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--Haejin--

 

JYP building looked like it was haunted by ghost on the upper floors. My footsteps echoed across the hallways.

 

No one took notice of my presence and it sent a calming feeling.

 

In this place, I was safe. I’m not a liar. I am just me.

 

At the end of the hallway, the spare studio was vacant. Excellent, I thought.

 

Having time for me was rare nowadays. There were always things to do even if the company had given me rest.

 

Honestly, there was never true rest in this place.

 

My shoes squeaked in the studio’s floor, making my heart beat in excitement. Dance studios had always brought back memories from my trainee days when the world I lived in wasn’t complicated.

 

My hands blindly searched for the switch and lighted the darkened studio.

 

A grin grew on my lips and I took out my phone from my pocket and attached it to the room’s sound system.

 

I scrolled down the list of songs in my phone and chose an old song from the same era where I was still a trainee.

 

Into the new world by girl’s generation blasted through the speakers. For a second, I shook my head at considering such as song. When I was a trainee, I wasn’t really into girl group dances for I had my insecurities.

 

Years have passed and it’s different.

 

My mind tried to remember the steps to the song, Even though it was a girl group dance, the choreography was challenging because of the different twists and turns and also flexibility for some parts.

 

I tried my best to move in sync with the song. My memory wasn’t as great as I thought it would be since there were a lot of blanks in them. Clumsy movements were reflected on the mirror in front of me and I laughed at myself.

 

I laughed and laughed until my vision was blocked with tears.

 

It didn’t take long before I fell on my knees and sobbed hard. The reflection I have showed how much I haven’t really changed. Emotions still lead my actions especially tonight.

 

This night might be the last time I’ll be able to step inside this studio. Tomorrow could be the last day I’ll be able to smile to those who have loved and supported me in my dream.

 

I need to do it. I need to do the right thing.

 

Key and Taemin were right for saying that I’m running again just like what I did to Minho. I told so many people that I’m not but I know myself and there was no denying that I’m really running; not from my dreams but for the person I cherished more than my dream.

 

I’m stupid. Yes… I’m stupid when it comes to love. I’m afraid that if I fight I would still lose. Fear always stop me and I let fear win instead of fighting for what I want.

 

It has become a habit, I guess. A lame excuse but the only reason I have.

 

 

For a fact, I knew that my decision to reveal the truth would ensure a big issue to both companies. Sooman might decide to drop me and sue with everything. I would have no chance on surviving when that happens. There wasn’t much in my bank account and with everything that dream entertainment has done for me, I would be left penniless and buried with debt that would have me working for the next ten years just to pay them. That scares me and yet I wanted to set things right.

 

After seeing the damage I was doing to the last person I wanted to be spared of the pain and the emotional pain I was inflicting on myself, I was done with the lies. I’m tired of all of it.

 

I wanted to be free.

 

I want to smile at the people I care about without always wondering if when they’ll find out the truth about me.

 

No more of that.

 

Time for change.

 

I wrapped my arms around myself until the tears stopped. I pulled my knees close to my chest and rested my head on them, not wanting to see how much of a mess I looked like.

 

My body was exhausted and for a moment, I was lost in myself and fell asleep until my phone rang. My ringtone was amplified multiple times due to the speakers and I winced. The sudden loud shrill ring definitely snapped me out of my sleepy daze.

 

I pushed my body to move across the room to reach for my phone that was located by the speakers. The phone screen flashed with Nichkhun sunbae’s name.

 

My fingers put the phone on loudspeaker at the same time I pulled the jack of the speaker off. Nichkhun’s cheery voice welcomed me.

 

“Haejin! The guys are wondering where my girlfriend is.”

 

His words had me chuckling, lifting my mood a bit. It almost slipped my mind that even the members thought that they’re dating.

 

From the background, I could hear the other 2pm members talking but it was hard to decipher what they were talking about. They were too far to understand.

 

“I’m currently at the company studio. Unwinding…” I replied to my ‘fake’ boyfriend assuring him that I was in a safe place.  Even though we’re in a charade of a relationship, Nichkhun was still a close friend. There was CC, my other friend but with 2pm’s schedule, it had been impossible to have time to meet. It had always been her boyfriend that was always there.

 

I didn’t notice that I made a mistake in choosing my words. Apparently, my words had Nichkhun sense that there was something wrong.

 

Whenever I come alone in a studio in the middle of the night, I was having troubles.

 

He was the only one who noticed that.

 

“What happened?” He asked.  I could hear him moving away from the noise to somewhere quiet. There were loud protest but he seemed to ignore them,

 

I mentally slapped myself and leaned on a wall. “Nothing.”

 

“Haejin…”He sighed on the phone, telling me that he knew me well.

