Chapter 30

Kyuhyun’s pov

“I said your daughters are beautiful.” I repeated what I said to him. “Oh yeah...” and he immediately focused back on the papers.

“Siwon, don’t you want to see them grow up, them to the altar and hand them to their future husbands?” I suddenly spoke what I was thinking out loud to him when I was still admiring the painting of his cute daughters.

“I don’t know...”

I walked up to his desk, and stood in front of him, “Siwon, please...let me help you, ne?” I pleaded softly to him.

He looked up from the papers in front of me and looked at me without saying, I didn’t know what his eyes are trying to say, ”Siwon, please get the transplant. I’m really sorry, I was wrong all these times, I thought I was doing the right thing, for your sake.” He lowered his head again, and this time played with the pen he was holding,  “Siwon, I wasn’t confident of myself, back then... and I was stupid enough not to believe in your love, our love. When your mother told me about what you wanted, no, your dreams, to have children of your own, I tought I was doing the right thing of leeting you go.” I don’t know why, but I saw Siwon’s body tensing up, the pen fell out of his hand to the desk.

“Are you saying that you left me just because I wanted to have kids of my own?”, his voice sounded shaken, and looked at me sharply. I really didn’t know the meaning of his stare, he never looked at me with those kind of eyes before. Is he angry? Shocked? Disappointed? What....?

 “A-are you angry, Wonnie?”

He stayed silent. I can see his veins starting to pop up in his forehead. Now, I get it, he is angry at me. But he stayed quiet, not saying a thing. He pushed his chair away from his desk, and turned the chair around, his back facing me, looking out the window. “I’m sorry Wonnie. I really am.”

I took my chances, he’s mad at me anyway, “Wonnie, I know you are disappointed and furious at me right now. But I need to tell you this, the months we’ve been living separately, I was living like a crazy, lunatic man. I continually work, without stopping, I wanted my brain to be busy with other things, not only thinking about you. I managed, I tried to live my life without you. And I was able to do that thinking what I had done was for your best, for your happiness.”

I don’t know whether he was still listening to me or not or maybe even thinking about other things, I took a long deep breath and continued, “I’m really sorry that I didn’t write back to you. I wanted to. I was really touched and wanted to fly back to your arms when you asked me to go back to you, to believe in our love. But, at the time, I was too sure of myself that what I’m doing was still the right thing for you. But after your mother asked me to meet her in Japan, and told me of your condition, I knew my decission was wrong. That I have made the bad decission.” I sighed, “I remembered, once you told me that I am your happiness... If it still applies, that means when I left you, I took away your happiness with me.” I was wiping my tears that was nonstop rolling down my cheeks. But I tried to control my voice when talking, so he wouldn’t hear my sobs. “I’m sorry...”

“Siwon, my love, I want you to live on... fight to be alive and live with your parents, and your girls...*taking another deep breath* and me, I-I mean i-if I’m still your happiness and you still want me. Please, baby, get the transplant. If you’re afraid to what happened to the donor before, you were scared of leaving the donor’s family in pain... T-take mine...” I made a fist, my chest begins to be heavy, “I’ve run the tests all day, and the result came out. I can be your donor.”

Suddenly, Siwon turned his chair facing me, his eyes red and puffy. He was crying the whole time. He stood up and started shouting “W-WHAT!? ARE YOU CRAZY, KYUHYUN!?” He then started throwing things his hand could get from his desk at me. He was surely furious. “I THOUGHT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD UNDERSTAND ME!” He continuously throws everything he could find on his desk towards me, his voice cracked, I couldn’t move, I just shielded my face using my hands, hoping not being hit by something hard.

A few moments later, he stopped throwing things, “What good does it do if I live and you died for me, Kyu? Huuhh..?” his voice weakened and hoarse now, “What good does it do...? Why won’t you understand... though just leave... *silent*. But, of course I won’t leave him, I keep standing in front of his desk, not even moving, “GET OUT OF MY SIGHT KYU!” he yelled me again.

I gathered my strength and courage, I opened my eyes, “SIWON, LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN!” I yelled at him and walked circled the table towards him who is now already sitting on his chair, his hands covering his face, “S-Siwonnie, listen... please.” I could only hear his sobs, “I’ll stay alive, I can live with only one kidney, but I can’t live without you.” I kneeled down beside him and hold him tight in my embrace. “I will live for you... and with you, I promise.  You know what, Wonnie, believe me I won’t be able to live if you are not here with me, in this world. Do you hear me, baby? If you die because you won’t receive my kidney, I will be blaming myself for the rest of my life, I will live in pain and die slowly to follow you in heaven.”

Siwon stood up abruptly, my hands were thrown by Siwon. I stood up and looked him in his eyes. “You know, Kyu, it’s better if you just leave now, before everything is too late.” He walked to the door, about one step from the door, he turned around to look at me and said, “You better eat first, mom’s already prepared it. After that, I prefer for you to leave me. You can stay in your apartment. I hired someone to clean your apartment weekly, so don’t worry it’s clean. And I’ll ask my driver to take you there. Go back to Paris, and make sure you don’t take any flight schedules to Seoul like what you’ve done for these past months. Get out from my sight.” After saying all that, he opened the door and left me there.

