I went home early the next morning.

It was hard, standing in front of my familiar apartment door, holding my keys in one hand and my bag in the other. What was waiting for me on the other side of this door? Love or heartbreak?

After debating internally for ten minutes, I turned the key in the lock and let myself in. A whiff of Jimin and Haru and even Yukon hit my nostrils and I stood there for a moment, soaking it in. How long had it been since I’d been home? It was only weeks, but it felt like months.

Jimin was asleep on the couch, arms under his head, my comforter covering his body. Yukon lay curled at his feet. He pricked his ears up when he saw me and ran over, barking happily. Jimin stirred and rubbed his eyes before sitting up. He yawned and stretched before looking over at me.

“Hey.” He said in a scratchy morning voice.

“Hey.” I offered up a small wave.

Jimin ruffled his hair with both hands as he let out another yawn. “Is Haru awake?”

“I haven’t heard her.”

He scratched at the back of his neck. “Do you want breakfast?”

“I ate already.”

He cleared his throat. “Alright then. I guess I’ll get Haru up. Are you taking her to Jin’s or are you getting a hotel? Or are you staying here and you want me to leave?”

“Where would you go?”                                                                                                                       

Jimin shrugged. “I don’t know. Jungkook’s, probably. What do you wanna do?”

“It’s up to you.” I said, playing with the ends of my hair.

“Is it really?” He asked sarcastically. “Because if it were up to me, we would be staying here together, as a family.”

I sighed and rubbed my temples. “Jimin, do you understand what it was like seeing another woman kiss you and you doing nothing about it?”

“What the hell did you want me to do about it?” He asked gruffly. “Punch her? Yell at her? Maybe slap her around a little? I couldn’t do anything about it! I’m not someone who gets into fights.”

I flopped onto the couch next to him, beanie pushing down to cover my eyes.

“I know you’re not.” I said softly. “, I want to believe you so bad, but it’s just so hard. How do I know? How do I know you’re not cheating on me?”

“I’m not cheating on you.” Jimin mumbled, running a hand over his face. “And I’m really tired of having this conversation. Either you believe me or you don’t. Just make up your ing mind and put me out of my misery.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry my indecision is putting you out.” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “It must be so inconvenient for you!”

“Don’t be a .” He snapped.

“You don’t be a .” I retorted, stung. “Don’t call me that.”

“Don’t act like one.” Jimin replied sullenly.

“ you! You know how I feel about men calling women es. I ing hate it! You’re already in hot water, mister. You better watch yourself.”

“’You’re already in hot water, mister.’” Jimin mocked me in a high-pitched voice.

“.” I hissed.

“You’re full of double standards, miss. I can’t call you a , but you can call me every swear word in the book, including .”

“You are a .”

“Takes one to know one.” Jimin taunted.

“Wow, so you’ve just been lying to me this whole time about how you didn’t really think I was a ?” I sat up and fixed him with a glare.

“No. I’m just very angry and disappointed and you’re getting on my last nerve.” He cracked his knuckles and stood. “Well, if we’ve finished this absolutely delightful conversation, I’ll be getting my suitcase.”

Jimin went into the bedroom and left me on the couch, where I moodily scratched behind Yukon’s ears. Jimin didn’t get mad often, but when he did, he was vindictive.

I followed him into the bedroom after a few minutes, kind of looking for a fight.

“What the hell are you mad about?” I asked, leaning against the wall as he rifled through the closet. “It’s not like you caught your life partner making out with someone else.”

“We were not making out.” He snapped, the tips of his ears turning red. “And you’re right, I didn’t. But I did get a really lovely picture of you tangled up in Jin’s sheets, wearing his clothes.”

I scoffed. “You’re kidding, right? Jin? You’re gonna be jealous of Jin? He’s Haru’s godfather.”

“Probably wishes he was her father.” Jimin muttered.

I laughed incredulously. “Are you kidding, Jimin? Are you high?”

He threw a sweatshirt into his suitcase. “Did you notice how he just swooped in as soon as we started having problems? And he was the first person you called? A male friend? Not even Ji Eun? Or Sul, who literally lived fifteen minutes away from the restaurant? You called Jin. And he came.”

“He’s got a girlfriend! He wants us to get back together!”

“Anjali is his booty call. And you’re the one wearing his clothes right now.” Jimin continued doggedly, chucking a pair of Timberlands into his suitcase. I barely registered the fact that Jimin already knew about Anjali.

I tugged at the hem of my sweatshirt. “All my clothes smell like you.” I said in a quiet voice.

Jimin looked up at me then, his eyes hardening. “Ah, so you can’t even stand my smell now? You have to wear another man’s clothes?”

“You’re the one who kissed someone else!” I cried, tearing the sweatshirt over my head and throwing it at him. “You don’t get to be mad right now!”

