I didn’t love Jin.

But I had feelings for him. Not very serious feelings, but enough for me to want to avoid him like the plague.

I wished it could be as easy to avoid Jin in my thoughts as it was in real life.

I couldn’t say when it first started. Jimin probably knew before I did. I was aware that Jin’s feelings for me were a constant source of insecurity for Jimin, but he knew me. He knew me better than I knew my own self, sometimes.

I’d noticed it, though. Thought maybe it was true, what Jimin accused me of. I didn’t love Jin, but I wasn’t disgusted by his confession. It didn’t make me awkward around him. At first, I pitied him, but then I was touched by his devotion to me. Devotion that even my husband couldn’t rival.

Well, sometimes I felt that way. But I knew a six year unrequited love was very different than a six year relationship. Jimin was devoted to me in ways Jin could never be.

I had thought that the nervous tingles I got around Jin were because I felt uncomfortable around him since I knew he loved me. He would touch me so often, tucking my hair behind my ear, kissing my forehead, trailing lingering fingers down my arm.

Namjoon said I looked like I was in love with him.

I didn’t think so. I still didn’t think so.

But the other night, at their concert, I’d cringed seeing Jin with Anjali. Seeing him kiss her, and then look up at me.

I had my beautiful husband in my lap, kissing me and telling me I looked gorgeous, but I’d felt a twinge of something, seeing Jin look at me like that when his mouth was on another woman’s.

Jealousy? Lust? Discomfort?

I kept dreaming about him. Confusing dreams, where Jimin would see us holding hands and comment that we looked cute together. I would wake up feeling dazed and fumble around on the bed until I made contact with Jimin’s sleeping body. Holding his hand as an anchor to my reality.

I missed Jimin.

He came home from California all sun-kissed and smiley. I decided to pick him up at the airport; Taehyung watched the kids for me.

I wanted to have Jimin all to myself, just for a little while.

I waited nervously in the airport terminal, peering around for a glimpse of him. Fangirls had lined up near me, also hoping for a peek of Jimin. Some talked to me, but most took pictures or ignored me. I had my share of anti-fans. Some people just didn’t like to see their idols married.

“Excuse me.” A soft voice spoke next to me. I turned my head to see a girl who looked to be in her early twenties staring bashfully up at me.

“Yes?”

“Are you Park Jimin’s wife?” She asked, blinking curiously at me.

“Um…yes. I am.” I admitted reluctantly. Didn’t all of his fangirls already know that? What was the point of asking?

“Oh, I love your book!” She gushed. I stepped back as she grabbed onto my arm. “It was so cute! At first, I was upset that Jimin had gotten married, but then when I read your book, I realized how much you loved him.”

A murmur of agreement came from behind us. I turned to see several girls watching me and nodding their heads.

“Yeah, I didn’t think you were good enough for him, but then I read your book.” One girl said.

“Yes, you’re not very…refined.” Another girl said slowly, contemplating me. “And you’re rather large. I always wanted to see Jimin with a small girl, but you really do love him.”

“Thanks for your support.” I said politely.

“Your kids are cute.” A short girl in the front piped up. The guy standing next to her nodded. “Haru looks like Jimin.”

“I read an article that you’re getting a divorce. Is that true?” A youngish guy asked from behind the couple. He had a hairstyle like Jimin’s.

“No.” I said softly. “It’s not.”

“Were you going to get a divorce and then changed your mind?” He persisted. “I read an article about it.”

“Okay, well, celebrity news is often a bunch of lies, so if I’m telling you that we’re not getting a divorce, you can believe me.” I tried to stay patient, but these kids were testing my nerves. “I’m his wife. I would know better than anyone whether or not we’re getting a divorce.”

“Baby?”

I spun around and came face-to-face with Jimin. He had on a black face mask and a black snapback, but underneath that I could tell he seemed surprised to see me.

“Hi.” I said breathlessly. “I came to pick you up.”

“I can see that.” He reached out a hand and drew me to him. “I missed you.”

His manager and a couple of bodyguards stood behind him, fending off the fans that suddenly swarmed around us.

“Jimin!” They screamed. “I love you! You’re so handsome! I love you so much!”

Jimin tucked me safely into his side and pulled the brim of his cap down to further obscure his face.

