Title: Where My Demons Hide

Reviewed by: exoexoexolellel

First Impression

I don't usually read fanfics and even though I want to improve that, I have to admit I was weary when I started reviewing it. I'm not against same love, its just that the and yuri stories I've come across so far are not greatly written. When I first took a look at your title, I thought "Hmm, this sounds really familiar". I then looked at your chapter titles and my eyes literally popped. I love this song so much and I got so excited to read this story.

Story Title

I think it's genius to merge your story into a song - especially one that I love - though your title is not significantly unique. What will help people recognise your story is by imagining the graphic with it, which I will get to later. However, I don't see the relevance of the title to the story. I'm guessing "demons" is a symbolism that the readers will connect the two at the end of the story?

Graphics

I read one of your author's notes and you stated that you made the poster, which I think is pretty good but it's a bit off for your story. As this story has angst and abuse embedded into it, I think the poster should portray more of a violent vibe. Taking a good look at the poster, I woud have believed that they were angels, providing that there's the quote "Sleep, my angel, sleep..." Posters and the title come in a package; if you think of the title, you'll think of the poster designed for the story.

Backgrounds draw and engage the reader in the foreword. I suggest a dark, mysterious background that collaborates with the poster. It will also help deepen the angsty feel.

Description and Foreword

This is by far one of the best forewords I have ever seen. I was just so caught up in the description that I forgot to analyse for flaws. The trailer is amazing. I sat there completely stunned. Great job.

Just one thing; you spelt "remorse" as remoarse in your foreword.

Plot / Flow / Originality

I think your plot is really interesting and engaging. Many people come up with great ideas but can't seem to express it well in a story whereas you did a pretty good job of it. Your plot is simple and easy to remember which is a good thing. Some stories featuring a whole new society tend to get out of hand as the author keeps adding more and more new ideas until eventually the readers lose interest in the story. It's probably a good time to start planning if you haven't already; you can manage the flow of your story better and can easily correct mistakes before you officially post the chapter.

Grammar

Note; the sentences in italics are quotes from your story. The words in bold are the corrections I've made. {{Braces}} indicate paragraphs that I have rephrased.

In Chapter 1, there are a few mistakes here and there.

In the third sentence of the first paragraph, you wrote "But he can't help feeling disappointed when he finds out he's been summoned for a viewing tomorrow."

Just change "feeling" into feel.

"In Fighter academies, viewings are nothing but a time slot for citizens to come in and test out the fighters for sale, a merchandise showcase."

There should be a semicolon instead of the second comma.

{{In Fighter academies, viewings are nothing but a time slot for citizens to come in and test out the fighters for sale; a merchandi