 

I sighed back and shrugged.“I couldn’t really hide things from you sunbae.”During times like these had me wishing I should have moved on and have fallen in love with a guy like him. It was unfortunate that my stubborn heart wouldn’t listen to me. It seemed to have a mind of its own and I was growing to hate it.

 

“Then tell me what’s bothering you.”He urged gently.

 

Like always, I told him of my plans of telling the bosses the truth about me. He listened intently throughout and waited until I was finished before he spoke up.

 

“Don’t do it Haejin.”Nichkhun told me. “That’s career suicide. You told me that being an idol was your dream. You’ve barely scratched the surface. Are you telling me that you’re going to give it all up?

 

“I know you lied about your name and a bit about your background, but the rest is still you. You’re still you no matter what name you take. You’re the one with the voice and the moves. A name doesn’t personify the person. It’s the person that makes an identity for the name.

 

“You’re still you.”

 

Everything he said made sense.

 

You’re right.” I conceded. “A name doesn’t make a person. I am the one who makes an identity for me and that’s why I’m doing this”

 

“It’s also because of Minho.”He guessed,

 

“He’s part of the reason.” I confessed. Minho’s a part of my life that I needed to fix.

 

I wanted to make things right.

 

For me.

 

And for him.

 

“Please think about this some more. You’re rushing things.” My friend pleaded.

 

I shook my head even though he couldn’t see me. “It’s been nice working with you Nichkhun sunbae. I really had such a wonderful time with you and the rest of JYP artists. If things don’t work out great, I’m just happy to have known you.”

 

He wanted to talk me out of my plans but I ended the call before he could.

 

My phone rang again. It was him again and I purposely ignored it. There was nothing he could do anymore. Nothing could change my mind.

 

 

 

The following morning went as usual. Alex came by my unit early, forcing my eyes open and nagging me to get up. He pulled the covers off my bed and brought it with him to the living room.

 

It made me smile. Normally, I would grumble but today was different. My time with my manager was special and I was seeing it now.

 

When I didn’t move fast enough for my manager’s liking, he came back and saw the smile on my face.

 

Alex stopped nagging and his eyebrows quirked slightly. “Are you awake or still dreaming? This is the first time I’ve seen you smile when I’m forcing you to wake so early in the morning.”

 

Somehow his words made my smile grew bigger. I shook my head and stretched my arms upward. “I just had a good dream.” It was a lame excuse in which had him shaking his head like I was crazy.

 

“Just get dressed. We have a lot to accomplish before lunch.” he said while leaving the room.

 

I gave him a teasing salute and grabbed some clothes in my dresser.

 

Thirty minutes later, we head out for my first schedule of the day.

 

Most of the appointments I had for the day were fittings for upcoming photoshoots and discussions about new concepts for the next album.

 

Sleep was still a luxury for me and I was thankful for the energy drink waiting for me whenever I feel sleepy.

 

I took a sip of the lethal drink and grimace at how much I’ve gotten used to the taste. I used to hate the stuff but with the hectic schedules, I had grown used to the taste.

 

The can was almost empty when I put it back to the cup holder in the van. We were on our way to our last activity before the night schedules waiting for me.

 

“Alex… you trust me right?” I said, turning my attention on the view outside. Alex had no clue about my plans.

 

“Of course I trust you. Is there something I should worry about?” he asked with concern in his voice.

 

“Nothing.” I shrugged. “You’ll still have a job if I was dropped, right?”

 

“I don’t like the direction of this conversation.” He was looking at me through the front mirror.

 

Of course no one would like it. He was like an older brother and their conversation sounded like separation.

 

I looked at him through the mirror and smiled light-heartedly. Our eyes met. “You know a lot can happen. I’m merely asking out of curiosity.”

 

The way Alex was looking at me told me that he wasn’t really buying the whole curiosity thing. He wasn’t expressing it out loud but he regarded me cautiously as if he was waiting for something to happen.

 

We arrive on our last stop for the first half of the day with ease.

 

Inside the studio, everyone was busy with their own responsibilities. As a rookie, I bowed mostly at everyone and greeted them with a smile. On occasion some returned the greeting and bowed while the others were too busy to notice or care.

 

I saw a bit of the set I would posing in. The backdrop was simple. Pale hardwood floors and semi-furnished walls with wood crates piled on one side while a single metal stool stood in the middle.

 

The shoot was for a denim brand and I was not as nervous as from the other shoots I’ve been with. Luckily Nichkhun, my ‘boyfriend’, is going to pose with me.

 

“Nichkhun oppa.” I called out when I saw him discussing something with his manager. As close as we are, we hugged.  We didn’t have to pretend being affectionate to each other since we’ve always been comfortable with each other.

