DAY 30: CONFESSION

Clint texted around 9:10 PM: 'Coming home?' 

Alex just had her third cup of coffee; helping Kris with his fan mails. Coming home sounded nice. Coming home meant sleeping with her boyfriend and talking about the wedding. Or maybe not. Maybe coming home meant seeing Clint and just being themselves. Alex made up her mind and replied, 'Yes, I'll be in a bit.'

When she put down the phone, Kris was looking at her. 'Everything alright?'

How come he can read pass through me? Putting the thought aside, she forced a smile to try to look okay. In a more unbothered tone she asked, 'How many letters have we read so far?'

'Hmm, about sixty.'

'Only sixty?' There's still too many unread letters to go. Kris must have stuck the fan mails in that room for years. 

'That's why we'll do this again next time.' Alex liked the way he said it. It's as if they had plenty of 'next time'. Although she cannot picture it yet. She smiled even wider when Kris said, 'I'll increase the disturbing fee, don't worry.'

She stood up to get her bag from the desk and Kris asked, 'You're going?'

'Yah, uhm...I want to give you something before I leave.' Alex picked it up from her dining that morning before going to the mall with Chesca. She can't remember thinking of giving it to Kris but somehow she wanted to; if it's the only invitation left. Feeling the card against her fingertips, she took it out and handed the piece of paper to Kris.

'What's this?' 

'Read it.' Alex commanded.

She watched the way Kris's eyes moved from one word to the next. His reaction was a milder but steadier version of hers. 'Whoa.'

'Last time you told me you'd probably go to the wedding if I invited you. So now I am. Will you come? I want you to be there.' Somehow Alex felt selfish. 

At first, Alex thought Kris would say no. But then he said, 'Sure, count me in.' His smile looked unhappy. 

'Promise?' 

Kris stared at her for a second. For a moment Alex wondered what he saw in her eyes. Until he spoke again, 'At what point did we start trusting each other for promises?'

The answer came in an instant. 'When you told me you're honest with me.'

Eye to eye, Kris replied, 'Okay, I promise.'

After hitting the breaks, Alex slowly unbuckled herself. She've reached the apartment in less than an hour. The lights inside were proof that Clint's still awake. Alex got out from the car and on the way to the door rumbled on what words to say once she's inside. 

Clint's in the bedroom reading a book. He was the first one to speak. 'How was your day with Chesca?' Alex hasn't mentioned going to G's Entertainment. Did Chesca tell him about Kris's call?

'It was fun. We went shopping. How was yours?' 

'Loud. Xiumin was there.' Xiumin has become Clint's friend as well. Since he and Alex got together. Alex missed her baozi friend. The last time she visited Xiumin she only got to sit and watch him make drinks. They ought to see each other soon.

Removing her coat and pulling her hair down, Alex settled herself beside Clint on the bed. They used to end nights arguing about their bets in Master Chef and talking about towns and animals. They're weird in their own way.

Alex laid her back to the mattress. It felt good to lie down. Her eyes ache because of helping Kris read his letters and her feet hurts from driving and walking. She closed her eyes and sighed heavily. Within seconds, Clint was holding her hand. 'Let's not fight, okay?'

With her eyes still closed, Alex nodded. 

Alex's real story started four years ago. That year when she got home alone and knew that her parents are gone forever. She thought she would never make it without them. Sometimes she still thinks that. Her Mom once told her that life is an endless cycle of loses and gains. When she was a kid, everyone used to tell her how much she resembles her Dad. That their eyes are like gems shining without even getting wet.

Flix came before Clint did. Flix was already a single Mom then. Alex stopped schooling. If the accident didn't happen, she could've pursued nursing and probably be working in the hospital by now. She needed quite a lot of things: money, friends, advices, and time. It's funny how she managed to become a fan girl in between. Kris just debuted. Chesca's family was there to treat Alex like their own. Until Flix asked her to model. Until Chesca became busy with college. Until she met Clint. 

To Alex, Clint is a combination of friend and partner. He held Alex's hand in times when she felt alone and lonely. He was everything that Alex needed. One thing that scares Alex is realizing that in their two-year relationship, she's the one who gave less but took more. Love can be unfair.

They were back to normal the next day. Normal means temporarily forgetting about the rush wedding and doing the usual things they do together. They watched movies and talked about random stuff. They argued about the lead characters from Nonstop; a romantic comedy series. Clint managed to insert airplanes and bridges in the middle of their conversation. Some people might never understand their version of cat fights and sweet talks but they do. They do.

