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013: SHINee meets the SKY

 

----Haejin----

 

What if they won’t like me?

 

This thought was running in mind as I waited for my very first stage.

 

Technically it wasn’t just my stage.

 

I was going to sing the duet song I recorded with SHINee’ s Onew, a friend of mine when I was still the same person they cared about.

 

Sooman and JYP used the song as an opportunity for me to get to know how the public would respond to me. They wanted to know if I could survive in this industry after the whole incident died down.

 

When they released the song in the internet, the response was good.

 

So far, people liked my voice.

 

The numbers were enough that I was asked to sing on stage.

 

Having a popular idol such as Onew participate was a big plus. It had brought attention to a newcomer like me.

 

“SKYE. Stand by.” One of the coordinators told me.

 

SKYE. That was my new stage name. Both entertainment companies and my management thought that using my real name was too plain. That was why they thought of a new name for me.

 

SKYE came from the word, ‘SKY’ which is ‘Haneul’ in Korean. They added an E which represents the word ERA.

 

In short my name means ‘SKY ERA’. It meant that my time has come. Like the sky, I will always be there, expressing the emotions I feel just like the SKY.

 

--- Minho ---

 

Onew hyung was on stage again, singing a duet with someone I thought was the love of my life.

 

She wasn’t. Her face was identical to hers, but she wasn’t.

 

The music started and Onew hyung started to sing.

 

Both hands tremble

As I remembered the cold memories of love

Now it is getting weirder

I don’t wish to reject you

But I just know that

No matter how close we are

I know that I can’t love you anymore

I can’t miss you

Waiting for you makes me tired

I can’t endure anymore

And I can’t realize it-

 

Haejin approached Onew and sang with him for the chorus. She wore a pale peach dress just above the knees.

 

She looked beautiful. Her hair was no longer fiery red from when I first saw her on stage. She dyed in back to black.

 

I can’t handle the memories of love and feelings alone

I can’t start this

I can only miss you secretly in my heart

My heart only left your fragrance

That I missed and always loved

 

The name I loved once in this life

Has become further and further away from me

I am writing your name on a paper

And forever kept it in my heart

From that day, I only realized that

I will only love you forever 

 

Love that can’t be together can also be known as love

 

Thousand times, remembering the first time our eyes met

And stolen an edge of my heart without me noticing

 

The name I loved once in this life (loved in this life)

Has become further and further away from me

I am writing your name on a paper

And forever kept it in my heart

From that day, I only realized that

I will only love you forever 

Love that can’t be together can also be known as love

 

This song, I heard it before. It was supposed to be part of our album but Sooman decided not to include it.

 

For me, it suited them perfectly.

 

Their voices blended beautifully with the music.

 

It was like they were telling the story and they were the couple in the story.

 

I can imagine myself being the man in the song.

 

His feelings were just the same as mine.

 

Like him, I could no longer be with her. The only thing that I could do was remember and cherish every moment of it.

 

The song ended and the audience applauded.

 

No one remembered her face except for those who knew her well.

 

I went back to reality and stared at the screen, who no longer showed the two. Someone else started performing.

 

They were good but I lost interest.

 

All I could concentrate on was Haejin.

 

I knew I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. Knowing that there was someone in this world deeply connected to Jieun, made it hard for me to forget.

 

Especially when they share the same blood and appearance.

 

A couple of minutes later as Onew promised to me, he brought her to our dressing room to introduce her to everyone.

 

Sooman informed him that since Haejin was part of a joint company by JYP and SM, she will be showing up in both companies.

 

Jinki hyung came in first and then followed by Haejin.

 

From her posture, she was nervous and tense. She was almost afraid to step inside.

 

Key have talked to her and he waved brightly at her. It made her more confident and slowly grew comfortable standing beside Onew.

 

Seeing her up-close was like a physical hit. There was no denying that they were twins.

 

She looked like how Jieun was before.

 

No!, I mentally scolded myself.

     

I shouldn’t cross the line.

 

The what ifs and could have been were the things I tried not to think about.