 

He returned the embrace with familiarity. I had grown accustomed to his hugs since even when I was their backup dancer,

 

People around us just grinned at the affectionate exchange and seemed to encourage our relationship. It was good for the shoot. We, being a couple, were the reason why this brand asked for us. They were doing a ‘couple’ campaign.

 

“Still decided on telling the bosses?”He whispered while keeping his arms around me, unwilling to let me go without answering him.

 

I struggled a bit, trying to let anyone notice that we’re not really acting sweet.

 

“The guilt is eating me away. Freeing myself of the lies would make me live my life better.”I nodded and pinched him to let me go.

 

He flinched at the sharp pain of my pinch and I couldn’t help smirking with a ‘serves you right’expression. He pinched my cheeks as revenge.

 

I yelped and glared at him. Nichkhun just grinned at me and wrapped an arm around my waist as if to apologize with it.

 

The gesture had the staff and our managers smiling at chuckling.

 

After our little show, the photographer approached us. “Great!” He clapped his hands together and smiled. “I don’t have to worry about chemistry. Let’s start to work, shall we?”

 

Nichkhun and I nodded. We separated and went to our designated dressing rooms.

 

Just like what the campaign intended, we were dressed to complement each other. Even though I was wearing light wash jeans and a simple pastel shirt, the contrast with Nichkhun’s dark jeans and jacket with a plain white shirt still had us looking like a pair.

 

I couldn’t help but grin at my partner’s rugged look. Normally, Nichkhun wears comfortable clothes that have the laid back feel to it.

 

“You look like someone looking for trouble Nichkhun” I teased.

 

He took my words like some sort of prize and grinned. A mischievous look passed through his face that had me alarmed.

 

Instinctively, I took a defensive stance. My stance didn’t deter Nichkhun from making a move and within seconds, he had over his shoulder.

 

I shriek in surprise and held on his waist so that I won’t fall over. “Yah! Oppa!!!”I couldn’t fight him for fear of falling.

 

He was laughing at my helplessness. “I’m trouble alright.”

 

A click of a shutter stopped us momentarily from our antics.  “Perfect!” The photographer grinned. “Just the energy we need. Don’t worry about messing up. As long as you give me interesting shots, we’ll go along. I’ll tell if I want a certain pose later.”The camera snapping our photos continued.

 

Blood rushed to my face in embarrassment. I slapped my friend on the back.“Get me down will you? We’re working.”

 

I couldn’t see his expression but from the tone of his voice, he was amused.“You heard him. He doesn’t care as long as he gets a good shot.”He had a firm grip of my legs so that I won’t turn over.

 

“Nichkhun!!!”I whined.

 

“Haejin!!!” He copied my tone.

 

Around us, I heard the staff snickering, clearly enjoying my embarrassment.

 

I tried pushing myself up but he was stronger than me. Every time I failed to get free.

 

“You’ll pay for this later!” I whispered angrily.

 

Without warning, Nichkhun changed our position. I yelped and froze when he lifted me higher and the side of his face was pressed on my stomach. It was a very intimate pose and I lost my voice to protest. I rested on of my hands on his shoulder while I let the other on my side.

 

We could still hear the continuous camera clicks.

 

“What are you doing Nichkhun?”I asked. The anger from earlier had subsided.  The sudden change in position had affected my mood.

 

“Wishing that you’re mine.”He said softly that only I can hear his words.

 

I took comfort in the intimate embrace. “No you’re not. You just don’t want me to go.”

 

He didn’t answer back and slowly put me down. I looked at him and raised a brow. My expression broke a goofy smile on his face. Nichkhun then kissed me on the cheek all of a sudden.

 

“Yeah. You’re right.”He looked at me straight on the eyes. “But no one can replace Park Haejin.”

 

I grinned back at him and returned the gesture. “And no one can replace Nichkhun Horvejkul.”

 

 

For sure the photoshoot ended sweetly. No one would think that our relationship is fake. Our managers were happy with the outcome. I was laughing when I saw my friend’s manager giving a ‘thumbs up’ for being sweet and fun with me. It was wonderful to see their close relationship.

 

“Alex. NIchkhun’s going to give me a ride back.” I said once we were out of the studio.

 

Alex, my manager, smirked.“A date?”

 

Nichkhun didn’t look surprised. Before we changed, I asked him for a favor.

 

On the other hand, Nichkhun’s manager was a bit alarmed. “No one told me about a date.”

 

My fellow idol friend assured his manager with a pat on the back. “Relax. We’re not in a secret relationship and I don’t have schedule for the rest of the day.”

 

His manager wanted to protest. Nichkhun continued on. “I can’t stay late with her since she has activities later in the evening.”

