When I got back to Illinois, it was all planning, planning, planning for the wedding. It was all coming together, but it was all stressful. The twins were walking around now, too, and TOP was now gone to film his video in Korea so it was just me with the kids for the most part. I needed a break. Not only was life hectic with the twins and planning the wedding with TOP over Skype, but right before (literally, the day of) TOP had to go to Korea, I had my appointment to the results of my chemo and everything. The results weren't what we were looking forward to, and no one knew about them except me and TOP. I didn't want to bother my family with it.

 

So on a random Saturday, I decided to do something I had never done before: take the kids over to AJ's. the family was all busy, and AJ was in town with his mom, and when I told him how I needed a break, he immediately agreed. So I packed up a bag, got the twins in their winter coats and hats, and drove them over to Ms. Lane's house.

 

When I pulled up, AJ immediately walked outside to help, Kelsey behind him. She was a sophomore in high school now, but I still knew AJ didn't exactly get along with her. He never could stand his little sister.

 

I got out of the SUV and walked back to my back door, where Mina was. AJ went to the back passenger side to get Jae Sun.

 

"Thank you so much, AJ." I sighed as I took Mina put and he took Jae.

 

"It's no problem." AJ said as he put Jae on his hip.

 

I shut the door and walked over, Mina kicking her legs excitedly. AJ led me inside, Kelsey tagging along.

 

When we got in, I kicked off my boots so I would not track snow in, and followed AJ into the house. I knew this place like the back of my hand.

 

Ms. Lane was in the kitchen, loading the dishwasher.

 

"Hi, Ms. Lane!" I smiled happily as I set Mina down and undid her coat.

 

"Hi, Nat!" Ms. Lane smiled, closing the dishwasher. "How are you?"

 

"Thankful AJ agreed to watch the kids." I sighed. I took off Mina's boots, and then her hat. I smoothed down her dark brown locks.

 

"Everything been a little too overwhelming? Having twins must be a handful. I'm glad Allen was five when Kelsey was born, because then he could help."

 

I sighed and nodded, giggling when I saw AJ struggle to Take off Jae's boots. "Yeah, that's a little tricky to deal with with Seung Hyun being away. The wedding planning and everything... I never knew it was so hard."

 

"We'll, go relax and have some Mommy time. You need it at your age. The twins will be perfect for us I bet. You have nothing to worry about."

 

I nodded and stood. Mina reached out for me, so I picked her up. "I have everything in the bag for the twins." I told AJ. "You know their diet. Only organic. They'll definitely take a nap, and I'm sorry, but they'll walk all over the place..."

 

AJ chuckled as Jae Sun hugged one of AJ's legs for balance. "It'll be fine, Nat."

 

I sighed and set down Mina. "I'm just going to the dance studio with Ri, so you can call at any time. I can come right over. I shouldn't be more than a couple hours." I squatted and kissed Mina on the forehead. I did the same with Jae. "Be good to your uncle, okay? Mom will be back soon." I stood.

 

Before I left, AJ stopped me. "Hey, how did your appointment go, by the way?"

 

I froze and gulped. "Uh, fine. It was fine."

 

"Good." AJ nodded, relieved.

 

------

 

At the dance studio, I waited for Seungri to pull up. I was in my car, texting TOP about what I was up to. He had a month left of filming, and then he'd be home. I missed him, and was thinking about taking a trip to Korea to see him with the twins.

 

Seungri soon pulled up next to me, and I got out and put my gym bag on my shoulder and looked at the text TOP sent me:

 

So glad ajs there 2 help u! Very thankful 4 him... go relax with maknae and dance ur stress away. I kno ur upset about the appointment and I am 2 but remember: god must have a plan for us. I love you! ^^ <3

 

I scoffed and shook my head. Some mean plan God must have planned.... Hadn't I already been through enough? I text TOP back a quick I love you, and walked over to Seungri.

 

"Hey, sweetheart. How's it going?" Seungri smiled, his sunglasses hiding his eyes. He hugged me tightly. I hadn't seen Seungri since the twin's first birthday party, and that was about a month ago.

 

"Good now that I get to see you." I smiled, letting go of him. I looked at him. He looked a little buffer than last time I saw him, and his hair was longer but not by much. He looked really good.

 

"Let's go dance. I need to." I sighed, walking towards the building.

 

"How are the twins?" Seungri asked as we walked in.

 

"Fine." I nodded. "You saw them take a few steps at their party, but now they're all over the place. They look like little adults, it's so funny. They're at AJ's because everyone was busy."

