=====MINHO=====

 

"Japan"

 

"You're lying" I accused my manager. My body shivered as I denied the possibility. "Ji Eun would never do that. We promised each other"

 

"I'm not" He simply said.

 

He wasn’t lying. His eyes didn’t even flinched. I started to turn around and head towards the door when he stopped me.

 

"You can't. You are ruining this group's image" He grabbed my arm tightly.

 

"I don't care!" I lost it. My temper rose again. Ji Eun is my priority. It was selfish for my part, to care only for her and not the people around me. But how can I help it when every time we’re together, I feel she has become my source of power to go forward. Even when I’m too tired to go ahead with my responsibilities, her smile could cheer me up. She has been my source of strength ever since.

 

"Hyung" Taemin had a hurt expression on his face when I yelled at our manager. Even the rest of the group's facial expression were the same. I felt guilty for saying those words.

 

"Ji Eun is important to me. I just can't let her go like that" My words almost lost its voice. Just thinking of her never to return to my side makes my heart ache.

 

"You must! because she made her choice for you." He yelled, shaking me in the process.

 

"Hyung what do you mean?" This time it wasn't me who spoke. Onew, our leader who supported me in my decision.

 

He breathed out slowly, trying to calm himself. Our manager sat on a vacant chair in the living room. "We told you before you signed your contracts to be a trainee in SME that no romantic relationships were allowed. If one is caught breaking the contract, there would be consequences."

 

Silence filled the room. No one attempted to interfere as our manager continued.

 

"It was about a month ago when we discovered your relationship with Ji Eun. At first I kept it a secret from Soo Man. I thought it was best if I talked first to Ji Eun and convince her to break up with you."

 

I felt my temper rising up again but Key noticed it and patted me on the back, trying to help me calm down. I sat beside the rest of the members, trying to register everything as calm as possible.

 

"Just like any teenager, she was outraged by my suggestion and stated firmly that he won't let you go just as you are with her. It took a lot of persuasion before she finally gave in. You know, she even said to me that she wasn’t doing this because I told her to. She didn’t even care if her contract got evoked for being involved in a relationship when we told every trainee not to. Minho… you were the reason. She saw the change in you when you were together. You were so distracted. Getting late on rehearsals, the constant lies, and most of all taking your health for granted. Seeing you getting all worked up and exhausted was the end point for her.”

 

Guilt took over me. I was the reason she went away. I couldn't keep my promise to protect her. Instead I was the one who became the cause of our separation. I felt weak.

 

"She took responsibility. It was a pity to force her to make a decision for the both of you. You have just debut with the rest of Shinee while she was a trainee. You know what could happen if the press finds out your relationship. It could be the end of your career as well as the rest of the members and hers as well even if she hasn't made her debut. "

 

I couldn’t look at him. My eyes were on the floor avoiding the look from our manager.

 

"I know this is harsh but it is the painful reality of the industry. She knew she can't be selfish sacrificing everyone's career. Soo Man just recently discovered your relationship with her when she personally submitted her resignation from the company."

 

No words would come out of my mouth upon hearing Hyung's explanation. I looked at my friends with shame. I didn't deserve to be in this group.

 

"Minho, she knew it would be a scandal if she continued seeing you." He was trying to make me feel better but all the more he tried, the more I felt bad. I should have noticed her suffering.

 

"I think I need some fresh air" I quickly stood up from my seat and rushed to the rooftop, never minding the sympathetic looks from my friends.

 

When I finally reached the top, I screamed my lungs out. I wanted some peace of mind as I digest everything manager-hyung had told us.

 

It hurts to realize that she left because I was giving up my dream for her. She was sorry because she left me. I may be hurt but I can't imagine the pain she was feeling. I was dense about everything.

 

I closed my eyes and let my body collapse on the hard cement floor as it has been a long and painful day for me and everyone else. It was cold and yet it wasn't that important of what was coming to me. And I thought the day would not be as worse at it is. I was wrong. Very wrong.