“I’m losing everything I love because you’re too ing stubborn to listen!” Jimin shouted. “I’m ing pissed! You’re an infuriating, impossible, frustrating little and I love you so much! Stop wearing Jin’s clothes!”

“Stop cheating on me!” I shouted back, hair flying in a disarray around my face. “And then maybe I could wear my own clothes!”

“I’m…not…ing…cheating on you!” Jimin yelled, punctuating each pause with a punch to his suitcase. “Damn it! You’re the one sleeping in another man’s bed!”

“Yeah, I’m having with Jin!” I cried, losing my temper. “This is actually his baby I’m carrying, not yours!”

“Don’t joke about that.” Jimin muttered darkly, his face contorting into an intense glower. He looked positively scary.

“What if I wasn’t joking? What if I really was carrying Jin’s baby?” I challenged.

Jimin was quiet for a while.

“We’d be over.” He said finally, his voice subdued.

“Well, what if you just saw me and Jin kissing? What would you do then?” I continued.

“I don’t know.” Jimin looked over at me, his eyes wide and scared, like a little kid’s.

“Now you know how I feel.” I said softly. “I don’t know what to do. Every time I look at you, I know I love you, but I don’t know if you love me anymore. I can’t trust anything you say because I saw another woman with her lips on yours and I can’t tell if you’re telling the truth or lying.”

“I’m not lying.” He insisted, staring pleadingly into my eyes.

“But how am I supposed to know?” I asked him. “How do I know you’re not lying?”

“I don’t lie to you.” Jimin walked over to stand in front of me. He cupped my face in his hands, abruptly letting go of his anger. He was all gentleness now. “It’s me, baby. I’m your Jimin. I don’t lie to you.”

He pressed his forehead against mine and I looked up into his eyes.

“Jimin, what happened with that woman?” I asked in a whisper.

He took my hands and led me over to the bed, where we both sat. I tried to take my hands back, but he tightened his grip.

“I was her waiter. We saw each other across the table and I felt like she recognized me. I went to go place their order and she asked me where the bathroom was. On my way back to the table, my dad asked me to fill the ladies restroom with some toilet paper. I checked to make sure no one was in there and I thought no one was. When I turned around, Soon Ae was standing in front of me. She said something, I don’t remember what, but it shocked me and she took advantage of the moment to kiss me. I told her I was married, but she kept kissing me. Finally, I dodged her and rinsed my mouth out. She sat on the counter while I did this. She told me I was playing hard to get and I said for her, I was impossible. Then she got mad and pulled me to her and kissed me and then I started pleading with her to stop. And then you walked in.”

I nodded, digesting this information. “Why was your face in her neck?”

“She pushed it down when she heard the door opening.” Jimin explained.

“Did you like kissing her?” I blurted out, searching his eyes for the truth.

He scoffed. “Did you like when Tae Joon forced you to kiss him?”

I flushed. “No.” I mumbled, biting my lip.

“Well, there you have it.” Jimin shrugged.

“Why’d you rinse out your mouth? Why didn’t you leave right away?”

He paused for a moment and I wondered if he was thinking up a clever lie.

“I don’t know.” He said thoughtfully. “I think I just wanted to get her taste out of my mouth as soon as possible.”

I nodded again. “Why’d she ask you to call her? And then she winked at me! The nerve.” I grumbled the last bit to myself.

Jimin flushed. “I think she was just trying to make you angry. She was mad I didn’t want to kiss her because I was married. She, um, was arguing with me about it.”

“What’d she say?”

He hesitated. “I don’t…I don’t want to say.”

My eyes narrowed in suspicion and I drew my hands out of his. “What did she say?”

Jimin saw the look on my face and opened his mouth before closing it again. He shrugged. “She…ah, she said some, um, rude things about you.”

“Like what?”

“It’s rude!” He protested.

“I’m a big girl, I can handle it.” I insisted.

“She said you were fat and had frizzy hair.” Jimin blurted out. “Oh no, wait, I said you had frizzy hair. She said you were frumpy.”

I raised my eyebrows. “You said I had frizzy hair?”

He gaped, obviously flustered. “Ah…I-I mean, you had all the steam in the room, remember? You were all flushed and ?  Just a little frizzy, not anything crazy. Besides, frizzy hair isn’t the end of the world, right? You know I think your hair is gorgeous.” He reached out his fingers to touch my curls. I dodged him and his face fell a little bit.

“Shut up.” I held up my hand. “I have another question.”

Jimin nodded.

“Why were you holding her?”

He looked confused for a second. “When did I hold her?”

“When I walked in!” I cried. “You were holding her and kissing her neck!”

Jimin held up a finger, correcting me. “Wasn’t kissing her neck. I don’t remember holding her. How was I holding her? Like, in my arms? I don’t think that happened.”

