Chapter 35

Kyuhyun’s pov

"Kyu, are you alright...?” Siwon asked me, perhaps he saw me while I was wiping the traces of my tears earlier.

"I'm okay." I answered him shortly.

Flashback

"Appa... Uncle Kyuhyun feels like mommy when the first time Sheila saw him." Sheila replied to her appa while nodding to convince his father, "And Sheila sure that uncle is Sheila's mommy when Sheila hugged uncle. Appa can try to hug uncle too, appa will feel it." Sheila said giggling again.

‘Omg, Sheila... my baby girl, I feel the same way too when I saw you the first time, and I always dreamt of you since I saw your picture... To meet you as then, it was like a dream come true, I could not resist to hug you.’

"Appa, please don't separate Sheila with mommy again... ne? I promise to be a good girl, I won't ask for more dolls, and Sheila cancels Sheila's request of a barbie doll house for Sheila's birthday next month, appa don't have to buy anything for me. But just let us stay with mommy... please, appa?"

‘Sheila, even would do anything just to be with me? I wish it could be like that, because I would do anything to be with you and your appa, I need this family...’

I saw Siwon hugged Sheila, "I love you baby Sheila." ‘I want to hug both of you... and say I love you... really I do.’

"Appa..." Bella's voice broke my attention...

"Yes, sweety.." Siwon replied, and I looking at Bella, I put my arms around her waist, Bella was frowning,

"Can't I just stay home today? Uncle Kyuhyun is here... I want to be with him, Sheila and appa, too." 

Oh, my princess... well, I don’t know whether Siwon will let me stay here for the night, but I still miss your appa and both of you, so I replied her, "Tell you what, I'll still be here when you get home later. Okay? I promise..." And I saw Bella smiled and nodded. "C'mon Bella, let's get you downstairs, you'll be late for school... okay, sweety?" I hope he won’t mind.

"Okay, but uncle have to walk me downstairs." She said.

"Arraso, princess Bella. Let's go. Say good bye, kiss your appa and your sister first." Bella gave Siwon and Sheila a kiss and a hug. "I'll take Bella downstairs first. Be back in a minute.." I said, glancing at Siwon.

He just nodded, thanks God he seems he doesn’t mind if I stay tonight. He waved at Bella, I walked hand in hand with Bella, I want this to happen everyday for the rest of my life, this is my family... Siwon... Sheila... Bella...

When we got outside the room, just a few steps from the door, Bella pulled my hand, we stopped walking, and I looked down at her, "What is it Bella? Did you forget  something?"

She shook her head and said, "Uncle Kyuhyun, can you squat for a while."

"Squat?" I asked, she nodded. "Okay... like this?" I asked again, while squatting in front of her.

She grinned, then walked to get behind me, and hopped on my back, "Piggyback me, uncle Kyu."

I chuckled, “I see... my princess wants her guardian to piggyback her before school?”

“Ne. Could uncle Kyuhyun carry me every day like this? Take me to the car, to go to school? I'd be very studious, and will never miss school even though I get sick." My heart feels like its being squeezed, ‘You have no idea, Bella... I really want to do that. But my relationship with your appa really is too confusing, I don't even know who I was for your appa.’

I can't answer, Bella put her head on my shoulder, "Uncle Kyuhyun, I never saw my appa hugging other people like what appa did to you in Sheila's room. Appa always shows he is a strong man, he's  superman. But I know my appa is seriously ill, I've seen appa throw up when I sneak into my appa's room because I had a nightmare that night, also I saw appa was given some medicine  from a hospital in his hand when I walked into appa's study when I still woke up in the night and want appa's hug, but when I asked appa said appa was just tired. Uncle Kyuhyun... can uncle stay and accompany my appa? Make him healthy again, please uncle Kyuhyun... " I felt my shoulders wet, Bella cried.

I kept walked and silent, "Uncle Kyuhyun, please don't tell appa, even though appa never said it, but I knew I was adopted." I gasped, "I accidentally saw in the school file, uncle. But that doesn’t matter, my appa loves me so much, so I'm not sad anymore. But please, uncle... don’t let me lose my appa, save my appa... I only have my Siwon appa in this world...Please, uncle Kyuhyun..." Bella was sobbing.