At the mall, even when Clint's already tired bringing Alex's shopping bags, he accompanied her well. Back and forth he stayed with her. Sometimes if they feel like it, they'd fit couple items. But they never buy them because they never wear them. They've never been the pair who wears the same shirts or bags or shoes. Cute is barely a description of their love story.

Alex missed it. For the last two months she woke up and ate her meals alone. She switched the TV on and off with rarely someone sitting beside her. Now she got it all back. She'd wake up either to the smell of Clint's early cooking or to the sound of his snoring. She dreamed happy dreams. Alex stopped checking on her phone. She would even leave it lying on her pillow without caring if it stays there for hours. Except on December 31st, when she's finally back to work.

Flix had her schedule ready. At eight o' clock, Alex needs to meet up with a photographer. She ate breakfast with Clint before going. 'See you later!' She kissed him and left. 

Alex's first appointment was a  photoshoot for a magazine that's advertising beauty products. She loves it when her make-up artist Jung Hwa experiments with her face. There's even one shot that required her lips to vertically be shaded in three colors: violet, yellow and orange. Weird at first but glamorous when posed. Jung Hwa is also an expert in putting eyeliners. She always says that eyeliner can spark up the eyes. With different colors and applying techniques, Alex's eyes appeared emotionally stricken, fearless, and goddess.

After the photoshoot, Alex ate snack with her manager. 

'Before I forget, Kris called and wanted me to tell you that he'd meet you at Namsan Tower 6pm.'

'Namsan Tower?' The last time Alex went there was when she was seven years old. It's famous in Seoul.

Flix nodded. Why didn't Kris call her in her number? Putting her chopsticks down, Alex looked over her phone to check if Kris sent her any messages. There was none, not even missed calls. Strange. 

'But Clint and I will be having dinner outside,' Alex said, suggesting Flix help her decide. The latter only shrugged. She can meet Kris and delay her dinner with her boyfriend. She can, can't she?

At 5:13 Kris called to say 'Don't be late!' Without even waiting for Alex to reply he hang up. What a nice guy.

Alex texted Clint before driving to Namsan. 'Wu Yi Fan wants to meet. It'll only take a while. Don't eat without me!' It was her way of assuring him that she hasn't forgotten about dinner.

She arrived ten minutes early. When she asked Kris where to meet him, he replied 'At the cable cars.'

Riding the cable car is included on Alex's bucket list. She remembered crossing out bungee jumping when she did it with Kris at Maysan tower last month. She might even go home and cross-out another number tonight. Why on earth is this happening? It's like Kris knows about her list!

Alex was standing beside the ticket booth when Kris spoke behind her. 'How did the photoshoot go?'

Of course he knew about my schedule. He's even friends with my manager. 

'Hi,' she greeted, ignoring his previous question. 'Wow, you look...casual.' Kris was wearing a gray bonnet and a white round-neck shirt with a skull design. He looked like someone who's just moved in from the neighborhood. Or someone who's in his summer break from school. The thoughts made Alex smile.

'Is that a compliment?' Kris was hiding something at his back.

Alex nods. 'Yah, you look handsome in that bonnet.'

Kris played innocent. 'Sorry I didn't hear. What did you say again?'

'Whatever, Kris. Are we riding that?' Alex motioned to the cable cars. 

'Don't you want to?'

Is he kidding me? 'I do.'

'Then let's go.' Kris approached her and hang his left hand freely to the side to take Alex's right. Alex saw the bouquet he's holding behind him. He didn't hide it enough. 'Oh! By the way, I hope I'm correct. Happy thirty days?' He showed his right hand and revealed the flowers. 

He's really been counting, huh? He was right about today being their 30th day. Although technically they've known each other for two months now. Alex nods, ignoring the roses. 'No need to give me flowers.'

'But I want to! So just take them.' Kris shoved her the flowers once more and didn't flinch until Alex take it from his hands. He always has his ways.

The roses are yellow-orange. Alex has never gotten roses with such color. It was beyond beautiful. While Kris was paying at the booth, Alex asked, 'Why 6pm?'

'I want to see the sunset with you. And I want you to watch as houses in Seoul turn to stars.'

'What does that mean?' 

Smiling, Kris replied, 'You'll see.'

They entered the cable car and it seems big with only the two of them inside. The ride will go on for fifteen minutes. The landscape below was mesmerizing. It almost felt like being on a plane, only lower. In a matter of seconds, the sunset took place. And Alex can only stay silent.

