Ma Belle Fille

written by SerendipityMali
reviewed by -Tigress-

Title: 7/10
I like the title, it fits the story, my only criticism of it is that since it is in a different language, people may be confused by it. On the other hand, the curiosity may make them click on it to find out more about the story, but I think that's about 50/50 chance. I do understand that since the story is set in Paris, it makes perfect sense, but still, my criticism stands.

Plot: 29/35

                4/5: Originality
                Your story is a really neat and unique plot idea, I really enjoyed that. I could tell that you took some ideas from The Hunger Games, but since no idea is truly original and has to begin somewhere, that didn't bother me until I got the the part of the announcer with orange hair. That's way too similar to Effie. I understand that you want the announcer to be odd, memorable, etc, but make sure that you still make the story your own. Completely removing that orange hair fact would make the story, while still obviously influenced by Hunger Games, much more your own. The whole idea with the feminisim thing is incredibly unique, I love how you played that out. It is making for a realy intriguing story.

                10/10: Believability
                There are actually several issues with your believability, but since your story is incompleted I cannot truly markit down for that. I will talk about them, though, so that you can fix them.
                Okay the biggest issue I had with believability is that Prince Oh Sehun is supposed to be from... France? Is that correct? Because it is what it sounded like, and that is entirely strange. If he is visiting Paris to buy them then I can understand, but if he is meant to make his home and kingdom in France, then no. Also, you said 'his brothers'... are the two Park's meant to be Sehun's brothers? If so, then why do they have a different last name? Since these are questions that you can easily fix and direct where they were meant to be, I did not take any off of the score for that. But please do fix those things, they leave the reader confused and it would be totally unrealistic.
                Two other things that bothered me... Where are the girls replenished from? I cannot imagine that men would give up their children to that, so is there a breeding farm or something? That was one fact that really raised red flags in my mind. To have a well-setup universe is so important to a story like this. My other issue is the question of love. Your foreword makes it seem that Hana truly believes in love and will find it with Sehun while going toe to toe with Ana. But if the quotes from the foreword are truly from Sehun, then falling in love with such an abusive jerk would be highly improbable. Making her fall, instead, for someone else will make the story feel more 'real life'.

                10/10: Narration
                I really enjoyed reading your writing style, your narration is really nicely done and I loved it. It's hard to believe that this is only your third story.

                5/10: Setting
                I am really enjoying the way you describe things, but I have to say that there are several inconsistencies with your story. You first said that she was number three in line, then changed it