 

"Well I'm glad they're doing good." Seungri grinned. We opened one of the studios and stepped in. I the lights by the wall, and took a deep breath. Already I began to relax.

 

"You been doing anything with VINAT?" Seungri asked casually as he ped his hoodie.

 

I shrugged. "Somewhat. Me and Vin modeled for a magazine cover at Vogue."

 

"I saw that." Seungri nodded. I slid off my boots and put on the correct shoes. "You guys looked great."

 

"Thanks." I smiled. "But other than that I haven't done much. Oh yeah, I've modeled Jeremy Scott's Adidas spring collection. That was fun."

 

Seungri nodded. "Photoshoots are fun. Did hyung tell you what we're planning on doing?"

 

I shook my head. "No, what?"

 

"Doing an English release of the Alive album. Make videos for Bad Boy, Blue, and Fantastic Baby. Wouldn't that be cool?"

 

"Yeah." I nodded. "That'd be really cool."

 

"Hyung had this great idea, too. For Blue, since its sadder, we show the hardships of being idols. Like being away from the ones we love. Like hyung being away from you and the twins, Youngbae being away from Madeline, Jiyong not being with Jinae, and me and Daesung hyung being away from, well.... Someone."

 

"Well that's a great idea." I nodded, sliding off my sweatpants, which I wore spandex underneath. "Now can we please just dance?"

 

"Of course. Are you coming Hing Kong for the MAMAs?"

 

"If I can get a babysitter." I nodded. I the stereo and plugged in my iPod. "Please. I don't need to talk about anything right now. I need to just dance."

I had too much stress right now. I didn't need to talk.

 

Seungri nodded. "Do you just want to do choreography? Or freestyle?"

 

"Just warm up." I shrugged as BAP's No Mercy came on. I looked on the mirror and started moving my body, focusing on each part of my body, letting my hands raise above my head as I rotated my hips, my abs flexing. I got into some more hip hop moves, trying to block out every stress in my mind. This was my haven.

 

We danced to other songs, too, and worked on some choreography of old songs. We had both worked up a sweat, and Seungri had taken off his tank top.

 

We started on Strong Baby, and for some reason, my mind started flooding with thoughts. Especially about my most recent doctors visit. It hurt do much just to know that things weren't gonna be perfect ever.

 

It just kept hitting me, like punches. I couldn't take it.

 

So the moment where I had to lay back on the ground and Seungri leaned in, Seungri noticed my eyes were filling with tears. 

 

"Natalia?" He asked, concerned. He stopped what he was doing.

I just started crying. I couldn't help it. So Seungri got up, hurried to the stereo, and turned it off. I sat up and started crying, my elbows on my knees, my head in my hands. 

 

I couldn't believe it as the news kept replaying in my head.

 

"Natalia, come on now. What's wrong?" Seungri asked, sitting next to me.

 

"I-I-I-" I tried. 

 

Seungri stopped me. "You're going to hyperventilate, sweetheart. Try to calm down. What happened?"

 

I tried to calm down. I lifted my head and looked at Seungri. "R-remember my doctors appointment I had before Top left?"

 

Seungri nodded. "You told us everything was fine."

 

I wiped my eyes. "Not exactly..."

 

Seungri looked at me, his eyes widening. "N-Nat..."

 

I shook my head. "The cancer is gone. But... With the radiation and surgery, we found out it damaged me pretty bad... It killed some of my eggs, and women can't make more. You're born with as many as ur gonna have. But... It damaged other things too. Not only is it going to be rare for me to conceive, but it'll be a lot more likely for me to have a miscarriage." I started crying again.

 

Seungri's hand went to my back. "I'm so sorry... Did they give you any statistics?"

 

I nodded. "It's a ten percent chance for me to get pregnant, and if I do, the chances of the fetus growing full term is about thirty percent." I let out a sob. "I can't have any more kids, Seungri! The one thing I wanted, and that chance is gone!"

 

"Hey hey hey." Seungri said, pulling me closer. He put both arms around me. "Come here. Listen to me, sweetheart. You are a great person. You are so strong. And you have two beautiful children already. It's a tragedy you can't have more, but At least God blessed you with Mina and Jae Sun. Look at that bright side. And now you're healthy. Everything will be okay."

 

I sighed. "You just don't realize how much I wanted a big family.... It's silly. Whenever I have my period, I always think "well, there's another wasted egg. That could've been the ten percent chance."." I sat up and looked at him. "No one knows about this, Ri. Just you and Top know. And I want to keep it that way."

 

"Of course, Natalia. That isn't my news to tell."