Jimin called a couple of days later. Haru had already been asleep for a few hours, so she wouldn’t be able to talk to him.

I laid down on the old couch in the basement, staring at the phone on the cushion next to me. Jimin’s name flashed across the screen. I wanted to hear his voice, but I didn’t necessarily want to talk to him.

I braced myself before I answered. Jimin was my husband; I loved him. We were married and happy and we loved each other. Our babies were going to be raised in a loving, happy environment.

“Hi.” I answered the phone in a neutral tone.

“Hi.” I could tell Jimin was smiling.

“How’re things? Did you have fun at the concerts?”

“Yeah. Yeah, they were really great. Actually, I took a video of the fans cheering us on and all of us are in the background.” Jimin told me enthusiastically. “Yeah, yeah, you know it’s like, we don’t really get to look at the fans so much because we’re concentrating on dancing and singing and putting on the best show we can. It’s nice to see them in the background, cheering us on.”

I tugged at a loose string in the upholstery, unhappy with the subject material.

“I wish you knew what it felt like to stand on stage.” He said wistfully.

“Mmm.” I hummed noncommittally. “How’s everyone else?”

“Good. Jin and Jungkook say hello. Everyone else is out for the night.”

“Even Namjoon?”

“Oh, yeah. He likes to go out and check out the club scene.”

“Hmm.” I paused. “Jimin, you think he’d ever cheat on Ji Eun?”

“I don’t know.” Jimin replied, clearly taken aback. “Probably not. Besides, TaeTae would kill him.”

Neither of us spoke for a moment or two. I idly perused through an old comic of Jimin’s, not really paying attention to it or my phone conversation.

“Baby.” Jimin suddenly called out to me.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

I threw the comic book down on the coffee table with a sigh. “About what?”

“You know why I’m sorry.” He replied, a little defensively. He didn’t want to say it.

“Yeah, I know.”  I wanted him to say it.

There was a long pause.

“I’m sorry for leaving you.” Jimin told me in a quiet voice.

I lounged back on the couch and ran a hand across my stomach. My baby bump was getting bigger; in a couple of weeks I would be six months pregnant.

“Are you going to talk to me?” He asked, a tad impatiently.

I didn’t respond.

“Fine.” He huffed. “You wanna act cold, act cold. I probably won’t be able to talk to you for a couple of days, so if you wanna fight with me right now, go ahead. Be my ing guest.”

There was a blanket at the edge of the sofa. I pulled it over myself and buried my head in the soft, slightly musty cushions. The first time Jimin and I ever spent the night together happened not too far from this sofa. It was the night of my twenty-third birthday and he held me in his arms all night, then woke me up to see the sunrise on the beach.

Thinking about it, I realized that I couldn’t even remember the last time Jimin and I had gone on a date.

“You knew I had to go on tour.” Jimin tried again in a gentler tone. Whiny, almost. I knew this tone. He wanted me to see it from his side. Wanted me to recognize how important his work was to him. Wanted me to forgive him without him having to change a damn thing. “You know I’d stay if I could.”

“You could, Jimin. You just don’t want to. There’s a difference.” I broke my silence with bitter words.

“Yeah, sure, if I wanted to stop being a performer, I could skip out on my tour. No big deal, just my life’s work down the drain. Just twelve years of hard work leading up to nothing, that’s fine.” Jimin oozed sarcasm. “I’ll be back in two and a half weeks. I’m sure you’ll survive.”

“ you.”

“I called to apologize. Why are you always trying to pick a fight, huh? You wanna fight? Huh? You wanna fight with me, let’s ing fight.”

“I don’t wanna fight.” I yawned lazily and burrowed further under the blanket. “I’m sad and I’m hurt, but that’s really nothing new, so why argue about it?”

“I don’t understand why you’re sad all the time.” Jimin sounded tired. I imagined him pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

“I’m pregnant.”

“You’ve been pregnant before. You weren’t this sad when you were pregnant with Haru.” He pointed out sourly.

“We were newlyweds when I was pregnant with Haru and you weren’t gone all of the time.” I shot back. “Also, I didn’t get hit by a car and have to be on bedrest when I was pregnant with Haru. And we weren’t moving. And you weren’t coming out with a solo album and touring with BTS. We were ing happy and in love and everything was basically ing perfect.”

