Title: 10/10
I really like this title.  It’s memorable and intriguing.  My favorite part about it is that it’s Kai that says it in the story.  I figured Sehun would see Kai’s actions as teasing (and more advanced than when they were kids – I understood the ual implication right away), but the fact that Kai agrees and acknowledges it is one of the major things that made me fall in love with him.

Plot: 29/35

                5/5: Originality
                I definitely felt that you took the college life theme and made it your own.  I love that you pulled from your own college experience.  It definitely felt real and original.

                8/10: Believability
                The characters and the relationships are definitely believable and I thought you did a great job with that.  However, the unclear setting made me question some of the things that happened (I explain this further later).

A couple smaller things.  There’s no way there wasn’t another place to get coffee on campus.  College students live off caffeine.  But maybe the place Kai works has the best coffee and Sehun’s friends were confused when he started going out of his way to get coffee at another place.

Also, during the argument they have in Chapter 42, Kai makes a lot of accusations.  But I need more proof.  Either Kai giving examples to back up his claims or Sehun thinking of specific moments when he did just as Kai accuses.  As it is now, it’s not quite believable.

                7/10: Narration
                There’s very little outside tension in this story.  There’s a little bit with Luhan and then the dance stuff and Kai’s dad dying, but that all happened relatively quickly and then was gone.  Most of the story was about the conflicts between Sehun and Kai.  There had to be more happening in their lives at the time and it would have been interesting to see how real life (not just college life) affects their relationship.  You tell this story from Sehun’s point of view only.  And in all the scenes that Kai isn’t in, Sehun is talking to someone about Kai.  I think there was one chapter when Sehun works to convince Baekhyun that Chanyeol is his ‘boyfriend’ rather than just friends with benefits, but that and the whole Luna/Yixing thing is the only time Sehun seems involved in their lives.  The rest of the story, it’s about them helping him with his Kai troubles.  This was a really, really long story for the only conflict to be between Sehun and Kai.

There’s something else I want to mention.  This isn’t really as important for fanfiction, but if you’re looking to improving your writing beyond fanfic standards, this is something to keep in mind.  You’ve written the characters and the scenes in this story beautifully, but when you put it all together, there’s no build to the story.  No rising action.  There’s lots of tension and cute moments in your scenes, which is good, but it almost feels randomly placed.  There was no moment of ultimate conflict, no height to the action.  They have that one last argument in Chapter 42, which I thought was not only good tension, but there was growth there as well.  But it was tame compared to some of the other conflicts they’ve had.  And then it took 3 chapters (and two Intermezzos) for the story to end.  There were only two moments where I was afraid that their relationship was going to be over: when Kai refuses to talk about his scar causing Luhan to find Sehun crying in the hallway, and then when Kai disappears.  These scenes are the “height” of action because it has readers on the edge of their seats wondering what is going to happen.  Once the characters have overcome that conflict, the story can be wrapped up in a chapter or two.  Because this story continued, I expected a moment of even greater tension later on, but it never came.  I did really like how you wrapped up the story in the last two chapters though.  The brief references to everything they’ve been through already and the glimpse of how their relationship will play out in the future.  That was a great way to end the story.  I just wish that they have been forced to overcome a greater conflict right before that.

                9/10: Setting
                Mostly, I didn’t have a problem with setting.  But on a larger scale, I was often confused about where they were.  It seemed more like college in the US or Europe than in Korea.  But then they went to the hospital when Sehun hurt his hand and that’s what you’d do in Korea, not the US.  Then at the end they’re talking about visiting each other during summer break, but where do their families live?  In Korea, it makes sense that they could meet up by train (or by