I never knew that falling in love can be such a roller coaster ride. My first few days of getting to know Jiro was full of excitement and yes such a happy feeling. I never felt this way before,never felt this big to a guy. My feeling that i have for yesung when I was young,for Donghae which I cried,was nothing compared to this. It was like walking in cloud nine all the time.

I would feel really high and happy whenever he is around,or when I am talking to him on the phone and even the memories of his face can  make me smile all day. And yet when he is not around,I feel like dying.A few minutes and hour without him,and I feel like dying already.Never thought that I will be this crazy for him. He is all I breath and live.To me he is the realization of my fairy tale dream came true.

For one,Jiro really loves me.He is crazy about me ,as I am with him. He calls me several times a day just to check up on me. I was the first one that he talks to in the morning when he wakes up and the last one before he goes to bed. We can talk for hours non stop and even that was never enough. I just want him and nobody else. For me nothing matters but him. Until my friends and family poured an ice cold water to a very hot and burning feeling that I have for him,thinking,I will be keeping him for life.But then there is no such thing in life.

Jiro was the first man I ever loved and yes my first boyfriend. But Jiro has been in a lot of relationship before.Girls that he has really fallen but did not worked out according to him.It di hurt me when he admitted that he has loved all those women before and that I cannot do anything about it. I just have to accept it that there are other women that he has loved before me. But he has assured me that I was the one that is important in his life now,and that I just have to believe him,trust him. I want to trust him and believe in him,but how come,there is this nagging voice inside of me that he loves me then because i am the one that is there in front of him...I can't understand my own psyche too in this.Does my heart and guts knows more that I can see??

Yes I was young and naive and i know that if I am not careful,I could have given my all to Jiro. He already took my heart,and I don't think I can reclaim that back. But i know I can save my self to the man that truly deserves me. I was never been kissed and laid a hand by any man,and yes a total in every sense of the word,except for Yesung's innocent hugs when were young and Kyuhyun's touches when we dance as a partner,I am as clean as a whistle,that's what they said. And i think that was Jiro saw in me a very rare treasure.

I was brought up in a very conservative house.We value our honor and yes value our body more than anything else. We were told that we should never sleep with a man before marriage,no intimacies before the wedding,and that was instilled on my mind at an realy age.And we should try to avoid any situation that can possibly lead to temptations of any sort.

But yes Jiro is a temptation to me. The love that i have for him has some sort of awaken something in me. I dreamed of him kissing me at night and yes want to feel his arms around me. it made me restless sometimes,thinking of him this way. I have seen my classmates ,my friends,with their boyfroends and although it is nothing for me,but it is something different when it is myself now. The values that my parents especiall my Mom has instilled kept on haunting me.It is like an inner voice within me.

In as much as jiro was my boyfriend,but yet we never have a time together ,just the two of us.I will be always sorrounded with friends and family when ever he is around. We can say our words of affection to each other and yet there will be eyes at the end of the corner watching us. I can see the disappointment and the frustration in his eyes whenever he comes around to visit me. I just laughed at it. Cause they said that if the guy truly loves you and yes he will be willing to wait for you,and i believed that.I was really a naive girl..ha..ha

Not having a time of our own,I didn't know that it will eventually frustrate Jiro.he has shown some restlessness in him. I am started to get afraid. He wants me to go behind my parents back and meet him somewhere where we can be alone together.I was so confused. I want to say yes but the inner voice in me kept saying no. I know if I ever say yes, I will be giving my all to him,and i don't think I was ever ready for that... I am only twenty...and  it is not my plan to get married at twenty and have kids after that.

Jiro dream of simple things. A family of his own. He is already twenty five and he thinks that he is ready for commitment and wife and family. he told me of his dreams ,of us being married and having lots of kids. It was a beautiful dream but somehow i knew that the woman that he is talking about as his wife is not me. I will never be a stay at home wife.I want to a career woman with a family .I want to be more than a wife and a mother, I want more out of my life. I can never be the woman behind tha shadows of her husband, I don't think that I am that strong.  I want a woman out of my own self,not dependent on somebody else no matter how much I love that man...

Days came,an I  was confident that Jiro loves me and that he will abide by my wishes. If he loves me,he will wait for me until i am ready to be his wife. But yet,I can feel the frustration,the disappointments.I can see and feel the withdrawal from him. This time it is not me challenging him if he loves me but him if I love him, then I will follow his wishes. I can see and feel the differences in us surfacing but still i am confident in our love for each other. Jiro loves me,I keep on telling myself over and over again,and yet I am crying...at night....and started to feel afraid so afraid. I am losing my grip on him...I know that I have found true love in him,and yet loving is more than a feeling. It is more than the palpitations that you feel whenever you see him,more than the excitement nd the happiness that you felt at the sight of him. it is more than the rush of hormones and adrenalines...in your system. Love is more complicated than I thought....And yet I feel like dying just the thought of  not having him in my life...