“You’re not happy? You’re not in love with me?” Jimin immediately jumped to the worst conclusion.

“I’m going to sleep.” I turned and stared up at the ceiling, which was lit up by the dim glow of the television.

“Wait, wait!” Jimin cried desperately into the phone. “Babe, are you not in love with me anymore?”

“I love you.” I said softly. “You know I do.”

He heaved a sigh of relief. “, you nearly gave me a heart attack. God, I thought you were about to tell me you’d fallen out of love with me.”

“I wouldn’t be this sad if I wasn’t in love with you, Jimin.” I murmured.

Jimin sighed. I sighed.

“I’m gonna go.” I said quietly. “I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

“Nah, you won’t. I know you’re not gonna call.” Jimin replied dejectedly. “I’ll see you in a couple of weeks. Love you.”

“I love you, too.”

He hung up and I laid there, absentmindedly rubbing my stomach. My phone started to ring again and I looked down at it, expecting Jimin to call. I let out a small noise of surprise when I saw Young Jae’s name on the screen. I answered immediately.

“Hello?”

“Hey!” Young Jae’s bubbly voice greeted me on the other end of the line. “How are you? I heard you’re in Busan!”

“Uh, yeah. I am. I’m in Busan.”

“Is Jimin around? I’d love to see you guys. And little Haru, god, she’s just too cute. You guys make cute babies.”

“I haven’t even had the second one yet.” I laughed. “No, Jimin’s not here. He’s on tour in the United States.”

“Really? America?” Young Jae sounded impressed. “And you’re here in Busan by yourself? For how long?”

“Three weeks. Give or take a few days.” I wrapped my hair around my finger, wondering where this conversation was going. I didn’t want to talk about my marital problems to Young Jae.

“Well, you wanna hang out, just the two of us?” Young Jae offered.

“Mmm…I don’t know if Jimin would be comfortable with that.” I hesitated.

“Jimin would only be comfortable with you staying in the house with Haru and possibly never leaving.”

I giggled. “Young Jae, you know that’s not true. He’s calmed down over the years.”

“No, he hasn’t. C’mon, let me come over. We’ll just talk for a bit. Maybe watch a movie?”

I drummed my fingers on my stomach, deliberating. “I don’t know. I don’t wanna cross any boundaries.”

“I’ll bring popcorn and Pop Tarts.” He wheedled. “And we can watch The Master’s Sun.”

“Oh my god, I love popcorn and Pop Tarts and The Master’s Sun.” I kicked the blanket in agony.

“Let me come.”

“No.”

“Let me come!”

“No, no. You can’t come.”

“I’m coming.”

“You’re not.”

“I’m putting the popcorn and the Pop Tarts in my bag and I’m bringing my Nana’s homemade blanket that you love and we’re watching television until it’s late at night.”

“It’s already nine, Young Jae. I’m tired. My in-laws are home. They’re not going to approve of me hanging out with a man late at night. Also, my husband hates you.”

“Ouch, hurtful.” Young Jae sounded wounded. “I love Jimin. Why can’t he just love me?”

“He’s never forgiven you for hurting Gemma and falling in love with me. I think it’s pretty obvious. But, you know, he’ll get over it eventually.”

“Your in-laws love me. I’ll be over in fifteen minutes.” Young Jae abruptly hung up the phone.

“Mama Park!” I heard Young Jae’s chipper voice from upstairs. “Papa Park! I’ve missed you two.”

“I’ve missed you, too, my little Young Jae!” Mrs. Park cooed over him. “You want any snacks or drinks? Oh, it’s your Nana’s blanket. I haven’t seen it in a million years.”

“Yeah, it’s Jimin’s wife’s favorite. That feels weird to say. Jimin’s wife.” Young Jae chuckled. “I’m kind of sad I didn’t get invited to the wedding.”

I tried to invite Young Jae to the wedding, but Jimin refused. Absolutely refused. I can’t say I blamed him, but Young Jae and I hardly even had a relationship.

“Mmm, these things happen.” Mr. Park said kindly. “She’s downstairs and in need of a good cheering up.”

A couple of minutes later, Young Jae came quietly down the stairs and sat next to me on the couch. I was still lying down, but he squeezed into the spot between my feet and the edge of the couch. He beamed at me and I smiled sadly back.

“You’re sad?” He asked quietly, tapping my feet with his fingers.

