"Hello Natalia. I'm Dr. Lee. How are you today?" an older Korean woman said as she walked into the examination room TOP and I were sitting in. We had set up an appointment with TOP's family doctor he and his family always went to. Vinny was watching the twins at home.

 

"Nervous." I admitted, laughing weakly. "Very nervous."

 

"Well, let's calm those nerves, why don't we?  Go ahead and lie back on the bed."

 

I did, and the doctor lightly pulled up my sweater to show my stomach. She began pressing in several places. "Is it tender anywhere?"

 

I shook my head. This was all scaring me.

 

"Well, right here it is a little more firm and bloated, which could be a cause of many things. What I am going to assign you to do right now is we are going to do a routine pregnancy test, since you've been late on your period. Then we'll go from there."

 

----

 

"I hate this." I whined as we waited for results on he test. It had to be at least thirty minutes that passed.

 

TOP patted my hand. "Calm down. We know it's probably nothing."

 

"But what if it is?" I looked at TOP. "Could we really handle another kid right now?"

 

"If that's the case, the. We'll deal with it."

 

I groaned. "Then we'll have to push the wedding back, Big Bang won't be able to do promotions on anything, YG will hate us-"

 

The door opened and in walked Dr. Lee with her clipboard, and a younger female doctor behind her. "Well, Natalia, we have the results. You aren't pregnant."

 

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God... Then what is it?" 

 

"Well, Natalia, I'd like you to meet my colleague, Dr. Daeyoung Kim. She's our practice's best gynecology oncologist and-"

 

"Wait." my heart stopped and I put my hand up. "Oncology... As in cancer."

 

"Yes. We just want to-"

 

"Wait wait wait." TOP interrupted, shakig his head. "This is ridiculous. If Nat had cancer, she'd look a lot worse than she does now. She doesn't have it. Where would she have it?"

 

"If the tests do come out positive," Dr. Lee sighed. "Then we'll go into details. Right now, we're just doing a few routine tests for it just because we want to cancel out that option. Natalia, you have a family history of cancer, right?"

 

I slowly nodded. "My mom's mother died of ovarian cancer when I was eight... My mom's dad died of pancreatic cancer when I was one... And my dad's mom is a cancer survivor."

 

"Nonna had cancer?" TOP asked me.

 

I silently nodded, looking at the doctors.

 

"Well, let's do a pelvic exam, blood test, and ultrasound, okay? Just so we can be sure it isn't any of those."

 

At this point, all I could do is nod and helplessly watch as they stuck my arm for blood samples. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't say much.

 

I looked at TOP. He was speechless, too, and had his elbows on his knees, and he had covered his mouth and nose with his hands. It kind of looked like he was praying. One of his legs was shaking nervously as he looked blankly at the wall in front of him.

 

They got done taking my blood, and it's as time for the part I was dreading: the pelvic exam. I hated them so much, especially when I was pregnant. It was uncomfortable and... Eww.

 

They told me to lay back, so I did. TOP immediately turned to face me, and he grabbed my hand as he leaned in, our foreheads against each other. "Everything's gonna be okay, okay? You're fine. Everything is perfect right now. This is nothing." TOP brought my hand up to his lips and kissed it softly. "I love you so much, okay? So many people love you. God would not do this to you. He would not do this to our family."

 

I nodded silently as a tear escaped my eyes. This couldn't happen. Everything had to be okay.

 

------

 

Waiting.

 

That's what a lot of doctors office visits consisted of. They put you in one little room as you wait your results. 

 

I hated it.

 

I was back in my regular clothes instead of that god-awful hospital gown. We were waiting for test results.

 

TOP finally stood and started pacing the room. "You know, they take too long." TOP said, shaking his head. "I mean, this should be on the top of their list!"

 

"Top, they have more important things, too." I said quietly.

 

"Like what?" TOP exclaimed, throwing his hands up. "I am freaking T-O-P of Big Bang! I should get top-notch treatment at a place like this! They are making us wait for nothing. Because all the tests will come back negative. Because this is nothing. You have nothing. You're safe. You're healthy. You aren't a cancer patient. You've never done anything terribly wrong in your life. You don't have it."

 

"Top..." I tried.

 

TOP kept going. "I mean, God would never do this to us. We have a great life. We have two beautiful children. So it's pretty much impossible for you to. E sick. You aren't sick. You don't have-"

 

"And what if I do?" I finally exclaimed. This got TOP to stop and look at me. I kept going. "Huh? What if they walk in and say I do have some form of cancer? What are we going to do then? What about the twins? What about the rest of our lives?"

 

Could my life really be shortened that quickly?