See, I never picked Jimin up at the airport because he never wanted me to experience the crazy crush of fans as he tried to exit. He said he’d rather I waited for him at home, so he knew I would be safe. But I felt like I needed to see him. His firm grip on my waist anchored me back to myself, back to our life together.

I felt protected and loved.

Jimin smiled when I wrapped my arm around his waist and pulled him close. Although I couldn’t see his mouth, I could tell he smiled because his cheeks pushed up and his eyes smiled, too.

In one swift movement, he tugged down his mask and turned his head to kiss my temple, the brim of his hat knocking over my bun.

“I missed you.” He whispered again as cameras flashed around us. “Thanks for coming to get me.”

“I missed you more.” I replied honestly. “I almost got on a plane and followed you to Cali.”

“Aww, babyyyy.” He cooed, throwing his arms around my neck. I blushed and tried to push him away as he nuzzled his nose into my hair.

“People are watching us.” I hissed. “Your fans are taking pictures!”

“Let them watch.” Jimin whispered, taking my chin in his hand and turning my face towards him. “I wanna let the whole world know that I will only ever love you.”

I felt my heart break as he kissed me. It was a sweet, smiley little kiss (Jimin knew better than to do anything more in front of the cameras), but it was full of sincerity.

In that moment, I started to hate myself.

There were many enthusiastic kisses and hugs from Haru and Yukon when we arrived home. Haru had missed her daddy. Jimin refused to put Sun Jae down, so he wrapped him up on his chest and took a million selfies, one of which made it to Instagram.

I sat on the couch and braided Haru’s hair, feeling happier than I had in a while. It was nice to see Jimin so sunshiney and effervescent. Wonderful, really. Made me question whether or not I really had to tell him what I planned on telling him.

“I wanna let the whole world know that I will only ever love you.” His words echoed in my mind. We’d made a promise to only ever love each other, and here I was, bringing someone else into the mix. I didn’t love Jin, but I didn’t only have friendly feelings for him.

I got tingles whenever he was around.

Just like the tingles I used to get whenever Jimin was around, back when we first started dating.

“Mama?” Haru interrupted my thoughts.

“Yes, baby.”

“Can we play a princess game?”

“Sure, love.”

We moved to sit on the floor and Haru and her faithful sidekick, Yukon, looked up earnestly at me.

“Okay, Mama, let’s play The Little Mermaid. I’m gonna be Ariel and you gonna be…uh, the sea witch.”

I nodded in a very serious manner. “Okay. I’m Ursula.”

“Okay. Ready? Go.”

She stared at me for a moment, then spoke as Ariel.

“I wan’ you to make me a hooman.”

“Why do you wanna be a human?” I asked, smiling.

“No, Mama, you have to be mean to me.” She whispered.

“I don’t want to be mean to you.” I whispered back, bopping her nose.

“You haaaave to.” She whined. “You’re the witch!”

“Okay.” I put on my best stern face. “Why do you wanna be a human?”

“Because there’s this prince and I like him.” Haru said shyly.

“Oh? What’s his name?” I crossed my legs and looked expectantly at her.

Haru ducked her head down and a few stray curls slipped out of her pigtail braids. “Prince Eric.”

“How’d you meet him?”

“He fell into the sea.” Haru explained. “An’ I saved him. So make me a hooman so we can get married.”

“Married?” I exclaimed. “Do you guys even know each other?”

“I met him in the sea!” Haru rolled her eyes in exasperation. “I tol’ you that!”

“Did you guys talk? Humans can’t breathe underwater.”

“Uh, we didn’ talk. He was sleeping.”

“So how do you know you love him?” I asked.

“Because I do.” She clasped my hands. “I love him and I wanna marry him. So make me a hooman.”

“But you don’t even know him.” I said patiently. “You didn’t even talk to him. How do you know you’ll like him?”

“We’ll talk and then we’ll like each udder.” Haru said, blinking at me with her long eyelashes.

“But what if you don’t? What if you talk and you don’t like each other?”

Jimin giggled from the kitchen, where he was heating up apple cider.

“Mama, it’s Haru talking.” Haru whispered to me. “You have to make me a hooman.”

“I don’t want to.” I told her.

“Mamaaaaa!”

“Fine, fine.” I pretended to be Ursula again. “Okay, I’ll make you a human but I’m gonna take your voice.”

“No.” Haru refused. “How can I talk to Prince Eric?”

