[Jieun]

Is this my retribution?

Is this what I'm getting in turn for leading Sera to my fath– that man?

Am I going to die?

I was getting tired. There was this rhythmic pounding in my head, causing this constant trickle of pain to plague me. There was also this stench, a strong scent of metal that irked me. Yet, as I continued to inhale, I found myself getting accustomed to it and… I revelled in it?

It must be the exhaustion messing with my senses. Yeah, it must be. I contemplated lifting my hand to rub at my head, to see what was wrong but nah, I'm so tired.

So as my eyes fluttered shut for the last time, and darkness engulfed me, I let go. My hand released its grip on whatever consciousness it had been gripping onto, and I just fell. The feeling was refreshing, to feel your body light and free, like the birds that fly in the skies without a care in the world. I didn’t have to land if I didn’t want to. I didn’t have to stop flying if I didn’t want this flight to end. Yet, as I fell, something prickled within me.

“Ji… Eun…”

Sera?

Oh.

That’s right. There’s still–

No. I can’t die yet. I can’t leave the world in this manner. There are things undone, there are things that I simply cannot forsake no matter what. And how? How could I leave my friend, my best friend to fend for herself? I want to apologise, I want to seek her forgiveness, I need to explain the reason for my out-of-sort behaviour. I want, need to create more memories with her. With him.

Yeah, with him.

The time we spent together was short, fleeting. Yet, those times always made me smile foolishly as I gladly let my recollections surface in my mind, filling my head with him, him, just him. I’d never forget the bouts of laughter he gifted me with, the jokes he tried to tell, the tease in his tone he always attempted to hide whenever his friends mess up or make a fool of themselves. I’d never be tired of him; the way his eyes crinkle into crescents when he laughs, the angle of his high cheekbones whenever he cracks into wide smiles, the jawline that would sharpen itself into definition whenever he found it amusing to show me his ‘cool’ demeanour after his friends (mostly Chanyeol-oppa and Baekhyun-oppa) diss him.

If only. If only I possessed the courage, had the guts to muster up a tiny inkling of bravery to just do something, I wouldn’t have this strong quake of regret.

I continued falling. The lightness felt at the beginning had all but vanished the instance the regret flooded me, and I didn’t want to keep falling any longer. I don’t want to be one of the birds flying freely in the skies. I don’t need this freedom, this feeling of nothing tying you down. I don’t want to feel like that. I don’t want to be like that.

I want to feel him. I want to be with him. I need to be with him.

A single droplet of liquid appeared in front of my eyes, suspending in mid-air for a split second before travelling upwards, catching my attention and I belatedly realised that I had teared. Dammit, what is this. With the lightness gone from my system, the pleasure of falling evaporating, all I felt then was pain, ache, longing.

My mind hurt, the constant pounding in my head gradually escalating into throbbing pain. My chest ached, the muscles within constricting and not releasing to relax. And, my heart longed. It longed for him, the boy whose dinosaur-looking visage would always be etched in my mind. I’d never forget it. I would never.

The pain in my chest restricted my breathing, the muscles not working properly and my heart actually hurts. I didn’t even know that my hands had darted upwards, fingers clenching the fabric covering my chest in a tight grip as though doing so would help alleviate the pain. It didn’t and I thought, can one still suffer in death?

Can one still think of one’s most treasured person in death–

Please forgive me.

Can– What…?

Please forgive me for being selfish.

Forgive…?

Please forgive me for selfishly wanting to keep you by my side.

J-Jong… Jongdae?

What is this? What are those? Are those voice recordings…? Am I hallucinating? Am I even able to hallucinate? I must be going crazy. I must have died really badly in some manner because how? How on earth (or in hell) can I hear his voice?

Forgive me for wanting to keep you by my side til the end of time.

As if the word ‘time’ was a passcode, a keyword, a magic password, it ignited something within me. I inhaled sharply, a rush of cool air invading my lungs and I struggled to breathe. The falling wasn’t helping. And then there’s the– gasp.

Pain. Unbearable pain. Pain unlike any other. It felt as though a thousand, no, millions of needles stabbing into my heart. The sharp pain struck me when I least expected it. Heck, I hadn’t expected it at all. At. All. The needles came, stabbed, and stayed. They didn’t leave, no figurative or metaphorical fingers appearing to pluck them out of my heart. They stayed, and the pain was unbearable. Wait, unbearable is a ing understatement.