 

Not even an hour has passed when rushing footsteps came rushing to my side. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Jonghyun panting heavily with tears streaming down his face.

 

" What's wrong? "I curiously asked.

 

"Just go back inside. Quick!"

 

I quickly rose from my position and rushed back to the dorm. Jonghyun was right behind me as I continued to ran back. The door of our dorm was already in  my view and without hesitation, I twist the knob and saw my manager who was still there with the rest of the group watching the news with their faces plastered with horror and disbelief.

 

I was just about to ask what was happening when I heard the voice from the news saying,

 

" - an unfortunate event has happened. A flight going to Japan has crashed due to an engine failure a few minutes after it took off. Sources say that the crash may have limit the chances of any survivors. Right now, ambulances, police, rescuers are coming in to check in the situation at the crash site. Stay tuned for more updates.”

 

Manager immediately grabbed his phone and dialled some numbers. His face was calm at first and greeted. He mentioned Ji Eun's name and waited for a few minutes or two.

Suddenly, his expression changed into an unpleasant one.

 

"You can't be sure if JiEun really boarded the plane or not..." Key

 

Taemin who was the closest friend of Ji Eun spoke "Hyung- Don't tell us that Ji Eun-"

 

Before Taemin could finish, our manager nodded reluctantly. "I'm afraid so..."

 

"It can't be!" I yelled at him. I ran to him and easily reached for his collar. 

 

Jonghyun quickly pushed me away from the manager before I do something I would regret. I fell on the floor and made another attempt to our manager. I wouldn't just let him say that she's gone. I refuse to believe. Before I could get my hands on him again, Key together with Onew locked their arms around me to stop me.

 

"I'm sorry but it has been confirmed. She got on that plane. They have confirmed" There was a bitter tone in his voice. Maybe it was regret or sympathy. My mind wasn’t working right.

 

"She's not dead!"I glared at him. My brain refuse to acknowledge the possibility. Even my heart as well. She is alive. I know she is. A person like her shouldn't die that easily.

 

The whole rescue operation lasted more than a month before they were able to identify all the passengers’ bodies. Thinking about the victims was making my stomach churn. In the end, I didn’t get the result I was hoping for.

 

There were no survivors, not even her. We received a confirmation report that identifies that one of the bodies in last month’s tragic accident was indeed Ji Eun’s.

 

“She can’t be”

 

I continued saying those words repeatedly. Both my heart and soul refused to acknowledge it that I began to trash the dorm. Everything that I could grab my hands on, I thrashed them. My mind wouldn’t stay sane. Just then, I didn't notice Taemin hugging me from behind. His grip was gentle that I almost pushed him away, but I stopped. Later on, I realized that even my hyungs were already restraining me tightly long before Taemin got involved.

 

"Hyung. She's gone. Ji Eun noona is dead." Taemin croaked. My shirt was soaking wet from his tears. Ji Eun was the closest friend he has except for us. Taemin was not the only one crying. Onew. Key. Jonghyun. They were suppressing their tears but still I could hear them sobbing quietly.

 

I shook my head in denial. "We were just laughing" Somewhere deep inside me I thought I heard a sound of flat line in my head.

 

She was truly gone. I finally started to accept the unacceptable truth. Never again would I hear Lee Ji Eun laugh at my silly jokes, feel her warm hands intertwined with my long fingers, even see her smile whenever we’re together. None of these would ever happen again. Things went into slow motion as I fell on my knees and let the tears fall. My heart felt like crushed and torn into thousands of pieces. Her face. Her voice. Her warm breath. Everything about her have disappeared with a blink of an eye. Only our memories remained....in my heart.

 

For a week, I distanced myself from the world, mourning of her death. I rarely ate, slept and cried the whole time. All the members could do was watch silently. During that time, the things my management wanted to avoid happened. Ji Eun's sacrifice to keep our relationship a secret turned to dust. It seemed a couple of months ago, a tabloid reporter had been stalking me and discovered my secret relationship with Ji Eun. It was one of the biggest scandal of the year and had taken a lot of attention from the public. SME thought that it would be the end of Shinee's flaming charisma, but it turned out to be the complete opposite.

