Bits of Pain
Managing You & Me
The only thing seperating me from Jiho is this freaking enterance door.
Yes I decided to see my long lost (actaully forgotten) best friend of mine. Turns out he didn't visit me after the incident. (Which means it's "safe" to see him)
Because he FREAKING thought it was HIS fault. Why? 'Cus we are some very loserly friends who care for each other too much and feel guilty for something we haven't done.
Yeah. Stupid's the word.
Bringing my knuckle up, I knocked on the door.
Then, I hear a reply grumble from a guy.
"Aish. Who is it?"
Darn. I forgot that all Block B memebers would be here.
Duh. It's a dorm.
Mentally slapping myself, I come face to face .. Well...
Face to chest with a shirtless guy.
Quickly turning my gaze away, he scratchs his head and asks,
"Who are you?"
I glance and gestured to his public bareness.
His face quickly reddens as he runs back inside.
Huh. I hope he didn't JUST realize I'm a girl.
"Jaehyo~ what's going on?"
I hear a groan.
From a voice that I know too well of. Before I can stop my actions, my hands fled to the door and slammed it open.
" Yah Woo Jiho!!"
7 pairs of eyes were staring at me, one with a shirt halfway on.
Another pair of eyes were particularly huge, tracing up and down my too-familiar sillouette of leather and rebellious looks.
Thankfully catching on to this, the BlockB memers shifted out the living room, leaving me and Jiho alone.
Finally, the eery silence was broken by a shocked stutter.
"..Ahn ah? Baek ..Ah..n ah!?"
"Who else? You dumb !"
That should have made 100% clear that yes, it's AHN AH.
"..h..How are you back?!"
His shock remained present, and I explained to him, everything.
"Yah. Woo Jiho. It wasn't your fault. Why did you think it was your fault I almost died? That's a retarded thought."
I scolded, a serious tone carrying out the messge.
He nodded in agreement and spoke up.
" Just like Byunghun said.
Stay away from Jinyoung... For now I guess. I think you'll understand when you retrieve all your memories back. Maybe you never will, but all the same, keep a distance. Pretend like nothing happend. Okay?"
His honest seriousness caught me, my head only nodding in response.
Again. Jiho too.
Why do I have to stay away from the one I once loved?
Why?
And there, my questions were left unanswered again.
Jiho and I chatted for the longest time as we filled each other up with our new daily information.
As our conversation carried on, my head was swievelling around, crazily mad about my unanswered questions.
------------------------------
Am I ready to do this?
I don't know.
Today, I have to go back to work.
Where Jinyoung is.
Even the name brings a prickling pain up my everywhere.
It hurts how I can't say his name like I used to.
It hurts to realize he's not mine because I let go.
And because of all these warnings and a tug from my heart,
I have to keep a distance from him.
Sighing down a trembling cry, I enter the WM HQ building.
Past the hallway, I take a turn to greet the B1A4 members.
Here we go.
"AHN AHH!~~ "
I'm greeted by a squished hug by Gongchan oppa.
" Ahn ah we missed you so much!"
He continued his breath-stealing hug.
Gagging for some oxygen in my system, I could only choke out, "I.. missed.. Yo..u.. T.too"
He finally let go, my lungs cheering for its freedom.
Baro oppa came and ruffled my hair, Sandeul oppa came and hugged me (much more air suitable) and CNU oppa gave me a fist bump. After two weeks, a fist bump. But then again that's what you get from a calm sunbee like Dongwoo (CNU) oppa.
Then there he was,
Piercing a knife in my heart.
I quickly plastered a smile on my face, prepared to pretend, and walked up to him. His gaze was staring through my soul.
"Welcome back Ahn ah"
His voice. OH HIS VOICE.
I missed him so much.
Knowing the fact that I loved him, and I literally CAN'T anymore,
it's too much.
I can't take this anymore.
I just replied with my fake plastered smile and made for the restroom.
Smashing my fist on the porcelain sink, I swallow down a weak sob that dared to try and come out of my plaster-smile.
I look into the mirror and see a girl battling her feelings and emotions.
In one of B1A4's songs, "Only Learned Bad Things", Jinyoung sings a part where it says "You're the prettiest when you're smiling."
Replaying this phrase over and over again, a true smile sprouted from my heart and bloomed on my face.
Then it hit me.
The songs.
Wouldn't Jinyoung write them down somewhere?
Wouldn't he have written about me?
A chipped image of a yellow journal flashed in my head.
Yes.
He has a journal.
