41. DO YOU TRUST ME?

As we rode back home on puppy’s bike, I hugged him tight and whispered sweet loving words to calm him down. When he stopped at a traffic junction, he turned around and said, “Stop sweet talking me yeobo. I am very upset with you. How could you keep such a thing from me?”

"I didn't tell because I knew this is exactly how you will react. Do you honestly think jagi that I will risk my life for another child when we already have minx?"

"Whatever my reaction, you should have still told me yeobo. You could at least have warned me what to expect."

"I realize that and am sorry for not preparing you better for the meeting with the doctor. I didn't mean to keep you in the dark. But you need to know that any pregnancy has the same risks. There are ways to keep one safe. If you are willing I will explain them in detail at home. Please don't decide anything without hearing me out. There will always be only one reason for me to risk my life, and that's to save someone's life in our family."

"I will listen but I don't promise that I will agree."

"That's okay jagi. All you need to do is listen first and then decide what you want. If you don’t want to go ahead with the procedure after understanding the precautions, we won’t talk about this again.

“You won’t hide anything?”

“Promise I won’t.”

“I thought you trusted me enough to tell me everything yeobo. I am really hurt.”

“I am sorry, really sorry jagi. I never meant to hurt you. I just didn’t want to worry you without any cause. I felt certain that having successfully carried minx, I would be able to carry our babies too. Please forgive me. I love you jagi. I am sorry to have hurt you.”

When we reached home, everyone was at the hagwon. I had taken the day off and puppy was having his weekly off. We checked on uncle’s mother and went to our room. I didn’t have any books, so I connected the notebook to the internet and found the abdominal anatomy of men. Puppy watched me as I took off my shirt and took his hand in mine. I guided his hand over my abdomen explaining the organs he was feeling and their positions and functions. He traced my surgery scar and kissed it.

“Yeobo we really don’t need another baby. Minx is enough for me.”

“You said you will listen before deciding jagi.”

He nodded and I continued.

I opened a site about risks of multiple pregnancy and ectopic pregnancy.

I explained the IVF procedure to him. How the is fertilized with a donor female’s egg and then allowed to grow in a petridish or a test tube till it is a few days old embryo. The embryo is inserted into the abdominal cavity of the man near the place suitable for placenta to attach.

“What is placenta?”

“Placenta is a mass of blood vessels that attach to the wall or other places in the pregnant person. It carries nutrition and oxygen to the baby. In women it attaches to uterus, in men it can be anywhere in the abdominal cavity. This is the first risk. The best place for placenta to attach in a man is the abdominal wall. How we can minimize the risk is to implant the embryos as near the abdominal wall as possible. Weekly ultrasounds keep a tab on it and we can always abort if it attaches in any place risky.”

“What is the risk of wrong place?”

“It can cause hemorrhaging, the organ’s functioning may change due to the hormones secreted by the placenta, and the organ’s blood supply can reduce. But basically it’s the hemorrhage that is most risky at the time of delivery.”

“Where did minx and Jongin attach?”

“Abdominal wall.”

“How sure are you that this time also it will be the abdominal wall?”

“About 95% sure jagi.”

“What else, doctor said something about too many fetuses for smaller space?”

“A woman usually delivers around week 40 of pregnancy. Kibum delivered in 33^rd week and minx was born in 36^th week of pregnancy. Kibum had a pre-existing respiratory problem which was aggravated by the growing baby. Even women have similar problems yeobo. Most of the risks mentioned by the doctor occur in women too”

“Did you have any problems?”

“The placenta was not secreting enough of hCG hormone and so I had to be given daily injections of it. Its side-effects were increased vomiting. Plus I was on bed rest for nearly six months because of increased chances of miscarriage. Kibum sailed through his pregnancy without any such problems. I think it was the tension I had in my mind about my marriage. I was not a happy person during my pregnancy, while Kibum was at his happiest possible.”

“Come here yeobo. You are sitting too far away at the end of the bed.”

I went to sit in his arms. He sat on the bed with his back to the headboard and made place for me to sit between his bent legs, my back to his chest. I leaned my head back on his shoulder and kissed his cheek. He wrapped his arms around me, his fingers tracing my surgery scar.

“My next complication was not actually a complication. It was the result of a fall in the bathroom. This again can happen to any pregnant person. The day before my surgery was scheduled, I fell while showering and the placenta detached causing internal hemorrhage, and minx was unable to get the oxygen needed to survive. I had an emergency surgery to keep her alive.” I didn’t tell him that the doctor had cut into my abdomen before the anesthesia could take effect just to save minx.

“What are the other risks yeobo?”

“The baby is usually delivered pre-mature to prevent risks to internal organs of the pregnant man. A baby older than 36 weeks can cause major damage. I was told that the best time to deliver would be from 32 to 36 weeks and depends on the baby’s growth.”

“Why you could carry later than Kibum?”

“Jongin was bigger in size than minx. The longer a baby is inside, better it is for the baby but riskier for the pregnant man.”

“Hmmm.”

“Then are the usual risks for both men and women. Gestational diabetes, which is high blood sugar during the pregnancy. High blood pressure and its worst cousin pre-eclampsia. When a baby kicks inside a woman, the uterus acts as a buffering wall. In a man, that does not happen, so the kicks are sharper and organs get kicked. But this is not strong enough to cause a damage, more like light punches.”

“Hmmm, is it same for twins and triplets?”

“The main issue will be the right delivery time. More the number of babies, smaller the size of each one. Triplets might need to be delivered around week 30, but a baby’s lungs’ growth is usually complete around week 32. Twins can be delivered around week 32 or after. But it all depends case to case and on the space in the abdominal cavity.”

