(((back in 2014)))

Taeyeon's

"What happened?" I asked yul after she got back from the hospital. She drove sica to the hospital after she collapsed from our practice. Yes, sica collapsed... Again. It's her third time actually. She is really stressed and tired for sure.

"The doctor said that it's a critical condition. Her pregnancy is not the same as others that can do things that much. Unlike you and tiffany, her condition is not good. It will not be good for the baby if she continue being the Ceo of the blanc and at the same time, a part of girls' generation" I sigh. Aish. I knew this would happen. She is already stressed being a member, then there's also her company. What should we do now?

Our comeback is going to be next month. Everything is already settled. We can't gave her hiatus nor we can't postpone the comeback. We just can't.

"Please ask our manager not to tell Sm about jessica's pregnancy." i told yuri before leaving the practice room.

What should we do in this state?! We can't tell sm about this. They might file lawsuit against jessica or worse, they might kick jessica out of the group. We can't afford to lose jessica, she's been a part of girls' generation for years and she's our friend for god's sake! I sighed for the second time. There's a rule in our contract which we can't be pregnant as we still work as an sm artist.

Damn! What should we do now?!

"Taeyeon-ah" Sooyoung was walking when she saw me spacing out in the middle of the hallway of the sm building. Yeah, im spacing out, damn. "I've heard about it. What should we do?" She asked in a worried tone making me smile bitterly. What should we do? I don't even know what to think right now but as a leader of this group, im responsible to decide on what we should do. "She should rest, we can't let her be stubborn this time."

"But, what if everyone starts to think that she's just being busy with blanc? That she is just focusing on blanc. You know netizens---"

"I don't care about them anymore! It's better than losing someone." I can't bare to lose sica... Not even her baby.

***

"Stop it, sica! I already told you that you can't go with us on the concert in china nor the concert in tokyo dome!" I told her in a pissed tone. She's seriously a hard headed girl. Why can't she get it?!

"What the--- Taeyeon, i have told you so many times, right?! I'll be fair with the group and the blanc! I will do my part as a member of girls' generation and at the same time, i'll do my thing for blanc!"

Damn. She is really a hard headed girl! Why can't she get it?! We already told her so many times! Her pregnancy is not the same as mine and fany!

"Tell me, do you still hate me that much?! That you want me out of the group already? Like what you did with the sub unit?" I was in awe when she suddenly speak about the sub unit. About the TJT who became TTS.

I calmed myself. I can't answer her in a yelling tone. We are both pregnant. We can't keep arguing.

"You're talking nonsense, Sica. I've told you before,right? You are already Famous that time! You even have full schedules to deal with. You'll be over worked if you will also be in a sub unit, that's when i ask sm if seohyun can do the sub unit instead of you."

"I know, ok? I know! Even if it hurts like hell because i felt you denied me as a member, as a friend! What i can't understand is, why you didn't you talked to me for the past 2 years?"

What the? I thought i already told her? That i was just really pissed and angry that time, because that time, i was also heartbroken because of our breakup, leeteuk.

"Sica..."

"And then after 2 years? You suddenly talked to me? Just after you got into relationship with baekhyun? So tell me, taeyeon, your anger towards leeteuk, you poured everything towards me, didn't you?" I was speechless. I can't argue with her no more. She's right, i vent my anger to her and that's my biggest mistake.

But i thought, she understand it already? That i was just really stressed and really heart broken since leeteuk is my first guy--- i thought she understand it because she got the same feeling when she broke up with Taecyeon?

But she's right. I bit my lowe lips. I was guilty. She's right, to start with and im just really stupid to hurt her. To be cold to her for the past 2 years. Our friendship is ruined because of a mistake... And that mistake is not hers but mine... im really sorry about it. What i can only do is say sorry, .

I sigh as i close my eyes, wishing everything will be alright as i open my eyes... But opening my eyes made my heart pound faster.

I wish im just halucinating but no...

Sica got bloods under her dress. There's blood even on the floor.

.

***

"Taeyeon, what happened? The baby almost lose!" Sunny said as she gave me a worried look. I sigh.

The seven of us are all here in the practice room. Sica was hospitalized again because of what happened earlier. She was now with her personal manager in the hospital.

"It's my fault. I did mean things to her before." I said as look at the floor. I do want to follow sica to the hospital like hyoyeon but i can't. I still have schedules and i don't want sm to think something is off.

"Stop it, You know that she's pregnant. She is just sensitive right now." Yuri said as she pat my shoulder. I sigh, even if i think of it so many times,i know it's my fault...

