Fools

I am tired of this place, I hope people change. I need time to replace what I gave away. And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small. Though I try to resist I still want them all…

“Luhan…” Sehun’s voice is cracked and he can’t hide the desperate brokenness. He suspected that it was coming to this, and when he rounded the corner to see Luhan stood with their manager looking far too serious and far too determined, he knew.

The smile had fallen off of his face in record time as their manager said something to Luhan in a harsh, biting tone, and Luhan had nodded before walking over to Sehun.

It was almost like second nature the way that Sehun’s hand moved up to cup Luhan’s cheek, but Luhan pushed him back, tears threatening his tired eyes as he stepped back from Sehun and fought away Sehun’s concerned touches.

“You need to go, Sehun” Luhan practically begged, “Please, you need to go. He… They found out and they… we can’t. I can’t…”

Sehun shook his head, “No, Luhan, please just listen. We can fix this. It’s fine, we – we can work around it, make it okay. It’ll be okay”

“It won’t be!” Luhan snapped, “It won’t ever be okay, so please, please just leave. Go! Sehun, just go!”

Sehun is speechless, to say the least, as he chokes slightly on the hurt that bubbles up in his throat, but he turns and walks away, unable to fight away the tears that come with each step leading him further away from Luhan.

I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes. I see a little house on a hill and children’s names. I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray. But everything is shattering and it’s my mistake…

Sehun remembers how uncertain they had been, how scared he was when he moved in and kissed Luhan for the first time as they sat on the latter’s bed. The dorm had been empty save for the two of them and they had been sat so close together as they always were, limbs tangled in a mess of comfort and he had just leant in and done it.

And when Luhan had kissed him back it was so sure, their hands fumbled for one another and their lips were frantic for contact, and it was so wonderful and uncertain, but so very sure at the same time.

It had been the most amazing moment of Sehun’s life, and he had looked at Luhan after when they were laying together, skin slick with sweat among other things, and he realised just how much he loved Luhan. Realised how enamoured he was with the other boy.

And Luhan had met his eyes and smiled so easily, like there were no secrets between them and it was as though life couldn’t possibly them up now.

They didn’t have a word for what they were, but they were something more than words. From the moment they had met, it had been something. friendship, admiration… And somewhere down the line Sehun had fallen hopelessly in love with Luhan.

He knew that Luhan loved him back too, or at least, he thought he had known.

Until as they were getting dressed, M-Manager walked in and Sehun was practically thrown out of the room.

He heard the shouting that followed, but the door had been locked, and there was a lot of banging and crashing coming from the room he had been forced out of, until finally the door opened and the manager walked out.

He shot Sehun a disgusted look before moving on, probably for a bottle of whiskey or two.

And then Luhan came out, and he didn’t so much as spare Sehun a glance as he left.

Only fools fall for you, only fools, only fools do what I do, only fools fall. Only fools fall for you, only fools, only fools do what I do, only fools fall…

To say that Sehun had felt so utterly lost and alone would have been an understatement. Luhan wouldn’t even so much as look at him, and it killed him.

The only time he was spoken to, or looked at was when they were in front of the camera, and Sehun knew that it was only for show, but he couldn’t help the way that his heart flipped when Luhan smiled at him, unguarded and real, and he made the most of it.

He made sure to soak up as much of Luhan’s attention and affection as he could, because as soon as that little red light went out, he knew that Luhan would walk away and they wouldn’t speak again until they were forced to.

The others implored about their sudden falling out, but neither of them spoke the truth. It was simply a lie of being tired, of being fine, of just not having time to hang out as often, and the looks that Sehun caught them all sharing behind his and Luhan’s backs were enough for him to know that they didn’t believe a word of what they were spouting.

Sehun didn’t really know what he could have told them anyway, because he wasn’t sure what was wrong himself.

He felt worse still when Kris’s departure came and everyone had bigger things to worry about than his and Luhan’s fall out. But as much as he was upset that Kris had gone, he knew that it had been in Kris’s best interest, and he couldn’t be mad at that.

Or maybe it was just that his head was so full of other things that he didn’t have time to properly register what was happening.

He walked through the empty dorms with a heavy heart, which grew heavier as he paused in the hall as he came face to face with Luhan.

“I…” Luhan started before cutting himself off and looking down at his feet, “It’s not safe, but I need to tell you something”

Sehun paused, there was a lump in his throat, because he knew what was coming. There was only one reason that Luhan would be willingly talking to him. “Don’t say it” he choked out. His eyes found Luhan’s and his fears were confirmed in their sadness.

“I’m leaving” he said anyway, “I… I’m filing a law suit. And I… I don’t want you to find out from someone else”

Sehun’s eyes prickled with unshed tears, “I see” he croaked, “When?”

“My last stage will be next week” Luhan told him, “And then I’m going back to China. I…”

“Don’t” Sehun said again, and then he did what he had been needing to do for so long. He kissed Luhan hard, and with all the pent up emotion that had been trapped in him.

