Jimin decided to drive me to Busan before he left on his tour. I didn’t want to go, but apparently, it was non-negotiable. I couldn’t take care of myself or Haru and all of Bangtan would be gone on tour for three weeks. He was missing not only our real wedding anniversary, but also the anniversary of our first date. He’d make it to our fake wedding anniversary, but I didn’t even care about that one.

I didn’t want to go to Busan because I knew his parents would be able to hear me crying at night. At least in my own home, the only other occupants were a child and a dog, and Haru always fell asleep before I let myself cry. Yukon comforted me, though. He’d always liked to away my tears.

Normally, the five or so hour drive to Busan with Jimin was a happy one, but at the moment, I felt rather trapped. Haru had fallen asleep in the backseat and Yukon putzed around in his little crate. We’d left very early and very suddenly in the morning and Jimin planned on flying back to Seoul so he could practice before the tour began. He’d woken up with the idea and didn’t care to listen to my protests.

“You’re pregnant and on bedrest. You can’t take care of a three year old and a dog and yourself. You need help.”

“Hmm, kinda what I thought I had a husband for.” I snapped back at him. I grumpily stayed under the covers while he packed for all three of us. Yukon required more packing than the average dog. He had a lot of toys; we liked to spoil him.

Now, we were stuck in the car together and I couldn’t think of a damn thing to say.

“Do you want me to bring you back anything from America?” Jimin asked in a fake light-hearted voice.

“No.” I replied sullenly. I pulled the hood of my sweatshirt up and hid my face behind it.

“Alright.” He heaved a sigh and shuffled his fingers through his hair, one hand gripped tightly onto the steering wheel. “I’m sorry I’m missing our anniversaries.”

“Whatever.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“Okay.” I stared out the window and willed the tears to stay in my tear ducts. Damn angry crying. Damn pregnancy ing up my tough exterior.

“I love you.” He said softly. I felt his eyes on me.

I grunted in response.

“Grandpa!” Haru shrieked three hours later, running across the gravel driveway to catapult herself into her grandfather’s arms.

I stood there uselessly while Jimin carried in the bags. I couldn’t lift a damn thing because of the doctor’s orders. Being on bedrest made me feel like a waste of space and like an incubator for my unborn child. I literally had no other purpose in life except to relax so my baby could be born safely. Of course, I wanted my baby to arrive into the world with minimal suffering, but I would have liked to be able to sleep without having to do so in a specific, “best for the baby” kind of position.

Jimin’s dad was the only one home at the time and he was in a rush to join his wife at the family restaurant. All I received as a greeting was a quick kiss and a, “Glad you’re here, sweetheart,” before he jetted out of the house.

Haru and Yukon occupied themselves with wrestling on the living room floor while Jimin and I went upstairs to his old bedroom.

I had many fond memories of his bedroom. A lot of late night cuddling sessions had taken place in that bed, as well as a lot of great .

Those memories were nice, but what I remembered the most were all the chats we’d had in his bed throughout our relationship. For some reason, Jimin was always very open and vulnerable with me when we were in this bedroom.

“Alright, baby, I’m off.” Jimin had barely set down the suitcases when he turned to me with a small smile on his face. “I’ll call you, okay? Every night.”

I sat down on the edge of his bed, examining my fingernails. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see an old picture of me and Jimin peeking out from underneath his bed. I knew he kept a box of photos from his past under there, but I’d never really looked through it since we started dating.

I looked up as his rough, warm hand caressed the side of my face. His warm brown eyes shone down at me and I felt a little pang of love. His orange hair fell slightly in his face and I reached up to brush it out of the way.

Jimin kissed my forehead. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

I bent my head down, my long bangs covering my eyes. He rested his hand on my hair and pulled my head closer to him, enfolding me in a strange, comfortable hug.

“I love you.” He whispered. I bit my lip, on the verge of tears. I wanted to tell him I loved him, to apologize for being so stand-offish, to thank him for making sure I would be safe while he was gone, but the words got stuck in my throat and I swallowed around them, wishing I didn’t have to say goodbye.

Jimin turned to leave, but at the last moment, I held onto his shirt. Tears came unbidden to my eyes and I struggled to tide off the overwhelming sense of loneliness that threatened to overtake me.

“Don’t go.” I pleaded in a hushed, tearful voice. “God, please, don’t go, Jimin.”

He gently pried my fingers off of his shirt and crouched down to look me in the eye. His hand cupped my face and I leaned into it, craving his touch and his company. I didn’t want to let him go.

“Hey, hey.” Jimin said soothingly, eyes searching my face. “It’s only three weeks, hmm? I’ll be back before you know it. You won’t even miss me.”

“I miss you all the time.” I whispered, pulling him closer. I circled my arms around his neck and tucked my face into the crook of his neck. “Don’t go. Please, baby, don’t go.”

“I have to.” Jimin rubbed my back and feathered light kisses on my ear.

I wrapped my legs around him in response. “I won’t let you leave. I’m gonna stick to you until you agree to stay.”

He let out a husky little laugh. “That’s very sweet, baby, but I’m going to miss my flight.”

I tugged him closer, curling into his body in an attempt to convey my desperation.

“Jimin, please. I need you to stay.”

I waited for an answer for one, two tense heartbeats. Finally, Jimin sighed and broke away from me, pulling back so he could see my face. I searched his eyes for any sign of agreement, but he closed them and touched his forehead to mine.

“I can’t.” His words were soft, but held a note of finality.

I nodded and let go of him, collapsing back onto the sheets. I felt his gaze rest heavily on me, but I ignored him and curled in on myself, struggling to keep it together until I heard his footsteps echo out of the room.

“I love you.” Jimin whispered to me before he closed the door.

“Not as much as you used to.” I whispered into the empty room.

I could hear him downstairs saying goodbye to Haru. She clung to him as well, pleading and crying for him to stay. He spoke to her in soothing words, the same way he did with me. I felt a vague, far away sense of guilt about making his goodbyes difficult, but I didn’t feel it enough to go downstairs to comfort either one of them.

Sadness made me selfish and I had barely enough love to left in me to comfort myself.

The front door closed and Haru sniffled and called out for me, but I pulled the blanket over my head, trying to shut everything out. I didn’t want to hear anything, didn’t want to feel anything.

I just wanted to cry.

Gentle taps on the door and Haru’s tearful little voice made me want to scream. I just wanted a goddamn minute to myself so I could weep over the loss of my husband’s unrivaled affection, but I couldn’t because I was a mother, not just a wife.

I had never been just a wife.

“Mama, is you crying?” Haru tapped again on the door. “Mama, don’t be sad. Daddy said him be home soon, okay? He said not to be sad because he loves us very much.”

I pressed my hands over my ears and wept, trying to stifle the sound with a pillow, but I could hear Haru begin to cry again on the other side of the door.

“Jimin.” I choked out into the pillow. “Jimin, I need you.”