chapter forty-one

Last Disguise

They were walking back from work.

After a long day of dealing with college’s stuff, a bit of studying, the pressure of work and dealing with so many and different costumers, it had finally ended leaving them take a rest. They needed it. Because it was really tired some.

But there was something bothering one of the boy’s thoughts. There was something Lu Han was thinking and thinking about all the day along. And every time he remembered that, his gaze felt on Alice, when they were together at work, or, when he was in college, it felt on nowhere; he started at nothing making him forget what he was doing or even not paying attention at what his teacher said or what did his friends or classmates mentioned.

Every single time he eyed her, he saw nothing but a smile, a welcoming and sweet smile, but he knew it didn’t match her eyes. Even if the latter shined, those were still holding a fragile glow.

And now Lu Han was able to comprehend the reason behind that gaze, that hypnotizing fragile, but bright gaze Alice carries around.

Never before he had seen someone with that kind of look. A look that mesmerized you so badly. A look that is so sweet, tender and simple. But also a look that is really crystalline, almost like porcelain.

The news he received in the morning, shocking him. At first, he thought it was a joke, a really bad one of course, but then he noticed the seriousness on the demon’s tone and gaze; Xiumin didn’t look like he was playing around. There wasn’t a reason to do so.

Actually, Xiumin’s objective was telling Lu Han the truth because he knew, he was sure, Alice won’t mention his boyfriend that topic. It wasn’t like the girl didn’t trust Lu Han, that wasn’t her real reason at all; it was because the pain it brings her. Even if she disguises it as a event that she treasures with happiness and delight, it was painful and heavy for her remember it.

She blames herself for that.

But he waited until latter to confirm what that demon named Xiumin mentioned him.

Lu Han was walking next to Alice, their hands locked and their fingers interlace into a soft aura. He was caressing her had with his thumb, giving her the sudden feel of electricity traveling all around her body due to the tenderness of his touch.

He lifted his gaze from the road towards his friends, Sehun and Jongin, who were walking a bit ahead of the couple leaving them a space where they can be by themselves, alone. “Guys, go ahead. I need something to do before”

They stopped and turned. Jongin and Sehun agreed with his command. And when Alice was about to walk together with the duo, Lu Han stopped her, demanding he need to dragged her with him. As they noticed Lu Han and Alice walking far for them, they smirked.

“Don’t come back too late!” Jongin joked earning a laugh from Lu Han and Sehun, who was next to him; and Alice blushed with his commentary.

The girl followed him silently. Wherever he was dragging her, she was willing to go no matter what. Alice trusts him, she grew attached to him, she had grown closer to him. So going wherever he took her was easy. She knows he won’t hurt or judge her.

Because as Alice, Lu Han’s love is true. Because as Alice, he won’t harm anyone, especially her, in any way.

After a few minutes of passing with small, calm steps, they reached their destination. Alice realized there were inside the usual park where both talked. The usual place where their feelings are exposed and a place where they can be alone and talk freely. The calm and comforting place to declare what is bothering you, to cry, to feel happy, to confess or else.

It was the perfect place, a silent park.

“Is there something bothering you?”

Lu Han turned towards her, they were still holding hands. All the time they were holding hands. Alice’s grip got stronger as she noticed his tender gaze. She felt her heart shrieked because it wasn’t only a gentle one, but a fragile and broken one too; just like the gazes she has most of the time.

And before she could even say a word, Lu Han hugged her with his free hand, the other one still holding Alice’s soft hands. She was confused, surprised, yet happy. This hug felt different from the ones she had received from him. This was a preoccupied and delicate one. It was like Lu Han was afraid to break her, to tear her apart because of what he did, or knew.

“Lu Han?” she whispered inhaling his sweet and addictive scent.

He broke the embrace and rested his forehead against her. He had his eyes closed.

“Tell me. About your mom. Tell me what really happen”

Alice’s eyes got wider. She was speechless. She got aware Lu Han knew about it. Not the details, but something. He had a vague idea? Or maybe he already knew everything? No. That can’t be. If he was asking her about her mother, he didn’t know fully. Maybe his assumptions are mixed together, like a puzzle which pieces are lost and mixed. He needed someone who organized them and put them together once again to comprehend everything.

But Alice didn’t know that Lu Han already knew everything. He just wanted to hear those details from .

And he was willing to silent.

In the moment Alice’s eyes landed on his, she felt like crying. She felt so vulnerable and weak. It was like he could see through her eyes all the pain, the sadness, the remorse and the guilty her shoulders were carrying.

She felt like an open book, where Lu Han can inquire into and caught the most deep secrets and thoughts about her; mostly about her past and her present.

Alice sighed as she smiled. She led him to sit on a bench. She didn’t even know how to start. How was she supposed to reveal one of her biggest secrets? It was one of her biggest fears. And never before she had talk about it. Never before she had explained it to someone. It just brings her tears and pain. It’s a memory she avoids remembering. It’s an explanation she avoids mentioning. It’s a wound she avoids touching it.

“It all started when I realized I was half-demon,” she started with a monotonous and painful gaze. She wasn’t facing Lu Han, but the threes around them. Her hands were resting on her lap one was forming a fist and the other one was on top, caressing it.

