Monday, March 23, 2015

Chanyeol watches Baekhyun sprint up the stairs while he himself saunters towards their school's front door, taking his time and teasingly mocking his bestfriend by walking even slower. It's almost April and Chanyeol can feel the springy breeze and the scent of  grass and flowers. They're approximately ten minutes late to their first class and as every senior already knows, if you're already late, might as well walk. And as they walk towards their first class together, Baekhyun complaining that they probably missed a pop quiz or something, Chanyeol lingers in his own world just a little bit longer, something that he'd been doing for the past three days, while he follows his boyfriend to their seats and faintly hears the other's voice giving their teacher an excuse for why they were late.

It's been a long weekend, something that the giant never dreads, but because of what occured for the past two days, he can't say he's not worried for what's to come.

Baekhyun wasn't dreaming.

Everything the smaller male had said was his dream Sunday morning was true. The party at Kris' house, the drinking, the kiss from Haylee, the alcohol spurred argument that ended up with the break up. Chanyeol had just finished washing his tearstreaked face after being dragged back home feeling more sober by Sehun and Jongin and changed into his pajamas, throwing his clothes into the closet and wishing he could burn them that night, when he saw the figure lying down on his bed, already asleep and wearing one of Chanyeol's shirts. Chanyeol wanted to cry right then and there, studying the male and rubbing his clear and innocent sleeping face with his fingers and knowing that Baekhyun'd snuck into his house once again, Chanyeol knowing that Baekhyun only does that when he's desperate for a cuddle or longs for Chanyeol. It was hard. It was hard falling asleep and waking up again two and a half hours later, with Baekhyun up and crying and explaining to him a nightmare where he dreamt that everything had gone wrong between them. It was hard, faking that he didn't know what was going on. And it was hard promising to Baekhyun that everything would be okay, and telling him promises of never hurting him as Baekhyun fell asleep again. The only thing Chanyeol could truly promise was that he loves Baekhyun. It was hard. It's still hard.

The kiss from Haylee surprised Chanyeol. He can't even describe how pissed he was at her for doing that. Pissed that she had the courage to do that in his drunken state and use him and pissed that she was brave enough to do it in front of his boyfriend and friends.  He likes to think of himself as someone patient and understanding and willing to overlook the past in order to move forward, which means his past with Haylee was long erased from his brain and instead replaced with thoughts of Byun Baekhyun 24/7. The anger that used to linger in his chest for a while then because of how she treated him like dirt by cheating and treating his own friends like was no longer there. He admits that it was also his fault for being to caught up in his first relationship to realize that he was slowly drifting away from his friends. Their relationship nearly cost him his friendship with Baekhyun and by the time that everything was resolved and Chanyeol was ready to forgive Haylee for her mistakes, she'd gone to the U.S.

Chanyeol admits that there was never closure for him. He was left feeling like because he was blind to see her selfish personality beyond her looks and he felt even worse that because of it he almost lost his friends. Baekhyun had been more than disappointed that after his efforts of telling Chanyeol the truth, the giant had called him a liar. And he thought to himself the day they had made up under the stars, promising to always be "Baekhyun and Chanyeol", that what if it was the other way around? What if Baekhyun was the one too engrossed in a relationship that he didn't see what was right in front of him? What if instead, Chanyeol was the one desperately trying to get into Baekhyun's head that he was being thick headed? And what if instead, Chanyeol was the one trying to tell Baekhyun the truth? What if Baekhyun was the one who fought back and called him a liar?

But what if Baekhyun called Chanyeol a liar this time, but for a whole different reason?

It's what's scaring Chanyeol.

The fact of the matter is Baekhyun really wasn't dreaming and Chanyeol can't decide whether he should do the right thing and tell his boyfriend, or be selfish and keep the white lie going, in efforts to move on from that horrible memory. Chanyeol had called Kyungsoo and Luhan that Saturday afternoon after he'd just finished doing homework with Baekhyun and left the male to watch a movie in his room while he excused himself to go to the bathroom. It only felt right to tell the two people who witnessed it all and maybe, possibly, Chanyeol was looking for a way out of this predicament. He feels bad that after all the things the two and their boyfriends did for him that night, he added more burden on their shoulders. But he was reassured that the two would help him solve everything but only after getting an earful from Kyungsoo that he needs to tell Baekhyun and Luhan who urged that Chanyeol needs to keep calm and not rush things, plan things out first.

He was hurt. More than hurt and as Chanyeol looks back that Friday night, the pain in his chest felt unbearable and something he really wanted to forget. Something that he knows Baekhyun desperately wants to forget as well, so is it really that bad that Chanyeol wants to be selfish and pretend that it really was all a dream? Seeing the pain in Baekhyun's eyes and the shock after Chanyeol had yelled at him with words biting back was tough and at that moment, Chanyeol was ready to go back and drag Baekhyun to the party that was inside and drink their memories away. What was worse was that things didn't go so well and that was exactly what happened, except Chanyeol was alone, heartbroken and sobbing with Sehun and Jongin worriedly watching him gulp down drink after drink while they texted their boyfriends, who were on their way to Baekhyun's house. And it wasn't even past nine yet.

