Chapter Forty Five

"....so tell me a word that starts with the letter T."

How do we start over?

I try my best to bring myself, our story, back to square one. Everytime. But I only fail up miserably. Miserably, for I do not know whom to feel sorry for - for me or for him. Again, miserably, for I do not know where to begin, because I have to be honest with you: I still am uncertain how it all started. However, I do remember two things: It started. It happened.

Maybe, I couldn't drag myself to the beginning because I sank further, deeper, and helplessly, and now, I simply couldn't get out. Or perhaps, after running round and round endlessly, I had forgotten the starting mark. Possibly, there could also not have been a starting mark in the first place, like a circle with no beginning and no end.

But I ask myself again, what is so important in beginnings that we have to remember and recall over and over again? Some would say that the beginning is not as important as the end, or better yet, the journey made itself. Beginnings remind us of how things should be. I did believe those, that the journey and the end are the significant ones. However, in my case, though I was still unaware of the beginning itself, I did believe that there was one in our story. 

A beginning that I kept holding onto.

You see, I was used to spending four consecutive years of my life in an environment that was mainly run by voices and words. Clamorous and restless. 

Then, everything went silent for a while. 

Silence. Silence before my heart began beating rigorously, faster and louder. 

It was not only the absence of sound that made our non-existent beginning memorable for me. There was something much more.

Simplicity.

Simplicity where everything seemed to be. Where everything was what they ought to be, and where they ought to be. Where simplicity was at its most unembellished form. Where everything could be easily understood and predicted. 

So tell me, how do we start over when everything had gone from too simple to too complicated?
Especially that things had turned out quite different than what was originally planned?

How do we start over again?
When only a month had passed for resting and healing, or maybe, just maybe... 

One month is enough. 

"...but you still have to give me a word that both starts and ends with the letter T."

What is the probability that I will be able to think of a word that starts and ends with the same letter? As if asking myself what is the possibility that the beginning will be the same as the ending? 

No, that would be too ambitious. 

To make it simpler...an association of letters that would have an ending with a manner like that of the beginning.

In our story...an ending as innocent as the beginning.

Winters in Seoul could have temperature points dropping below zero especially at night. However, this would not stop people from staying and strolling on the busy streets of the city, now that the Christmas holiday was fast approaching. Particularly, rushing gifts, some window shopping, and mostly sight-seeing. All it took for them to endure the cold weather and to stay warm outside was to wear well-insulated winter clothings. However, this was not the case with students who were still finishing their exam week just so they could just get by school and spend some vacation that they deserved, especially students like us, graduating, senior high school students.

But...

Why was I taking a saunter in the middle of the park in front of the school, at almost eight in the evening, wearing a black scarf and a waterproof winter jacket on top of my school uniform, eating a cone of chocolate ice cream, walking side by side with this guy with the usual styled black hair, serious facade and dark brown eyes? Playing this so-called mind-boggling word game between us for almost one month now?

"Come on, Girfield." Kyungsoo's voice resonated softly in my ears, followed by a couple of small laughter, before taking a small bite of the vanilla ice cream in his hand. “I’m waiting.”

"Can I just say that we call technical fouls playing this game when a nickname is uttered?" I subtly smiled as I stopped on our path, partially crossing my arms in front of my chest, so as to be careful not to ruin my clothing with the ice cream I was holding.

Kyungsoo, being ahead of me by a couple of steps, turned around in position to face me, taking a step towards me. A small closed smile graced his lips as if to tease me before speaking. "You know the rules," he laughed shortly, with his deep, clear voice gently rippling through the silent demeanor of the park. "Well, if you weren't stuck at letter F earlier, you could have skipped the penalty, and you told me that nickname as penalty."

I gave a small sigh, with a smile itself lingering on my lips as I looked at the ground for a short moment. Kyungsoo glanced at me, still smiling, before turning around again to continue on our path. This boy is too smart for me to handle. However, as if a realization hit me, I lifted up my head and caught up with him, with only three or four steps to scurry before I reached his right side once again.

