Gorgeous Love
written by CrystAlplus
reviewed by SouthWest

*First of all, I have to give you major props for writing this much.  The hardest part of being a writer is actually writing.  You've not only managed to write this really long story, but you've also managed to make it cohesive with a decent ending.  Well done!  (We'll talk about that ending again later.)

Title: 8/10
This title is pretty simple.  There's nothing bad about it, but it doesn't pop like a title could.  Plus, I expected it to be mentioned in the actually story.  I wanted someone to refer to Sophia and G.O's relationship as a 'gorgeous love,' but if you did, I don't remember it.  At the end, I went back and looked at the title and was like, yeah, okay, it was a gorgeous love, I guess the title works.  I also thought that G.O would reference to it in the end.  Something along the lines of, their gorgeous love is worth fighting for/worth waiting on.  Mentioning it in the story gives it more meaning and thus sticks better in the reader's memory.

Plot: 25/35

                5/5: Originality

                The whole 'foreigner debuting and falling in love with a fellow artist' isn't new.  But you've definitely taken the cliche and expanded on it.  Your main character, Sophia, is very original.  Cliched aspects, but overall, you've woven a character and made her your own.  That makes the story more unique. 

                4/10: Believability

                This is where most of my problems were.  My main problem with believability is that from the beginning, I didn’t believe Sophia’s story.  The character you describe in the foreword is too perfect, too Mary Sue, no way that would actually happen in real life. For example, as early as the third paragraph, she exits the recording booth and asks the producer for pointers but then they both laugh because she definitely doesn’t need help.  That right away put me on edge and made me question the believability of the entire story.  No one is above needing help.  There is always room for improvement.  And then you go on to say, “Her voice and attitude was the only thing that was going to win Korea’s respect for her.”  This definitely needs to be explained further.  I don’t believe it unless you show me how this is true.  Especially since the attitude that she’s shown so far (her play at fake humility) would get her more anti-fans in real life, there’s no way that would really fly in Korea, especially for a foreigner.  I know now that you’re referring to her self-confidence and her strength, but at that point she comes off more as arrogant and cocky. 

Furthermore, I have pages and pages of problems with how Sophia got into the industry and how she’s treated in Korea.  This is your story and you call the shots and it doesn’t have to resemble real life.  However, you have to make it believable within the context of your story and you have to make me as the reader believe it.  JYPE begged her to debut?  No way.  Talked her into training at their company because they had plans to take the industry by surprise with a non-Asian member in their new girl group and planned to use Sophia to do that (because of her amazing vocals)?  More believable.  You almost play it off as if everything fell into her lap and all she has to do is sit back and enjoy it.  I would have figured she’d have to work twice as hard because she’s a foreigner.  I would have thought JYPE would have kept a closer watch on her, because she’s a foreigner.  Whether you meant to or not, you’ve totally put a negative spin on the way Korean’s treat foreigners.  I can see them judging a Korean Idol that harshly, but for those that don’t know she’s an idol, Koreans are actually a lot friendlier than you’ve depicted them to be.

Because I questioned the character and her story at the beginning, I questioned almost everything else that happened in the story thereafter (thus the pages and pages of notes I have about this story).  Even the situations that were actually okay seemed questionable to me because you never had my trust to begin with.  I really enjoyed the story and your writing.  I loved the characters and Sophia and G.O’s story, but the fact that I questioned the believability of it is what made it difficult to continue reading.

                8/10: Narration
                Overall, I loved your narration and how you told the story.  But one thing that really bothered me was that you make a lot of statements without explaining or proving it.  That makes for very distracting reading because I'm trying to figure it out.  It also leads to the lack of believability.  Don't just say that she has a great voice or that their voices perfectly fit a song (Chapter 2).  Find a way to show us.  Who's listening?  What are their reactions?  You mention that a lot of people stare at her (Ch