'You're not talking,' Kris said.

It's because Alex was captivated. 'The color of the sunset is the same as the flowers. Very beautiful,' she said. Kris compared them too. The roses were basically yellow but have tints of orange along the edges. 

'You like it?' 

'Very much,' Alex admitted. Absorbing the absurdity of it all, she muttered, 'You know what? I can't remember ever showing you my bucket list.'

Kris looked lost. 'You didn't.'

'That's the point. Yet you're here doing this with me.' He still didn't get it. Alex explained further, 'Bungee jumping and riding the cable car are both included in my list.'

Finally he understood. 'Really? How coincidental. I'm happy to have experienced it with you.'

Somewhere deep down, Alex felt butterflies. She's not aware of it until that very moment. She knew her heart was fluttering. She can hear it with her every breath.

'I want to ask you something,' Kris said when she remained quiet. 

'Sure.' There's really something going wrong inside her.

'Remember that night at the beach? When we saw the falling star? What did you wish for?' 

Alex tried to go back to that time. That time when Kris was still the bossy and cold-city guy. She remembered her wish completely. 'An official date for my wedding.'

'It's finally came true,' Kris commented. 

'What was yours?'

Kris shook his head. 'I can't tell you.'

Alex was fast to object, 'Why not? I told you mine!'

She watched as he hesitates. Alex thought that it was something related to his Dad's condition. But he reasoned, 'Mine hasn't come true yet.' What could it possibly be?

'I'll ask another question since you didn't answer the first one.' It's like they're playing an honesty game.

'Okay.'

'What's the real reason why you asked me to pretend as your girlfriend?' There can't be a better timing. 

Kris answered right away, hiding nothing. 'I wanted to move forward. It was taking me too long.'

Never in two months did Alex think of Kris as someone who'd actually give a damn about getting his heart broken or getting it healed overtime. He has always looked cool and calm. She didn't realize how much hurt Lexy has caused him. 

'Lexy and I...we were compatible. We were there for each other every time. I came real close to proposing, to be honest. And then bam! The end.' Somehow Kris always finds a way to make his story less serious. He always finds a way out.

'And what made you think it'll work?' Alex asked regarding the fake girlfriend-boyfriend thing.

'Who told you it didn't?' 

'It did?' 

Kris held her in both arms. 'Alex, if it didn't work, I would've gone to Europe with Lexy rather than stay here with you.' 

Alex didn't like the feel of that. She'd rather he didn't say it. 'You're making it sound like you chose me over her.' Slowly, she moved away from Kris's touch.

Bringing his good mood back, Kris pointed at the landscape and exclaimed, 'There's the stars!' He always finds a way out. 

Now Alex knew what he meant by saying that they'll watch the houses in Seoul turn to stars. The skies have darken and every houses beneath them have lights that made the whole ground look like a constellation. 

'Last night I was wondering if I'll ever get a chance to ride a plane and travel with you. If that happens, you'll see this from the air, much higher than the clouds. For now, this is all you get.' After saying this, Kris smiled at her.

For a fraction, Alex wants to be with him. To really be with him. To not think of the fact that she's got a boyfriend waiting for her at home. To not think of anything else. For just a fraction. 

The two of them stayed mute until it was time to part. Kris was looking at Alex's hand. He seemed to be deciding whether to voice out what he's thinking or not. After looking at his watch, he said, 'You're wearing it.'

Alex did not understand at first but then Kris's eyes were on her left hand again. The ring. She hasn't removed it since Clint came back from Canada. She honestly didn't know what to respond.

Kris changed the subject. 'Have you ever googled yourself?'

Why was he asking this all of a sudden? It's not like he's interested with social networks. Last time Alex checked, his Weibo and Instagram accounts were not updated. Since the question is about her, Alex shook her head. The last time she ever went online was to see the outcome of Kris's Liar MV.

'Do it some time.' It was more of an order than a suggestion. Seems like Kris's bossy self is back on track. 'Have a happy new year, Alex.' He didn't wait for Alex to reply. He knew Alex needs to be with her fiancé so he wasted no more of her time and turned the other way to leave. No thank yous or goodbyes. 

And Alex was left there standing and gripping onto the bundle of orange roses; clueless why Kris was becoming the unpredictable guy again. 

Clint contacted her a few minutes before she reached the parking lot at Namsan. He sent an address telling Alex that he'll wait for her there. Standing in the parking area, Alex wondered where Kris's BMW was. Did he leave for real? Maybe he's still there somewhere? Alex drove away without glancing back.