It could be the key to finding my lost memories, the reason I can't be with my lover, and the answers to my tornado of questions.
I have to know, for me and him.
This might be what we all waited for. Right here in front of me, almost within my grasps.
I run back to the office, my target set on Jinyoung, mind focused on getting that journal. I wear my smile on my lips and calmly walk into the room. Footsteps delicate, I walk straight to Jinyoung.
"Sorry~ I had to go to the restroom!"
He let out that smile and my heart almost melted. No. I can't break down yet.
"Oh Jinyoung oppa! I was wondering where you write down your lyrics. Over the break I thought of how B1A4's personal minds were in the songs and I thought you might have like a booklet."
Trying not to be obvious, pleading myself to keep my increasing anticipation hidden, I act with all the "pretend" I can display.
Bingo.
Jinyoung's surprised eyes show confusion, doubt, happiness, and sorrow.
And of course I know the meaning behind it. But I can't explode now. Just a bit more is all I have to endure.
Jinyoung finally sighs, glances at me, and spoke , " Follow me".
Yes.
I am a genius.
I fooled my own (ex?) boyfriend.
Mwah.ha.ha
He led me into the recording room, where he picked up a yellow journal. The very one I saw in that flash of memory.
His face showed all kinds of sadness as he slid out the journal for me.
"This is where I keep my.. Everything. Is this enough?"
I silently nodded, showing a slight smile.
Jinyoung's hands came up to my face and tucked some of my loose hair behind my ears, traveled to my cheeks and softly caressed it.
My eyes widening in surprise and mind leaping from the sudden happiness, my cheeks flushed a hue of pink.
Jinyoung let out a soft laugh and slid his hands away, stared at me for the last time, and walked away from the room.
I stood for a moment, frozen in sadness and joy, until I realized I have the journal.
Right.
Back to the point now.
I slide my hands on top of the yellow leather cover.
I definitely saw this before, but when?
See? Another unanswered question.
Without a hesitation, I flipped open the cover.
First page, it slaps my heart, hard.
Another punch of memory-guilt landed its blow on my heart.
Because the FIRST PAGE says :
To my Ahn ah.
I flip the page, landing on a song by Jinyoung, and of course, the title is "Bling Girl". The first song he wrote, for me.
Fumbling to another page, my heart is literally suffocating of pain now. I read the words:
Tried to walk
All alone
By myself
Leaving you
Coming here
I'll forget
Erase you
From my heart
Now burned to ashes.
Walking the road alone, you're not there, not there
My heart finally burst, sending out sobs and incoherent words to my mouth. A snippet of remebered emotions surfaced, warning me of another flashback.
I thought it was me who was left alone, it was me they walked away from, but I was so wrong
It wasn't me
It was him.
I left him, yet he never left me.
I thought he was a jerk for leaving me, all alone, by myself
But it wasn't me who was left by myself,
It was him.
Mentally beating myself up,
I flipped another page.
There were random doodles and scratchy pen marks, and few words that I could make out.
Ahn ah
Is gone
But here
With me.
Tears welled up and this time I let them. Because the next scribble of words shot a searing pain in my head, swelling up my fragile heart, and broke it into pieces.
"She would never forgive me"
...........
The clash of flashbacks broke through my head.
Finally.
Now I officially don't care if I die.
- Flashback -
"Dad! I'm home!~~"
My cheery voice rung through the cozy house, earning replies and warmgreetings from my family.
"Aigoo~ our Ahn ah's back from school!~"
It's school break and I'm home.
Like legit HOME.
FINALLY.
Settling down my luggage in my room, Dad greeted me in his "cutesy" fatherly way.
Walking towards my loving mother, I flash my recent report card in front of her face.
"Guess who's number 1 in school?"
My all 100~106 grade report card proudly displayed my top-achieving grades.
Oh and also I have the best grades in the whole friggin school. That too.
All in this paper, black and white.
I know.
I was surprised too.
Mom and Dad's eyes were as huge as it can be.
"Ahn...ah!! We're so proud of you! We didn't even ask for this! ~Does our Ahn ah want something really bad?"
Okay. Time for the truth to spill.
Fingers crossed, squeezing my eyes shut, I inhale a cold puff of air.
"I have a boyfriend."
Opening my eyes to a chinky squint ,(don't judge. Yes I opened my eyes. They aren't THAT chinky in the first place) I come to face an expectedly shocked father, and an unexpectedly smiling mother.
"I knew it! I was worried you would never get one! Phew! Is it Byunghun or Jiho? " Sighed Mom.
