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Managing You & Me
* Ding*
"Dakyung unnie! Over here!"
I waved a frappuchino into her view, and she started making her way here.
"Ahn ah!! You've gotten so pretty!"
"... Unnie, you saw me yesterday.."
" I know."
"UNNIE! Way to make me feel bad"
"I'm kidding~ but I love your outfit"
"Kay. Thanks. Whatever."
"So why did you call? Hm? Oh and Jinyoung told me about your love fest going on at TS ent."
I tensed up.
Another person knows our secret.
"Yeah.. It's about that...."
I sighed, lowering our voices.
"OMO! YOU GUYS SLEPT TOGETHER YESTERDAY?!?"
I clamped my hand on .
"Shut up!" I hissed, looking around for the crowded audience who would have heard that.
Thankfully, the cafe is somewhat empty so I let out my breath, trembling in insecure fear.
"Oops." Dakyung unnie laughed, sipping a bit of her frapp.
I glared at her for some time and just slowly nodded.
"OMO! You guys did?!"
She exclaimed, covering her own mouth .
A shy smile crept up my lips and I blurted out a giggle, unable to control the happiness.
"First time huh? I always thought you did it with Jinyoung"
She clicked her tongue, hiding her disappointment that Ahn ah and Jinyoung went seperate ways.
"Ani !!! Unnie! I think I would have told you either way"
I shook my head at her "crazy" assumption.
"...but Ahn ah, does the guy love you? So much that he'll sacrifice himself for you..? " Dakyung unnie asked in a serious tone.
.... I trusted Daehyun oppa with all my heart, yet I never thought our relationship can get any deeper.
I hesitated for a moment, thinking about it.
The only audience that really knew our love was only us, and I should know the answer to this question without a pause.
So.. Why am I so unsure now?
"O..Of course he does! Why wouldn't he?" I stuttered, blinking my eyelids at the emptiness of what I just said.
A bitter taste lingered on my mouth, my appetite for my frappuchino suddenly dropping, my throat becoming dry.
Dakyung unnie gave me a look.
"There's no doubt you guys love each other and that you guys just took a big step. Just give it some time to realize that things have changed and that you two will need to adjust to a different stage in the relationship. A guy who will sacrifice for you, will always stay . A guy who won't, will only be led by lust. Don't give him the upper hand, whatever he does. Okay?"
Dakyung unnie squeezed my hand to recieve the confirmation from me, to make sure I promised.
I slowly nodded, embedding her words letter by letter.
My head went blank as my thoughts drifted to Daehyun oppa and the lpve that we had.
It's obvious that I'm over reacting but I can't help pondering over it.
Maybe I'll have the courage to ask him this afternoon at 5, when we are suppose to meet at Orange, a.k.a our dance practice studio.
... Courage to stand against him-
Maybe.
Just maybe.
-------------------------------------
I was staring into my phone screen, jaws hanging open and a hand on my opened mouth to hide my obviously mind blown expression.
ASDFGHJKL@&$%#£€¥<*+=$&@)#%$&@AHHHH
B1A4's new MUSIC VIDEO!!
Putting aside all my personal ties with them, I failed miserably at the barrier I was trying to keep as soon as I realized the barbie girl ia Nahye.
She always takes selcas like that.
I giggled as Jinyoung oppa's facial expressions changed like the colors of the rainbow, stifling a giggle from me.
So today was the day that B1A4 decided to release their music video of "What's going on?".
Of course my BANA side was squealing of joy.
But there was a twang of guilt I felt while I was watching the video.
It kind of felt like they were talking about me.
How I cheated on Jinyoung....
But it was put in a "comical" image, brushing off any serious thoughts.
I sighed and listened to their other tracks.
몇 번을 (How many times)
*chorus*
- How many times do I, nights do I, days do I just circle you?
(how many times and nights do I endure)
How many times do I, nights do I, days do I circle again?
(I still come back to you and circle around your presence)
**{trans cred. to ME!! Haha did the best so it could be sung in English, not just word by word trans. Yeah!}
I sat silently and held back a hitch in my throat as tears rolled down.
... It was as if my heart was written down in a song.
Just how many times does mt heart have to circle back to him...
Why can't I move on, even when I'm happily in love with someone else...
Why..