“I had lived a normal life for fourteen years. I attended school and had friends. I was just like any normal girl in town. I used to live together with my mom. Only the two of us. One day, after school I heard voices when I reach home. I realized my mom wasn’t alone. She was in the kitchen talking with two males, Xiumin and Chen. I just walked near the kitchen’s door and heard them. And what I heard was shocking and devastating,” she paused.

Lu Han noticed her eyes were becoming teary so he decided to take her hands and put them into his grip, a comforting a calm grip. And it calmed her down, a bit.

So she continued still sobbing a bit, “In that moment, I heard nothing but the truth. I was half-demon half-human. Never before I met my father and that day I realized he was a demon. It was really hurtful. My mom never mentioned a single detail about him, but she told me he was a nice person. Nothing more. I couldn’t hate him for not being with us, for not meeting me once, for not having a single clue of what did he looked like or how his personality was. All that time I presumed he had passed away when I was little. That was my mom told me.

When my mom noticed me on the door hearing them, she wasn’t mad or surprised. She had a hurtful gaze and hugged me immediately. S-She told me to forgive her, when there wasn’t anything to forgive about. She was crying silently and I didn’t comprehend why she was crying. Later I did. Xiumin and Chen met my mother long ago, before I even born. She met them because of my father”

In that moment she stopped because of the sudden feel of something wet on her cheeks. Alice was already crying. She wasn’t near the real reason for her pain and she was already crying.

She was about to touch her face to clean the tears, but she felt something soft on her eyes. It was the feeling of someone’s lips in the corner of her eyes. Lu Han was kissing her tears from pain.

Then he caressed her face and told her to continue. His gaze was comforting and gentle that just made Alice melted due to the sincerity in his eyes.

She felt a bit stronger to continue talking. She felt braver because Lu Han was next to her, willing to hear her pain and her troubles.

“That day, Xiumin and Chen explained to me who I was and about my purpose. Since I was half-demon my duty was being and apprentice. There wasn’t an exit for my destiny because The Council knew about me. They knew about my existence, but not about my origins. They simply assumed I was a born-demon raised in Earth, when I wasn’t.

I felt like my life was a big lie. I felt betrayed and hurt. Even if I didn’t show it, because I didn’t want others to worry about me, I was devastated. My mom apologized to me every single day, even if I told her it was ok, she continue telling me to forgive her. I loved her, so there wasn’t a reason to have remorse against her.

Every day, Xiumin and Chen visited me and took care of me. I presumed demons to be cold-hearted and greedy, but they weren’t. Yet, they told me most of demons had the opposite character as them and indeed when I moved to Hell I was scared to death. It was like all your fears became real. It was a place where your weakness became visible. A place where I felt like breaking in any moment because of the dark and strong aura it emanates”

She turned to face him. Lu Han was hearing every single word Alice told him and she was astonished. He was paying attention. His gaze wasn’t surprised or reflected any single hint of fear.

“I was able to finish high school. Xiumin and Chen let me, at least, finish school after I moved. I had to move to Hell. Even if I didn’t like the idea. I was already alone by that time”

Lu Han knew she was referring that her mother had already passed away by that time.

“What happened to her?” He asked because it was a detail Xiumin didn’t mention to him. And it was driving him crazy not knowing about it.

“My mother had a weak health. I always assumed it was because she was born with a disease, but later I realized it wasn’t because of that, but me.” Alice’s cried, so many tears falling from her eyes. She felt really guilty. “Because of me…she died”

In that moment, she sobbed harder. She cried like never before. And Lu Han didn’t anything but embrace her in a possessive but warming hug as he caressed her back. He kissed her forehead so many times as his touches became more and more caring.

“She didn’t tell me that I was stealing her vital energy just by being near her. With every single touch, kiss or hug I was taking away her life. Because we had a special bond, a mother-daughter bond, stealing her energy was easy. It didn’t happen before with my friends or classmates, but with my mother. One day, the day she felt in her weakest she told me. She told me the day she passed away!” Alice grip on Lu Han’s shirt became stronger as she continued crying. Her face buried into her chest. “I still can’t bare with the guilt my hearts feels. I still feel like I kill her”

“Don’t say that,” Lu Han whispered calmly against her ear. “Don’t ever say you kill her because even if she didn’t told you about it, she was willing to sacrifice herself for your sake. Just like you do for others. So don’t blame yourself on something that depended on your mother. She made the decision of taking care of you even with the risks it would lead her”

It was true. Lu Han’s words were nothing but the true.

After that day, Alice learnt how to steal other’s people vital energy properly. Even if there were bonds of friendship or love, her body’s life learnt how to control the necessities.

“You are really something,” she laughed as she clean some tears in her eyes. Lu Han cleaned them too with his thumb and smiled too.

“What happened next? I believe your friends still recognized you, don’t they?”

Alice shook her head and continued. “The day I graduated I moved to Hell. My friend memories or the people who once saw me got erased. As well a mine. The memories I had from them vanished. What I remember are some of the streets and my mother’s memories. I was away for a year and a half and I noticed this place changed a lot”

“Nobody remembers you?”

