004: SHE IS…

~~~~~

The ride home felt longer than expected. Maybe it’s because I was reminiscing, thinking of the ‘Good old days’; The feeling of his warm hands against mine, stubbornly holding them as long as he could. I miss the childish smile as he looks deep in my eyes, as if I was baring y soul to him. I don’t want to admit it but I miss everything about him and I do regret the decision I made.

Always… There was never a moment where he left my mind even though I tried to.

I was supposed to be dead, burned to ashes, together with the only family I had left.

I was supposed to be on that plane 6 years ago.

I am Lee Ji Eun. No. I was her, but it was a stolen identity.

Lee Hae Jin…no…Ji Eun or whatever my name is, was to die on that day. Only, if it wasn’t for another lie my parents have made. 

My real name is Lee Haejin, not Lee Ji Eun. Ji Eun was my sister’s name and she isn’t my imagination. In fact, the reason I was able to adapt to her identity was because she is my identical twin. A twin whom I thought died in a suicide attempt. I really believed she did took her life because I saw it with my own eyes. And like her, I tried to take my own life because of one simple reason: LOYALTY. My loyalty to my sister comes first even before my parents.

It all happened when I was 14 years old. Life was simpler back then. Me and my sister were inseparable.

We were happy or so I thought we were. One day, it all changed.

“Let’s die together”, Jie Eun casually said when we were walking home from school.

The way she said those words sound like she was joking, but I knew better. Despite the playful tone on her voice, she was serious about it.

I took her hand with a blank expression on my face, not looking at her face. She understood that I had no objections. I agreed.

We were welcomed by our unsuspecting parents. They didn’t know they were about to lose their daughters.

A few days after my sister said those words, it was time. No one suspected that we were about to take our own lives.

Everything was planned my sister while I waited for what will happen. Just as the bell rang for the end of our classes, we took our time fixing our things. She still had a cheerful expression on her face as she bid goodbye to her friends. Meanwhile, I was looking at her in wondering how could she still have a smile on her face when in less than an hour, we die.  

The wind felt different that day, it felt wonderful yet very cold. I think I was having second thoughts about what we were about to do but I remained quiet. She took my hand and rode on a bus heading towards a beach. The ride took an hour and during the bus ride, my sister’s hand didn’t leave mine. Once we arrived at our destination, she led me towards the cold water. It was November that time which meant no one in the right mind would come to the beach in the cold weather. I never bothered warming myself but I tried keeping her warm. It was the only logical thing to do since I could see her teeth chattering from the cold. She gave me a smile and hugged me one last time.

We removed our shoes and slowly dipped our feet into the cold water. Our hands were still holding each others. I gave her one smile with a thought it would be the last thing she would see. She gripped my hand tighter and burst into tears. Then, she asked me. "Why aren't you asking?"

“Because, I trust you.”

And then, we walked continuously until our whole body was submerged into the water. That time, I really thought it was the end.

For some reason, I didn't die. When I regained consciousness, I realized I was in the hospital. I was in the psychiatric ward because of the stunt I pulled. They even had a surveillance camera in the room in case the residing patients do crazy. My parents were home when I woke up and was informed by the doctors. My mom was in tears when she rushed by my side while my dad hung his head low so that I couldn’t see the tears he was shedding. He thought I didn’t see but I did.

“Where’s Eun?” That was the first thing I asked.

Mom and Dad couldn’t look at me. They couldn’t answer my question and it slowly sunk in.

I survived but she didn’t.

Tears started to fall. My parents couldn’t do anything except leave me alone. Even the doctors advised it. I cried for as long as I could remember. 2 days. 4 days. I wasn’t sure how long I cried whenever I my thoughts would linger around her memory. Also, during those days, I didn’t each much so they had me on dextrose.  

Eventually, I stopped crying. I just stopped without warning, as if I didn’t cry at all. And then, I forgot having any sister at all. My memories no longer bore any traces of her and instead I took over her identity. My parents even the doctor-in-charge were surprised. The doctors thought my condition would just be temporary but months had passed and I was still the same. Soon, my loving parents accepted the fact that I may never go back as Hae jin and remain as Ji Eun for a long time.

By the time, I got discharged from the hospital, we were set to move to a new place. My parents never mentioned anything about having a sister nor my name being Haejin  not Ji Eun. They erased any signs of her being part of our lives and continued with our lives without hers.

Her life became mine that I got caught up in the lie and eventually forgot about the real me. I became her.

Hae jin vanished from then on until I stumbled on an old picture hidden somewhere deep at the attic of our house. I was already a trainee at SME that time and Minho and I have been together for some time. I asked my parents about the photograph I found and they could no longer hide it from me. And I thought there were no more secrets left hidden from me. When I found out what happened to me, I was mad at my parents for not telling it to me sooner but later I realized I wasn’t the only one suffering. They wanted to tell me, but how could they? When in fact, I Since then, I began to regain my memories of who I was and my sister.

It took me awhile to remember most about me and her. I discovered why my beloved sister decided to kill herself when I saw the diary she kept most of her life hidden among the books we shared. She was impregnated by some random guy after having a party at one of her friends house. She couldn't bring shame to our household and feared that once my parents knew about this, they would disown her. I pity her when I knew about it. She dragged me along with her because she didn't want to be alone even on the verge of death. She was afraid to die alone and be forgotten. This secret remained undisclosed from my parents. I didn’t want my parents to suffer any more with the discovery about the reason of her death. They have suffered enough when they lost her while I deluded myself as Ji Eun, her only sister.

Even when I regained my memories, I continued using her name. They never told me that she also survived the suicide attempt but it cost her the life of her unborn child. Her existence would never have been known until she came to me. She showed up on the day I was set to leave for Japan.