Chanyeol remembers Baekhyun saying that he didn't think he was worth it for Chanyeol to be dating him anymore. What type of bull was that? Since when did his bestfriend of 13 years feel that a girl's opinion on their relationship detemined whether or not he and Chanyeol were meant to be?

He remembered being called blind and too hopeful but what's wrong with being that way? He didn't have a grudge against his ex girlfriend because he felt that Haylee might've changed. Must have changed. But see, why would Baekhyun even feel the need to be insecure when Chanyeol had easily and happily invited Taeyeon noona back into their lives, thinking that it would make Baekhyun happy that he didn't give a damn that his ex was back. It made it even easier that Taeyeon was such an understanding and fun person, and it helped Chanyeol's first insecurity that she might want him back go away when she'd admitted she was dating Jessica. Now wasn't fate on their side that day?

Since then, Chanyeol had been friendly, and happy even for his boyfriend who seemed to have fun catching up with Taeyeon all over again. But the stupid play began and Chanyeol'd been unvoluntarily picked to be the male lead with Haylee as his partner, and Baekhyun with Taeyeon as the Evans siblings. And because Chanyeol liked seeing Baekhyun up on stage, and he thought it'd be fun acting with him, he'd agreed to do it, but not without later feeling it was all a mistake.

He knew that he should put all his efforts into the play and getting into Troy's character and he did so by allowing Haylee, who'd so kindly asked if he wanted to run parts with her, whisk him away, that's it. He didn't notice that all this time, he'd actually been ignoring Baekhyun. But the thing is, he was doing all of it for the small theatric male. He wanted his boyfriend to be proud, even if he was watching in the rows or at the sidelines, waiting for his own scene.  He wanted to show his support for something that Baekhyun was passionate about, just like how the other had been supportive by going to his basketball games for the past few months. It was fun at first, but because of Chanyeol feeling like maybe Baekhyun had been spending too much time with Taeyeon these days, he didn't notice he was doing the same with Haylee. So then, he was left feeling jealous rage despite how immature it was and how easy it should've been to tell Baekhyun how he felt without going through all the pain.

The heartbreak was what really kept Chanyeol away from telling the truth. It feeling like his whole world had left him, left him with words that pleaded they forget they even knew each other. Again, what the was that bull?! He remembers pleading for Baekhyun to stay, to talk, to fix everything. He'd said so with his eyes, with all his might, and with all his heart, hoping that the other would understand, and he knows that Baekhyun did. The shock that came after with how Baekhyun rejected it all, and softly kissed him before wrenching his body from Chanyeol's grasp and running away from all their problems didn't help.

And as Chanyeol watches Baekhyun happily conversing with his bestfriends at the lunch table and playfully teasing the two about their own boyfriends, not knowing what Chanyeol's keeping inside, Chanyeol wishes he could do the same; do the same old happy routine they usually do together. But now all he can do is sit quietly in the sidelines, pretending he's having as much fun as his boyfriend who keeps elbowing him asking him what's wrong, and hoping that the knowing looks of Luhan and Kyungsoo and the soft pats of Sehun on his back would just disappear. He ing hates pretending everything is right when it's all wrong. He hates lying and he more than wants to tell the truth. But the pain, the ing pain is pulling him back and chaining him down to live with the white lie, because as much as he wants to tell the truth, the fear of feeling the same heartbreaking pain all over again, feeling the loss of breath and the upside down turn of his world, the hot pain of tears falling down his cheeks as he watched Baekhyun run away from him in the night, the helplessness he felt as he struggled to get away from Jongin's and Sehun's arms to take him home and the rough pain in his chest that he couldn't get away even though he was pounding his fist into his chest as hard as he could while he continued to sob his pain away, was something he never ever wanted to experience again.

Now while Baekhyun clings to his waist, chatting happily about everything and anything and as they walk down their school's halls, holding hands while Baekhyun continues to smile, unknowing to Chanyeol's pain he's holding in, Chanyeol can only put on a smile and wish everything will pass. He sees Haylee nearby looking at him, and he can't decipher the look on her face, but he hopes that she doesn't know that Baekhyun and Chanyeol are actually broken up, that she doesn't know and that she doesn't have a plan to make things worse. And that maybe, just maybe, she's apologetic for what she did over the weekened, for ruining Chanyeol's happiness, for making him have to hide the truth. Chanyeol hopes, just for the sake of his own heart mending back into place and for Baekhyun's to remain intact.

That night, Chanyeol gets the courage to get his phone and look through his contacts, finding a phone number that he's saved for a while since she came back and asks her for something he should've asked before. Closure and all the more reason to continue with whatever he has right with Baekhyun.

To: Haylee 9:30 p.m.

We need to talk.

Got rid of my writer's block for a bit and actually wrote this chap. of 9759 puked words. lol. For those of you who didn't know, I actually took this down for a bit bc I felt no inspiration to finish, but seeing as my writing's coming along, I'm going with the flow & leaving it up. I might take it down again for the purpose of not wanting ppl to see it or bc I want to finish something before I update at all. So don't be worried that it's gone/deleted, I'm just thinking behind the scenes. Thanks for the understanding. Feel free to comment below. peace, xxjuly.