“Mmm, a little. It’s nice to see you.”

Young Jae draped his Nana’s blanket over my body and threw me a package of Pop Tarts. “Cheer up, sweetheart. Let’s just have fun and relax tonight.”

“Okay.”

He popped in the DVD and I sat up and scooched over to sit next to him. Young Jae casually rested his arm across the back of the couch and teased me by tapping my shoulder and looking away with a smile. We were halfway through the second episode when he turned to me.

“What’s wrong with you? Why are you sad?” He laid his arm across my shoulders and pulled me into his side.

“Jimin and I are…I don’t know. It’s nothing.”

“It’s something, sweetheart.” Young Jae rested his head against my shoulder.

“I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just watch the show, hmm?”

“Is it because of what happened with Soon Ae?” He straightened up and looked at me, a serious expression on his face. “Because of that kiss? I heard about it when you guys left like that. I wanted to call you, but your mother-in-law said it would be better not to.”

“Ah, Soon Ae.” I heaved out a sigh. “I haven’t thought about her in a while. No, it’s not because of her. Jimin and I are just…I don’t know, actually. I don’t know what we’re doing.”

“Are you guys fighting?”

I peeked over at Young Jae. His black hair fell down into his face as he gazed at me in concern. I brushed it back from his forehead with a small smile.

“Jimin and I are always fighting. It’s what we do. We fight and then we’re incredibly in love, and then we fight again. I’m a little tired of it, that’s all.”

“I’m sorry, honey. I wish that there was something I could do.”

“Well…I probably would have spent a lot of this night crying, but instead I’m enjoying junk food and one of my favorite dramas with a good friend, so I’d say it ended up being pretty good.”

Young Jae beamed at me, deep dimples appearing on either side of his face.

“I’m glad I could help you out.”

We watched the show in silence for a little while. I kept shifting nervously while Young Jae glanced at me from time to time. I had a question I wanted to ask him, but I didn’t want to just blurt it out. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to ask him at all, but I felt like it was something I needed to know.

“Can you tell me about the night Jimin lost his ity?” I asked in a sudden rush, cheeks turning pink as Young Jae stared at me in shock.

“What? You wanna know about th-that?” He stuttered.

I swallowed. “Um, yeah. I do.”

“Well…we went to a party and Jimin hooked up with this girl. We’d gone to high school with her; she was a couple of years older than me. He was sad. He’d been a trainee and was living a lonely life in Seoul. He’d always wanted a girlfriend, but he was, I don’t know, shy and when we were in high school. Felt self-conscious about his cheeks. Most girls thought he was adorable, but everybody thought he was in love with Gemma, so no one ever pursued him.” He chuckled suddenly. “There was a group of girls that all liked Jimin and they used to dare each other to go up and talk to him. One girl kissed him one time. I heard all about it from him after it happened, and when I confronted the girl about it, she turned bright red and ran away from me. Pretty sure she never spoke to him again.”

“I know that story.” I said softly. I decided not to bring up the whole Gemma thing because I didn’t want to know if he had once been in love with her. He’d always insisted she was just like a relative to him.

“Yeah, I thought it was funny, but Jimin took it very much to heart. And then when Gemma and I started dating, he sort of closed in on himself. Stopped talking to me, stopped hanging out with her. He just danced and did his homework. Hung out with friends besides us. I thought maybe he really had been in love with Gemma. Then, he went off to Seoul and we didn’t talk for months. By the time he came back, Gemma and I had broken up and he was talking to me again. I think he felt too lonely to stay mad at me.”

Young Jae leaned back in his seat and sighed.

“He got drunk and made out with Soon Ae. I let them be, since Jimin was always complaining that he was lonely and wanted a girlfriend, and next thing I knew, Jimin had lost his ity. “

“Did he ever talk to you about it?”

Young Jae shook his head. “Nope. But he did ask me to set him up with another girl, so I did. The girl told me it didn’t go well. She kinda laughed about it and made fun of Jimin, so I didn’t talk to her again. After that, he avoided me.”

I nodded. “Why did you think he was in love with Gemma?”

He avoided my eyes. “Listen…I know you don’t like her. I know she crossed a lot of boundaries when you and Jimin first started dating, but everyone always thought they would end up together. Even his parents. I knew they loved you, but I don’t know if anyone ever expected Jimin to fall in love with you so quickly. Everyone thought he never dated because he was in love with Gemma and Gemma was…well, she was hung up on me.”