I held my sobbing voice but I can't stop my tears right now, but Bella was notice, she wiped my cheek with her ​​tiny hand, "Uncle Kyu, please don't cry, my appa would be sad if appa saw uncle's eyes are red." Then Bella hugged me tightly, “Uncle Kyu... Bella loves uncle...”

~*~

Not long afterwards, I was already in Sheila’s bedroom again. Siwon was still holding Sheila who looks like she has been whining . Siwon moved his gaze towards me now. I was wiping the traces of my tears fast, and asked him, "Hi... how's your headache, Wonnie? Is it better now?" He just nodded and looked at me carefully, I miss you very very much, my Siwonnie.

End of flashback

I sat on the chair next to the bed. Sheila released her hug from Siwon and looked at me, "Mommy, don't go. You're Sheila's mommy."

“No sweety, I’m not leaving...” I smiled, reaching the food container on the side table I brought earlier, and handing it to Siwon, "Siwon, uh... JungHoon hyung... um..."

"Oh, my breakfast?" He asked, I nodded. He took the food container and opened it, suddenly Sheila commented while she was still in Siwon's lap,

"Hmmmm... this food smells like mommy, too..." She inhaled the smell of the food, smiling.

Siwon was dumbfounded, “What do you mean, baby boo? Why does everything smells and feels like mommy?"

I saw Sheila giggling, covering , and she looked at me, "Honey, come sit with me, let your appa have his breakfast first." I said to her holding out both of my hands.

Sheila moved to sit on my lap, "But mommy, Sheila already asked Kim-jibsa ajusshi to bring porridge for appa..." I smiled at her, "It's okay, when Kim-jibsa ajjushi brings the porridge, we'll make your appa eat it, we'll make appa fatter, how's that, baby girl?" She nodded, "Ne mommy, appa is to skinny. Sheila don't like appa too skinny."

I saw Siwon put a slice of chicken and potato in his mouth and started chewing, and he mumbled, "Smells and feels like mommy huh~~?"

Then he lifted his head, "Kyu, since Sheila said you feels like mommy, and this food smells like mommy too, does that mean you made this?" I lowered my head, while looking at Sheila who is looking at me, "So, that means, all this time, you prepared it for me, Kyu?" He continued. I just nodded. "Ooh..." I only heard him saying that.

Suddenly I heard a knock on the door, "Sheila, honey, have eaten your porridge and medicine?" Siwon's mom enters and I glanced at her giving a smile.

"Yes, already did, halmeoni. Here why don't you touch my forehead, I'm better right?"

"How can your fever be gone that fast, Sheila? Hmmm... you really missed your mommy, right?" Siwon's mom said smiling while caressing my head, "Thank you, Sheila's mommy..." I just smiled and kissed Sheila's forehead.

"Sheila, will you come with haelmeoni? I'm really tired, can you sleep with haelmeoni?" Siwon's mom tried to persuade Sheila. I understood where she's going with, she wanted to give some time alone for me and Siwon, so we could talk.

"But halmeoni... Sheila still miss my mommy..." Sheila pouted.

"Sheila, mommy's going to spend the night in our house, so you'll have a lot of time to be with her. Okay, sweety?" ‘Spend the night in this house?’

"Really?!" Sheila almost screamed full of joy, I just nodded and took a glance at Siwon, hopefully he won't refuse and kick me out of the house. Then Sheila move her gaze towards her appa, "Really appa?"

But before Siwon could answer, his mom already took Sheila from my lap and carried her. "Of course, halmeoni already prepared a room for your mommy." Then she ticked Sheila's nose with her finger.

"But halmeoni... I want to sleep with mommy..."

"Aigoo... arasso, let's talk about it in halmeoni’s bedroom, ne...?"

"Neee..." Sheila smiled wide. "Appa... my teddy." Sheila pointed towards her teddy, and Siwon gave her the teddy and kissed both of her cheeks, and sit down again on the bed, "Bye appa... bye mommy... Uh, halmeoni, what is mommy in korean?"

"Umma."  Siwon's mom answered her.

Then Sheila moved her gaze towards me and Siwon, "Bye appa... bye umma..." She said waving to us, ‘U-umma...? Oooh... I was very touched.’ "Sheila wants to put halmeoni to sleep now, and tonight I'll sleep with appa and umma, ne?"

