Here I am and six months after of living in the biggest and the they said the most exciting city of the world, but how come it is not exciting as I thought. My whole body is tired and achy and sometimes felt like giving up but when I think of going back home as failure,my whole attitude changed. I don't want to be regarded as a failure,it will be too much to swallow. And yes I am never been a weakling,I maybe shy and all,but I know I have more strenght and courage  in me than any ordinary people out there.

Living on my own is quite an eye opening. Now I have nobody to lean on but myself. I have nobody to blamed my dispoointments and frustrations.And if there any such thing,I only have to blame myself,and sometimes defeat at oneself is very hard to swallow. I know if I put my mind into,I will be hard to conquer, I have the persistence and a strong faith in myself.. At 22 I know I can tackle everything that comes my way , even with bare hands.

The unit that i have been assigned to,was the heaviest and the busiest unit of all the units in the hospital, and now I don't wonder anymore why nobody lasted on the floor. I worked the second shift and the one in charged is this Irish white girl who thinks that we owe her something and that she is superior human being. I maybe Asian,but I am as American as i can get. My eyes maybe almond and dark brown instead of blue and green and my color may not be white, but tan and my hair maybe black and not blond,but I know deep down to myself,that i am a better person than her.

I don't take advantage of people,  and discriminate be it what their postions in the hierachy of corporate ladder and whatever their race maybe. Before I have been warned about this discrimination but i have never been discriminated like this in my life . Is it because of my race, or is it my age { I am the youngest of the bunch }  or is it something more. It quite hurts to know that people don't treat you equally for some irrelevant reasons and for something that you and I cannot change at all.

A have the heaviest and the most patient. I will labor for hours,not knowing what to do first,and yes finding myself working long hours even after  and beyond my shift. I feel sore anf tire every night as I went home to our apartment. And when I am lying in bed,i just realized that I am really far from home.

But with all the hard work,it sure entails a quite substantial monetary rewards. Now i got money of my own,and it feels good when i got hold of my first earning . I don't even know what to do with my money. I cashed it out in the bank and put it on the envelope and put it on my bedside drawer, And yes during the night, I kept opening up that drawer and looking at it ,and yes it felt good and  I felt a certain accomplishment in my life.

My lovelife is nil for now. Jiro still crossed my mind and at the lowest times of my life, I wished that he was by my side. I sometimes the if's  or maybe's in my life but then reality is staring back at me,and that he is gone and i am all alone by myself now. And yes he is a thousand miles away from me.. And yes at this point of my life ,I am not even looking for one. I just want to pass the hurdles of my career first before tackling that issue in my life...

I missed the my family the most.First time to be away from home and away from my family. I missed them terribly.I still find myself waiting for that sound int he morning,the noises and the commotions in the morning when everybody prepared for the day. I missed sharing rooms with my ssters,sharing the bathroom during the rush hours, sharing the vanity table as we put on our make up,and yes miss the breakfast ,that my Mom makes,as she nags us to eat before going out for the day...I never knew how I love my family until now...

And part of living by myself is finding the realities inside of me. I never thought to be a religious person before,but yes I go to church every Sunday because that is the expectations at home. I go to novenas because I want something from the One Above. Yes my view of religion is purely selfish on my part. I am going to Him because I want to ensure that my life will be okay and that i will be blessed above the rest.. And now there is no more expectations from me from the people that I live with,and yet never knew that I really do believe in Him, and that I trust Him with all my heart.I never knew that I have this faith in HIM and it is not something that can be shaken down..And at this time,I have a very deep understanding of myself and the One above and it is quite a happy feeling and no it is  more than a happy feeling but a serenity  and yes something undescribable and I am quite lost for words.The catechism and the Sunday class really did work for me...

Tomorrow, is my first break for a long time.We are going for a trip to Washington DC.I have not been there. I am so excited already. So many places to go,so many things to do and discover, my life is just unfolding,and i can't wait what will be next...

                                                                                                                                                                  Hebe