NOTHING

All the way back to Alex's apartment, Kris stayed quiet. The music inside the car was loud enough to fill in the awkward silence between them but Alex can almost hear her own breathing and Kris said nothing. She thought of topics they could talk about but none of it slipped from . There is something that's bothering Kris and she knows it. He can't even look her in the eye since they left his condominium an hour ago. Is it because of the serious questions he asked during dinner? Alex looked down on her palms. Is it true that Clint wouldn't like it if she and Kris continues to be friends after he arrives? Or was she only being paranoid and is wrong about the whole thing? Maybe Clint wouldn't mind it. Kris is her friend now. Only a friend and nothing more.

'We're here.' 

Alex had not noticed the car stop. She saw her apartment outside the car window. Kris was looking at her now; and she didn't know what to make of his eyes. Are they sad or just plain tired? For a moment they just stared at each other. Then Alex was out of the BMW. No goodbyes, no thank yous.

But she looked back. Because she has to. They need to talk.

'Kris?'

He was standing there right behind her when she turned, as if he's going to walk her all the way up to her front door. Maybe he also has words to say. They're now only two feet apart. Kris is two inches taller than her. What do they look like from the outside? Alex wondered about that for days. Whenever they're together, do they really look like couples? Are they like nails on the ground, one of iron and the other rusty? Or like two fallen stars shining differently? What's it like to be with Yi Fan? 

'I was thinking...' what was she thinking? That Clint will be here in less than fourteen days and what? 'I might get married anytime soon. If not second month of next year, maybe on March or maybe earlier, I don't know. And-' 

It will hit the news. And she has two rings to wear then, one on both hands. 'Your fans will find out. Eventually they will. And maybe people will start asking themselves how can that possibly be when in fact you were seen publicly dating me for months. You know, Kris's girlfriend suddenly became someone else's wife. What will you tell them? Will you tell them-'

He cut her off. 'Tell them that everything was just pretend? No, I don't think I'll tell them that. I will say it didn't work. And they'll make their own assumptions. I'll leave it that way.' Kris said it rather coldly. Alex tried to picture it in her head. Yes, maybe Kris will be able to handle that, in whatever way he can. 

Alex nodded. 'One more question.' She gestured with her right finger. 'If I invite you to my wedding, will you come?' Will he take that risk, of attending her used-to-be-fake-girlfriend's wedding? Can he?

Kris didn't answer directly. 'Are you actually inviting me now?' 

'Just answer.' 

He considered it for a second and then he said, 'Yes, I probably will be there.'

That wasn't what Alex expected. What is she expecting? That he'd prefer not to go because people will be everywhere gossiping and taking pictures? 

'Okay,' Alex said after a while. Kris smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. They could've stand there for half an hour. They could've ask every single question they had for each other. But Kris walked the opposite way and for an instant Alex hoped he'd call back. 

He did.

'Are we really just pretending? Or am I really your boyfriend?' 

The question surprised Alex. She thinks that if there's one thing they should've been aware of since the beginning, it's the fact that they are just pretending. Kris must not have forgotten that. She was just about to protest when Kris raised a hand to stop her. 'It was only a joke!'

There was something sarcastic with the way he said it. Nonetheless, Alex faked a laugh so both of them can finally rest the night off. It's been a day full of questions. It wasn't a test of trust and honesty because Alex no longer doubts Kris and his actions the way she did on their first dates. It is their truth and faith combined. Like a melody to a song. 

She heard the wheels screech and the BMW was gone.

Thursday morning and Kris drove Lexy to the airport. Lexy sent him a message the other night telling him about her flight back to Europe. 

'Thanks for the ride, Kris.' Lexy stands with her luggage beside her. For once, Kris didn't care if people were looking. He's grown tired of caring about what they'll say. He's here to do Lexy one last favor. 

He hooked the car keys in the belt loop of his pants. He and Lexy were both wearing sun shades. The corner of his lip curved up. 'You're welcome.'

Lexy's flight is at ten thirty and it's only eight. While they were in the car, Lexy chose to talk more about herself. She mentioned about her first trip to France, and her reasons for wanting to live there for good and leaving Seoul. Kris knew no one could convince her to stay, but himself. But he wouldn't do that. Lexy will have a good life in France. Separately, they'll both accept things as they are now and ignore the left turns. The right choice is to turn right. That will always be it.

'Alex is engaged. She is, isn't she?' 

The shades was a good idea. They couldn't see pass through each other's eyes. They both can hide behind the blacks and browns. 

Kris said nothing. It's not like Lexy was actually asking him. It sounded more like she needed agreement not a confirmation. 

'I saw her engagement ring. She was wearing it that night when you were drunk and she gave a hand to help Sehun carry you to your hotel.' 

This was news to Kris. He doesn't wish to remember that evening. He was less than half-aware of everything that happened then. If Lexy has seen the ring, there was no way to deny it from her. Still Kris remained mute.

'You're in love with her. I know you are.' Lexy said it so surely. Kris didn't like how her words seem to sting.

Kris snorts. 'How can you be so sure?' 

The moment Lexy answered, he wished he didn't ask. 'You were in love with me too, remember?'

His smile fades. Lexy knew him well. Even now. It's that connection that did not go to thrash. Lying is an option but it's not needed now. 

Lexy continues. 'Are you sure you don't want to come with me? It might do you good, you know?'

What did she mean by good? Is going away and acting as if nothing happened good? Is forgetting his feelings for Alex good? Is that as simple as it sounds? Kris almost wanted to laugh. 'I would rather stay,' he said.

How many times does he have to say no more to his ex-girlfriend? How many times does he have to choose Alex over nothing? It has gotten that bad, huh? He thought to himself. 

Lexy put her hands on his shoulders. Her red lips touched his cheek. 'Good luck for whatever.'

Whatever has never been a big word. Whatever used to mean empty or blank. How can whatever suddenly mean so much more? Kris and Lexy said goodbyes for the nth time. They parted too, for the second.

Alex didn't see Kris again after that night outside her apartment. None of her messages or calls was from him that whole week. And every time she tries to contact him he's not answering. They were four days away from Christmas and Alex went out to the mall with Chesca the previous day. They bought gifts for friends. Alex bought something for her idol-turned-fake-boyfriend. But there was no way of reaching him. 

She tried calling Gregson too. And Kai. They told her that Kris was busy. The thing is...he was busy all those times but he made time for her, right? How can lately be any different? It's like he's the one who's preparing for a secret wedding! He's not avoiding her, is he? That doesn't make any sense at all. 

Maybe Alex will visit the hospital. Tomorrow she will. Maybe Kris will be there. And his Dad and his Mom. Alex isn't used to hearing nothing from the famous Chinese rapper. He's always been a man of 'something'. A man of fame, a man of guts, a man of crazy ideas, a man of dates, and a lot more. But never 'nothing'.