~~~

I was supposed to be on the plane already but I decided to have one last look at my home country. That was when a female’s voice called out my name. My real name. I quickly turned my body to the direction where the voice came from. Then, I saw someone who was supposed to be dead 3 years ago.

I thought she died years ago. Our parents told so.

It was Ji Eun. My twin sister.

From the moment I set my eyes on her, I already knew I couldn’t be dreaming. Lee Ji Eun was alive. She looked the same as she was before, only a little older and matured in the way she dressed.

She told me what really happened that day. A man passing by the beach saw us drowning and rescued us. We survived the suicide attempt but my parents didn’t tolerate the stunt my sister with me, so they placed us in separate rooms on the same hospital. While we were both recuperating, our parents decided to let go one of us in fear of losing both and sending Ji Eun away was the choice they made. The whole time when I was in the hospital and was able to roam around the place, she was sent to a rehabilitation center outside Seoul where she had numerous counselling sessions in order to help her cope through the attempt we made. My sister was the one they sent away because she confessed that she brought me along with her that day. She was the reason why my parents almost lost both their daughters. After a few months, she was released and was sent to a boarding school far away from Seoul and was sent monthly allowances to sustain for her needs.

After she told me all this, she gave me a moment to process everything she just revealed to me. I couldn’t understand why my parents would go to such an extent of lying straight to myself hoping my sister would forever disappear in my life.

There was no reason not to believe everything that she just told me. She made perfect sense. Now, I know why her death wasn’t registered and why there wasn’t any service made for her when she passed away.

“What now?” I looked at her. As of the moment, I don’t know what to do. Should I feel hate for our father and mother? Pretend my sister never appeared in front of me? What should I do? Everything about my family is not making sense.

“Hae Jin. I have a favour to ask.” She said to me. “Can I go instead with mom and dad?”

I don’t know what to answer. There’s a reason why I wanted to get away from this place once and for all. I need to leave so that the pain I just inflicted not only to myself but also to him would heal and never to be opened up again. The pain would only remain as a scar, a reminder of what we had and what we shared. 

"Attention Passengers, the flight to Japan will take off in just a few minutes." A voice spoke from the speaker.

