GUILT AND TEARS

 

'So, this is you?' Kai stepped out of his Ford to look at Alex's small apartment. From that spot, it looked kind of big for one person to live in. 

 

Alex looked at it too, feeling proud of Flix's present two years ago. 'Yep.' She remembered it was the Christmas season when she got it from her manager. Alex's parents just died and Flix discovered her in a mall near the market; she was one of the hundred girls who were trying to get in in a free make-over session because there was this salon that's just opened and advertising. Flix asked her why she wanted to get in so bad. And all Alex could think of was how much she loved having her hair curled and dreaming of appearing on TV. Alex wasn't able to finish school. She didn't have anyone with her asides from her family and Chesca and Xiumin. But there was one more reason why she wanted to be fabulous and beautiful. Only Flix knows that.

 

Kai heard Alex exhaled heavily. 'You okay?'

 

Alex stopped the flashbacks. 'Yes.' She nods. Kai was there beside her; a choreographer at the age of 20. He must be a hardworking guy. 'Thanks for the ride, Kai.' 

 

'Nah, no problem.' Kai smiled. Alex enjoyed the simple talks they had in the car, even if they were mostly about how Kai met Kris and what's it like being his friend. Wu fan is lucky to have a friend who seems to have so much positive energy. And a friend who always smiles, that is.

 

'Would you like to come in?' Alex offered. But Kai shook his head. 

 

'No, thanks. I have a schedule at 1.' He said proudly. Alex felt his excitement to leave and do whatever he has scheduled for the day. 

 

'A dance workshop?' She tried to guess. 

 

'You got it.' Kai pointed a finger at her, like she won the bingo or a guessing game. 'I hope you can come and watch but I know you're tired.' Alex told him about how hectic yesterday was and that if only she knew martial arts she could've given Kris a sample last night. Besides, she only has today for rest. Tomorrow she has yet another guesting. This time on a music channel.

 

'Maybe next time.' She said and she meant it. It would be awesome to see Kai teach some moves and groove.

 

'I'll take that as a promise.' Kai warned. For a second, Alex saw Xiumin in him again. She misses him.

 

On the way to her doorstep, when Alex thought that Kai's hands were already back on the steering wheel, she heard him spoke. 'Uhm, Alex?' Alex turned.

 

Kai was still standing on her front yard, playing with the car keys in one hand. He continued now that he's got Alex's attention back at him. 'I know this is tough for you. Kris mentioned about you being engaged. Uhm...' He hesitated but resumed nonetheless, 'Just don't take him so seriously. Kris can be too controlling sometimes. But once you get to know him, you'll see that he's, you know, more than 'just famous'.'

 

Alex tried to absorb that. Kai didn't have to say it, really. It's not like she can't handle herself. But she's grateful for his concern. 'Are you sure you're only twenty?'

 

They both laughed. Truly, Kai has that maturity in him. It was time for goodbye. 'Thanks again, Kai.' Alex waved. She waited until Kai's car was out of sight. So he do know Kris and I are just pretending. He's really nice, she thought. 

 

 

Alex went straight to the kitchen to get some water. When she came to settle down her things on the living room, she found her bestfriend lying on the sofa with her anatomy book on the floor. Chesca might have fallen asleep while reading. Alex was used to getting home and finding Chesca there. Her friend has a duplicate key. Chesca's school was nearer to Alex's apartment than their residence. Sometimes she'd let Alex help her with reviewing for exams. Alex would simply hold the book, ask her the questionnaire and they'd look at the answer sheet if Chesca got it correctly. It was the month of November and Chesca might have been studying for the midterm exams. Her classes end either too early or too late. Chesca always tells Alex that being a medicine student is no joke. And Alex never argued with her about that, because she never had career exams to prepare for or a medical license to get. She only have her collections of shoes, glam dresses, shawls, and bags. 

 

'Thinking of something?' Alex was caught in surprise. She had not noticed Chesca awaken. 

 

'Hey, I was just about to wake you up. Your book fell.' Alex bent down to get Chesca's book on the floor and put it on the center table. She threw herself down on a separate couch and felt like she hasn't sat down for weeks. Her feet still hurts and her head was starting to feel dizzy either from too much sleep or too much thinking. 

 

She didn't mind Chesca. She didn't see her looking at her from her seat. Until Chesca spoke. 'You have something to tell me?' It sounded more like a statement than a question. 

 

Alex looked at her friend. If Clint saw something on TV, Chesca might have as well. 'What did you see?'

 

'Kris had an interview this morning. What's more incredible was...they showed a short clip of you and him walking in Fismo last night and having dinner.' Chesca narrated for her clueless friend. Alex was ready to object but Chesca raised a hand to stop her, 'And! Kris admitted he's exclusively taking you out on a date! He was so believable, you can almost hear the audience's reaction over the broadcast. So, what do you have to say about that? I had no idea my bestfriend is now dating another guy!'

 

Chesca reacts like that whenever she wants Alex to feel more guilty about something. And Alex hates her for it. She remained silent for God knows how long. In fact, Alex wanted to stay that way. She doesn't want to talk about Kris and explain herself. She feels burdened and having to talk about it just adds more weight to her head. It's like trying to balance all the books in the library on top of your head. Alex might even faint anytime. 

 

She started with a heavy sigh. 'It's not easy. It's just pretend.' And suddenly she remembered Kai's term for it: tough. It really is. Alex knows Chesca has the tendency to interrupt while she speaks and she waited for that to come but much to her surprise, Chesca was one hundred percent anticipating. But Alex didn't know how to continue from that. She felt her lips moved into a frown.

 

'Does Clint know?' Chesca asked. Alex shook her head. She would have to worry about that too. Clint said he'd call today. 'Why did you agree to it?' 

 

Alex knew that question was coming. And she rumbled over so many reasons in her head. Chesca already knows some of them. She knows Alex has always been a Kris Wu Fan's fan. She knows Alex once had imagined being Kris's girlfriend. Alex knows it's all wrong. Irrational, even. The ring Clint gave her wasn't even in her finger because she was with Kris last night. Alex loves her boyfriend. She didn't say yes to Kris's proposal to flirt with him and break her engagement. She looked up at Chesca. 'When you showed me that article on the newspaper...' 

 

Chesca waited. 

 

'I just wouldn't believe it. I told myself that...' There were tears building in Alex's eyes now. She directed her eyes to the floor. 'Maybe I'd do anything to prove that my idol's not gay.' And the tears fell. Alex hated herself for being so silly and unreasonable. She buried her face in her hands. After a while, Chesca positioned beside her and gave Alex a hug. 

 

'Issues of being a fan. I hate it.' Chesca rolled her eyes. 'Just know that you are getting married and it's not with Kris.' Alex nodded with her palms still covering her face. 'Aahh, stop crying you supermodel!' She slapped on Alex's shoulder. 

 

 

 

Alex will tell Clint when he calls. And Alex...

 

...will never let this matter make her cry again. Ever.