She reached the address which turned out to be a modern type of restaurant. Upon entering the doors, a waiter approached her and asked, 'Miss Dawson?' Alex nodded and the waiter led the way towards a table for two. Clint was there standing on his feet. 

'What's this, Chef?' If there weren't other customers Alex would think they were having a candle-lit dinner. Again, her boyfriend's never been that kind of man.

Thank God Clint wasn't wearing formal. The atmosphere almost felt like a priest will appear out of nowhere and ask them to make their vows. But Clint looked handsome. He smells of good fragrance too. 'We haven't eaten outside for so long. Time to check-out other chef's dishes,' he gladly said.

He waited for Alex to sit down before taking his seat. Alex asked, 'Have you ordered?' Knowing Clint, he must have already. Her boyfriend proved her to be right.

The foods arrived in about ten minutes. Clint ordered quite a lot, excluding the side dishes. His first attempt on conversation was about Kris. 'What did Kris want?'

'He wanted someone to watch the sunset with,' Alex answered, not considering it to be funny. She only realized it when Clint laughed. 

'I never imagined him to be that romantic!' he said. Alex continued eating, not wanting to defend nor criticize Kris. Not making side comments was good because Clint shifted to a different topic. 'I'm happy we're here tonight.'

In the corner of Alex's mind she wanted to laugh. The irony of Clint saying that Kris doesn't look like a romantic guy and yet here he was, telling her phrases like I'm happy we're here tonight. Thinking of the better option, she just nodded and agreed with him. At least the foods were good distractions. 

When they finished dinner, Clint insisted on driving the car so that Alex can rest her feet and hands. He saw the roses on top of the passenger's seat. 'Did he give you that?'

Alex gently took the flowers and put it on her lap. 'Yes, it's for New Year.' She chose to lie because there was no other way to get away with it. She asked 'Where are we going?' without meeting his eyes.

'To the boardwalk near Maysan Tower. There will be fireworks display at twelve.' Alex was instantly reminded of bungee jumping and happy childhood talks with Wu Yi Fan. She looked at the flowers one more time. They are rare and perfect.

When they got to the bay, several people (specifically couples) were sitting on the green benches holding hands. It was lucky that they found a vacant space where they can sit. 

What's Kris doing now? Is he home with his Mom, also waiting for 2014? What did he wish for at that shooting star? 

'Alex, are you with me?'

Alex almost wanted to slap herself for whatever it was she's thinking. She's here with Clint, not Kris. 'Yah, sorry, I'm just tired.' She massaged the sides of her forehead. 

'We still got an hour before new year.' Clint said. Alex can already predict his next words. 'Tell me, what's really going on?'

'What's really going on with what?' Alex doesn't know whether this was a good way to end 2013. She doesn't enjoy having serious and deep talks with Clint. There could be many reasons. During long conversations about relationships or fights or arguments, Alex never wins. It goes with the explanation 'because Clint is four years older and he has a clearer and wiser perspective of what is right'. If she could avoid it, she would.

'You know what I'm talking about. I came back here so that we can be together. But it doesn't feel like that.' 

Alex would have avoided it tonight if she wanted to. But she found herself wanting to defend her side. And maybe that makes her a bad fiancé because she can be childish and pointless and whatever it is she's about to become. 'When you were in Canada I contacted you more than I can count in my hands. They ended up either unread in your inbox or missed in your call history, I don't know.' Seeing that Clint's about to contradict her again, she continued, 'You did call. I'm not saying this because I want you contacting me every second okay? I just hoped that instead of preparing a wedding without my knowledge, you could've at least answered me and made me feel like I'm your girlfriend!'

Clint raised a hand to stop her. 'I wanted to surprise you! I thought that by doing it you will be happy and there'll be less time to worry about the preparations.'

'There's no need to rush, Clint! Before I left you there, I told you we'll talk about the wedding once you're back in Korea. That meant both of us and not just you!' Alex was right about this not being a good idea. Her voice was already rising. She composed herself before saying another word. This time in lower volume she says, 'I love you, Clint. I don't care if it's a grand wedding or not. Private or not. I was happy to get engaged with you and I thank you for making time to set a surprise while you were probably very busy taking care of your parents and managing the restaurant at the same time. My point is...yes, I'll be there on February 8 wearing my wedding gown. People will be saying things like 'Wow, Clint must have chosen the venue and the motifs' or 'Everything looks great!' and where am I going to be in those comments? Where's my part? I didn't help with anything because you didn't let me. You're the one who planned every single detail. Is it even my wedding? Our?'

