Deep Inside Pained Hearts
Managing You & Me
It's been over a week.
I have the severe symtoms of Dae-hyundration.... Yeah..it's so bad that I'm throwing that lame pun everywhere.
Today's one of my vocal sessions, which kind of turned out to be a friend hangout time.
I never said anything to boss about it, because I like my friends. Duh?
My brain isn't functioning well, I'm missing the B.A.P oppas, Joonhong, and Jongup (yes he's younger than me) so much that it creeps me out.
My head hanging down, I blindly walk to the recording studio.
It's as if my main battery is about to die- matter of fact, it already has.
With a depressed sigh, I swung open the enterance door of the recording room, gritting my teeth and repeating a phrase over and over in my head.
"Let's get this over with-"
I was completely oblivious of the fact that Jinyoung oppa was watching me, movement by movement as I slumped down on the studio couch, curling into a pitiful ball.
Blocking my sobs, I am in NO mood for any vocal training.
Then, I felt my skin tingle at a contact of another skin against mine.
It was the feeling I needed most-
Comfort.
Startled, I jumped up, waking up into world's reality.
"O-oh! It's you oppa.." I said, trying to calm myself from his comforting hands caressing my face.
"Yep. It's me today" Jinyoung replied, knowing better than anybody that Ahn ah needs comforting.
Talking about him today-
"Did you purposely get your girlfriend to fill in for you last week?"
I groaned, my voice weak from Dae-hyundration and the sickness of crying.
I was working so hard to build a wall to keep my real self from surfacing and crying explosively, but when it came to Jinyoung oppa, it never could be controlled.
I felt a hot stream of tear escape my eyes, flowing and dripping down my cheeks.
Jinyoung oppa caught them, sighing before starting to explain.
"No- I didn't know Nahye signed up for this.. She told me last night ,and it was too late for me to explain it to you." Jinyoung stated, not getting his hopes up that Ahn ah might have felt jealous.
I just let my retarded tears flow and allowed his hands to catch them all.
Nodding to clarify my understanding, I was glad Jinyoung oppa didn't mean to rub in his pretty girlfriend in front of my face.
"I met with Sunwoo (Baro) oppa last week... " I paused, asking myself if I had to slip out the question now.
My mind echoed back a yes, forcing my tired voice up to interoggate him.
"He used a trick on me... He said you taught it to him.. How did you know I flinch when I lie?" I asked, wanting the answer more than ever.
His eyes widened in possibly, fear, and died down as he sighed in some kind of relief.
"Ahn ah- you always flinch when you lie. That's how I knew you didn't eat whenever you lied to me that you did."
He responded, bringing back fragile memories.
I shuddered, a flashback of us together swishing by.
It was a cold night, Jinyoung oppa
asked if I was hungry and I said no, knowing well that Jinyoung oppa probably doesn't want to eat.
He snuck his hands into mine and I flinched, surprised at the sudden contact.
"Yah~ you're hungry!" Jinyoung oppa accused me of lying, and I just pouted as he dragged me to a restaurant.
The old memory brought a sad smile upon me. My eyes fluttered open , only to see the smile reflected on to Jinyoung oppa's own expression.
Here he is again, when I needed him the most.
The cold ice to my heart was that I couldn't love him again, he couldn't love me back.
My mind swirls into a deeper confusion and I fetched myself from being into the dark whirlpool of thoughts by changing the subject.
I try asking Jinyoung oppa a question that would surprise both of us.
"...What happend when I was in middle school?"
I blurted, not knowing how that question slipped out.
But now I consider it, and realize I have no memories of my middle school years.
His abrubt gasp hit my head with a blurred image of three men, one dressed in a suit and two in .. Hip-hop clothing? What?
"..something did happen didn't it?" I groaned, eyes shut tight from the familiar throbbing ringing inside my head.
Jinyoung oppa's hands flew to mine desperately and held it tight, surprising me more with his sudden actions.
I opened my eyes to see Jinyoung oppa immersed in fear, the scared emotions displaying themselves on his face.
"..a..Ahn ah.. Promise me, that you'll never try to remember. Even if you want to, don't ever, ever try. Okay?"
His voice trembled and the grip on my hands grew tighter.
He was caressing my couple ring, as if wanting to rub it off my skin.
I flinched a bit, and cursed myself for having this helpless habit.
I was keeping Daehyun a secret from Jinyoung oppa and him rubbing my ring inducated that there's a secret that lie within the ring. It's so freaking obvious. And I'm so freaking retarded.