“I’m only gonna give you legs if you give me your voice.”

“Nooooooo.” She whined, kicking her legs.

“Fine, then I’m not gonna make you a human.”

Haru pretended to give me her voice. “Okay, now you be Prince Eric.”

“Apple cider’s ready!” Jimin called, saving me from playing The Little Mermaid any longer. I’d had about enough of these Disney princesses.

“Yay! Apple cider, apple cider!” Haru cheered as she raced into the kitchen. Yukon ran after her, white tail wagging like it would never stop.

Jimin smiled at me from over the brim of his mug.

“It’s nice to be home.” He said softly. “Mm, I missed you guys.”

“Missed you, Daddy!” Haru said happily. “And now you home!”

“Home for a long time, cherry blossom.” Jimin affectionately ruffled her hair. “Daddy doesn’t have a schedule for a while.”

“Oh, yeah? How come?” I picked up my steaming mug and gently blew on the cider inside.

He shrugged and Sun Jae’s head. “Just happened that way. Bangtan has stuff to do, but since my album is basically done, I just have to develop choreography for some songs. Boss says we probably won’t release it for a while, since he doesn’t want it to coincide with Bangtan’s comeback.”

I took a sip of my cider. Maybe I shouldn’t tell him. Maybe I could just try to make the feelings go away on my own. But he would know, wouldn’t he?

“I thought we could go on a trip.” Jimin said quietly, wrapping his hands around his mug. He didn’t look at me, but instead fixed his gaze on the table. “Just you and me. To Italy?”

I took another sip to delay my response.

“What do you think?” His voice was soft, tentative. “You wanna go?”

“Can I come?” Haru asked innocently, with a cute little tilt of her head.

Jimin flicked his gaze up to mine, serious brown eyes staring at me.

“Please?” He whispered.

I dropped my gaze down and nodded, once.

Soon after that, I excused myself and went into our bedroom. I sat with my knees against my chest, head buried in the soft material of my sweatpants. Jimin’s sweatpants.

Out in the hallway, I could hear Jimin trying to coax Haru to take a nap. She’d become resistant to naps recently, but we liked having a rested Haru. She was always cute, but not as cute when cranky.

Jimin came in a little while later, surprisingly Sun Jae-less.

“I put him in his crib.” He answered my quizzical look. “He fell asleep on me. Luckily, he didn’t wake up when I put him in there.”

He sat down next to me on the bed and placed a warm hand on my back.

“What’s the matter, love? What’s got you down?" Jimin moved closer and kissed my ear.

“You’re so confusing.” I murmured into my sweatpants. “One minute, you’re all mad at me and also telling me that you’re not gonna give up your career for me, and then the next you’re trying to whisk me off to Italy.”`               

“I thought you’d be happy.” He said in subdued voice. I moved my head to the side, cheek rubbing against soft fabric, and caught him running his thumb along the smooth metal of his wedding ring. “You’re always talking about how you want to travel, but I’m offering you a trip and you’re less than enthusiastic. This isn’t about my career and you know it. You just don’t want to hang out with me.”

“No, it’s not that! Jimin, it’s not that, I swear. I love spending time with you and I love that you want to go to Italy together. I just….” I dropped my head back onto my knees. “I have to tell you something.”

Jimin removed his hand from my back and scooted away from me. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“You don’t even know what it is.” I said.

“I can tell by your tone and general demeanor that it’s going to make me sad.” He said dolefully.

“Baby, you don’t know that.” I reached for his hand, but he slipped it away from me.

“Don’t butter me up with petnames.” Jimin cast sharp eyes on me. He looked tired, probably jet-lagged. Maybe now wasn’t a good time.

“I’ll tell you later.” I murmured. “When did you wanna go to Italy?”

“Never.” He said sullenly. “Not with you, anyway.”

“I like Jin!” I blurted out. My cheeks immediately flushed scarlet and a sudden silence fell.

Jimin stared down at his hands and said nothing for a long while. I took a breath to say something to explain, but he lifted two fingers and gently pressed them against my lips.

“I know.” He said softly. “Why’d you have to tell me? I already know.”

“I don’t love him.”

Jimin scoffed. “Thanks. That’s such a comfort. What, do you just wanna sleep with him?”

I grabbed a pillow from behind me and buried my face in it. “Yeah.” I admitted in a quiet, muffled voice.