 

I felt my eyes cloud up. "Top, I can't. I can't do this to my family. Theyve dealt with too much. I can't have them see me like that, all frail and weak. I can't leave the twins and you and-"

 

"Stop talking like that!" TOP snapped immediately, pointing at me. "You do not talk like that! You are going to be fine, and we're going to be happy, and then we're going to go home and find Vinny covered in baby food trying to feed the twins and we're going to laugh once we realize we should have never trusted him alone with the kids." TOP stepped forward. "Then, we're going to go home and get married and live happily ever after. And we'll be old and wrinkly as we watch our grandchildren play out on the yard from the front porch." TOP squatted down so he was at eye level with me. His eyes were glossy, and his chin was trembling. "You are fine, you hear me? You'll be okay." he kissed me.

 

He sat back down, and the door opened. Dr. Lee kept her hand on the door. "If you two wouldn't mind following me to Dr. Kim's office, we have the results back."

 

We both immediately got up and followed her down the hall. I felt like I was going to be sick. I couldn't take this. All that was going through my mind were the twins. I needed them.

 

More importantly, they needed me.

 

We got to the office, which consisted of a desk, a big bookcase, pictures of various anatomies on the walls, Dr, Kim's degree, and three comfortable looking chairs in front of the desk. 

Dr. Kim was behind the desk, looking at my file. "Please, sit down and make yourselves comfortable." she said. There was no smile. No hint of happiness.

 

TOP and I slowly sat down as Dr. Lee shut the office door.

 

"Well?" I squeaked.

 

Dr. Kim sighed and looked at us. "From all the testing we've done, we have noticed a mass in your lower left abdomen, on your left ovary. After the blood test, you did come out positive with extra CA 125 in your bloodstream, which is a protein found in most cases of stage one ovarian cancer."

 

"Most cases?" I asked.

 

"All cases." Dr. Kim corrected. "Now, noticing your symptoms aren't that severe and the tumor isn't big, I'd say with surgery and a bit of low-dosage chemotherapy, you'll be okay."

 

"Be okay? What's that supposed to mean?" I scoffed.

 

"It means, you could go into remission, or, depending on how small the tumor is, you could be cancer-free for the rest of your life."

 

TOP kept silent, but his grip tightened on my hand as his leg shook.

 

"So... I do have cancer." I said plainly. 

 

"It's at an early stage, but yes."

 

"This surgery. When can she get it?" TOP croaked.

 

"We can schedule her for as early as two days from now."

 

"Couldn't it grow in that time?" TOP exclaimed.

 

"Not a remarkable amount that would change her diagnosis. Now, we need to take this step by step. The surgery is the first step. After that, we can decide what would be best for you. Now, we have therapists that can help you deal with this sudden news, if you'd like. It can help your family cope with this and....."

 

I checked out after this. I could believe it. Cancer. Ovarian cancer. I had it. What was I supposed to feel right now?

 

"Natalia? Natalia." TOP snapped me back into reality.

 

I jumped. "S-sorry."

 

"As I was saying, Natalia, this is a very scary time for you, and I understand that. But we caught it early, which is great. You have a great chance of being perfectly fine. But... We need to talk about risks."

 

"Okay." I nodded. My mouth was dry.

 

"The surgery is your best bet, and there's always risks with surgeries. If the tumor is wrapped around enough, we may have to remove that ovary and Fallopian tube."

 

My heart sank. TOP spoke. "But.. But you can stil have a kid with one ovary, right?"

 

"It's less likely of a chance, but yes, you can. Now, if you don't want to do the surgery and go straight to radiation, that would damage your reproductive system to the point where there is no chance you could have more children."

 

"But what about when I get chemo after?"

 

"That's going to be in small doses, so it wont effect much. So, Natalia, this is your decision. What do you want to do?"

 

I looked at TOP. He squeezed my hand. "I think we know what the better choice is."

 

I cleared my throat and looked at Dr. Kim. "Can we schedule the surgery now?"

 

-----

 

After the appointment, TOP and I walked of to the parking garage silently. I couldn't believe this. This couldn't happen. Not to me. Not to my family. I was hurting all of them.

 

The twins.

 

I stopped suddenly. I felt like I couldn't breathe. My mind was going crazy with thoughts... Thoughts of the twins and TOP having to live without me...

 

I was scared.

 

"Nat..." TOP said quietly, looking back at me. He was a step ahead of me.

 

I looked at the ground blankly. I let my Chanel bag hit the ground. I shook my head. "No... No..."

 

I started crying hysterically. I can't put anyone through this. They've been through so much already because of me.

 

TOP put his arms around me and held me up even though my knees had given out from underneath me. "Natalia, Natalia, sshhh...." TOP kept saying.

 

"I-I can't deal with this. My family can't deal with this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."

 

"You have nothing to apologize for." TOP said, loosening his grip on me. He looked at me. His face was streaked with tears. "We just have to deal with this now. You're going to have the surgery, and then it'll be gone, okay? You'll be perfect again."

 

"But... Not having anymore kids... I-"

 

"I don't care about that right now." TOP interrupted. "Right now, all I want is for you to be healthy. If that means you can't have any more kids, then oh we'll. We already have two perfect children. So calm down, okay? You're going to be okay." TOP kissed me softly. "We're all going to be okay."