 

I looked at my manager for help. Alex caught on and smiled at his fellow manager. “Give him some space. They haven’t seen each other for ages. It would do them good.”

 

In the end, Nichkhun’s manager let Nichkhun and I alone. My manager looked at my boyfriend with a smile but stern voice. “Bring her back in one piece and I don’t to deal with any scandal.”

 

Nichkhun smiled with a salute. “Scout’s honor.”

 

“You’re not even a scout.” I whispered as I bit my lip trying not to laugh.

 

He elbowed me, telling me to keep zip it.

 

Both managers left the company designated car for me and was left with an almost identical car that was intended for Nichkhun. Nichkhun and I waited until the two managers were out of sight before heading to the other car.

 

“Who’s first? Sooman or JYP? Or both?”He asked while we got inside the car.

 

Having them at the same room was out of the question. From what I knew of their schedules, this was a pretty busy month. It was impossible to get the two big shots in the same office.

 

“Sooman first. I think I heard JYP creating another album for 2am that would come out later this year.”I said as I locked the seatbelt.

 

“You’re really sure about this?” Nichkhun asked me before turning on the engine. He really cared for me. He was truly a friend.

 

I looked at him for a long time and nodded with a smile. “I’m sure as I’ll ever be.”

 

It was clear in his face that he didn’t like my decision but let me do what I wanted. A sad smile formed as he resigned to my decision and put the car in motion.

 

For a while we drove in silence.

 

My closest friend kept his eyes on the road while I watched him quietly.

 

During this time, I wondered about his words and pondered them. It was my turn to ask myself why my feelings were unchanged. For sure, it would have been a lot easier to have fallen in love with someone like Nichkhun. He was often described as the perfect boyfriend material. Through experience, I was witness on how caring he is to women and to men as well. He’s the type of person to treat everyone with respect and as an equal. In the months that I have worked closely with his group, I heard stories about his family and how they taught him how to be a good person.

 

Those things made me like and admire him.

 

Maybe if I had fallen in love with someone else, I would stop regretting and running.

 

“Why can’t you be the one that makes my heart race?” I asked out loud. We were still a bit far from the company building.

 

My question had Nichkhun suddenly turning his head to look at me. He was a bit shocked that I was actually thinking about him. “You’re thinking about it now?” He raised a brow and turned his gaze back to the road.

 

I made a noise that sounded yes and nodded. “I think it would made a difference in my decision. I could have moved on.”

 

“Then fall in love with me!” He said.

 

Laughter burst from my lungs and lightly punched his arm. “You think that’s easy?!”

                                                                                         

A soft smile rose from his lips and shook his head. “Never. The heart wants what the heart wants. It has the mind of its own.”

 

I couldn’t agree more.

 

Finally we arrived at SM entertainment building. For ten minutes, I just stayed inside the car and Nichkhun let me have all the time that I need.

 

“Thank you for letting me do this.” I suddenly had the urge to hold his hand.

 

The handsome idol squeezed my hand.“Are you afraid?”

 

A light chuckle burst from my lips and I rolled my eyes. “No one would be dumb enough not to be afraid. I may have decided to confess the truth but I’m still scared of the outcome.” I told him honestly.

 

“I see.” He took my words carefully and forced a smile. “I do hope that whatever happens later, you would be happy.”

 

His heartfelt words enveloped my heart with warmth. I forced a smile and nodded. “Me too.”

 

Nichkhun didn’t go with me inside. We decided that it would be best if I do this alone but I promised to call him as soon as possible once it was over.

 

The walk through the first floor and lift to the elevator was a breeze and yet it felt like each second was eternity. Once I was alone, I could really feel the whole thing sinking into me.

 

I was really going to do it.

 

Lee Sooman’s assistant greeted when she saw me come out of the elevator door. Her smile was professional and yet genuine. I had the enough wit to return the gesture and asked whether the boss was in. She nodded and told me to wait while Sooman was ready to receive visitors. She offered me some refreshments and suggested to seat but I decline them all.

 

My senses were wired through the rough. Sitting would have made me feel defenseless and I don’t think any refreshments would help me through this ordeal.

 

A grueling 10 minutes passed when I was given the signal that I could see him.

 

The whole moment made my whole body tense.

 

A stiff smile graced my face when I thanked the secretary and head for his office.

This was it.

 

My hand reaches for Sooman’s door. I could hear my heart thudding loudly and my breath quickened. I may have decided to do this, but I’m still nervous of the outcome.

 

I twisted the knob to the door and prepared myself. But before I could take a step inside, a hand grabbed for my wrist tight and pulled me back.

 

 

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It feels like I've been gone forever snce I last updated and once again I've broken my promise....

and damn!!! where's Minho? Wait around and you'll find out...

Eventually^^

I love you guys~