Calvin has been my constant date and companion,from then on. And before I knew it we already have a relationship. I never knew that if you are alone and lonely,you tend to cling on somebody and something, just to survive,just to be at least happy and yes just to show off to everybody that you are not alone and that you are doing alright on your own.

The truth is that I am homesick and missed my family a lot,and yes just too proud to go back home to my parents. I have to show them ,that I am now an adult and that I could manage on my own. I have to show to them that I could take responsibility on myself.  So I cling to Calvin like he is my lifeline. There were already early signs that he is taking me for a ride, but I refused to see it. I was too afraid that if he left me,what will become of me.

There was the constant argument,and then somehow in the end,he will let me think that it is my fault after all,and that I am just looking for a perfect guy, and that he said that he is not a perfect man. Maybe there is some grain of truth in them,but then I have learn to swallow and accept all the things,big or small ,so as to endure the relationship.

The ity that I have been keeping and reserving for the right guy ,that too I have given to him. I was so desperate to keep him in my life,that all my beliefs seems to have been compromised because of him. I gave in to whatever he wants and yet after the act, I will always feel guilty,and sorry for doing it with him,without the sanctity of marriage. All my life ,I have dreamed of giving myself to only one man,and that it should be my husband,  and I promised myself that I will never give in to any other guy.

At night,I would feel sorry and guilty for having without the sanctity of marriage,and that I promised myself that I will have to marry him,or at least pressure him to marry me. I have given everything of myself to Calvin and that I would have expect a ring on my finger.

Sometimes I would think of Jiro,Jiro who has loved me so much and yet never has touched me,and respected me, and yet I have never given him anything in return. With Jiro I have given so little and yet in my heart I have loved him so much, and with Calvin I have given so much,and yet I knew in my heart that I don't love him the way I love Jiro, In my mind,it keeps omn saying,if I have given to Jiro,what I have given to Calvin ,then maybe we will still be together, and yes possibly married now. There were times at night that I wished that it is Jiro and that Calvin is on my side.

We went on for almost a year but it is an on and off again relationship. Sometimes I don't even know where we stand. Sometimes I feel like giving up from constant battle. Calvin is selfish and think only of himself and I think he took for granted my feelings for him. And after more than I year, I feel like he owe me at least a secure place in his life but when he talks, about the future, I am not even included there.

I have been planning to talk to him,to know where do I stand in his life. But always,I would back out, cause I am scared of what will be his answer...until one night, I just knew I have to ask him....

"Calvin we have to talk." as I was driving him home. He looked at me,he knows it is coming,and yet I think he is hoping that I would drop the question. I have notice and heard stories,how he goes out after dropping me home from our date. He said that it is only his friends,but it both guys and ladies. And he would go for a game of billiard with a drink or a late night bowling. Sometimes they would go for a trip in the Atlantic City or beach.

"I have been hearing stories, and I have to know, where do I stand in your life now ?" as I asked him.

He looked at the empty space before him,unable to answer. He took a deep breath, and then the  dreaded word I have to hear... "I am not ready for commitment Hebe.I have just finished school and there is still I want to do. " he said. My tears started falling,as the words hurts me, hurts me ,more than I would imagine.He doesn't love me, he never loved me at all. He is just using me, as I told myself. I have never felt so used in my whole life. I never knew that I will experienced this in my life.

"Heck,I could not even support myself,much less a family ." as he added. "I love you but not enough..not enough to marry you ...I am not ready yet."

"I am not asking you to marrry me now. All I am asking is a commitment.." as I told him, my voice is quivering and in pain now.

"I am sorry, I can't give that to you." is his final word as he got out of the car. I left his place crying ,and I felt so lost and so alone. I went staright home where my roomate was waiting. June sat up with me all night,as I poured my heart to him....Never again will I give my everything to one man...

The next day, Calvin called me at home,as I refused to get his call. I can't understand him,after all the words that he told me,does he think that I will be staying with him ?  He called me again at work and yes refused his call again. For me he will be just a history.Never again will be taking in as a fool. I have learned and grown up in  a hard and painful way....