongdae's neck.

--

Those words play over and over in Jongdae's head for the next couple of months before a sudden realisation hits him.

"No," he says suddenly one day as he and Minseok are sat in a small milkshake shop, sipping their sweet drinks.

Minseok snorts, "wow, so clear to me what you're talking about"

"Shut up" Jongdae laughs, "remember when Yixing left? And you said to me that it was okay because I was in love with him?"

"Yeah..." Minseok answers unsurely.

Jongdae smiles, "Well I'm not. I wasn't then either. I loved him. But I wasn't in love with him. I was in love with the idea of him. I think I stopped being in love with him the day that I saw him in the park, when I was with Kyungsoo. But I'm a er for familiarity. I think toward the end, my heart was starting to find another place to rest... with you" he says as though it's so... so simple.

"Right, well if that's your way of asking me to be your rebound, you can right off" Minseok laughs.

Jongdae tuts and rolls his eyes, "I'm being serious"

"Right, okay, in that case. Come to me in a month and tell me you still feel that way" Minseok smiles slyly.

"O...kay? Why, what'll happen then?" Jongdae asks.

Minseok smiles, "I'll give you a shot"

Jongdae beams, "deal" he says.

Then they shake on it, so it's sealed before going back to their drinks.

Jongdae is glad, in that moment, that he'd been strong.

He was more glad that he'd had Minseok's strength too.

Fin

A/N: Well, this happened... 
Why did I make my bias the bad guy?!
What is my life?!