 

I hate that I knew the reason the public reacting positively towards the scandal I created. When my relationship with SME’s trainee, Ji Eun was published, the reporter later found out that she was one of the unfortunate passengers of the flight to Japan. A lot of the people sympathize with me because I lost a very important person that I loved no… I love very dearly. Although there are some, who just far too cruel. Bashing someone who already died. I never cared much.

 

A press conference about a trainee’s death was unusual but because of my involvement with her and the scandal, it was a must for a official announcement. There were a lot of reporters that day. I was forced to attend while the rest of the members went voluntary on the said event. I had to wear sunglasses since I’ve been crying ever since… The stylist couldn’t do anything to make my puffy eyes look a little better.

 

We were waiting inside the dressing room until we were given the ‘go’ signal. Usually, Shinee’s dressing room was rowdy, with other idols visiting us or our stylists chatting endlessly about other celebrities or us making fun of each other. Unlike now, the only sound we hear is the clock ticking.

 

“It’s time”

 

A spokesperson from SM Entertainment made the formal announcement of her death and confirming that I, Choi Minho was in a relationship with Lee Ji Eun, a trainee at SME. Hearing it, has made the tears I tried not to shed flowed once again. Taemin and Jonghyun were already teary as well while Key and Onew were trying to keep it together. I know it was hard for all of us. We shared a bond with her.

 

As for the next part of the conference where reporters are allowed to ask questions, no one tried to force me to answer any questions. The management was very strict as always about having it their way instead of the media. A lot of reporters tried to direct a question at me but my manager always spoke in my behalf. I was thankful he did, being reminded of what the conference was all about was already painful for me to bear.

 

The following week, Soo Man personally arranged a funeral for Ji Eun and her parents. The company did it out of respect of a trainee who lost not only her a family but her own as well. If they didn't prepared any funeral for her and her family, no one will. From what I know, her family was distant to their relatives. No one tried to keep in touch with them.

 

Co-trainees, instructors and friends came to give their condolences. I was crying during the whole ceremony. Tears just continued to flow . Just then, I saw the only friend Ji Eun besides us, Emma. She too was crying hard, like me. I know how she feels losing someone very important. Ji Eun was the only one who was brave enough to befriend her when she first came to Korea despite the language barrier of being a foreigner. Somehow in her own way, Ji Eun overcame that barrier. She always have the ability to overcome barriers.

 

The people who were invited in the ceremony slowly dispersed. Emma was still taking her time in front Ji Eun's grave. After a minute or two, she gave her final respects and left. I can see that she didn't want to leave just yet but there were things she needed to attend to.

 

Finally, I was given a chance to have some alone time Ji Eun. As I took a step closer to her grave, an unexplainable fear arose. I thought maybe this fear was because I was afraid to let go of her even though I knew for a fact that she won't be returning to my side. I stole a glance behind me and saw the rest of the members from a distance. They were giving me time to say goodbye. Even though they were far, I could still see that they too were heartbroken to lose a love one.

 

"Jin..." immediately sobs broke out from me. I wanted to be strong but just uttering my personal name for her makes me emotional.

 

"You know that you will always be in my heart.... always"

 

"I’ll move forward but I’m not sure I’m ready right now. You do know it’s not that easy. You have been my strength and without you I’m not sure how will I be able to stand on my own… without you. I’ll try my best because you want me to. “

 

“Don't forget to watch over me from there.... I will always love you" I gave her a kiss on her tomb. Then, I heard footsteps coming from behind. Onew, together with Jonghyun, Key and Taemin were waiting for me before they say their final goodbyes. For a moment or two, I held onto her grave but later on gave way for my friends. They were also her friends.

