Title: Belonged

Reviewed by: exoexoexolellel

First impression (4/5)

Your poster was great, the description was capturing but the background threw me off; I will get to that a little later.

Story title (8/10)

One-word titles are challenging because it basically means you have described your story in one word. You should be able to express the meaning hidden in the title throughout the story. "Belonged" sounds nice to me (partly because I chose that topic twice in public speaking competitions in my primary years) and I was definitely interested in the story.

Currently you are the only author to have a fanfic titled "Belonged" so that's a plus in terms of originality. However, you don't outright refer the story to the title unless I'm being really oblivious here. I am taking guesses as to how it's related but I need more evidence to connect the two. It's a little concerning as you're already 17 chapters in but then again, some authors prefer to spill out all the secrets right at the end of the story and allow the readers to realise the relevance then.

Graphics (2/5)

To be honest, it looks a little messy but who am I to judge, I'm so bad at art. I'm actually and EXO fan and haven't been bothered to search up the other groups let alone be familiar with individual idols so bear with me here. The man in the white shirt, by making him bigger it implies that he's the main character, but he is not. I have no idea what the background is supposed to be but I like how the blue in "Belonged" correlates with the blue outline of the white shirt guy.

Also, you should tell us how the quote in the poster is related to the content of your story because I'm a little lost. I'm going to have to deduct marks as although you have the title in the same font and colour put on the background, I don't see any purple on the poster. The background needs to scream out angst to give readers the depressing feel of the story, after all, it's what we see in our peripheral vision while reading.

But I assume you can't get it fixed as you probably got that poster two years ago...

Description and foreword (10/10)

This part was definitely well done. The quote is well picked as it describes the story perfectly and boldening it brings attention to it. It's also an intruging effect to start you description off with the quote. The content of the description is perfect, really. The dividing of the paragraphs also make it look really good. You also build tension and suspense through your words.

Plot / flow / originality (19/20)

The plot is pretty original and interesting. The background information of how Sungmin was unwanted in this world really got me and I definitely learnt a few life lessons in your chapters :P

There is one thing I'm confused about, the first time Kyuhyun and Sungmin had , was that in broad daylight?  A bit shocking...

I like how you made it that we look through all four men's eyes to tell us the story. The flow's a little crooked but you still managed to connect scenarios through mutiple chapters. Nevertheless, you did really well in this category.

Grammar (12/20)

Your foreword told me that your grammar was going to be great though there will be flaws. I was partially correct though I was a little disappointed when you got muddled up with the tenses. Do take it into account that half of these mistakes are only displayed in the first few chapters and I'm guessing your grammar improved over the past two years so just get a beta-reader to run it over.

Note; the sentences in italics are quotes from your story. The words in bold are the corrections I've made. {{Braces}} indicate paragraphs that I have rephrased.

Personally (and I think the majority of readers prefer as well) I enjoy reading formal grammar stories (unless it's fluff/happy). Or more like, if it's not formal it's off my list. I expect angst stories to excel in formality because then I don't get the full emotional feel of the story. You frequently add "well" and I saw "oh you don't know" in the first few chapters and by saying that, you are telling me that YOU as in the author, is narrating the story. But it isn't you who's narrating the story, is it?

"When they were still in light blue shirts and black shorts and yellow round hats and their mums are as tall as giants."

If the repetition of "and" is intended, keep it there though I've corrected it because I found it a little too much. "Are" is present tense but you are referring to the past.

"When they were still in light blue shirts, black shorts and yellow round hats, their mums as tall as giants."

There are also times where you switch tense and it's pretty easy to pick the mistake up because you carry it along. Here is one example that has extra flaws in it:

"His fingers were tickling the latter’s inner thighs; drawing circles and wavy lines and that made that made Sungmin grunted and moaned and huffed, and gripped the arm rest of the couch so tight that Kyuhyun could hear the fabric squeaked as it met against the sweaty skin."

"His fingers were tickling the latter’s inner thighs, (not a semicolon) drawing circles and wavy lines and that made Sungmin grunt and moan and huffand grip the arm rest of the couch so tight that Kyuhyun could hear the fabric squeak as it met against the sweaty skin."

As of above, there are many sentences throughout the story where you have used semicolons in the wrong places.

"Rainbows just; disappear."

"Rainbows just disappear."

Semicolons should only be used to connect two indepedent clauses with conjuctive adverbs or transitional phrases.

"and and and"

I think this was intended and when I read it at first I was like WHOA. Then I read it again and naturally, I read it in a really cheerful, over enthusiastic voice which I use quite often in real life but I'm not sure if your readers do