Everything is my fault.

***

"We need to hiatus sica. The doctor already stated that it will be a big danger if we continue to overwork her." Hyoyeon stated as she enter our dorm. She came from the hospital and looks like she's also stress because of what's happening.

"But, our comeback is all ready. We can't postponed it! What are we going to say to the Sm? To the sones?! They might think that Jessica is just busy because of her clothing line!"
Tiffany said in a worried tone---i know what's going on her mind. She's not being selfish but she's just thinking of sica's image. Again, we are in deep thoughts. How will this end up? What will happen?

"Fany is right, Hyo. We can't tell sm! They might file lawsuit against Jessica. That will cause much stress on her!" Yuri even added.

"Then what should we do?! The doctor already said it! We can't continue like this. The baby is in a critical condition! She might lose the baby anytime! Taeyeon, tell me, im right, right? We should tell the Sm about Jessica's condition. That way, they will know more on what to do." Hyoyeon asked me. Everyone was looking at me, everyone in the room is anticipating their leader's decision.

I gulped. I can't decide.

I know sm, i know how they work. For sure, they will file lawsuit and will not hear our words. Sm is not even good terms with jessica because of blanc and then this? I know, they might kick her out of the group once they knew this. They are already thinking of a way for kicking sica since she's not making much money for sm right now.

Damn, this is nerve wrecking.

Suddenly, the door of our dorm opened. It was our group manager, "The Ceo is calling for you."

***

"As I've heard sica is not doing well, right now. She is always hospitalized, she can't even afford going in some events of the group because of these events." The Ceo started as we got on our seats on his office.

"She's just stress because of everything, sir." Sunny said, siding to jessica's. The Ceo then look at me and gave me a smile. I knew this would happen.

I knew this...

"I knew this, Her own clothing line will just be a big burden for her as a member of the group but what can i do? It's not written in the contract." He said as he shrug. I know what he is thinking.

I thought about it, i thought of it so many times. Finding more ways to get out of this problem but there's no more choice...

"Plans, taeyeon?" He asked making me sigh. I guess... This is our end, Sica?

"Sir, i had a thought. She's been part of girls' generation for years, already but... With her actions right now, being selfish--- thinking about herself only, i think it's time to... Depart her from the group." The other seven members then gasp while our Ceo? He looks entertained by my answer.

"Since she already do plans for her future and she's just being a burden for the group--- i guess it's time for girls' generation to continue... Without her."

I had a clench fist all the time im talking. I never thought i'll say those words and im very sorry sica, you never become a burden to the group. It's just that... I need to choose. Im sorry sica.

Sorry because i hated you for years and now---  it's already our end. As friends... As bestfriends.

"We will have a talk about this. You can now go. Maybe next week or in the end of september--- i'll let you know what will happen." He said making me stood up and bow. I went out first since i can't contain my feelings anymore.

I walked straight to the practice room. I sat in the middle of the room and look at my self in the mirror.

You made the right choice, taeyeon. You did the best choice--- even if it's hurt for me like crazy. I-i just betrayed her again. I just denied her again and i know she'll cry for this again.

Unconciously, as i stare at myself mirror. Tears fell down. I can't stop it. I don't want to stop it. I want to release everything.

"Taeyeon..." A mad voice suddenly spoke. I know they are mad at me, for doing a nonsense choice.

"What the hell?! How can you say that?! Are you still angry to sica for shuting 2 years ago?! Is this still part of your revenge?! My god, taeyeon! You just betrayed our sister! Your bestfriend!" Tiffany cried. I was staring at myself at the mirror.

"Im a real , i know." I laugh as i look at myself.

"What the---" tiffany was about to burst out when sunny tried to stop her. She helped her to calm down before she can go near me. "Taeyeon, what's that? Please explain." Sunny tried to control herself as she speak to me.

"Tell me sunny, is it jessica or her daughter?" I tried to speak between my sobs. "What are you talking about?! You can just ing tell the Ceo about jessica's pregnancy! You can just ing tell him to postponed the comeback!" Hyoyeon shouted at me.

I smile bitterly as i stood up and face the seven of them. "What do you think will happen if sm knew about mine, tiffany and jessica's pregnancy? Or, let's just say if they knew about jessica's?" I stated.

"Filing lawsuits, causing her stress, whole world knowing about her pregnancy and then sm winning the lawsuit--- kicking jessica out of the group. We all know that sm will win since pregnancy is really probihited in our contracts.  Now tell me, do you think, after all of that, jessica can still stay with us? Of course it's a no." All of them is starting to get teary, i guess they can now understand my decision.