Siwon's mom chuckled and she kissed Sheila's cheek, "Aigoo...my granddaughter is really cute... Bye Siwon-ah... Kyuhyun-ah..." And they left us.

Siwon almost finished his food, "No wonder I didn't throw feel nausiea at all, it was your cooking." He said lowering his head. Does he not like it? Why does he react like that?

"S-siwon, you don't like it I prepared it for you?" I asked.

He shook his head slowly, "Its just... even when I was so cruel to you, you still care for me, Kyu?"

So he thought, all this time, that he is cruel to me, "Siwon, you're not cruel to me, I was just disappointed at you for not being open to me, you didn't tell me about your daughter, it's as if you don't trust me." I saw Siwon finished his last meal. I took the glass of juice, and gave it to him, and took away the already empty food container now, and also the empty glass and put it on the side table.

"It's not that I don't trust you, Kyu... but I am a bad person." He said lifting his head and meeting my eyes. His eyes full of sadness. “At first, I was planning not to admit that Sheila is my daughter, and keep Sheila's status as my adopted daughter." ‘Whaaatt...?! I really can't believe what he's saying.’

He smiled bitterly. "I'm a bad person, right, Kyu? I even have the heart to not admit my own flesh and blood, only for own needs, my pride in the company and society." He said lowering his head again.

"Oooh...”

“I’m sorry, Kyu.”

“Um, S-Siwon... will you tell me about it? And... what about... mmm... Sheila's mom, does she... is she... I-I mean... ..."

"Are you sure you're ready to hear the whole truth? Kyuhyun, I've waited three weeks with full of worry, and you want to hear all of it after my mother forced you to come to see Sheila because she's sick?” He asked me frowing.

"I'm so sorry, Siwonnie... I didn't mean to make you wait this long, but I thought that you really don't trust me because you didn't want to tell me about the girls, moreover about Sheila, since we started our relationship. So, are you willing to tell me everything? And why did you change your decission now about Sheila's status?" I asked.

Siwon moved himself a bit to side, his back on the bed head, stretching his legs, hugging one of Sheila's pillow  "I changed my mind, truthfully, it's more because of you, Kyu?" He said looking at me.

I was dumbfounded, "Me?"

“Yeah... you know, I was really serious with you." My heart was sad hearing my own words ‘Was’, but that's the truth. "And I was thinking that if we continue to marriage, of course we couldn't have our own child... well... you know what I mean." He was still looking down while playing with the pillowcase , "And at the time, my parents still haven't agreed with our relationship, and the main issue was the heir of Choi.”

"I kept thinking about it, should I just reveal the truth about my daughter, so that my parents won't make a fuss anymore about the matter. But that means I might loose my position as Director if the BOD finds my act not accordingly." He took a deep breath before continuing, "And when you talked about the girls' painting, and that you said you fell in love with Sheila at first sight, and then you asked me to take your kidney so that I could live longer with the girls... it was like a whip that broke my heart into pieces.”

“Kyuhyun, I love you, but I lied to you. I love Sheila, but I tried to hide her because I was afraid of loosing my position. I'm really a bad person, a bad father, a bad lover. I'm just a pathetic coward."

Now, I understand, "Siwon, I understand now... and I'm proud of you for realizing your mistake by admitting it. Even though you know you would lose me because of the truth, even though you know you might lose you position because you admit Sheila is your flesh and blood, but you did it. I'm proud of you for having the courage to do this."

"I'm so sorry, Kyu..." He looked at me with his teary eyes.

"Siwonnie, is it okay if you tell me now about Sheila's birth mother?" Siwon just sighed. "Wonnie, I'm sorry if I sound I want to meddle in your past, but I'm just worried for Sheila. And... and..."

"And if we were to continue our relationship, you want to be Sheila's legal guardian, so you want to know Sheila's birth mother's status?" He continued my question, like he can read my mind.

"Well... uuh..." I was a bit confused to what I should say, because we haven't talked about our relationship, have we?

