It had become depressing to stand in my hallway. Framed pictures of Jimin and I stared down cheerfully from the wall, mocking me with their happiness.

Mocking me with the love that would never be mine again.

“Mama?” Haru’s small hand tucked itself into mine. “What you lookin’ at?”

“Daddy.” I replied.

“I love Daddy.” Haru said simply. I envied her certainty.

“Me too.” I murmured, staring at a picture of twenty year old Jimin, helping me blow out my birthday candles. “He’s a good man.”

“I’m gonna marry Daddy.” She declared.

“Not Uncle Jin?” My eyes flicked to another picture. The two of us with my grandparents, right before my grandfather died. I learned later that Jimin had asked my grandfather for permission to marry me the day that picture was taken.

“No. Not Uncle Jin. I love Daddy more.”

“Mmm.” I hummed. “Too bad I’m already married to Daddy.”

“You can marry Uncle Jin, Mama.” Haru suggested innocently.

I squeezed her hand. “I think I’ll stay married to Daddy.”

Haru swung our hands back and forth, sweet little giggles erupting from . She had the habit of throwing herself forward when she laughed, just like her father.

Jimin stepped out from our bedroom with a suitcase and a smile on his face. His flight for California would leave in a few hours; his manager was on her way to take him to the airport. The night before, he’d offered again for me to come. I hadn’t replied, but instead pretended to be sleeping.

“You’re doing laundry?” He asked in surprise. Normally, we sent out the laundry to be done to a fancy cleaners in Gangnam. Jimin had expensive clothes that needed to be cleaned a certain way, but I’d decided to wash his home clothes before he left.

“Yeah.” I looked back at the wall of pictures. One of Jimin performing on stage, lifting his shirt for their original trademark song, sharp eyes even sharper as he made a y expression.

Jimin hummed, a small, dissatisfied sound.

“What?” I asked absentmindedly.

“You’re not going to sleep in my clothes?” His voice was soft.

I turned my head and met his eyes for the briefest of moments. His eyes held too much sadness to hold my gaze for long.

“You’ll be back soon.” I murmured. “Right?”

“Right.” He echoed hollowly, scratching the back of his head. “I’ll be back in a few days.”

“Say hi to Jay Park for me.” I tried to smile at him. It was hard.

Jimin set his suitcase down on the ground and gently pulled me into a hug. Haru squawked in amusement as she got dragged into it, our hands still tightly clasped.

“You gonna miss me?” Jimin said sympathetically into my hair.

I let go of Haru’s hand and put my arms around his waist. “Yeah.”

It was true. I would miss him. But, I missed him less when he was away. It was harder when he was here, when we were right next to each other, living our day to day lives, together but somehow, still apart.

I missed him more when he held me and I couldn’t feel anything.

“I love you so much, baby.” Jimin breathed. His warm breath tickled my hair. He smelled good, like AXE and face wash. An ancient smell, it felt like. A nostalgic scent that tried to draw up sweet memories, but they were too deeply buried beneath the bitter memories of more recent months.

“I love you, too.” I whispered automatically. “Go and come back safely.”

Jimin turned his head and kissed me very gently. I suddenly wanted to cry.

He left and I decided to clean the apartment. It needed a good cleaning. Not like dusting or anything, but packing up old clothes that neither of us wore anymore. I usually donated mine or offered them to Ji Eun and Sul. Jimin sometimes gave them away to s or the staff. He wore such expensive clothes that he felt it was a waste to throw them away, even if they were no longer the current trend.

Haru read books out loud to her buddies in her bedroom. She couldn’t read, but she liked looking at the pictures and making up stories to go along. I left my door open so I could hear her cute voice.

Sun Jae lay in the middle of my bed, awake and on a stuffed crab toy.

All in all, it was a quiet day. Ji Eun wanted to come over to hang out after the kids went to sleep, so I decided to get all the cleaning done before then.

A quiet knock at the door surprised me. I scooped Sun Jae up into my arms and placed him in his bassinette, unwilling to leave him unsupervised on my bed.

Haru scampered out of her room. “Who’s here, Mama? Is it Daddy?”

“I don’t think so, love.” I said. “Go wait in your room, okay?”

She obeyed and I closed the door behind her.

Yukon accompanied me to the front door, little white paws tripping over my feet in his eagerness to keep pace with me.

Another knock, and then I opened the door. Seokjin stood there with a sheepish expression and a glass container full of food.