 

In my heart, I knew it would only cause pain and yet I’m standing here looking at the one thing that reminded me of the possibilities.

 

It hated this fact that made me see reason.

 

Onew whispered something to her and she nodded. I watched her take a big breath before introducing herself.

 

“Hello. I’m Park Haejin. It’s nice to formally meet everyone.” She bowed and smile at us.

 

Her smile was identical.

 

That smile took all the energy I had to control myself.

 

The memories resurfaced. I couldn’t stop them from flooding my mind.

 

It was no use. All of my feelings for her resurfaced.

 

All I could do was feel.

 

Pain.

 

Love.

 

Desire.

 

Longing.

 

All these feelings bundled into one, woke inside me.

 

“Minho…” My fellow groupmate, Jonghyun called.

 

My eyes went from Jieun’s sister, Haejin to Jonghyun.

 

Everything went blurry. At first I thought my vision went hazy from the lack of sleep.

 

I closed my eyes and felt something wet.

 

My hand came in contact with it.

 

Only then did I realize that I was crying.

 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m crying.” I lied as I hopelessly wiped them with my bare hands.

 

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

 

Last night, Onew hyung told me about her. He advised me to ready myself and constantly bear into mind that she was a different person.

 

I followed his advice. I tried with all my might not to give in to the emotions that still lingered for Jieun even after 3 years knowing that she died.

 

In the end, nothing prepared me from this.

 

All I could see was the blurry figures surrounding me. I tried smiling, hoping it would lessen the sudden drop of mood in the room but all it did was make it worse.

 

I tilted my head down, covering my face so they wouldn’t see any more of it.

 

The others remained where they stood as I hid my face. I needed time to calm myself but before I could, someone touched me.

 

A hand suddenly reached out for my face and raised my chin.

 

Once again, I saw her face. The face shared by two people.

 

Jieun and Haejin’s.

 

It only made me want to cry more.

 

She had that solemn smile on her face and looked me straight in the eyes.

 

Even as I cried, I couldn’t tear of my eyes from hers.

 

Jieun’s eyes were the same beautiful shade of brown.

 

I had the sudden urge to embrace her but I know I couldn’t. With every bit of control I have in me, I did my best not to do what my heart wanted.

 

Over and over again, I told myself mentally that she wasn’t Jieun.

 

She wasn’t the one I…

 

I couldn’t finish the thought. Three years had passed and I still can’t do it.

 

I promised moving on. I told myself and my friends that I would.

 

I lived like I did for the past year but in my heart, there was nothing to soothe the longing and pain inside me.

 

In my heart, she still lived.

 

“Don’t be sorry…” Her voice awakened me from my thoughts.

 

Just like her eyes, her voice reminded me too much of her sister.

 

I couldn’t speak to apologize to her.

 

Sadness flickered in her eyes. “I understand.”

 

It was as if we were the only person in the room when she said those words.

 

No one knew the same pain I was feeling even before, but knowing there was someone with the same connection as I was with Jieun, I felt her sincerity in those words.

 

Her words sounded like what Jieun would have said.

 

In my mind, I knew Jieun would say that she too understands the pain of loving someone where there was nothing that could be done but watch from afar.

 

Her hands then moved as gently as I remembered to wipe the tears falling from my eyes.

 

Without me noticing, my tears have stopped like magic.

 

I could see her eyes starting to water but the tears didn’t fall. I kept on staring on her eyes as she had her attention on my face.

 

“This face of mine… it reminds you of my sister.” She said without question.

 

I nodded, unable to say anything.

 

In front of her, I was like a mute. I became a person of no words to use.

 

Her hands felt warm.

 

She was warm unlike…

 

NO! I had to think of something else.

 

More pain was filling me inside. It was making me lose myself.

 

And as if she sense what I was feeling, she released me.

 

Losing her warm hands on my face was like a jolt to reality.

 

She faced the others and bowed. “I guess we should meet some other time. I’m happy to meet all of my sister’s friends.”