"Or what if, let's just tell the sm to kick her out? Atleast, she departed peacefully,silently. No lawsuits, no stress. Just fanwars but that doesn't count, right?" I asked them. They are all speechless.

"Im right, right? Please, tell me i did the right choice. Because my guilt is killing me. Cause even if i say that so many times, my mind is killing me because of guilt. I become a bad leader and i even betrayed my member. Damn, it just hurt so bad." Again, tears flow.

"I'll talk to my uncle, i'll tell them to kick jessica as soon as possible." Sunny said as she starts to wipe her tears. Tiffany then went to me and hugged me, saying stop crying even tho she's also crying. I want to cheer the mood but i can't because me,myself can't cheer myself too.

"But unnie..." Maknae suddenly spoke. "What about you and fany unnie? The two of you are also pregnant." Seohyun asked making everyone look at us. I smiled bitterly.
"We've been a group of girls singing and dancing infront of everyone for almost eight years already but... We need to stop too, right?

***

"Guys, can i talk to you all?" She spoke in a calm and worried tone. I glance at everybody who's inside the practice room---us nine was left in here since our choreographer already left the pr room.

It was the fourth week of september and it's been weeks after we started acting cold to sica. We always leave her and starts acting cold to her---offcam even oncam. Fans are starting to notice our coldness to sica, which means for sure, sica already notice our new treatment on her too.

"Talk already. We still have to pack our things for the trip to china." Hyoyeon told in an impatient tone. I bit my lower lip since i can't stand this situation. Maybe, we would laugh inside if this is just a hidden camera or maybe a suprise birthday for her but none of that was our intention because we just want her to withdraw herself from the group, that simple.

We didn't tell her about me suggesting the CEO to kick her from the group cause for sure, she'll just be mad. So we decided to become cold to her and act as if we don't care for her. If we will just ask her to withdraw from the group, for sure---she will just be more stubborn.

"W-why are you treating me like this? D-did i made a mistake?" She asked as she bow her head, looking at the floor of the room. The atmosphere starts to get serious. No one dare to answer her question but, there's yoona's question, "Unnie..."

"Is it Us or Blanc?" Everyone was dumbfounded at her question but i understand what's in yoong's mind. "W-what?" Sica was taken aback at the question.

"Just choose between Girls' Generation and Blanc!" Yoona yelled. No, she will never yell at her precious unnie---her favorite unnie. But we need to get Sica's answer. Is it us... Or her company?

If it's us, then we will fight for her, we will never let go of her, even if sm disband us, even if sm file lawsuits to us, even if we all got kicked out by the company--we will fight for sica.

But if it's her company, we would let go of her. We will not bother her again. It's better to choose her company, right? Because it's just easy as that, because she will not be too much stress---maybe she'll cry but it will heal after days anyway. We are just her friends, afterall.

So please, sica, just choose what's better for you.

"What a sick question is that, yoona? W-wait, are you playing around again? Is this a hidden camera?" No one answered her thus, everyone just stared at her. Waiting for her answer.

"Yah! P-please... Please tell me this is just a joke because it's hurting already. It's not funny anymore." I avoided glances because for sure, anytime, i could cry.

Damn, this is more painful than having million of haters.

"Just answer her question so that we can already go. We still have to pack our things for the fan meeting in china!" Sunny said with her infamous face. Sica starts getting teary making other members starts to bit their lower lips to contain their cries and sobs.

"If you choose Girls' Generation then shut down the Blanc." Fany said coldly. I start to clench my teeth because of the guilt. Damn, i want to cry. This maybe our last conversation.

"Yah, stop it. This joke is seriously sick." Sica stated boldly, as if she's not crying buckets of tears. "Just ing answer!" Sooyoung hissed.

"W-why? Why are you doing this? I thought you're supporting me? I thought you'll love to model for my brand? I thought you are with me raising blanc? I thought---"

"Just choose and please, choose what you want. Don't choose us because we're your friends for 7 years. Choose what you want." Sooyoung tried to calm down as she say those words.

"W-why? Why do i need to choose?" . She's just making it harder for us to let her go!

"Just choose blanc so this conversation can already end!" I shouted. "Why are you asking me to choose?" She asked once again but no one answer her question. I sighed, i guess, i need to push this to limit...

"Because i hate you, because i don't want you in this group, because you're overrated, because you're outshinning everyone in the group,because you are too lazy, because we always pay fines for being late when you're late waking up..." I stated while looking at the floor.