Jimin snatched the pillow away from me and bonked me on the head with it.

“.” He hissed. “Don’t ing tell me you have feelings for another man.”

He continued to whack me with the pillow. “What are you trying to accomplish by letting me know? You want to hurt me? You want a divorce? Should we go sign our divorce papers in Italy, the place where we got married? Huh? Is that what you want?”

“I just – thought – you should know.” I huffed, blocking his rather gentle blows with my arms. “I thought it would be fair!”

“I already know!” He whisper-shouted. “I already ing know!”

“How do you know?” I cried, pushing the pillow away. “Jimin, how do you know when I didn’t know until this weekend?”

“Because you’re my wife.” He threw the pillow to the floor and looked sulky. “I know what you look like when you fall in love someone, because I watched you fall in love with me.”

“I’m not in love with him.” I repeated adamantly. “Jimin, I love you.”

He shook his head. “Ah, not as much. Not as much.”

Jimin took my hand and laced our fingers together. His voice cracked when he spoke, but he didn’t cry. I had kind of expected him to cry when I told him, but he surprised me by remaining calm.

“I want to do right by you.” Jimin’s voice was infinitely tender. He rubbed his thumb up and down my pointer finger, holding my hand ever so gently. “What is it you want? What will make you happy?”

I squeezed his palm against mine and dropped my head onto his shoulder, the beginnings of tears forming in my eyes. “You make me happy.”

“I don’t.” He said sadly. “Not anymore.”

He rested his chubby cheek on top of my hair. We often cuddled like this before bed, or when just waking up. And sometimes when we watched television late at night, when the kids were asleep.

There weren’t normally tears dropping into my hair on these occasions. I knew he would cry, and I was sad to be right.

Jimin sniffled. “Baby, I love you so much. I know you don’t think so anymore, but I do. I really do. I just…I don’t know, I got sad. I know I’ve ed up in the past year, but like, ah…did it really have to come to this? Did you really need to fall for one of my closest friends?”

I snuggled closer to him and he nuzzled his nose into my hair, probably leaving a trail of snot and tears.

“I don’t even know how it happened, Jimin.” I said as I pressed my side against his. “I just…he just touched me one day and I felt all tingly inside.”

“Shut up, don’t describe it.” Jimin ordered. “You’re twisting the knife in my ing heart.”

“I’m just saying, I didn’t fall for him! I just…I just have like, I don’t know…” I trailed off sheepishly.

“ual feelings.” Jimin finished. He stiffened a bit.

“I like the attention.” I muttered. “I don’t wanna, like, jump his bones.”

“You just told me you did.”

“Well, I don’t! Not…not really.”

Jimin huffed and leaned his head back, accidentally banging it against the headboard. “What do you want? Tell me seriously and honestly. What do you want?”

I thought for a while. “What are my options? I don’t understand what you’re asking me.”

“What do you want?” Jimin asked again. “It’s not a life or death question. I just want to know what you’re looking for in life, and if I can give it to you.”

I sighed and leaned in closer to him. “I want to be twenty-three again.” I said softly.

Jimin hummed.

“I want…to wake up next to you and feel so blessed and lucky, instead of sad. I want to be chased around the apartment, and then smothered in kisses when I’m finally caught. I want to have movie marathons with you, ones where we stay up way too late watching Monty Python and eating stale popcorn. I want to lay in bed with our babies and plan our future together. Where we’re going to live, what we’re going to do. Who we’re going to be in ten years, because I feel like I need to plan that out so I can have some hope of a future where we are together and happy. Jimin, I just want us to be okay. That’s all I want.”

Jimin kissed my hair. “So why did you tell me about Jin?” He murmured into it. “Why’d you bring him into the picture?”

“Because I knew you already knew.” I said miserably.

“Do you love him?” He asked in a soft voice. “That I can’t figure out.”

“No, no. Jimin, I just miss you. I miss you so much.” I let go of his hand and threw my arms around him. He patted me on the back and sighed heavily into my hair.

“I want to be with you.” I whispered into his chest.

He sighed again. “I don’t…I don’t know if I want to be with you right now.” He said hesitatingly. “I don’t know if that’s…you just told me you want to sleep with my friend, I can’t just…”

“Okay.” I blinked and tears fell against his shirt. “I understand.”

“I’m very hurt.” Jimin continued. “I knew it, but it’s still a blow to hear you say it out loud.”