"Don't worry, her mom doesn't want Sheila. There was only my name on Sheila's birth certificate, she doesn't want to have anything related to Sheila. My poor baby..." Then he covered his face with Sheila's pillow, took a deep breath, let it go and continued, "I was still a graduate student in New York, on my studies of getting my masters degree. I was really in to a party life, going to clubs, surrounded by beautiful women, and I can understand if you don't want to hear this out, Kyu... but I was with different women every night. I don't even remember their names, most of the times. One night, I was too drunk, I was interested in one girl who was just sitting at the corner of the bar. That time, she was different, unlike the women who's always surrounding me. As usual, I put on my charm, and I used her. We went to a hotel, have , and when I woke up the next morning, she was gone already. It was nothing new to me. Women come and go with taking all my money in the wallet, but she didn't. But I didn't care at the time."

Siwon looked at me with sorrow eyes, full of sadness and disappointment, "Kyu, do you really want to hear this?"

I nodded and squeezed his hands assuring him. I don't want to hear it, but I have to know everything, I don't want any more misunderstandings between me and Siwon.

*sigh* "Okay... About two months afterwards, I met that girl again, she waited for me at the same bar we met the last time. When she saw me, she asked to speak to me. And that's when she told me that she was pregnant. I just laughed at first, and thought she was just a crazy girl who wanted to set me up. How was it possible for a woman who hangs out in a bar, then have but doesn't use protection. I though it was stupid, and I was too drunk to check on stuff like that.”

“We talked for several hours, and she told me the truth, that night she was very sad and got drunk as a way to forget her sadness, and it was her first time drinking at a bar. But still, I thought it was still foolish of her. Then she asked how we would deal with the situation. I don't know, Kyu... I am a bad person, but not enough to make her have an abortion, I love children. So, I asked her time to think, and asked for her number. A week later, I called and met her. I told her that I would be responsible for her, even marry her... hahahaha~~  I must've lost my mind that time. But you know what, she doesn't want that! She even thought of doing abortion because she didn't want to bring shame to her family back in Japan, who had paid her school with all they had. So she just asked me to take care of the hospital bills."

"Actually the way to deal with this situation was easy and practical. But I couldn't Kyu, I couldn't kill an innocent baby. I am a jerk, an a**, but I'm not a killer. I don't know how I could persuade her to take a leave for the semester until the baby was born, and support her living cost for the sake of my child. And I even asked her to send some amount to her parents back in Japan and to tell her parents that she'll be taking a semester leave because she has a big project to do. She finally agreed to do it. Believe me Kyu, I spend a lot of cash what I had back then for her, but it was worth it. When Sheila was born, I was so happy and so proud of that tiny person who's just been born. I fell in love with her at first sight, just like you, Kyu. But that woman doesn't want her. She didn’t even want to feed my baby and didn't want to look at her own child. Sheila was a day old, when her mother left her in the hospital, leaving me a note saying she doesn't want to have anything to do with my baby and she doesn't want to be connected to Sheila and me, she released her rights.”

"I admit, I was a playboy during my college years, used to live alone, partying, and suddenly have a baby girl... hahahaha~~” Siwon laughed bitterly, “I was almost going crazy. I cried in front of Sheila's baby box in the nursery room at the hospital, thinking what will happen to both of us, what our future would become. I can't tell my parents about her, their pride and honors, having a baby without marriage. They already had big plans for my future. I would be the Director of the Choi Enterprise once I graduate. I can't just ruin it because of my one-night-stupidity-stand."

"Lucky for me, JungHoon hyung, he took care of the legal guardian matters and got the statement of Sheila's mom notarized by the lawyer, his friend in New York. He was afraid that Sheila's mom would make problems with Sheila's status, once she knew who the Choi’s family is, and she arranged to put only my name as parent in Sheila's birth certificate. But I told hyung, that I won’t tell my parents about Sheila as my real daughter.”

"And one day, when I was at church, with JungHoon hyung, there was one Asian middle-aged woman whom I always meet on sunday, and we would sometimes chit chat. She told me that there's a little korean girl at the orphanage where she worked. The girl had lost her parents during the typhoon a week before, and she's Bella. Bella was 2y.o at the time, all alone in a foreign country with no one she knows.  JungHoon hyung came up with the idea to adopt Bella, he was sure, if I adopted Bella, it won't be a problem with introducing Sheila too to my parents for next.”