Alex stopped. It was unusual for Clint to be this quiet in a talk. Did she hurt him? Did she go too far? Is she being unreasonable? Or is she finally making sense? 

She bit her lip. She will say no more. It was all she could. Her confusion's all over her tonight. Rather than get angry with her, Alex was hoping Clint would understand. That Clint would see pass through her. Like Kris always does. Why does Kris keep coming to her head!? 

Just when she's on the verge of believing that Clint would see her point, he says, 'I'm twenty-seven, Alex. I want to get married soon and build a family. There is nothing else I want right now but to settle down.'

That's crap, Alex thought. Then she realized what the problem is. In a good relationship, you care about your partner more than yourself. You would've waited. If she wants to go explore new things, you let her. Your partner would willingly allow you the opportunity to reach your dreams. He would want you to grow and will support you in the things you want to do. Alex hates to accept it, but she and Clint aren't in those definitions right now. Can they ever be?

The fireworks lit up the sky. In another world, Alex would've jumped and enjoyed the view till it disappears. Clint would've taken her hand and they would kissed 2013 goodbye. 

But these aren't real. Right now imagining it only adds up to the bitter truth. The truth that they are slowly drifting apart. 

Hello 2014. What a starter you are. 

Alex couldn't sleep. She's been on her bed since they got home from the fireworks scribbling words on her planner. Clint slept downstairs on the sofa. 

At three midnight, when Alex was sure that Clint's already asleep, she walked out the door and drove the car heading to Chesca's.

As expected, Chesca was still up. The Linns always celebrate New Years in a hyped level. They were shocked but happy to see Alex. When she asked Chesca if she could sleep-over, the latter almost snorted, 'Do I have any other choice?'

Chesca knows something was going on, of course. A friend can tell when a friend's in need. They closed the bedroom door and Alex started her tale. Chesca tried her best to stay neutral. And then she started her version of advices. 'Four years ago we talked about the future. You told me you'd finish nursing at 21. You'd probably model for two years after that and save money. At 25, you'd fall in love and get serious in a relationship. Get married at 27 and have kids at 30. Do you remember that?'

Alex obviously does. It was one of the good old times. She nodded.

'Let's see. You're 24 now. You didn't become a nurse because you stopped schooling at 20. You started modeling at 22 and met Clint on the same year. You got engaged at 24 and you'll get married before turning 25. Congratulations! Yours is a little fast-forward, don't you think?' 

They both laughed not because it's funny but because it's super damn true. Alex threw the pillow to her friend. Chesca caught it before it hit her in the face. 'Seriously, what's up with your numbers? It's like four thirty in the clock without passing three!'

Alex rolled her eyes even though what Chesca was saying makes absolute sense. It's like running to a deadline and couldn't make herself stop. She thought of her old dreams: nurse in a white uniform. She thought of her old self: persistent and perceptive. Where have those gone to? Does she still want them? Now?

After everything that she said, Alex knew the last would create the biggest scar. And the last 
thing she told Chesca before getting to sleep was 'I think I've fallen in love with the galaxy.'

Chesca couldn't be wrong. Even with that sentence she knew whom Alex was referring to. What she's going to do couldn't be right either.

Kris didn't see Alex for entirely two weeks. He's not sure whether it was because they were pass the thirty-day proposal or Alex clearly doesn't wish to see him anymore. He went to her apartment on January 11. 

The moment the door opened and he assumed it was her, Kris blurted out 'Why aren't y-'

Chesca's the one who greeted him by saying, 'Hey Kris.'

Feeling embarrassed but not wanting to show it, Kris helloed back. 'Hi Chesca. Is Alex here?'

'She went to Flix's with Clint. They just left.' As if to explain why she's currently acting like the owner of the place, she added, 'I always stay here whenever I'm lazy to go to my house. Much nearer from my school, you know.'

Kris nodded. 'Please tell Alex I dropped by. She's not replying to my messages. I just thought maybe she's...' He lost it from there. What excuses can he make?

'I'll tell her.' Chesca said, saving him. 

Kris turned to leave.

'Kris, wait!'

Chesca has gone back inside to get something and Kris waited for her on the doorstep. When she came back, she's carrying a big brown box. 'Please don't tell Alex I gave you these. Return it to me once you've finished. It's a top secret. I just thought that maybe you should know.'

Kris took the box from her and saw the CDs inside. He read the label. Fan girl.

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