No, maybe i hated you but it's my fault. I want you in the group because we got in this place because of our hardship. No, you never outshinned anyone because everyone has their own roles in the group, remember? I never hated you for being lazy nor for being a sleepy head, infact, that's your charm, right? That's what everyone loves about you. Sorry for being a liar, sica. Sorry...

"And i want you out because i will never forgive you for what you did to my image... I never treated you as my friend anyway." I bit my lower lips after saying those words. Damn, i know how hurted she is with my words and im sorry for that. Im sorry...

"N-no... Im not leaving the group. No!" She shouted. "Then is it us? Will you shut down your company then?" Sunny asked as she still compose herself. Sica then starts crying, "why are you making me feel like this?! What are you trying to do?!"

We just want to give you a peaceful life. No sassaengs around. No dispatch around. No eight ladies with craziness around. Peaceful.

"Just choose blanc already, ok?! I never wanted you in this group! Everything is just an act, unnie! Everything i've done, everything i told you was just a big lie! I lied to you when i said your my favorite unnie! I lied to you when i told you that it's ok when it's not because you also ruined my image! I've turn to a drunk person when im not! I will never forgive you like taeyeon unnie!" Yoona yelled. Sica was taken aback of her dongsaeng's word. Everyone was shocked at yoona's word. We never expected that.

I guess, she is just as desperate as i am. Now, haters where are you? See how our yoongi acted? She acted whole heartedly angry--and damn, she acted to the point sica feel betrayed so much.

"Am i nothing in this group?" She asked but not one answered. She laughed and then said something that made us feel the best or maybe the worst feeling, "Fine. I'll choose blanc..."

Bull. I don't really know what to feel right now. Should i feel relieved? Happy?... Sad?

"I was blind to not see you hating me. Well, i did see how you much you hate me now. I guess, that's your reason for being cold to me these weeks. Sorry for not noticing how shameless i am." She said between in her sobs.

In the middle of her sobs, the door of the practice room suddenly opened. It was her personal manager, "Jessica, CEO is looking for you." We all gulped, they already decided. Jessica then turn to us and said something that we will never forget.

"Well, i guess, this is the real end of us? The end of everything i had with you? Yes, maybe this is the real end of us because there's no such thing as 'forever girls' generation' nor 'you made my life complete'. It's just a ing song that was made to be dramatic, it's just a slogan to say everywhere we are. That was not true, 'not everything we say is true'---i remember that we're in this industry. People in kpop world lies, people in kpop world says stories more dramatic to get more ratings---the same in a group, like in girls' generation." Her words hit us so hard while she's crying so hard. Seeing her in pain because of us just hurted me so much, more than hundred of anti fans.

"D-don't worry. After i depart, even tho you backstabbed me, even after you lied to me big time?---it's ok. Atleast, at the end, you told me everything. This is better than i never knew how you really feel for me. I-i will never spread your pictures around the internet--so don't worry." She said as she sob and laugh. "D-don't worry, because i'll keep my mouth shut on what you've said. Don't worry because i will still treasure our memories even if you just acted whole time. I will treasure those time, when you didn't woke me for cleaning the flooded dormitory once, for your birthday surprise, when you did a prank on me and of course, i will never forgot, that you pranked me on my theatre play, placing cucumbers on the flower bouquet you gave me." She laughed one more time.

This is , the last time we will see her smile and laugh is a bitter kind. She's smiling bitterly and laughing bitterly.

"I-im still hoping for the group's beautiful ending. B-but hey! Once im out, i will for sure, miss the loud screams of sones, i will for sure miss how beautiful our ocean are and of course, i will miss everyone of you."

She starts walking towards the door of the practice room. I can feel how hard it is for her to walk out from the room---because i know how much she treasure this group. As she walk---not looking at us, we all starts tearing down, everyone starts crying, everyone starts sobbing. Her personal manager is seeing us, he's clueless what will happen next.

I collapsed to the floor when sica left the room. That's when everyone starts crying out loud. Tiffany being hugged by sunny while they are crying. Hyoyeon frozen on the floor. Sooyoung who's on her knees crying so much. Yuri and seohyun who's silently crying...and there's yoona, she's sitting right in a corner, silently looking at everyone, not crying. She wants to stay strong. She's forcing herself not to think to much.

I look around, seeing how hurted they are. I never thought this is how snsd will be. I always thought, snsd will end beautifully--like what sica said.

I guess, i should just cry now. I don't want everyone in the fan meeting in china later seeing me so devastated. Im the leader---i should be their strength.

Damn. I never wanted this but this is the only choice...im so sorry, Ice princess.