Jinyoung oppa's voice rang inside my head, Sandeul oppa's voice echoing it out with the chorus part.
I ran out of the cafe and headed to nowhere in particular, somewhere I can cry without being heard.
I ran to the park.
Holding in my tears as best as possible, I found myself lost in the forest side of the park.
My eyes widened and fear kicked in. I started trembling in my weak state when I found something-
A familiar rock.
No, a gigantic... Shelter...
Hideout!
I scrambled to it and just as I expected, I felt a sigh relieve me at the confirmed fact that this is Sandeul oppa's hideout rock.
Feeling saved, I walked in and switched on the christmas lights that embellished the bare rock ceiling.
Crashing on to the wooden bench, my tears bursted out and my sobs wailed free.
I clenched my heart in pain and cried, like a child who was lost.
*continued after chorus
_How Many Times -B1A4*
How much does it have to hurt to an answer?
Does she know the countless times my heart fell and hurt?
How much times, many nights, countless days do I have to hurt?
For you to come back to me
{also trans. By ME. Haha. I'm thinking about starting to translate songs in english so you guys can sing along in english without frustration. Comment if you approve! I'll take song requests!! Hehehe -check blog for more info}
I cried and the more I thought about Jinyoung, the more tears flowed.
Why now?
I was living my life so well-
I fell in love with someone else-
I was moving on.
But why am I coming back to him now?...
Why am I hurting now?
As if I'm waking up from the state of being paralyzed completely in ice, and I'm melting away now-
My heart's beating alive now.
Just as I asked numerous questions to my heart, my head bursted out in flashback after flashback.
Every detail we went through-
Meeting him at the pharmacy-
Him saving my life at the kidnap rebellion in the company.
Losing everything, forgetting that he saved me and the B.A.P's life- and walking obliviously,
running into classroom 298....
He came back into my life, even if his heart was being ripped piece by piece-
We fell in love
And my mother died while I survived.
My slate was emptied clean again and I couldn't remeber him once more-
Then he saved me again by his mother adopting me and his cousin taking me into the world.
And we met again.
As strangers and lovers, we met.
His heart was on the verge of breaking , but he survived by putting on a fake smile and pretending that our love never happend.
For me-
For us.
A sob desperately exploded in my throat as my phone dropped and the paused song continued.
(2nd verse after chorus)
You, in my wallet, I blame your smile that lingers on the picture inside
Please just disappear now.
(A lie that's not even in my heart)
[i think this is like the bridge or mini-chorus]
This repeating heart, falling down, save me from this sickening pain
My burnt-out heart, all gone in white, it's still crying for you
(Repeat main chorus)
{and I'll finish here. Full trans will probably be up in my blog or wall or something :O -lazy author
*insert virtual slap* }
No matter how many times I denied it, it felt like the song was about our love.
How Jinyoung suffered behind my back.
I sobbed for a full hour and started to wake up into reality.
...you in my wallet-
The phrase repeated in my head, clarifying an evidence.
So whoever is in his wallet must be the song's main character.
Wouldn't it be Nahye in his wallet-?
Cramming thoughts after thoughts, I flicked off the lights and stepped out of the rock.
Staggering a breath and staring at the big blue sky, I let my broken heart free, embracing the bittersweet spring breeze.
Sighing lightly, I put a hand on my chest and rubbed it to ease the emotional pain.
Could I find the answer I've forgotten yet searched for all my life in his wallet?
Could I mend his heart just like how I broke it?
Tossing my head back, I let the sunlight kiss my tear-swollen face and headed to the park exit.
The music switched to another song.
Good Love _B1A4
Written by: Jinyoung & Baro
Composed by: Jinyoung
(1st verse)
You're quiet than usual
Please tell me what's going on
Why are you like this please tell me I'm getting so worried
Could it be because of me?
I'm really sorry please, don't cry like this
Tears on your pretty face, ruined everything, it's broken into pieces
I'm a bad guy, just a bad guy, I made her pretty face cry
I'm bad to you, really bad to you,
The space between us is so far away
More than 500steps apart girl, I can't get closer to you
I'm a bad guy, just a bad guy, now I realize I can't turn back the time
Let's now just Stop, we can't go further so we close our hearts and you go your way.