Even before I could mutter a statement, Kyungsoo spoke, as if reminding me, with a hint of playfulness in his tone, as he stared at the track ahead of us while we proceeded taking a stroll. He placed his free hand inside the pocket of his jacket. “Besides, you still owe me that word starting and ending with the same letter, Myunjae. And I chose letter T.”

“No, Kyungsoo. You have to give me your word first." I countered after I took a bite of my chocolate ice cream, mocking him. "And why are you always stuck with the letter T?”

“No, you go give me your word first,” Kyungsoo prompted me, still walking and facing the cemented ground of the path.
“I’m not giving mine, Kyungsoo. You go first.” I challenged him as I shook my head to my sides shortly.
“No. Ladies first.” Kyungsoo looked at me and flashed me a closed smile. “Or else, you’ll be penalized again with another fact about yourself.”

No way. I’m not gonna let him get to me. I started counting. “Five.”

The moment I spoke the syllable, Kyungsoo also began counting. 

Now, we were counting against each other, as if seeing which one of us would give up first in this word game of ours.

“Four.”
“Four.”
“Three.”
“Three.”

I stopped counting as I halted in my spot and faced Kyungsoo, with a smile unfurling on my lips. As if noticing I was standing still on my spot, Kyungsoo also did the same as the corner of his closed lips gently turned up. “Kyungsoo, it’s your turn. So you go first.”

Kyungsoo looked at the cemented pathway of the park beneath our feet for a moment. He took a deep sigh, as if to signal that he had given up with the pressuring counting we were doing against each other. He softly hummed to himself, seemingly thinking of a word. Any word.

I began counting again to . “Five. Four…”

“Myunjae, wait. Don’t rush me-”
“Three...”
“Wait. Wait.”
“Two…”
“One more second.”
“One. Strike.” I smiled before I savoured a bit of the delicacy in my hand.

Kyungsoo looked up at the sky, slightly sighing as he smiled. He faced me as he gave a small laugh. “Okay. Okay. So I get a penalty.”

“Yes. You will.” I cheerfully spoke to him as I redirected my gaze from the cemented pathway to the grassy lawn of the park, partially covered with white snow that might have fallen hours ago.

I heard Kyungsoo stifle a modest laughter to himself before he caught up to me, reaching my pace, as he walked at my left side once again.

I mocked him once more, slightly dragging dirt and snow with a foot as we continued trudging on the grass. “There are many words starting with the letter T, Kyungsoo. Like um…”

“Like what, Myunjae?” Kyungsoo teasingly scorned at me, seemingly noticing that I had a hard time coming up with the word. 

But no, actually I have many words starting with the letter T on my mind now. I’m just messing with his mind.

“Like um…like the word ‘tablet’.” I continued with my voice slightly increasing in intonation.

“Sounds very you.” Kyungsoo nodded as he gazed at me, then back at the grass beneath our feet as we maintained our normal walking pace. We were heading towards the long wooden bench, just in front of the huge marble statue gracing the middlemost part of the park. He smiled. “But I need a word that sounds like me.”

I chuckled shortly to myself before I turned my head to his side once more. To mock him once again. “That’s so basic. In fact I can give you three words starting with the letter T…that sound very very very you.”

Kyungsoo stifled a small laughter once again as he continued glancing at the bench that we were approaching. His laughter relented and he didn’t speak a word, as if to signal that he was waiting for me to utter the words that I was bragging about.

“Taekwondo. Tuesday. Twilight.”

However, as I realized what I blurted out, I almost clapped but abruptly stopped as I noticed that I still had my ice cream cone in hand. It is just a good thing that it is winter. It’s like the ice cream cones, including our bodies, are being preserved inside an extremely huge freezer. 

“Oh, would you look at that. I just hit two birds with one stone.” I settled myself on the wooden bench, with Kyungsoo sitting on my left at a distance, still listening and observing my ecstatic expression as he relished another small bite of the ice cream. “I just gave a word starting and ending with the letter T. Twilight.”

“So,” A corner of Kyungsoo’s lips turned up, as if out of amusement. “Those are the words starting with the letter T that you’ve been thinking of ?”

Another realization hit me. Oh crap. He’s right. He’s asking for a word associated to him anyway, so is it really my fault? I just helped him out here.