“I’m sorry.” I grasped his shirt tightly in my fingers, unwilling to let him go. Wishing I had never told him.

“I mean, how would you feel if I suddenly told you I wanted to sleep with Ji Eun?”

I laughed in spite of the situation. “I wouldn’t believe you.”

“Okay, so…Sul, then. What if I told you I got all tingly whenever Sul touched me? That I had ual desires for her?”

I said nothing.

“Exactly.” Jimin said quietly. “I’m not mad, I’m just…hurt.”

“I didn’t mean for it to happen.” I said in a small voice.

“But it did. It happened. And you told me about it, so now I can’t pretend it didn’t. That it’s not still happening.”

He kissed my hair and extricated himself from my grasp. I watched him leave the room, and soon after I heard the squeak of the shower faucet.

He’d already taken a shower that day. I supposed he just wanted an excuse to spend some time alone.

I sat on the couch in the living room and waited for him to come out. Yukon laid down next to me and rested his head in my lap, softly sighing. Jimin took a long time in the shower, but when he walked back from the bathroom to the bedroom, he spotted me on the couch and gave me a quick nod. Like we were acquaintances greeting each other.

Jimin didn’t come out from the bedroom.  I sat perched on the edge of the couch for a long while, my fingers gripping the cushion, but he never came out.

I went in to discover him sitting cross-legged on the bed, strumming his old guitar. He had his bangs tied back in a little topknot, which I always found adorable. Black roots melted into blonde hair, but I thought it looked y.

The song he played was familiar to me, a melancholy tune by an indie band I liked, Isbells. My Apologies, it was called. Jimin began to sing, and I stood in the doorway, listening.

“All my vows are left in vain. I’m thinking about letting go, and give away promised glory days.” He glanced up at me and held my gaze as he sang the chorus.

“I had love to spare, and it was meant for you. A tender kiss and a sweet, sweet word is what I need from you.”

I cast my eyes down and blinked away a few tears as Jimin continued to sing.

“Most of all, what I desire is absolution. And one more try to make things right. You gave up on me. A broken heart, and eventually, for what it’s worth, I give you my apologies. For everything I’ve said and done, my apologies. For every time I let you down, my apologies.”

Jimin shifted as I sat down next to him on the bed, giving me a small, wistful smile.

“I had love to spare, and it was meant for you.” He sang, staring into my eyes. “A tender kiss and a sweet, sweet word is what I need from you. You gave up on me. A broken heart, and eventually, for what it’s worth, I give you my apologies. My apologies.”

He strummed the last few words and then rested his forehead on the side paneling of the guitar, a sigh flowing out of him.

“I know I’ve ed up.” Jimin began in a heavy voice. “I know I’ve hurt you and I’m so sorry. But did you ever doubt, even for a moment, that I didn’t truly love you? You must know that you are my life.”

He looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes. “Please, don’t…don’t leave me. I don’t think I could live happily without you.”

I scooted closer and cradled his head in my arms. “Jimin, are you living happily with me?”

“We’ll get through it.” He whispered into my neck. “We always get through it.”

“I’m not going to leave you.” I promised. “You’re my home, Jimin.”

We stayed up into the night, lying together in bed and talking. Whispering, really. Catching up on all the things we hadn’t truly talked about in a year, not without a fight.

It was as if my honest confession had broken a dam between us.

Did I like Jin? Yes.

But I loved Jimin so much more.

He whispered something to me, as the sun broke through the blinds and Sun Jae’s first early morning cry broke the peaceful silence.

“I’m gonna watch you fall back in love with me.” Jimin half-smiled as he tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. “Maybe I’ll watch you fall in love with Jin, but mark my words, one of these days, I’ll win you back over with my ineffable charm and childlike laughter.”

He rested his forehead against mine and kissed me very softly. “Or my unerring devotion to you. Jin will have nothing on me by the time I’m through wooing you.”

“I already love you.” I told him, smiling against his mouth. He kissed me again.

“You’ll love me more than you ever have, and better than you ever thought you could.” Jimin promised. “Because I’m going to love you more than I ever have, and better than I ever thought I could.”

“You swear?” I quirked an eyebrow at him.

“I swear.” Jimin breathed, hands straying to my waist. He pulled me close and we laid there until Sun Jae’s cries demanded to be answered.