 

Haejin didn’t stay long and left.

 

The others didn’t say anything for fear that I would do something unexpected. I couldn’t blame them.

 

Whenever we touched the subject about Jieun, everything goes bad for me.

 

There was still the last part of the show that we need to appear in, I remembered.

 

I wiped the rest of the tears on my face and asked one of the stylists to do something about it.

 

The make-up stylist frantically fixed my make-up in which I apologized for ruining.

 

In a few minutes, we were called again.

 

Before we left the room, the rest of the guys patted me on my shoulder to show their support and comfort while Taemin held my hand.

 

I smiled grateful for their care. They have been my support all these time. They made me feel better but there was something that even friends can’t cure instantly.

 

I did my best to forget what happened earlier. There was time for that later.

 

On stage, we joined the last performer and waited for the announcement.

 

From where I stood, I could see Haejin standing nervously among the other idols who performed earlier.

 

She greeted them politely but didn’t make any initiative to make conversations. I watched her for a couple of moments before the hosts announced the winner for this week.

 

They excitedly revealed our win for 4 consecutive weeks in the program.

 

I smiled mechanically.

 

Onew was almost jumping up and down from happiness while Taemin coolly smiled at the audience and waved at them. Key was hugging the other idols who were congratulating him.

 

It was truly a happy moment. We won again for all the hard work we did.

 

I should be happy but I wasn’t.

 

My heart was elsewhere.

 

-----Haejin------

 

The MCs announced SHINee’s 4TH consecutive win.

 

Once again, SHINee won for their hard work and charisma on stage.

 

The group cheered. Other idols shared their congratulations with them.

 

I applauded like the rest of the idols and the audiences.

 

Minho was smiling with an unreadable look in his eyes. Onew was like his usual self as well as the rest of the group.

 

I was sincerely happy for them.

 

But as I was watching them, a thought came to my mind.

 

This dream of standing on stage with him really came true, but somehow fate really did play me.

 

Even standing here with him, there was a huge distance between us.

 

“Congratulations sunbaenim.” I said softly.

 

My eyes were on one person.

 

Minho.

 

I didn’t dare approach him. I was too cowardly to do so.

 

When I saw his tears earlier, I felt guilty.

 

He didn’t deserve to feel that kind of pain and yet I was the one responsible for that pain.

 

My fear was what destroyed us. Maybe if I stayed he wouldn’t be suffering because of my death.

 

Probably he would break it off with me and continue with his life. There would be no regrets and somehow I would get over it and be happy.

 

But, all those possibilities were impossible.

 

Three years had passed.

 

As Jieun, I made the decision.

 

Nothing could change it.

 

All that remained was the present.

 

Before I decided to do something stupid, I tore my eyes away from him.

 

Without a second thought, I went off the stage like the rest of the idols.

 

SHINee stayed on stage and performed an encore of their recently won song, RING DING DONG.

 

I could hear their voices blaring on the speakers but I didn’t stop to watch. I didn’t look back.

 

There was still this feeling of longing in my heart and I knew I shouldn’t.

 

Like what fate predicted for us, I should stop hoping for a miracle to happen.

 

There would be no more of us.

 

Moving on was the only option.

 

And so… that’s what I will do.

 

It was time to set things right.

 

No more Jieun.

 

Just Haejin.

---

My eyes hurt and I think I'm having a migraine.

Another dramatic but short chapter I supposed.

At this moment, I don't know how I will continue this.

I have a vague idea but it's not enough. It's like a time jump.

But here's a clue....

Taemin will confront her....

If you think that I'll stop updating this...you're wrong. I'm really determined to finish this.

BTW... even if I don't want to admit it... I was kind of disappointed with SHERLOCK. I was expecting more BOOM!

You know what I mean^^. I love them but...there was something missing.

TRIVIA: I was listening to B2ST's Clenching my fist tight and KYUHYUN's 7 years of love when I was writing this update.

I'm really grateful for those who took their time to read this story. It means a lot me.

I'm kind of vain...hehehe