I stuttered for a moment before looking at him, who still had his gaze plastered on me on his right. His body was slightly leaning forward on his seat and with his forearms settled on his thighs, a hand still holding the frozen dairy treat. And I think I’m unconsciously speaking fastly again. “We-well…I ju…just remembered that you are a Taekwondo player. You also go home late on Tuesdays because of heavy athletic training sessions. And you read Twilight.”

“Wow,” Kyungsoo stared at me blankly, as if baffled and slightly shocked. Yet to tease me as well. “That was quick and smooth, Myunjae. And how did you know I read Twilight? I mean I only read the book once. But how did you know?” He slightly tilted his head to his side as he looked at the ground, as if to mock me again.

Uh oh. I’m busted. But really, it’s so ‘long ago’. “Uh…I.” I should really get my brain to think properly now. “Le-let’s just say I had my sources.”

There was silence..for a short moment.

The next thing I heard was Kyungsoo’s gentle laugh echoing through our vicinty. His laughter receded right after, but with still a small smile lingering on his lips. He leaned his back on the backrest of the wooden bench, comfortably settling himself.

He spoke, taunting me yet again, with a question that he seemingly already knew the answer to. “I wonder. Who would that be?”

I felt my face getting flushed red out of embarrassment as I looked at the grassy lawn in front of us. Now he knows what I used to do before. Aish.

“But wait,” I was reminded all of a sudden as I bolted up my spine, still seated on the bench, eyeing Kyungsoo beside me. He just looked at me questioningly . “You’re avoiding your penalty, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo smiled to himself once again. “Okay. You got me, Myunjae.”

I softly laughed shortly in victory as I shifted in my spot, slightly facing my body towards Kyungsoo to focus on what he was about to say. I brought the frozen delicacy in hand to my lips, like popcorn in a movie theater. “Penalty time. Now tell me another fact about yourself.”

Kyungsoo faked a sigh of defeat before responding. “So here it goes.”

He recommenced speaking. “I was a transferee from Itaewon High at the first year of senior high school. So there. That makes me a former Gray Wolf.”
I nodded to myself, pursing my lips. “Gray Wolf. I might have noticed that.” 

I knew that already. I mean, it was number ten on my ‘Kyungsoo Fact Alerts’. But I really can’t crush his pride right now. Also, it’s not really suitable for him to know that I had those so-called Kyungsoo Fact Alerts. Really awkward.

“I think I saw them coming out of your room when I visited you at that time you were confined in the hospital. Actually,  I recognized two or three of them playing for their soccer team during that time at the cup finals.”

Kyungsoo stifled a small laugh to himself once more.

“What?” I asked him, all curious to what he was laughing about.

“Nothing.” He muttered as he gazed at the snowy grass in front of us. “It’s funny how you can remember that tiny detail.”

We sat in silence as we continued savouring the cold treat in our hands, still seated at a distance from Kyungsoo on the wooden bench in the middle of the park. I had to admit that I was already slightly freezing. However, I had not really experienced eating ice creams at winter nights like this. Particularly, in the middle of this tranquil, calming environment, watching the trees at the far sides of the park decorated with christmas lights of colors blue and white. I had to say, I'm liking it.

“The silence is deafening, Myunjae.” Kyungsoo sternly expressed without glancing at me out of the blue. “You know what we should do?”

I faced him after realizing he turned his gaze to me. I slightly furrowed my eyebrows, figuring out his question. 

Without any warning beforehand, Kyungsoo directed his ice cream cone to the collar part of my waterproof winter jacket.

“Kyungsoo, what-” I stood up, staring at the part of my jacket now smeared with ice cream. 

“Don’t worry. It’s vanilla. And with that fabric, you can just wipe it off.” Kyungsoo seriously uttered, with a smile taking over his lips afterwards.

“Kyungsoo.” I looked at him in disbelief. Kyungsoo continued teasing me with a small laugh, still glued to his seat on the bench, gazing up at me.

I reached for a handkerchief in my pocket. Because I learned to bring one with me nowadays.

Just in case.
Just in case.