“Around her waist, you moron.” I snapped.

Comprehension dawned on his face. “Ohhh. Yeah, she pulled me and I stumbled. Kind of grabbed her for balance.”

“You’re not a clumsy person.” I pointed out. “Are you sure you didn’t use that as an excuse because you wanted to hold her?”

Jimin’s eyes flashed with anger. “Of course I didn’t. I was caught off guard and getting yanked to her. Hardly an opportunity to be graceful.”

“Why didn’t you break away? Why didn’t you stop her?”

“She started kissing me.” He recalled. “I couldn’t.”

“What do you mean you couldn’t? Were your lips superglued to hers?” I bit back sarcastically.

“No! God, you’re so ing rude. I was really taken aback! I didn’t know what to do!”

“You could have pushed her away!” I stood and paced the room anxiously. “You could have stopped her! Why didn’t you? Huh? Did you really want to kiss her?”

Jimin cast his eyes down, looking vulnerable and tired. “I was scared.” He replied in a small voice. “I don’t like Soon Ae. She reminded me of an experience I’d rather forget. When she started kissing me, it was like I was eighteen again, losing my ity to a twenty-two year old in a dark bedroom. I felt as powerless to stop her at twenty-six as I did at eighteen. I mean, it’s not like she forced me to have with her, but when you’ve built up something so much in your mind and your first time is when you’re drunk and nervous and looking for love and you get, I don’t know what. You know that Brand New song ‘Sic Transit Gloria…Glory Fades,’ right? C’mon, I know you had an emo phase.”

I nodded. “The one where he’s singing about having at a party, right?”

“Yeah, and he hates it. That was my first time. Not trying to sound melodramatic or anything, but that’s what it was. It was too soon and I just kind of wanted to hold her.”

“Huh.” I tried to take this in. “I mean, I knew all this, but I didn’t know it was to that level.”

“Well, it was.” Jimin said, a little defensively.

“No, I believe you.”

His face lit up with joy. “You don’t think I cheated on you?”

“I believe you about the ity thing.” I amended, watching the inevitable crush of disappointment on his face.

“Oh.” He said dully. “Well, that’s why I didn’t push her away. I couldn’t.”

I wandered over to his suitcase and starting packing things away neatly. I wasn’t fully aware of what I was doing; I just needed to keep my hands busy, but Jimin seemed to take my actions as something significant.

“So, you still want me to leave?”

His voice sounded so sad and defeated.

“Hmm? No, I’m just straightening up.” I replied absentmindedly.

“What do you think about what I told you?”

“I think…that I’m still thinking about it.” I placed his Timberlands next to a pair of Converse high-tops.

“What more do you need to think about?”

“Well, for one thing, how childish you still are. Is it because you’re still young? I’m not sure.” I said as I calmly folded a sweatshirt. “Even if Jin is in love with me, as you so claim, he hasn’t confessed and he’s never made any inappropriate advances. He was comforting me as a friend. I wore his clothes, but that doesn’t make me his property, as you seem to believe. After all these years, you still want to own me.”

“You’re my wife.” Jimin interjected.

“That doesn’t make me your property.” I said quietly. “Also, I would never cheat on you. I’m not a cheater. We would just get a divorce.”

He just stared sullenly at me.

“I don’t belong to you. We belong to each other, is how I feel. We’re partners, and I’m trying to decide if you did something to breach that partnership. Also, don’t ever call me a . There’s connotations with that word that don’t come with me calling you an , but I’ll stop if it really bothers you.”

Jimin laid back down on the bed and covered his face with his hands.

“You know I feel the same way.” He said in a muffled voice.

“I’m not really sure that you do, because as long as we’ve been together, you’ve been possessive and childish.” I folded a shirt of mine that Jimin had mistakenly thrown into his suitcase.

“And you’ve always been cold and guarded.” He retorted.

“Well, my mother told me marriage didn’t solve your relationship problem, but made them worse.”

“We wouldn’t even be having this conversation if that incident never happened.” Jimin argued.

I shrugged. “It would have come out sooner or later. It always does. We’ve had the same problems from the beginning.”

“So, what are you saying? You want to end it with me?”

I put down the clothes and sat on the edge of the bed, gently running my hand through his hair.

“I think we should go to counseling. We can never fight without saying harsh things, so I think it would be good for us. We can talk about my trust issues and your insecurity issues and maybe make some progress.”

“I don’t want to lose you.” Jimin whispered, catching my hand and bringing it to his lips.

I impulsively leaned down and kissed his forehead. He smiled at me, a shy, sweet smile and I wondered if maybe I did believe him, deep down inside.

“I love you.” He murmured, pulling me down into his embrace. I let him hold me, silently praying that everything between us would work out.