A little startled heart-jump of surprise at the soft, sweet, apologetic look in his eyes.

“Sorry.” He half-smiled. “I’ve been wanting to apologize to you. I was out of line the other night. I don’t know…I got too caught up and didn’t respect your space. Here.”

He offered me the container. Chicken salad, just the way I liked it.

“Thank you.” I stared down at the container. “It’s okay, Jin. We’re, um, we’re okay.”

Seokjin stood there for a few more moments. I continued to stare at the food, willing myself not to cry. It wouldn’t do for Jin to comfort me again, not now.

“Are you okay?” He took my face in his hands and gently wiped away the traitorous tears that had slipped down my cheeks.

I swallowed. “I’m fine.”

Jin hummed sympathetically. “I’m asking as a friend, sunshine. These tears are worrisome to me.”

“I’m just…going through something.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I’ll be o-okay.”

Soft lips on my forehead. Gentle fingers brushing back my hair. Electric currents buzzing through my veins as my heart beat, beat, beat faster and faster.

“Go away.” I whispered, choking down sobs. “Go away, go away, go away.”

Jin stepped back immediately. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize this would bother you, sorry, I was way out of line.”

“No, it’s not you.” I hurriedly dashed away my tears, but they kept on falling. “I mean, it is you, but it’s not your fault.”

A glimmer of understanding shone in Jin’s eyes. I pushed him away, pushed him out the door, and locked it.

“Jin, just go. Please. Don’t say a word.” I leaned my forehead against the door, tears slipping slowly against my hot, flushed cheeks. Yukon whined at my feet. He always hated to see me cry.

I could hear him breathing through the thin wood. I heard his deep sigh, heard the way his breath caught in his throat like he was about to speak. Heard the hesitance in his hand that gently pressed against the door. But I couldn’t hear his heartbeat, and for that, I was grateful.

I didn’t want to hear if it was beating as fast as mine.

“I never meant for this to happen when I confessed to you.” Jin murmured. I imagined his forehead pressed against the door like mine was, imagined that without the thin layer of wood between us, his perfectly formed mouth would be close enough to kiss.

No, no, no, no.

“Yes, you did.” I sniffled, wiping my nose on the edge of my sleeve. “Jin, you’ve wanted this to happen for so long.”

A deep sigh from the other side, then an echoing sniffle. “I just wanted you to be happy. I didn’t want to hurt you.” His voice sounded thick, like he too was crying.

“I love Jimin.” I whispered.

Jin hummed, a soft, sympathetic little sound. “I know you do.”

“I don’t love you.” I turned my head so my cheek was pushed against the cool wood. In my line of vision was a picture of Jimin and me in Italy, at the coliseum. Touristy that he’d begged me to do, and I, being head over heels in love, readily agreed. Willing and eager to do anything to see him smile like he was in that picture.

I sank to the floor and dropped my head into my hands, weeping openly.

Haru scampered out of her room and over to me, where she crouched down and peered worriedly into my face.

“You okay, Mama? You got a oo?” She rested her little hand on my knee. “You want a band-aid? Or a kiss?”

I lifted a shaky hand and patted her curls. “I-I’m okay, li-little love. I’m okay.”

Haru smiled uncertainly at me. “It’s okay to cry, Mama. It’s okay to be sad.”

Jimin told her this whenever she got upset. He’d sit next to her just like she sat next to me, offering her kisses and band-aids, hands soothingly rubbing her back.

He was so good. And I didn’t deserve him. Had never deserved him.

I leaned my head against the door and caught the sound of Jin’s footsteps walking away.

Haru kissed me and brought me a box of tissues. I thanked her and sent her off to her room after many kisses and hugs, telling her Mama needed some alone time.

I sat next to the door for what felt like forever, just crying softly and contemplating my life. How had I let it come to this?

Jimin was my love, my sweet baby boy with sunshiney smiles and a gentle soul. My favorite person in the world.

He was my love. My first beautiful love.

I loved him. I loved him, loved him, loved him.

Yukon laid down next to me and rested his head in my lap. He looked at me with his big, warm, brown eyes every so often, as if to say, “I’m here for you.”

I gave him a hug and whispered that I loved him into his soft white fur.

That night, I took out Jin’s confession letter from my nightstand. I’d read it a few times since he’d given it to me. It was a beautiful letter.

In the bathroom, I lit a match and held it up against the thick, white paper filled with Jin’s neat handwriting. After it caught fire, I dropped it into the sink and watched it burn.

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