Alice shook her head, but she wasn’t hurt. She already assumed that fact. Even some of the memories of the places she had been were also deleted.

And In a year a city can change a lot.

Lu Han hugged her once again and closed his eyes to embrace the moment. “You’ve been through so much pain and still remained silent. And just like you told me, “You were suffering alone and that must have hurt more” and I know it was the most painful feeling in the world”

Alice nodded and sobbed. Lu Han was indeed right.

“I’m here with you. I’m here to suffer with you. I’m here to hear your pain and troubles, so we can both find a solution. And you know why I’m willing to experience that with you?”

She lifted her gaze and felt deep into his stare as she waited for his answer.

“Because I love you. The pain you suffer it’s also the pain I feel. The troubles you deal with are also my troubles. All because I care for you”

Alice smiled deeply and honestly. Lu Han’s words were the most comforting and kind ones she could ever hear. And she was grateful for his love and his tenderness.

All because she also loves him back.

Alice was about to tell him “I love you too” but she wasn’t able to. Lu Han’s phone started ringing ruining the moment.

It was a call from Sehun’s phone and as soon as he answered it he heard so many screaming voices that he had to put away his phone because the noise. Yet, he was able to comprehend some questions.

“Stop yelling! I can’t hear you if you all speak at the same time, dumb-asses!”

Alice laughed earning a smile from him too.

“Lu Han, do you know what time is it?” It was Sulli’s voice and no. He didn’t pay attention to the time, so he assumed it was late, but not as late as Sulli mentioned. “It’s already 3:00 am!”

Lu Han’s eyes got wider in surprise. The time flew as he talked with Alice. They were so deep and concentrated into their conversation that they didn’t realize it was already that late.

Lu Han put his phone into speaker, so Alice could her them too.

“I’m sorry. We are on our way back”

“Yah. Yah. You guys aren’t in a hotel, are you?” It was Jongin’s voice.

“We didn’t interrupt you, did we?” It was Baekhyun.

Alice blushed deeply. These guys were really erted sometimes.

“No we aren’t. We are on a park about five minutes,” Lu Han answered not affected by his friend’s comments, “And before you ask further. We didn’t anything, but TALK.” Lu Han emphasized the last word.

“I told you they wouldn’t be doing that kind of kinds” “Such a shame!” “I was expecting some action, you know?” “Still, I don’t get why we had to use my credit to call them when we knew they were safe”

“We’ll be waiting for you,” Sulli said with her calm voice, “Come back safe!”

And then the phone call ended.

“They got easily worried about you,” Alice commented with a smile.

Lu Han put away his phone as he laughed. “Not only me, but you too.”

True.

They were on their way back towards the apartment. And, suddenly, a question popped out on Lu Han’s thoughts.

“Say Alice…if you were a student, the name you used by then it wasn’t the one you have now, was it?”

Alice smiled as she bit her lower lip.

Lu Han just asked her about her real name, the name she was given by birth and the name only, by now, she knew about. Because all the time, her mother addressed her as Alice when she didn’t even why, but she was ok with it. Later the girl realized it was for her own safety.

Alice was a nickname given by her mother that means generosity. Her name is the definition of someone who is considerate and who is willing to help everyone. Not only that but also that name, in an American meaning, represents someone who is noble; just like she is. And in a German context, Alice means nobility and sweet.

She loves the nickname her mother gave her. Not only because it’s the last memory from her that Alice treasures and protects, but also due to the deep meaning. Alice matches perfectly with her warm-hearted and sincere personality. Alice was the perfect name for her. And the moment her mother had to come with a hidden name, she knew Alice would fit her perfectly. Just by looking at her daughter’s eyes her mother knew she made the right choice.

She made her daughter promised she won’t tell anyone her real name. Instead, she’ll be addressed by that; she’ll be called and identified by Alice. And she was…for nineteen years straight, her real name was completely hidden. No one but Alice and her mother knew about it, about her secret name. 

Neither Xiumin nor Chen knew about her real name. She didn’t tell them. Alice hasn’t used that name in years, because even in her school people addressed her as Alice or Ali. Even in her records the name that was written down was Alice.

And here was this boy. Lu Han was asking about her secret, the hidden name she haven’t mention to anyone. And it makes her laugh that he was able to come with that idea so fast; recognizing that Alice was nothing but a nickname.

But she was willing to tell him her real name. All because she trust him deeply.

And because of that revelation, her last disguise will fall. Her last façade will disappear. Leaving behind the truth person she was from the begging. The determinate, sweet, gentle, sincere girl, but also the ones full with flaws, guilty, pain and struggles. All the lies behind her disguise and the wall she built because of the rueful will vanish.

Alice smiled softly. “Ahri. My real name is Ahri.”

 author's note 

» This is the longest chapter I ever wrote yet the most meanigful <3 Little by little I showed you Alice's true self and finally we got this far in where I reveal her real name! Actually, when I first started with this idea, I didn't think about a korean name for her. I was going to stay with Alice the hole time, but then this idea came to my mind and decided to add it :)

Hope you like the long and meaningful chapter :D