I have to decide.

~~~

I reached out for my pocket and dialled my mother’s number.

I suddenly felt queasy.

"Deep breaths" I said to myself, thinking it would help take off the odd feeling. Unfortunately, it didn't.

"Ji Eun? No, I mean Hae Jin, are you okay" My mother asked in concern. She always seem to know whenever I'm not feeling okay.It still though that she always call me Ji Eun. Maybe she was just used to it. Even my father does. “Why are you calling? Aren’t you here inside the plane with us?”

“I’m not on the plane…Mom”

“Huh? Why? The plane is gonna take off in just a few minutes.”

“I’m not really sure mom. It just doesn’t feel right at the moment.” I sighed. “I think I need to breathe for a minute. Maybe spend another day or two, here. And I want to say goodbye at least to my friends in school before leaving” Honestly, it was just an excuse.

"We shouldn't force you to come with us. Your father and I know that you have someone important here in Korea"

"Mom!"I whined. "Honestly, your advice right now just didn't sound like a parent would say to her child. I'm seventeen!remember?"

Of all the things my parents were so supportive about was my love life. Sometimes, I wonder if they are really my parents because I have never met any parent who would approve of a relationship at such a young age.

"Would you be happy if you leave him just like that?" My father suddenly spoke. My mother must have put the phone on loudspeaker.

"It's just a fling. I will move on and so will he." I reasoned out. And somehow even I didn't believe it.

"If he's just a fling dear, then why do I hear his name whenever you go to sleep. He always makes your day. You constantly worry about him when he's away and your face never fails to flush when you hear his voice. Is that what you call a fling?" It was the first time I realized that my mom really did pay attention my relationship. She held my hand as a sign she understood how I feel. “With him darling, you have become matured. He is the only one you have opened your heart to. No one was able to do that. Not even us, your parents.”

"It's the same feeling I feel for your dad Hae Jin", I could imagine my mom smiling to my dad when she was telling me these words.

"You two complement each other, even I cannot deny that." Even my father agrees.

"We're not gonna work out anyway" I tried to reason out. Arguing with the logical or rational reasoning I have left. But I could help to recognize the fact."But..."

"You want to stay" my overly caring mom finished for me.

My silence meant agreement.

"You're gonna try to work things out with him?" My overly caring mother asked.

"I will"

"I suggest you better go now before your mother and I change our minds" It was my father who spoke.

I smiled at my father’s encouragement. It was a rare moment for him to be openly supportive about love-relationships.

Slowly, I was beginning to feel that maybe there’s a possibility for a bright future for me and him together. But before that, there was something that was needed to be done. Make my family whole again.

“Mom? Dad?”

“Is there anything else, darling?” Mom asked.

“I want our family to be whole again…”

“What are you saying?”

“What I mean is… ” Here it goes. “I want Ji Eun back to our family. I know the truth.”

“How?” By the tone of my mother’s voice, she was shocked.

“There’s no time to explain. She’s gonna be there any minute and it’s time for the plane to take off” I said as I saw the gate towards the plane I was about to ride on a few minutes ago close. “I really wish that you and dad could forgive her. I really want us to be whole again.”

“I’m sorry we hid it from you. I was so afraid that I might lose both of you when I found out she asked you to come with her. The thought of losing both my children was too much to bear.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry too giving you a hard time. I had let you live in guilt when I took her name.”

“We know you didn’t mean to.”

“I love you both.”

“We love you too, darling”

I closed my phone and shoved it into my pocket as I ran to call for a cab. A smile formed on my lips when the thought of my family whole again crossed my mind.

Maybe, not far from that day, I will be truly happy together with the ones I love.

~~~

I thought that time fate has given me a chance to take back the mistake I just committed. In the end, it was all a misunderstanding. There was no way to take back what I did. Fate just couldn’t let it be.

My mother, father, together with my long lost sister who I thought was already dead were taken away from within a moment. The happy thought of a complete family was lost forever.

It was all because of an unfortunate news I heard from the radio.

“Breaking news. Just a few minutes after a plane from Korea going to Japan has crashed a few miles outside the country.”

The world went into a halt. It felt like a dream. A nightmare.

“-Although there are confirmed reports of the cause of the plane crash but it is said that it may be due to an engine failure. Authorities are now in the scene, trying to search for survivors and controlling the situation in the best way they can.-”

The line from the airport was pretty busy when I called. My hands were trembling from disbelief as I waited for anyone from the airport to answer my call.

After a few more tries, I got connected only to confirm what I just heard from the news.

In a blink of an eye, there’s no one to turn to. My mother who cherished me just like my father who guided me all these years, and not to forget my long lost sister who had just reunited with my family in hopes of happiness with us, all gone and there was nothing I could do.

And not to forget the sole reason I backed out from my decision. MINHO. The boy I fell in love with lost me. I was dead. I know he knows I was in the flight. His manager would have told him and the rest of the boys.

Fate has spoken. There can never me and him anymore. Lee Ji Eun, the girl he fell in love with, is no more. Pushing myself further would be no use. No matter how hard we tried to hold on to each other, fate seems to be stopping us from doing so.