"Uhrr no?!" I replied, kind of taken back at her response.
Whaaa?? Aren't mothers suppose to be the opposite like in K-dramas where they are like "NO YOU'RE TOO YOUNG!"? I guess I underestimated my mom's coolness.
On the other hand, dad's priceless expression pronounced all the mixed confusion, anger, fear, and other junk to a crystal-clear point.
He was shocked.
Kekeke I'm such a badass daughter.
I get it from him though.
So they took it easier than I thought it would be, because it's so SUDDEN an all.
I come home in like, 5 months, come back and BOOM!
I have a boyfriend mom and dad!
So after consoling my dear father,
I headed to my lovely room.
Stepping inside,I feel the warm hugging embrace.
I take in all the bits of memories, sunlight kisses, and teddybear fluff.
Then, I hear this commotion outside the house door that I completely ignored.
But I shouldn't have because I realized that I forgot about the two dorkheads that came like they always do,NO KNOCKING, ready to stay at my house for the whole break.
This is like a second home to them, since their parents are back
in America.
A smirk lightly played on my lips as I heard their feet shuffle behind me, into my only location of privacy.
"Yah! Haven't you guys learned ANYTHING from that room incident?"
I was referring to the time when we were 6 years old and Byunghun and Jiho walked into my room when I was .
Yes. FREAKING .
It's funny how they never knocked afterwards either.
Dorky s.
Rolling my eyes, I pivot from my spot, facing Byunghun and Jiho, and yes, I'm fully clothed. If they wanted to see me now, oh they would have their common senses punched back into their sorry systems already by me.. And dad. He's a cop.
Only smirks were shared. We all knew that we were glad to see each other back in our Korean homes, first time since we were little kids.
I slung my arms carelessly around them bestfriends. They've gotten taller than me, making this a bit complex. Not caring about a thing in the world, we all look around my room, enveloped in the warm sensation.
They decided to take advantage of the school break and take a break from their idol promotions too.
YAY
This means I'll get to see them everyday, whether I like it or not.
.... Nevermind on that YAY.
"It's dinnertime kiddos!"
My mom's voice woke us up from our lingering trance.
We made our way to the dinner table and smiled ear to ear seeing our favorite chef's infamous dwenjangjjigae*.
No words had to be shared. My mom is the best and this jiigae is one of her magical creations that we all love.
"Dig in!~ "
Mom encouraged our already hyped-up hunger.
So we did.
Inhaling the soup, chomping down on rice, up the banchan*, we tornadoed our way through the dinner table.
I felt a burp come up, and smirked as we all burped in a strange chorus.
"Ahh~ Auntie~ your food is always daebak*!" Byunghun exclaimed with two thumbs up, sighing in pure contentment.
They called mom Auntie as long as we can remeber, even back in America.
"Yup! Auntie's food's what's up bruh!!" Jiho complemented, earning a proud smile from mommy.
"You rascals are always welcome to my food!" My mom playfully replied.
After the complements of satisfied happiness, we headed out to the town playground, our good ole "headquarters".
You have now idea how much I freaking missed this creaky old wooden swing.
I plop my behind down and rock my feet back and forth. Laughing out in joy, Byunghun pushed me from the behind and Jiho slung into another swing next to mine.
After sniffing in our childhood air,
we played tag, and now are in midst of the deadly battle of hide-and-seek. This whole playground is set up like a maze and when you're caught by Jiho the great, there's no getting out from his evil punishment.
He did earn his name of Jiho THE GREAT for a reason afterall.
Holding in my heavy breaths, I count backwards from 100 to keep myself controlled from panicking cuz of Jiho the predetor, who was stalking his prey hungrily.
Yeah. Me and Byunghun.
I was about to make a run for it when a soft palm of a hand wrapped around my mouth.
I silently turned around, having to come face-to-face with Byunghun who's lips were only millimeters away from mine.
Usually, I wouldn't have been startled or anything by our lack of personal space, but it must have been the whole "idol-getup" that effected my actions.
I freaking blushed and stared helplessly at his sweet brown eyeballs.
And yes, I do have a boyfriend.
Who ,by the way, hasn't contacted me back ever since school break. I guess his phone broke or something.
Back to the game, I blink with blankness in my own eyes,due to the sudden face-to-face meeting with Byunghun. He formed his palm into a finger across my mouth and signaled me to shush.
"Follow my lead if you don't want to die from Jiho's punishing humiliation."
He whispered.
There were no second guessings needed. I'd do anything to avoid Jiho's public humiliation punishment. Don't ask.
