Time just flew by me,and before I new I was already of my first year of living alone. Days has been pretty much the same,work and work and on weekend get together with friends ,shopping and driving around the town and out of town. Somehow my aim for the day is I should do something or went to a place especially on my day off. Somehow I feel like my day is wasted if I didn't do anything worthwhile on my day off.

Some of my firiends can just stay at home and do nothing. Me I feel like i am on fire if ever I just think about it. The truth is I don't want to dwell on my self cause i know I will find an empty spot inside of me. it has been a while since Jiro,and the truth is I don't know if i still have feelings for him, or is it the company of a guy in my life is the one I am missing. I missed the feeling of being in love and being loved in return. Not that I didn't try but if the feeling is not there,it won't be there ,even no matter how hard I tried.

Somehow I keep comparing every guy that I met with Jiro and most of the time,they paled in comparison to him. Although there was one guy who I thought that I almost fell in love with. We could talk in hours in phone. He can talk anything under the sun, he knew every subject matter known to mankind.he is like a walking dictionary. And if there is one thing that I find very attractive in men ,is there brain. He just finished his Master Degree in  NYU . He used to to teach in college,and yes he is way too old for me. But then to me at that time it doesn't matter.

We started going out,and he seems to fill the void that I have been missing. He was fun, he was interesting and he seems to be very interested in me. I enjoyed his company ,everytime we went out. But the only thing, my friends doesn't like him. He is too snobbish for them. He doesn't interact with them,the way he does to me. My friends warned me about him. And it seems like he is a man that is harboring a secret,they said ,which i just laughed.

I thought all along that we have been going out that he was single,as he told me. I was almost falling for him. I used to go to his apartment and spent time with him. Though we kissed and make out, we neevr really did it. I was too careful,and I promised myself,that i will give only myself to the man that I am going to marry. He tried and he tried but I refused,and Thank God he never forced himself on me. he said he loves me,and that I am very special to him, but he never mention about marriage. He never talk about family life in the fututre.  And then after months of going out with him,I started to wonder,whether thare is some truth in what my friends has told me about him.

I started to have doubts in my mind about him. There were also times when he will be gone for days and then i will not hear anything from him. He doesn't even tell me where he went and what he has been doing. He always tells me that it has something to do with his job and what he is aiming to do in the future. Most of the time he is very vague. And come to think of it, I never met any of his friends,he talks about them,but no I have never seen them at all. He never brought me along his socials. Most of the time he goesd by himself,and that he says that it will be all men ,or only the people from the university. I started to wonder if he is embarrassed of our relationship,because I am not of his kind and because we are not of the same age bracket. But still he could at least asked me...for I know I will say no.

He will say to me that he loves me,but sometimes, when he says those words,as if he is hating the facts that he loves me. I never met any of his family except for his younger sister and even her,I don't think that she really likes me at all. She is friendly and civil,but true affection,it was never there. She looked at me as if she distrust me. I was surprised when one time she asked me out for a coffee...

"How long have you known my brother?" she asked. She is also at least  eight  years older than me,and her brother is yes twelve years older than me. She is already married with a baby in a way.

"Just a few months." as I answered her.Somehow I don't feel right seeing her today but I just don't  have the nerve to refuse her invitations.

"He must really like you." she said as an after thought,after staring at me."I can't blame him,you are young and beautiful."

I didn't say anything but sipped on my coffee.

"Do you like my brother? I mean really love my brother?" she asked me point blank. I was lost at her questioning. I couldn't say the word cause after thinking it all, the answer is I don't really know. I like him but love,to me love is such a big word,that you don't just say to anybody.

She saw the answer at my eyes,as she nodded her head. "Good,then what I am going to tell you is not gonna hurt you." she said.

"You have to stop seeing my brother. He is already married. And Heather is just gonna let him go just like that. Go away before, you'll be included in all this mess." she said. I stared at her,and my eyes watered just be staring at her.

"I know,he never told you about the wife and all. I think he really loves you and so afraid to lose you. But I am telling this for your own sake. Stop seeing my brother." as she got up and left me staring at her back. And then the tears came...and I thought I never really love him at all,but is it the pride or the trust wasted ? I reallly don't know...all I am aware is the hurt and pain that i felt that day..