And Luhan kissed him back much the same. As though they both knew that this would be the last time. So when Sehun lead Luhan to his bedroom, he did nothing to stop it from happening.

It felt like hours that they explored one another, whispering quiet words that otherwise would have been left unsaid.

“Did you ever love me?” Sehun asked, and Luhan cried in his arms.

“I did”

“Do you still?”

Luhan shook with sobs as Sehun held him, “I do”

But they both knew it wasn’t enough.

And when Sehun sat down a week later and watched Luhan perform as part of the group for the last time, he felt like a fool.

Oh, our lives don’t collide, I’m aware of this. The difference and impulses and your obsession with, the little things, you like stick, and I like aerosol. I don’t give a , I’m not giving up, I still want it all…

He isn’t really sure how he did it, but he managed to convine Luhan to stay in touch. They each got a spare phone without SM knowing, and only each other have their numbers. So when Luhan leaves and the announcement is made, they still talk.

Yixing was probably as upset as Sehun, but for different reasons, and Sehun took comfort in that. He became closer to Yixing – not that they hadn’t been before – as a knock-on effect of it. And they talked and Sehun broke down and told him everything.

Yixing sat with him and his hair because he got it, he understood it, because he’d been there.

When Sehun saw Junmyeon watch them when they’re together, it hit him, then he understood why Yixing understood it so well.

But it didn’t really make him feel any better. If anything, it made him feel worse.

He and Luhan spoke, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same as having him there, as being able to touch him. And Sehun thought of all the time they lost by avoiding one another and it made him ache to the point that he felt sick.

He hated not seeing Luhan every day.

He hated feeling as he did.

Only fools fall for you, only fools, only fools do what I do, only fools fall. Only fools fall for you, only fools, only fools do what I do, only fools fall…

Sehun didn’t know how to feel when he found out they were to hold a concert in Beijing, but he had a thought that it might have been something akin to hope.

He told Yixing this, and Yixing had smiled at him and told him that really, it was now or never.

So when he asked Luhan if they could meet, and Luhan had agreed, he had felt as though he was dreaming.

He had expected it to be somewhat awkward to see him again after so long, but god he couldn’t have been more wrong.

It was a quiet place where they agreed to meet, and Sehun sat on the stone steps that lead to somewhere that he didn’t know, and then he had felt a hand on his shoulder.

He turned to see Luhan stood there awkwardly looking down at him, he wasn’t smiling, but he didn’t look sad either. Sehun swore that there was hope in his eyes.

And Sehun stood up and after a moment’s hesitation he pulled Luhan into him and they hugged, tight and hard enough to bruise because they didn’t know when they would get another chance like this, and Sehun just wanted to hold him for now, just wanted to know that he was real and that he was there, and Luhan felt much the same.

There was a deliberate cough that brought them apart, and Sehun over to see a fairly bemused girl standing and looking at Luhan incredulously.

“Wait here” Luhan pleaded, moving over to her.

Sehun couldn’t hear what was said, but the girl didn’t look impressed as he grabbed Luhan harshly by the arm and lead him away.

Luhan looked back at Sehun as he was dragged off, a million emotions flickering over his face, and then Sehun was alone again.

And as empty as ever.

I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes. I see a little house on a hill and children’s names. I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray. But everything is shattering and it’s my mistake…

“It gets easier” Yixing told him as they sat side by side on the plane back to Korea. “It never stops hurting, but it gets easier”

Sehun nodded numbly, “Is this how you feel when you look at Junmyeon?” he asked.

“Yeah. But the worse part is having him so close and not being able to touch him like I want to” Yixing replied quietly. “But I don’t want to see him hurt because we couldn’t stop ourselves. Maybe one day it can be, but right now… There are things that we can’t fight unless we want to lose”

Sehun paused thoughtfully, “Why don’t you leave?” he asked, “Wouldn’t it be easier?”

“Maybe…” Yixing said, “Maybe I’m just a er for pain” he laughed without humour, “Luhan and I… We have different ways of coping. He was being run into the ground and then he had the added stress of not being able to come near you. SM are shipping me off to China most of the time to do my solo things which keeps me away from Junmyeon. I stay, I don’t see him as much as I’d like. I go, I lose everything I’ve worked so hard to keep. I lose you all, my second family... It’s a lose-lose situation for me, Sehunnie. I’m just choosing the lesser of two evils.”

“I think we’re all just fools in this”

“Me too”

Only fools fall for you, only fools fall, only fools do what I do, only fools fall. Only fools fall for you, only fools fall, only fools do what I do, only fools fall. Only fools fall for you, only fools, only fools do what I do, only fools. Only fools fall for you, only fools, only fools do what I do, only fools fall…

A/N: Heh... So I've fallen a little 
bit in love with Troye Sivan's music
lately... Sorry that it lead to HH angst... >//<