“When Bella’s adoption papers were all done, I told my parents that I have adopted daughter, I brought Bella to Seoul... introducing Bella to them, showed the adoption papers to my parents.  And JungHoon hyung was right, their first step was checked all the documents thoroughly by our legal tim, did background checks. They had taken were all to make sure there would not be any future problems, because you know, Kyu, even Bella is only an adopted daughter, but a lot of fortune is at stake in her future. And finally they approved.”

“Like JungHoon hyung’s initial plan, about a month later, hyung asked me to tell my parents about Sheila. Told them that my second daughter was just a couple month old baby, so she couldn't be flown to Korea, so my parents came to New York. And at the time, they didn’t check Sheila’s background, my father just asked hyung whether Sheila's document is okay like Bella's, and just trusted hyung, since they fall in love with Sheila right away. We're all mesmerized by Sheila, huh?” Siwon chuckled, “But, to avoid people's curiosity, I arranged for them to keep stay in New York. And I have to keep the secret tightly."

Siwon shifted his position, dragging his body to the edge of the bed, his feet on the floor, and sat facing me, "Now you know everything, Kyu... What would you do?"

‘What would I do? I'm not even done processing his stories about Sheila, and now he's asking me what I would do?’

"What... do you mean, Siwon?"

"We quarreled three weeks ago about this thing, and now you know the truth, I mean... what should we do now?” He looked at me with his thin face that still looks sad.

"Well... I know one thing for sure, I forgive you, Siwonnie, if that's what you mean. And that you have to agree to do the transplant and receive my kidney, because I want to live longer with you and Sheila, Bella, too." I said softly. I really wanted to pull him closer and hug him, I really miss him. But I still don't have the courage to touch him.

Siwon looked at me with his teary eyes now, "I really thank you, for forgiving me, Kyu. I really do. It means a lot to me. But I can't accept your kidney. Kyu, what if something happens to you...? I wouldn't be able to move on. You know, when someone is dying and doesn't have much time to live, that person will usually find reasons to why they should continue their lives. I too think about finding my reasons to live longer, and even though I should say the reason why I want to live is because of my girls, but truthfully, Kyu, my reason to live longer is only one, and that is you. Everything means nothing if there is no you. So, I can't accept your kidney, I know you can save me, no one else can save me now but you, but I’ll never forgive myself if anything bad happen to you if you do the operation for me...” He wiped his tears slightly.

"I told you, that I'll be alright. I would do anything for you, you know that, right... and I won't put myself in danger, because I want to live longer with you, Wonnie. Please?"

“Kyu... I would do anything for you too, that’s a fact. But I won’t do that, Kyu.”

I could not held back my tears. “Siwonnie... p-please? Oh please... *sob*”

“I’m so sorry... I just can’t.” He wiped my tears softly with his thumbs, his palms feels warm against my cheeks.  “Maybe I’m crazy to say this... Kyu, my love, I’ll never forget the way I feel when you left me that time, I won’t let you to feel the way I felt before, oh no way, Kyu... I can’t wipe away your flowing tears any longer, that's why I have to let you go. I know I’ll be lonely without you by my side, but I have to try to leave you, please let me go, I want you to let me go.”

I stood up abruptly, and burst out crying, "I don’t want to! Why are you so stubborn like this!? I love you dammit! How you could think that I could get a normal life without you, you want me to let you go!? I would go crazy, YOU BETTER JUST KILL ME!" I shouted at him and then left him.

I was walking down the stairs, heading towards the pool, my chest feels hurt once more, I wanted to scream angrily to him until I ran out of breath, but I guess it will be useless, like the last time. I really don't know what he's thinking about, I just wanted to cool myself down, and just be by myself. He loves me, but he wants me to leave him, because he thinks that he's running out of time...?

When I reached the edge of the swimming pool, I was not thinking much, I just felt my body so hot yet so light. I just threw myself into the pool, thinking I'll cool down a bit. But... What's this? I feel numb, I can’t move my hands and legs. I know I can swim, but I just felt so tired right now, and I felt my body can't move at all. It's like all the weight in my chest just pulled me down the pool. And I just let myself go under... drowning...

~*~*~*~