I unconciously swatted away Jinyoung oppa's tight grip away from my ring, creating an unspoken tension between us.
His face spoke of sadness and fear, which clashed another head-throbbing clip of a forgotten "memory" into my shattered thoughts.
A man holding a baseball bat-
Two guys watching.
One of the guy's face formed into a bitter expression-
A door being flown open,
The word "HELP" embedded onto my scared mind.
The faces of the three men I saw were.. charred off, driving me more insane, helplessly leaving me thinking that two of the guys were too familiar-
But why?
"Aish" I cursed, feeling like my brain's been split open.
"Ahn ah- Stop. Please stop-"
Jinyoung oppa pleaded, shaking my shoulders for me to wake up from the flashback.
Then, the recording studio's door rattled and the person I've thirsted for so long came in, ever so swiftly.
Both Jinyoung oppa and my gaze were set on him, the guy's glare shooting holes into Jinyoung oppa.
I cleared my throat, trying to clear the awkward tension between the two guys.
"Daehyun oppa-" My voice let out as I stood up from the couch and found myself make my way towards him.
Is it him?
In midst of all the intensity, all I could ask was if I was dreaming or not- the usual.
I would feel like I'm hallucinating all the time, because I sometimes do.
He could come in and out, appearing like the wind and leaving like a ghost.
Is Daehyun oppa in front of me right now?
I'll never know.
***********Daehyun's Story************
Why the hell is he here with Ahn ah?!
I roughly pressure my anger down as Ahn ah wrapped me in her arms.
"D..Daehyun oppa?" She asked, her voice trembling in uncertainty.
Guilt shattered my heart, hating how everytime I saw her, she would ask if it's me.
Her shooken up voice throbbed in my heart, leaving bruises and wanting to slap myself for always making Ahn ah cry.
"Yeah" I softly whispered, thickening my voice to not sound like I'm the one on the verge of crying.
Her back was turned against Jinyoung and I used this as an advantage to throw him dirty looks.
He didn't dare -
I don't ever want her to know...
What if he tells her?
I felt myself shudder at the terrible thought.
It's too horrible-
****** End of Daehyun's Story*******
I embraced Daehyun oppa's shuddering figure.
Maybe he's cold-
"O..oppa.? What are you doing here? I thought you were busy-"
I whispered, filling my Daehyundrated thirst.
He broke the inseceurity by digging his face into my neck, and lifting his head up, brushing the side of my face with his.
"I need to talk to - him"
He stated, pointing a finger towards Jinyoung oppa who had his gaze turned away from us.
I nodded, wondering what they would even talk about. I just hope Daehyun oppa didn't misunderstand the whole scene of me crying and Jinyoung oppa comforting me in a personal manner.
Well, it would be easy to get a misconception of the happening, but Daehyun oppa trusts me enough to know that Jinyoung oppa and I were just holding a (Somewhat of a normal) conversation.
Noticing the need of privacy between the two men, I gave Jinyoung oppa an apologetic glance before slipping out of the room.
**************Your Story****************
"Why the heck are you even near her? Haven't you had enough?!" Jinyoung growled, anger filling up every living cell inside him.
Daehyun gave no reply but a grim face embedded with guilt.
"That's my line-"
He thought.
After the pause of a long, frustrating silence,
"I love her" Daehyun confessed.
Not wanting to believe his ears,
"What?!" Jinyoung asked, slightly taken back at the sudden exposure of the -possibly- true emotion.
Daehyun is capable of more than lying but what the heck?!
"..You CAN'T be serious" Jinyoung retorted at Daehyun's confession, anger fuming into such intensity that both men were hoping that Ahn ah wasn't anywhere near hearing range.
"Just give me a chance- I'm not joking around this time Jinyoung hyung. I was done with that years ago-" Daehyun's honesty came out raw, his sincere tone practically begging.
"If you are near her, 'years ago' will come back! You knew that! Now it's too late!!"
Jinyoung slammed a fist on the marble coffee table.
The painful collision bursted out a warm flow of blood to coat his bare hand.
He didn't care-
The pain in his heart grew immensly, more painful than the swelling fist.
Daehyun winced at Jinyoung's sudden action, knowing him well enough to understand that it meant Jinyoung has gone berserk.
Without a reply, Jinyoung slumped past Daehyun, shooting him another glare of death before trudging through the exit.
"I better not see you in my sight again" Jinyoung spat bitterly as he swung open the studio door.
Daehyun pushed his luck in exchange of an answer.
"Wh-Why didn't you tell her? If you hate me so much, why don't you tell her?"