Before I could completely slide my hands inside my right skirt pocket, I felt my wrist being lightly grasped in front of me all of a sudden, as if to prevent it from moving any further.

Kyungsoo stood up from his seat, with his fingers still delicately encircled around my wrist. He positioned himself infront of me, about a forearm length away.

“Myunjae..." His smile slowly vanquished as he searched my eyes, glancing down at me from his relatively taller frae. .

“…is it possible if we could start over again?" 

Still clueless of what he was doing, I just observed him. 

Kyungsoo released my wrist. He took a couple of steps backward. He then bowed at me. 

He looked at his side for a moment as he slid his hand inside the pocket of pants. He got a handkerchief.

Handkerchief.
A third one.

The third handkerchief.

He faked a cough, as if clearing his throat. He brought his hand in front of him. In front of me. He softly smiled once again before speaking.

“I truly apologize. I messed up your uniform,” he prompted his hand forward, waiting for me to accept the handkerchief.

On reflex, I responded modestly at him. “It's fine. I have my handkerchief.”

The next thing I felt was warmth holding my left hand out. Soft fabric grazed my left palm. 

“Please accept it.” Kyungsoo gently uttered as he glanced at my eyes.
“Kyungsoo…” I looked at the handkerchief on my palm.

I noticed my palm being closed with the same warm hand he used.

“I deeply apologize. Please take it, Miss. I messed up your uniform.”

As if I successfully told myself that I should respond at least, I smiled at Kyungsoo, looking at the handkerchief that I was now holding in my hand. “Kyungsoo, you do know I already have two of your handkerchieves in my possession. You might run out of hanky supplies.”

“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo beamed at me as he released my wrist. “Then you give me one of yours instead.”

We just stared at each other, trying to decode each other’s expression and gesture. Until Kyungsoo faced the ground once more, sighing a smile to himself.

“So where were we?” He seemingly asked himself as he batted a look at me, partially squinting.  “Right. Right…”

“…by the way, I’m Do Kyungsoo.”

He transferred his ice cream cone to his left hand, while he reached his right hand out to me. I just continued glancing at his hand.

I transferred my cone to my left hand and slowly reached my right hand out.

I felt his palm against mine.
Warm palm.
Soft and welcoming.

Even after a couple of gentle, careful shakes onto each other’s hand, Kyungsoo did not retract his gaze away from me, based on what I was noticing, even if I was looking at our pursed palms in front of us.

I smiled up at him. “What?”

He responded in a sure manner. “I think you’re forgetting to introduce yourself, Miss.”

“Oh,” I expressed. “You’re right. Right.” Silly me.

I cleared up my throat once before flashing a smile at him. 

“Hello, Kyungsoo-ssi…"
“…I’m Seo Myunjae.”

He widened his closed smile at me, with his dark brown eyes partially lighting up like an innocent three-year-old receiving cotton candies on a sunny day of summer.

My hand started loosening on his palm. As if he noticed the gesture, Kyungsoo slowly redirected his palm from my hand back to his side. I faked a deep sigh before I placed Kyungsoo’s handkerchief inside my pocket, and went to get my own one from that pocket.

I looked at the smeared part of my black waterproof winter jacket. I prepared to wipe the melted white dairy fluid from it. “Kyungsoo, really. This is unfair-” 

My left hand holding the chocolate ice cream was suddenly held by the wrist. I then felt the frozen treat being aimed towards Kyungsoo’s off-white winter jacket on top of his school uniform.

I gasped.

“Kyungsoo!” I stared at the viscous, dark brown dairy treat smudged on his used-to-be immaculately clean winter jacket. The fabric is different as well. “What did you do? You’ll have a hard time getting that stain off-”

“Now, we’re fair.” Kyungsoo’s lips turned up on its corners. He suddenly grabbed my own handkerchief from my hand. “And there’s now a reason I should keep this handkerchief.”

“Kyungsoo,” I looked at this childish guy in front of me in disbelief. He just proceeded giving a small laugh to himself with his slightly deep, clear voice.

He placed my handkerchief inside his pocket. ”Oh, and you have three of mine. This means you owe me two of yours.”