I was still falling, but I moved, I kicked, I squirmed, I screamed. But those did nothing to me, for me. Nothing seemed to lighten the pain. It was bad, it was really bad but just when I thought that the pain would be all that was to be dealt to me, the air in my lungs vanished. Oxygen just disappeared into thin air. (I’m not even joking.)

Scrabbling for air, I inhaled greedily but karma’s a . There was no existence of oxygen in the air. I continued to breathe in, gasping for oxygen like a fish out of water. But no, I was no freshwater fish in its habitat. Instead, I was the said freshwater fish on a grilling pan. Placed over fire. High heat. ing...  high... heat.

I would lying if I said that I was okay. I’m not. Totally, ing not. And it’s bad to lie, (equally bad to swear, too, but that’s another story) so I’m going to reply honestly — my insides burn. Every vein, artery, capillary, bone, organ, muscle, and even my blood had heated up. The temperature of this rapidly-escalating warmth quickly rose, nearing the standard temperature of a boiling point (fact: it’s one hundred degrees, kids!) and oh my god, I swear, a third degree burn suffered at the most embarrassing of body parts is nothing, ing peanuts, compared to this. This abominable happening of my insides being washed and doused with boiling oil.

Ashes. My organs, muscles should have been fried into oblivion. My veins, arteries, capillaries should have all been burst. My bones should have been broken, smashed, crushed into smithereens under my boiling body-full of blood.

Blood. Even in death, I cannot be away from it.

I no longer felt myself falling. Yet, I didn’t feel myself landing. But a strong need to just open my eyes washed over me. So I did. And a sea of red, beautiful crimson red greeted me.

The magnificent ocean of red filled my sight, and at that moment, I felt calm. No pain, no hurt, no ache, no longing. I let my eyes feast themselves upon the colour, the view of it similar to the photographs of galaxies I’ve seen on the Internet. Simply gorgeous. Delighted, I gingerly extended my arms forward, fingers trembling as they reached towards the horizon of the red sea and when the line met with my fingers, a wave of pure calm washed over me.

Familiarity. Warmth, unlike the one that pained me, surged within me and oh, it feels as though someone is protecting me.

I’m sorry to put you through all this.

Who? Who are you, what are you–

Will you… please wake up now?

Why am I hearing you again, Kim Jongdae?

Hallucinations. Definitely. Some sick joke my mind is playing on me. But hearing his voice hurt, the longing within me surfacing again and , tears escaped from the corners of my eyes. My cheeks waited for the coolness to graze them, but the feeling never came. Another tear escaped. I still didn’t feel it.

What are the tears for? Why are you crying? Could you… please not torture me…

Warmth. Instead of coolness, I felt warmth upon my cheeks. On my eyes. On my forehead. Upon the apples of my cheeks. On the tip of my nose. On both corners of my lips. Then–

Sweetness. The warmth that spread across my lips tasted like that. A tinge of bitterness. It threw my senses off momentarily, causing my swelling heart to constrict, a pang of pain shooting through it but it left just as quickly as it came. And I was left with sweetness once again.

The warmth left my lips and a chill instantly settled in. Then the warmth returned, and it was much more heated, more hot, more sweetness.

And love. A bittersweet feeling laced with despair, sadness, and a dash of remorse and guilt. But the love in the warmth overwhelmed them all, and as I continued to gaze at the crimson ocean that laid before me, I felt blissful. Small waves lapped the white shores, dyeing the sand a light shade of brilliant red before it turned white again as the waves receded. The waves seemed as though someone else’s feelings, thoughts, sentiments were being added into the ocean and mixed with mine.

It felt as though it was J–

Will you wake up now, Kim Jieun?

[Jongdae]

Her eyes flew open.

Then, I felt air being out of my mouth as a sharp gasp resounded within the empty warehouse and my attention immediately snapped to the girl I had in my arms. I let my eyes drown in the crimson, taking the time to notice the flecks of different shades of red littered within those beautiful orbs of hers. I unknowingly smil