Daehyun's anger broke, causing him to raise the volume and catch the attention of Jinyoung, who was a only dust particles away from the exit.
Jinyoung closed the door in all silence, turned around, and walked towards Daehyun, face-on.
"Because she'd die if she knew" Jinyoung said, reaching and picking up Daehyun's finger with the ring on.
Jinyoung threw a death glare at their symbol of "love", electrified with complete hatred and - jealously.
But beyond those simple feelings, there was a bigger picture- more complicated emotions mixed in with the situation.
A bigger secret.
Daehyun just thought he meant that Ahn ah would die from sadness, a mere exaggeration, as he roughly shook away from Jinyoung's annoyed grasp on his symbol of Ahn ah.
Jinyoung was being 100% honest when he stated that she'd DIE from knowing. He didn't want Daehyun to tell her, Daehyun wanted the secret kept.
A fair deal, unless Daehyun couldn't handle it anymore or when they are about to break up and he tells her everything. Now that is the worst that could happen.
Only few people remained alive that has the knowledge of this blood-stained truth.
2 of the people are Jinyoung and Daehyun.
1 is Jinyoung's mother,
2 others- the masterminds- are too dangerous.
And one another is the mastermind's twin, who's dangerously within a close range
"Daehyun- she'll DIE if she knows. Die as in death." Jinyoung shuddered at his own words, hating the forbidden secret.
Daehyun's eyes widend, but his assumptions weren't much off target.
So to put it in a little box with a bow, Ahn ah would die if she figured out about Jinyoung's secret, and Ahn ah would die if she brought Daehyun closer to her heart.
Daehyun saw this coming and used Ahn ah and his celebirity popularity as an advantage, keeping Ahn ah away from him as much as he could handle it, but at the end of the day, they would be thirsting for each other, wanting to see each other more and more.
If Ahn ah broke one of the two rules, Worst case scenario : She would face death emotionally and physically.
She was trapped without realizing it.
Jinyoung shifted, waking up from the terrible thoughts and the "what if"s.
Ahn ah has to be protected.
And it might be too late-
"Make sure to warn your friend. This is the final warning I'm going to tell you. Take care of Ahn ah. Arasso?"
Jinyoung spoke, the conclusion in his heart tearing him to pieces.
Daehyun nodded, knowing all too well that the situation has to be taken care of, and Jinyoung was more than breaking his rules in order to keep Ahn ah happy and clueless.
"T-Thanks. Brother" Daehyun managed to speak as Jinyoung ran out the exit.
-----------------------------------
I was just taking a stroll in the TS Ent. building and I see Jinyoung oppa.
My feet picks up their pace and I run towards his direction.
Something's not right-
As I was giving him a visual-check up, my scan froze on his hand.
"O..Oppa!!" I exclaimed, taking his freaking bloody hand in mine.
I reached in my purse for my handkerchief and gently wrapped the cloth around his wound.
What the fudge happen in there?
"Ahn ah, it's nothing-" he tried to lie. This man - tried to lie.
I mean come on-
His hand is bleeding, and my ex is trying to freaking lie.
I decided to save the questions for later as I push Jinyoung oppa's back.
"What are you doing?" Jinyoung oppa grumbled, knowing all too well of my hatred towards open wounds and the overreaction I had to them.
"You're not going anywhere until you get this cleansed" I firmly stated, heading towards the best first-aid kit I know of, which is located in my dorm.
Half dragging and half pushing Jinyoung oppa, I managed to get into the apartment building.
I carefully performed my routine of checking for any witnesses and just found the empty hallway. I tiptoed to my apartment door and unlocked the door, swinging in Jinyoung oppa first.
I made a beeline to the first aid kit area. Yes I have an area for it specifically because I was studying to become a doctor before I found my true calling for music.
Dragging Jinyoung oppa with me, I pushed him into the "patient" chair.
With the cold-water dampened cleansing cloth, I took his hand delicately in mine and started wiping away excessive blood that managed to cover his hand completely.
"What did you do?" I scolded, scrubbing a clump of dried blood.
Jinyoung oppa let out a soft laugh, just watching me scrub and rub away.
"No. Seriously, what did you do with Daehyun oppa? Is he still contact in one piece?" I asked, worry filling my sincere heart.
Jinyoung was tired of her keeping the secret from him. He already knew she was lying and already had figured out her secret. He'd know anyways.
He might as well as make her spill out the truth-
"Why are you so concerned?" Jinyoung started, moving his thoughts into actions.
My contact with Jinyoung's skin made me flinch.
Aw crap.
Now I can't say "nothing".
