023.2: Regret

---Haejin---

Heart breaks.

My heart shatters and I can’t do anything about it.

An automatic smile broke from my face as Minho introduced Suzy as his girlfriend.

He looked happy and I’m standing there like some stupid fool, looking at the loving in front of me.

“C-congratulations.” I stuttered.

“Thank you Haejin. That really means a lot coming from you.” He said to me. His hand was intertwined with Suzy’s free hand.

His hand with hers…

Though I tried so many times not to think about it, the image was burned to my mind.

The words that came from his lips only made the pain hit harder than it should.

A full assault of regret hit me like a bullet.

I am a fool.

I truly am.

A thousand times, I’ve said those words to myself.

I didn’t stay long with them. The feelings I was experiencing that time was chaotic and I don’t want to break down in front them. I just pretended for the sake of everyone.

I said goodbye with a forced smile and went home in a hurry.

My hands were shaking by the time I reached home. I was greeted by a dark empty house. 

I locked the door and walked weakly to the living room.

Nothing changed but there was something different about it.

This house resonated every step I made no matter how quiet I walked.

It made me realize one thing.

I am alone.

The album Taemin left some nights ago was still on the table where he placed it.

I haven’t had the courage to look at it ever since that night. I had been so afraid of what I am to find out.

This time, there was nothing left to be afraid of.

Park Jieun has been completely erased from Choi Minho’s world.

What I am now, doesn’t matter.

With my shaking hands, I picked it up and stared at the cover.

Year of Us

Each one of them had changed a lot. I have listened to their songs before but this was the first time I held an album from them.

There was a note inside.

01. Y.O.U.

Minho-hyung wrote it.

Slowly, I took out the CD and put it on the player.

The short silence before the song started became suffocating that I almost changed my mind.

But then, the song started before I made my decision.

                      I met you during the chaotic times, eh

                      I didn't know anything but

                      I was mad that people kept saying to give up

                      No girl, I only show you the bad sides of me but, oh

                      Even if my body breaks down and my heart rips

                      I will keep that promise that I will protect you forever, same thing

                     *Nothing can stop me from loving you

                     The reason why I breathe is you you

                     The reason why I sing is you you 

                     The reason why I live is you you

                     Nothing can stop me from loving

                     Why do people stay when things go well

                     But leave me when things go wrong, yeah

                     People are so weak like glass

                     Why does my heart hurt so much by such little things?

                    Let's never do the same, even if we don't like it, even if it hurts

                    Let's keep that promise to be together forever, same thing

                    *Repeat

                    Years will come and years will go, good days and bad days too

                    I'm yours (even on good days) I'm yours (even on bad days)

                    I'm yours (I'm not just saying that)

                    I'm yours (I'm trying to show you)

                    Years will come and years will go, even when we're old

                    I'm yours (even on good days) I'm yours (even on bad days)

                    I'm yours (I'm not just saying that)

                    I'm yours (I'm trying to show you baby)

                    I know this won't happen but

                    Even if you leave me because you don't feel the same way anymore

                    I know I will never forget you

How many times have I wished you would let go?

And how many times have I said I would?

                    Cause I love you you you

                    The reason why I sing is you you

                    It's you you you

                    The reason for everything is you you you you you, hey

Instead of crying, I laughed.

I laughed until my heart hurt so much that I had my knees on the floor.

My other hand was over my chest, clutching my shirt just over my heart. The pain was there. It was squeezing me dry of every emotion I could produce.

With the album cover still on my hand, I struggled to stand up and just walked out the door.

My mind still hasn’t process where I was supposed to go but my body knew where.

It started raining and all I had with me was a couple of bills in my pocket and the album Taemin gave me. It was warm and cold at the same time. I shivered but I kept concentrating on where I needed to go.

I took a cab and it didn’t take long before my mind caught up to my body.

My steps quickened. Even when I was fully drenched by the rain, all I could think about was going where I was supposed to go.

I reached the door and knocked. My shoes made squeaky sounds from being wet.

My teeth chattered from the cold. I pressed my lips together, trying my best to fight the cold.

“Noona.” My friend that she tried to forget, looked at her in surprise.

I forced a smile but it only made the pain in her heart hurt more.

“Taemin-ah…” She ended up sobbing. “Please tell me why have I done wrong to deserve this.”

Taemin closed their distance and wiped the tears that I had ended up spilling. My hands moved on their own and formed into a fist while the other one kept a tight hold on the album. I pressed them on his chest and leaned on him as my body felt weak.

“Why?” I asked him. “Why do I have to know this now?! Why make me remember!”

“You could have left it untouched… why make it harder? I was on the verge of giving up. Why make me hope when there’s no more hope remaining.”

My knees gave out.

He caught me just in time.

“I’m sorry.” He told me.

If only his apology would maKe any difference.