(You finished your coffee, I'll be going now)
(Chorus)
When I see you speechless all alone,
I look at myself only staring at you
Our love has gotten so cold, good love, good love
Our happy love now parts away ,
Once together now far away, good love
~~ {trans. stopping here. :( sorry}
The song continued like the stream of tears flowing down.
I feel so terrible,
And happy,
But I'm a burden.
Burden to everyone.
If I was destined to a terrible fate that brought despair to everyone, why am I walking and breathing?
Why do I exist?
Just when I fell deeper into regretting to love Jinyoung oppa and all hope seemed lost,
Daehyun oppa's loving eyes flashed in my mind.
"I love you"
He said.
Glancing at the time, it struck 5PM.
"I love you, 5pm at Orange"
His note had said.
I burst into my car, not caring to strap on, and sped off.
Daehyun oppa-
I need him now.
Just like I did so many times...
My heart is so hurt and confused, I don't know where to go anymore.
He might be the only one I can go to-
But why is my heart telling me otherwise?
Why does it miss Jinyoung?
Why does it want me to see Jinyoung, which will only hurt him more?
I grumbled in pain as a sudden headache radiated from my head.
"She'll die if she knew"
Jinyoung's warning to Daehyun in my memories zoomed by.
I gripped my head tighter, managing to hold it together and park safely at the TS Ent. building.
"Aish"
Hissing with poison in my tone, I slammed my palms down on the steering wheel.
Why all of a sudden-?
It was clear that I was free of all my traumatic attacks.
I fumbled the car container for my medication and spilled out a pill, swallowing it with a gulp of water.
What's happening to me-?
I saw Daehyun oppa's figure rushing towards my parked car as soon as drowsiness came over me.
The pill's perfectly non-drowsy.......
I'm so tired-
"Ahn ah? Ahn ah!!!"
He yelled, pounding on my window.
I had enough energy to unlock my car doors-
Then a familiar sensation hit my heart-
I'm losing my memories again.
More tears flowed down.
No-
Not again.
Please no... No...
Daehyun oppa's smile dimished as he saw my pale face and endless tears.
"Ahn ah- ta..talk to me- you better not be joking-"
I weakly smiled at him and sobbed, caressing his face in my hands.
My face broke as I thought of everyone I loved in this world and the fact that it's the last time I might remeber them -
For good.
I looked up into Daehyun oppa's shocked face as he grabbed me into his hold.
Tears were b his eyes and he shuddered, muttering out incoherent words and holding firmly on to me.
"No Ahn ah-!!! NO!!"
He held me up bridal style and moved me to the passenger seat as he crashed into the driver's.
He started the car and headed for the hospital.
He cupped my face with one hand and desperately kissed me, telling me to stay with him.
"Ahn ah- please don't go- Please don't leave me alone"
He sobbed as my voice gave out and all I could do was weakly smile.
My paste-white hands met his trembling ones, and I gave it a light, feeble squeeze.
If I lose my memory again-
I want him to remember I loved him.
I don't want him to remeber me after my memory goes away.
I want him to know that I was happy to forget all and start back again, where there will be no pains anymore.
But inside, I knew I'll hurt much more people afterwards-
If I make it alive.
Not showing the high chance, I just smiled at Daehyun oppa and blinked back tears.
He looked at my spilled pills in the car and his eyes widened.
"No.. Ahn ah.. These aren't your medication pills-"
He picked up one of the forged pills and broke it in half, which contained a familiar green chemical-
The one Yongnam injected me with before he died.
My breath hitched, and it suddenly became hard to breathe.
"AHN AH!"
Daehyun oppa's screams became muffuled and my vision went blurry.
Silently I prayed ,
"If I'm to lose all memory, please don't let me live to torture all the people I love. Take me and stop their endless pain."
I opened my eyes for the last time and with the last strength I had in the bit of my voice, I spoke weakly , "Daehyun oppa- Remeber that I love you and forget all about me. Pretend like I never happend. But please remeber I love you. Please tell Jinyoung oppa that I'm sorry for leaving again. " I let out a final sob.
"Ahn ah!! Don't say that... Look- We're here at the hospital! You're going to be fine- wake up Ahn ah.. WAKE UP!! "
His frantic yelling finally dimmed down to a mute volume.
And everything went blank.
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