"He's one of the B.A.P oppas- they take care of me all the time and it's a natural habit to worry about Daehyun oppa when he was alone in a room with you and you come out of there with a bloody hand." I reasoned, not having told a single lie.
Jinyoung oppa pressed his fingers around my metal ring, pressuring my guilt.
"Why did I see the same ring on Daehyun?" He calmly asked, as if he actually didn't know the answer.
I had nothing to lose-
Jinyoung oppa won't tell anyone, he was in a secret relationship himself and he'd be the one I'd tell it to.
"It's.. Confidential information?" I tried, only gaining a nudge from him.
"All right all right, I'll tell you..... Daehyun oppa and I are... Secretly.. Going out." I sighed, feeling like a load has been lifted off my heart.
Jinyoung oppa just nodded.
"Now was that so hard to say?" He fake-whined, bringing the last patience I had within me to not give him one of my "special" slaps.
"You already knew?" I questioned, both of us not surprised to our expectations.
"Oh come on Ahn ah- you never wear any other ring then your butterfly one and when you do, it means something reallly special." Jinyoung spoke, gesturing to himself with his free hand.
I rolled my eyes and pressed down on the wound, making him pay for the silliness.
"Aish! It hurts!" Jinyoung groaned, promising not to joke around like that.
"So what did you do to my Daehyun oppa?" I asked once more, my heart feeling like it will explode anytime soon.
I didn't refer to Daehyun oppa as my boyfriend, for that would be the world's most retarded thing you can refer to him as, in front of your ex-boyfriend. I just said "my" Daehyun oppa, enough to trigger some jealousy into Jinyoung oppa but not enough for him to go off on it.
"He's fine, I slammed the table not him. We just had a well-civilized talk." Jinyoung oppa explained.
I doubt it was well-civilized. I was in an office room right next to the recording room, and I could hear yells through the thick sound proof wall. I couldn't make out any words but it sounded like a lion and tiger roaring in there.
"Okay, so it's your turn to fess up- since when did you know Daehyun oppa?" I asked, having considered this question more than once.
I mean, for them to go off on each other like that, they'd have to know each other right? Nobody would get THAT mad and punch a freaking table just because a stranger is dating their ex.
Something else was hidden underneathe this scene.
I looked up into Jinyoung oppa's worried eyes as I taped the bandage on to his knuckles.
"Ahn ah- you promised you won't try to figure things out" Jinyoung oppa replied, his worries were coming true - she's starting to suspect things.
She's too smart to be clueless.
"But why does it feel like this situation is linked to me?" I asked, almost questioning myself.
"Try to forget." Jinyoung oppa answered, leaning and kissing my forehead.
Sparks spazzed down my forehead to my heart and triggered the familiar sensation-
I miss him.
More than just as a "boyfriend"..
But what?
But I managed to shrug it off and show a simple smile, not letting my complicated emotions come through.
"All done!" I announced, smoothing out the surface of the last bandage sticker.
Jinyoung oppa stood up and suddenly wrapped me around in his arms.
I missed this place- in his arms I thought every wish and dream would come true-
But now, it was the exact opposite. The ring on my finger felt like a heavy rock, guilt washing over me.
A sudden mix of sadness and gladness came over me as Jinyoung oppa let go.
"Thanks Ahn ah. I better get going-" Jinyoung oppa stated, heading towards the door.
He disappeared through the door, waving a hand at me.
I sent my farewells through a smile and nodded at his good-bye.
I just let him leave, my dumbfound state gluing me to the floor.
I fumbled around with the first-aid kit, organizing the medicine creams and gauze cloths.
I barely managed to put the kit back to its original position before crashing to the floor.
My legs gave out and sprawled on the wooden floor, its strenghth diminishing away as my sobs grew louder.
I was alone again, helpless and crying like a kid.
Weak, vulnerable,hopeless-
Everything I wasn't raised up as.
I could feel my dad's shame for having such a pitiful daughter.
Crying because she's scared-
Helplessly scared.
"Daddy... I'm sorry.. I'm a - b..bad daughter." I sobbed between hiccups, apologizing to someone who probably couldn't hear me up there.
I just leaned against the counter and sobbed, and curled into a scared little ball, holding onto myself for comfort.
My brain was alarming me : Get up Baek Ahn ah! Never crumble down!
But what can my heart do?
It was broken and in so much pain.
I felt my tired concious overcome me and closed my heavy eyelids.
"Daehyun" I mumbled, his muffled name slipped out of my lips before I was completely swallowed into the depths of the sudden attack of a drowsy sleep.
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