 

Taemin was the first to speak, "Ji Eun noona, it's me your mushroom bestie. I hope you're watching us right now and I just want to say to you that we will miss you. " I could see he wanted to look strong not just for me to hold it together but also to prove Ji Eun he was mature. It was always what he and Ji Eun always bicker about; Who was more mature between the two of them.

 

"Ji Eun-ah, If you're worried about your Minho don't worry we're here to support him.” Key looked in my direction for a second and back to her grave. “I'll miss your undying affection to our Min even though I hated seeing you being too affectionate in front of us members" Key laughed a little to lift the mood but failed miserably to stop his tears.

 

The next one was Jonghyun. "Baby Eun!" his tone was the exact cheerful tone he used when she was still around. "I just wanna say thank you...You brought more life to Minho and also to us. We'll miss your smiles but don't worry about us. We love you. Visit us in our dreams if you can…" He was crying. Despite his manly image, Jonghyun-hyung was the ‘cry-baby’ of the group.

 

Then, it was Onew-hyung’s turn. I couldn't clearly see his face because of the tears streaming from my eyes. Still, I could tell he was putting every strength he can to stop the tears from coming out. He wanted to hold the group together. "Ji Eun, Thank you for giving us a chance to be part of your life. I’ll miss the fights with you and the maknae, your duets with me, Key’s umma moments with you, Jjong’s constant teasing whenever you’re around and the mushy moments with ‘your Minho’. Even though we won't be able to see you anymore, we know you're always around watching over us. Don’t worry about Minho. I promise, me and the rest would watch over him. We love you..."

 

I hugged him, crying that I was gasping for air. Eventually, he too, couldn’t stop his emotions to pour out and hugged me tighter. Jonghyun was seeking comfort on Keys shoulders while Taemin lowered his head hiding the tears he was shedding.

 

It was the first time I realized we have become closer because Ji Eun brought us more together. She became the rope that bonded us together.

 

We may be hurting now but we know, we can continue with our dreams because she will always be watching over us.

 

SM planned to have our next single release the following month but because of the recent events, Shinee went on hiatus. The main reason was because I couldn't face the day without crying and yearning for her. I was grieving for her every single day. It wasn't only me but even the other members felt the same way. Maybe not as affected as me but for three months, all I did was lock myself in my room and look at the things she left behind until Jonghyun burst inside the room and punched me hard on the gut.

 

"What the Hell are you doing Minho!" he yelled at me.

 

His punch hurt that I fell on the floor in a curled position. This was the first time he had physically hurt me.

 

Onew saw the commotion and rushed to my side. Jonghyun wanted to give me another blow but this time Key stopped him.

 

"You have to live your life Minho! I know it's hard but we promised" He was getting emotional. I know he was mad at me for doing nothing. I know that I have to move but I don't know how. I’m afraid I’ll forget once I do.

 

Onew who was trying to help me get back on my feet also answered, "Jonghyun's right. You have to try at least"

 

"She wouldn't like seeing you like this" I heard Key say weakly.

 

They knew even without mentioning her name, it made me flinched. I was crying once again. Taemin came into my view and grabbed my hand. He placed something on my hand.

 

"Ji Eun noona wanted you to move on and Continue with your dream. Don't mess it up" He had my hand form into a fist.

 

I opened my hand and saw an unfamiliar necklace on my palm. It has a ring with it. There was an inscribed message unseen part of the ring. It said, "To my shining Min, Y.O.U. will always remain in my heart"

 

"I found it in the mailbox. It was enclosed in an envelope which was addressed to you."

 

"Do this for yourself and also for her." Onew helped me sit up and waited for me to react just like the rest of the guys.

 

I was silent. I didn't know how to react. She prepared everything for me. Ji Eun knew I would eventually turn out like this if she leaves but she gave me a treasure to urge me to go forward. And for her I will. I’ll try just like what I said in front of her grave.

 

"Thank you guys. I will..."Slowly a smile crept on his face assuring everyone he will move on. For the whole group. For his dream and hers as well.

 

+++++++++++++

 

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~David Harkins

 

The story ends with a new beginning...

 

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