My knees weakened, I sat on Siwon’s chair, feeling my strength gone. My hands were holding on the desk, my head down, and I cried my eyes out... what’s happening to us?? Why he want to kicked me just like that? Is he really don't want me anymore? No, imposible, I know that he love me too much. But, he’s dying, why he wants me to leave him, not letting me to take care of him. Life is so upsetting.

I cried in silent for about 5 minutes, before I decided to to stand up, wiped dry my tears with my sleeves, ‘Siwonnie, I will never give up on you. Never!’ I decided walk to the dining room, I’m not sure whether Siwon is there or not, if not, I’ll go up to his room and convince him again.

When I got to the dining room, he was sitting in his chair, staring at the empty plates in front of him. I think he heard my footsteps, he lift his head, looked at me and said “Kim-jibsa, please bring out the meal.” Kim-jibsa, who wasn’t standing far from the table, bowed and hurriedly walk to the pantry. I sat in front of Siwon, my head still low, I was holding back my tears. Will this be the last time I have dinner together with my Wonnie? I can’t even think about it. I really want him, I want to be with him, I want him to live a long time, I want to love him all my life and I want to be by his side forever.

Kim-jibsa and another maid, brought out our dinner, fillet mignon, Siwon’s favorite. Truthfully, I can’t even swallow the water I drank a second ago, how am I going to eat this? I just stared at the food, holding the knife and fork in my hands. I was just playing with the asparagus on my plate. Suddenly, Siwon held out his hand, took my plate and exchanged his plate to me, the meat on his plate before already cut in small pieces, “Please, Kyu... eat.” eventhough he’s mad at me, he’s still can’t stop being the gentlemen he is, he cut the meat for me. I’m in love with him all over again.

Well, I’m not in the mood to argue over small matters. So I just nodded when he told me to eat, and put a piece in my mouth. While chewing the meat slowly, I noticed that Siwon was actually looking at me but not touching his food at all. “A-aren’t you eating?” He just shook his head. “Why?” I asked him in a low voice. But he just replied “Just eat. I’ll accompany you until you’ve finished eating.”

I smilled bitterly, “You really want to make sure that I leave after I’m finished eating, don’t you?” I saw him touching his forehead, frowning but still looking at me, “Just eat your food, Kyu.”

After putting the last meat in my mouth, Siwon drank the water in front of him and said, “Take your time, please get ready to go back to your apartment. The driver and the car is waiting up front.” Then he stood and left me, again.

I know, I should’ve been hurt by his words, beacuse he was throwing me out of his house. But I can’t be hurt, I have to be patient. This is Siwon’s life  at stake.

I thanked Kim-jibsa who’s waited for me since earlier. I have to try speaking to Siwon again. I have to convince him to receive my kidney.

 I knocked on Siwon’s bedroom door a few times, no answer, “Siwonnie, let me in...”  I slowly turned the door knob, but it was locked. “Siwon, please... let me talk to you.” Is he asleep already? Is he is pain? Oh nooo... I started panicking, “Siwon, Siwon... are you alright!?”

I knocked his door louder, and suddenly I heard a ‘click’ sound, then the door opened. I looked at Siwon’s face, I knew he was crying just now. What’s going on? Why does he want me to leave him but he kept on crying himself.

“May I come in?” He just nodded and give way for me to go in. Then he sat on the edge of his bed.

I pulled up a chair, and sat in front of Siwon, after gathering my courage again, I started talking, “ Siwonnie, please, don’t get angry, just hear me out. Please...?” He put his elbows on his tighs as covering his face with both his hands. I continued, “I-I still love you, so much. I-I’m still in love with you, I mean it. And I want you to accept my kidney, not because I’m crazy or I want to die, but it’s because I want to live a long life with you. Really... But of course if that’s what you wanted too. A-and I’ll go back to Seoul, even request a transfer to just have domestic flights, so I can go home to you everyday and be with you. Even, if you want me to quit my job, well... I’ll do it. I’ll take care of you and the girls. I’m willing to do it for you, Siwonnie... S-So, please, please... let me be you donor.”

Siwon sighed, with his swollen puffy eyes, he looked at me, but there was no more anger in his eyes, but deep sadness. Why is he sad after I said that? Does he not want me anymore? Suddenly I feel light headed.

I saw Siwon reaching out to take the framed picture of his two daughters from the side table, and handed it to me. As he pointed to his elder daughter, “This is Bella, my adopted daughter...”

I still don’t get what he wants to say to me, why is he all of the sudden mentioning about his daughters, but I tried to keep my mind focused, and nodded in response, then he pointed to his younger daughter, “And this is Sheila...”

I nodded and cut him saying “Sheila? She is very beautiful... and cute. I-I think I fell in love at the first sight with her.” Not realizing that I smiled widely looking at Sheila’s picture.

Siwon stiffened, and pulled his hand from that frame, and he entwined his fingers, like he was nervous of something. I just kept looking at him and frowned, “What’s wrong?”

And he continued saying “S-Sheila... her name is C-Choi Sheila.” *silent* he looked down to his hands.

“A-and...?” I'm getting curious.

“... ...”

“Siwon...?” Actually, what is he wants trying to say?

“S-sheila...”

"... ..."

"... ..."

“Choi Siwon...!”

He looked at me with his puffy eyes now, “S-she is my r-real daughter.”

~~~~