Holiday time was spent with my family. My Mom always tried to make it special all the time.And the thing that she is very particular about,is that we have to be together in this most special holiday of the year, We are not allowed to go out with friends.They can come over the house but you are not suppose to leave the house at all. Somehow i never understood the reasons at all.

Jiro still crossed my mind ,especially on Christmas Eve and cried for him. I missed him a lot at that time and wished that he is still around to love me and cheer me up. I prayed so hard that night,that if it meant to be then let be it but if it is not,then help me to forget him ,but i still wished to be him more than anybody else at this season..What a blind affection ,I thought.,but i can't help it...

Holidays came and gone,and I feel like I am in state of limbo now. I want to wash away my past sorrows and pains and yes start anew. I am quite hopeful this year that ,everything will changed for the bettter. I have to look forward from now on and not dwell on the past. Past is something painful ,but i knew that I have grown tremendously because of that. I am not the girl that can laugh and be happy about little things now. I lost that all together and that what makes me sad most of all.

I passed the Board and then what next is employment. My Mom has been nagging me for quite sometime now,that I have to start growing up and take responsibilities. I tried looking for a job but somehow it is something that is never easy especially at this time.Here i am with a degree in my hand and yet nobody seems want to hire me for I am inexperienced.But how can i get experience when they never give me a chance at all?

I ended up doing volunteer job in the hospital.Something that I can do while waiting for that golden opportunity. I did a lot and yes felt good that I am doing something worthwhile,after being cooped up in the house for the long time. I cheered children in the hospital,reading them a book, playing with them, even handing out water to the children in their families,. and despite that I am not rewarded financially,it felt really good inside.

I still go out with my friends and yes felt comfort with them around. But there are moments of loneliness which i can neevr shake off.Surely there must be a way out of this limbo. I started hating myself for feeling this way. I felt so stupid and crazy and a thousands of descriptions that are not so good. I really do hate myself now for feeling this way...

I was on my lowest ebb,no job, got dumped ,and yes my family is not that supportive either.My parents has been nagging me to get a job or to do something worthwhile,workintg as a volunteer in the hospital doesn't cut it. I got the degree and the license to practice,and my Mom said I  should be able to find something with it.

And then my friend told me about the job out of our city. They have been hiring new graduates ,without experince in the new city and it will be a good opportunity for us. She showed me the pictures of the hospital and the big city and it looks so alive and exciting,far cry from what we have now. And the idea of a new start seems so appealing especially if you are at the other end already,as I said yes to her .Yes we are going to apply to New York and leave this  place for now. And maybe this time  I can finally forget Jiro and leave his memories in this old place.....and yes be finally free from his shadows...