“So, what, people thought I was the rebound girl?” I couldn’t help but feel a little offended. I knew it was immature of me, but I liked being Jimin’s first love. I didn’t want to find out that he was in love with Gemma at some point. And had lied to me about it.

Young Jae shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“But wait, why did people think Jimin loved Gemma?” I persisted. Ugh. I didn’t even like saying those words in that sequence. Jimin never loved Gemma! Jimin only ever loved me.

Young Jae’s eyes softened and he held up my left hand, glancing pointedly between my face and my wedding ring. “Does it matter now?”

“I just wanna know.”

“He treated her very well. Always looked out of her. People caught them kissing occasionally. And then, he stopped talking to both of us when we started dating. Said it was because he didn’t trust me with Gemma, but I had a hard time believing that. Turns out he was right, though.”

I didn’t say anything. My six-year grudge against Gemma started to resurface the more I found out about her and Jimin’s relationship. It wasn’t anything that Jimin hadn’t told me before, but the added details made me wonder if he had fudged the truth a little bit.

“Anyway, Gemma told me he rejected her flat-out when she confessed to him. Still wanted to be friends, though. Tried to set her up with another guy, his friend. Taehyung, right?”

“Yeah.” I said softly. “They dated for a while. Pretty seriously, I think.”

“If he ever did love her, he loves you a lot more.” Young Jae gently knocked his head against mine, reminding me of Yukon when he tried to cheer me up.

“He told me he saw her as a relative.” I told him in a small voice.

He shrugged. “Could be. None of us ever had any siblings, so we were close. We all grew up together, you know.”

“I know.” I sighed and pulled the blanket over myself. “I don’t know why I’m even getting upset about this.”

“You’re upset?” Young Jae asked in surprise.

“Yeah.” My eyes filled with tears. “Jimin and I…we’re not doing so well. I feel very insecure and very alone. I know I’m pregnant and the hormones are driving me up the wall, but I can’t help it. I just wish he were here.”

“I know.” He kissed the top of my head. “He loves you, I promise.”

I sniffled and Young Jae reached over me to grab a box of tissues from the end table. I blew my nose as delicately as possible, self-conscious because of the way Jimin made fun of my sneezes, before responding.

“I know he loves me.” I replied, all stuffed-up. “But recently I wonder if he loves me as much as he used to.”

Young Jae wrapped me up in his arms and I cried into his shirt. The drama played in the background, music swelling as the characters reached a dramatic moment. I liked the ending to this drama, the whole concept of being happy with the one you love despite the difficulties. Where had my happiness gone to?

When Young Jae left, I went up to Jimin’s bedroom and hunkered down into his blankets. I had a lot of happy memories with Jimin in this room, but I could also remember the times when I was here alone with Haru. Jimin’s frequent tours were fine when we were first dating and living together, but recently, they’d begun to take a toll on me. I didn’t expect to need him this much.

I didn’t expect to want him around all of the time. I wanted him here with me, always. I wanted to wake up next to his sleeping face, drool leaking out of the corner of his mouth. I wanted to ruffle his hair and kiss his collarbones until he stirred. Wanted to cook breakfast for him occasionally, wanted to shower together while Haru still slept. Wanted to wear his large flannel shirts around the house in only my underwear on the rare days he stayed home from the studio and Haru went to daycare. I wanted to read him excerpts of my book and listen to scraps of his new songs. I wanted us to go on long walks with Yukon and then go out to brunch.

I wanted us to be like we used to be.

I checked my phone to see if he’d texted or called. Of course he hadn’t; he was probably busy working or preparing for the next concert. The twelve hour time difference made it difficult to schedule a time to talk; I regretted fighting with him on our last phone call.

I dialed his number, half-expecting it to go straight to voicemail. It rang about six times before his voicemail picked up.

“This is Park Jimin. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you.”

At the sound of the dial tone, I started sniffling.

“H-Hey. It’s me. I…I ju-just wanted to say sorry. And I love you. Call me when you can, okay?”

I hung up and closed my eyes, tears plopping onto the pillow. I curled up with one of his pillows and pretended it was him.

I just wanted to feel his arms around me and his soft kisses in my hair.