I faced the sky, giving a real sigh, and glanced at Kyungsoo once again, particularly my gaze plastered on the stain. “Look at that. I can’t believe you messed up your own jacket.” 

If that’s my jacket and my mom sees it, she’ll erupt like Godzilla as usual.

“But it’s your fault, Myunjae. It’s your ice cream.” He teased me.
“Kyungsoo-”
“So how will you pay for this?”
“It’s your fault. You dirtied your own-”
“So how-”
“Do Kyungsoo-”

I just gave a small sigh of defeat to myself. “Look. I can’t pay for that. Because it’s not my fault.”

Kyungsoo glanced at me, amusement dominant in his gaze.

“But, since it’s Christmas, I think,” I squinted. “I can wash it for you.”
“Really?” Kyungsoo mocked me. “You will?”

“I mean, if it’s fine with you.” I uttered, examining the stain, anxiety slowly taking over my façade. That jacket looks expensive anyway.
“But,” I proceeded, with Kyungsoo pursing his lips as he continued observing me. “I have to know what type of detergent you use. So it feels the same if you wear it again.”

“Actually, I use-”

I cut Kyungsoo in his statement. Time to show off my “detergent skill”. “Don’t tell me. I can guess it.”
Kyungsoo just looked at me in return, as if about to burst into another small laughter. “How?”

“I mean, I can smell it.”
“Smell it?” Kyungsoo’s lips creased to a side once again.
“Yes, I kind…kind of.” I muttered proudly, yet slightly shrugging.

“Go on, then.” Kyungsoo took a couple of steps towards me.

Partially surprised and confused, I took a step back.

“Uh. What?” I stuttered.
“Go on.” Kyungsoo gave me a closed smile, still rooted in his spot.

“Oh. Uh. Okay.” Come to think of it, I was gonna ask permission from him earlier anyway. So, I guess he just made it less embarrassing for me.

I took a step forward, directing my gaze to the unstained, shoulder part of the jacket. I carefully leaned my head forward to take in the scent of the fabric when  Kyungsoo muttered something.

“Myunjae,” he proceeded speaking in a slightly surprised manner. “Don’t move.”

I stayed still in my position, midway of leaning my head forward, glancing my eyes side by side, without moving my head. “What?”
Kyungsoo almost whispered in a hushed tone. “There’s a bug on your foot.”

Oh crap. Not again. My eyes widened the moment Kyungsoo told what the matter was about. 

“Wait. Let me remove that from your foot.” Kyungsoo spoke to relieve me of my stiffened expression as I stayed unmoved from my spot.

With my head still inches away from his shoulder, I waited for Kyungsoo to pick up the bug or shoo it away from my feet. However, Kyungsoo did not move a ligament. With my lateral view once again, I could observe his gaze lingering on the side of my face. I noticed he dropped his ice cream cone, the frozen treat mingling with the snowy grass beside his spot. 

He slowly lifted both of his arms…

...bringing them around my upper body.

I felt warmth tenderly engulfing me in the midst of coldness.

“Is it okay…” His stern voice resonated, “…if I hold you like this? Even just for tonight?”

“Kyungsoo…” I didn’t move, nor back off.

For I know that if I move, he’ll be hurt.
He’ll feel hurt.

“It’s okay, Myunjae.” Kyungsoo softly spoke in a stern manner. “…you don’t have to do the same. And you don’t have to worry about my injury…”

He continued. “…But I just wish we can get stuck in the moment like this for a longer time.”

I knew it was painful. The doctors told him to limit the use of his upper extremities due to rib injury, as what he told me before. 
However, I had seen him do so. Not once. But too many times.

He had not completely healed yet. For it will take weeks. And probably months.

I had seen him do so. And I had witnessed how painful it was for him albeit the painkillers he was taking. But he always knew how to hold it back.

Hold it back and hide the fact the he’s hurting.

I realized Kyungsoo tightening his embrace on me. However, I still did not move. 

If I move away, he’ll feel hurt.
If I move forward, he’ll feel hurt.

The more he tightened his arms around me, his urge to grunt in pain seemed to increase by the moment. However, as if it