Byunghun and I only had 5 more minutes to endure. Only 5 more minutes until the winning triumph falls into our grasps.
Squirming around in a squatted position, I kneel into a crawling position , following Byunghun's orders. We slither into a small, tight compartment that I assumed was just extra space underneath the giant slide. Byunghun squirmed inside and I squeezed up right next to him. Just like before, we were only eyelash-lengths away, our bodies already entangled from the lack of compartment space.
Byunghun's heavy breaths traveled down my neck, sending tickles through my body. I stare up to his face, catching details I haven't realized before. His scars from our "playing time" had healed up, he still had that mole on the right side of his chin, along his jawline. He now had orange curl-locks, promoting "don't spray perfume". Of course, Niel sings 90% of the song and our little L.joe gets like 0.5%
Byunghun's wild gaze relaxed as Jiho walked away from danger zone. Then, it landed on me. Our faces far apart enough for only air to come through, silence passed between our widened eyes.
Yet, I didn't look away.
*****Byunghun's Story******
Hhhhaaaahhhh~~
That scary Jiho has left our danger zone. That was close.
Speaking of close,
Ahnah's face was FREAKING close. Like REALLY close.
Then, she was staring at my face.
My idol-ness must be rubbing off on her sight. She never looked at me that way.
So close though.
Almost enough.
Without thinking, my stupid self leans forward and sealed all remaining space between us as my lips reached in for hers.
To top this off,
She didn't pull back.
***** End of Byunghun's Story****
WHAT THE NAME OF GODS AND BACON?!
My lips were definitely touching his, and for SOME FU*KING REASON, I didn't pull back.
Dear lips, I have a boyfriend.
Of course my lips didn't listen because it moved with a mind of its own. Then, my body kind of took control and decided to make today a "Ignore everything Ahnah says Day." Well fu*k you too organs.
My heartbeat paced faster, my eyes slid close, and my hands reached for Byunghun's, which were coming in my direction.
All space between Byunghun and I were closed.
The soft and warm sensation enveloped us two people in that tiny space into a world of pure bli-
WOAH WHAT THE FU*K AM I FU*KING SAYING?!!?
I slap my mentally challenged mental system and split my eyes open. Byunghun's eyes were closed, focusing on the whole kiss.
Right on time, I shut close my eyes as he opened his and our lips parted for air. My red-hot face was uncontrollably heated up, and the tiny compartment suddenly became a mini-oven.
Opening my eyes, I see a shocked Byunghun with an almost happy grin and a MORE shocked reflection of me in his eyes.
Like I said, WHAT THE FU*K JUST FUC*ING HAPPEND??!?!??!
"TIME'S UP GUYS! You win! Aish! Come out now!"
Jiho's frustrated yell startled both of us, me scrambling out for the exit first without a word to Byunghun. I'm too. FREAKING. Shocked.
Dear me,
You have a boyfriend that you love. So slap yourself and go die!
I kept sending mental letters to myself as I came out of the compartment looking like I've been hit with a frying pan.
Actually, inside my head was an explosion of mature language and something that looks a lot like :
AW491("!¥\•?=]*_£?=lFoqhzč'~£\•}*[¥.!.¥_+}^[•'xnkflqur
I finally manage a quick glance at Byunghun, and he looks like he's in a fireworks parade right now.
Okay, I'll admit it. I'm not THAT slow. I kinda always thought Byunghun liked me, (or at least I hoped he did) until now.
But this just made things heck of a crystal-clear confusion of true feelings.
"Woah . Guys. Did you see a ghost or something?"
Jiho spoke, shattering our foggy train of thoughts.
"Huh? What! No? What ghost?! I didn't see a ghost!"
I ranted all in one breath.
Jiho's eyebrows mysteriously goes up, his creepy glances exchange between Byunghun and me.
I face palm myself and carry my wobbly legs back to my house.
"Byung Joe! Did you finally do it?!"
Jiho's obviously audible voice rung through the empty playground, as we made our way back to my house.
Dear me, please DO kill yourself. You just kissed your BESTFRIED, when you had a BOYFRIEND. How desperate are you?
I mean, it was JUST a kiss right? Nothing serious.... Right?
Ugh.
I check my phone for any reply messages from Jinyoung.
Still none.
Author's Note:
I procrastinated so MUCH that I don't really consider myself Asian anymore.. (Jk but still)
I'm SO SORRY READERS! I love you guys for sticking with my snail-speed updates
i give you permission to virtually slap me.
HAPPY.... READING!!
T.T
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