“How will the doctor judge the growth?”

“There will be weekly ultrasounds and other tests. The pregnancy will be much more closely monitored than a woman’s who has about one to three ultrasounds during the entire pregnancy.”

“Then why are more men not getting pregnant?”

“Variety of reasons. Appa paid the clinic well to keep Kibum’s pregnancy a secret. Mine also did not become public. In return of full medical care without any fee, I had signed the papers for my name to appear in the research results. But you have to understand one thing jagi, child bearing and rearing is traditionally considered a woman’s domain. Men are not like you and me. Even Minho did not want to carry the baby. He wanted me to get pregnant because he considered me the female in the relationship. And most importantly, the whole procedure is prohibitively expensive. This is why I wanted us to be financially stable before considering it.”

“I am still not comfortable with your getting pregnant yeobo. I still don’t want to risk your life. I can’t live without you.”

“And I can’t live without you jagi. If you could become pregnant, would you?”

“Yes, I would. I would love to carry our baby.”

“Even if I could lose you? Do you think I would be willing to risk your life? If something happened to you, how would I live jagi? Do consider that.”

“And how would I live yeobo if something happened to you?”

“Jagi when you moved in, you got shot within a few days. I almost lost you that night. I saw you on that gurney, soaked in your blood, five holes in your chest, and you were not breathing. I cannot even begin to explain to you what I went through till you regained consciousness. Even when you woke up, I knew the post-operative risks. I smiled for all. I gave strength to your father, to our families. And I lived every second in fear of losing you from the time I got the call.”

He hugged me tighter and kissed my cheek, “Don’t think about it yeobo. It’s over. I am alright. And I am not going to leave you ever.”

“You cannot promise me that jagi. I relive that night every day you leave for work. I breathe in relief only when you return home safe. As far as I am concerned, you risk your life daily. I don’t know when I am going to receive another phone call and if I will be as lucky again.”

I turned around and hugged him tight, burying my face in his neck.

“I love you jagi. I cannot live without you. Still I let you go to work every day with a smile on my face and a prayer in my heart. I trust your judgment to keep yourself safe to return back to me. I know you will not take unnecessary risks.”

Puppy silently rubbed my back with one hand. I had never told him all this before. He pulled my face up with his other hand and kissed me softly. Again and again.

“My loving yeobo. My brave yeobo. I love you so much.” He kept repeating between his kisses.

“I love you too jagi. No words can say how much.” I took his hand and kept it on my abdomen.

“When I got pregnant with minx, it was not for Minho. He had asked me since Kibum got pregnant but I refused. I got pregnant because I wanted to have a child of my own. Now, I don’t want a child of my own. I want to have our child. I want a symbol of our love. I want to carry your child. I want our child who will be created from your body and nurtured by mine. Do you trust me enough to keep myself safe for you, minx and our byongs?”

“I do yeobo,” puppy replied tearily.  

I kissed his eyes to wipe his tears with my lips. “Jagi make love to me right now please.”

We made sweet love, showing our love with our bodies. When we lay in each other’s arms, puppy said, “Once only yeobo. I am not as brave as you. I cannot breathe just at the thought of your life at risk. I can bear it only once. Please don’t ask me again. One baby, twins or triplets, I leave it to your judgment. But please be safe. Promise me yeobo you will not take risks with your life. Promise me you will keep yourself safe. Promise me you will be with me for life.”

“I promise jagi. I want a lifetime with you and all our children. I want to grow old with you. I want us to play together with our grandchildren. I want to tell you and show you how much I love you for all the days of our long life.”

We smiled and kissed again to seal our promises. We kept kissing as we dressed and went to prepare dinner. Puppy had learned to cook and we made short work of the preparations. Looking at the clock, I prepared hot chocolate for the girls and coffee for him, myself and imo. We heard the door open as I was putting the cups in the serving tray.

Nothing was said about our decision to the family. We wanted it to sink in us first.

Next day Heechul came to my room and locked the door. “Jinki have you gone crazy? I just got off a long call from Simba. You are not going ahead with the babies. Come to your senses.”

“I am in my senses Cinderella. Stop being dramatic about it. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t consider it safe enough.”

“Count me out of this craziness. I cannot risk your life for a baby. No way.”

“You are not. Will you stop worrying? I won’t have triplets. That would be risky. But twins will be okay. They will be really small compared to a woman’s, but they will be healthy and I will be okay too.”

“You are mad Jinx.”

“It’s a calculated risk Cinder. I will not do anything to risk my life. Trust me on this.”

Heechul looked at me wide eyed and silently shook his head again.

“Now you better keep a list of boy and girl names ready. Gender is not made to order. You will have to take whichever is born and puppy gets the first dibs at deciding which one he wants us to keep.”

“So you are going to give us leftovers?”

“Hush, don’t call my byong a left over.”

“Byong? Oh yeah Simba told me what you call the babies. You have one crazy sense of humor. And if you put your life at risk, I will kill you myself.”

I grinned at him and he grinned back at me. We high fived.

“But I cannot keep it private like before. I am leading too public a life now. Do you think there will be a backlash?” I worried.

“You are partner of a police officer, running an academy full of police families. No one would dare to protest anywhere near you. The ladies attending the academy positively dote on you. I should be jealous but you are too adorable for jealousy. I think your pregnancy will be welcomed by all and we might get complaints from some husbands whose wives will pester them for the same.”

“It will increase your work load Cinder. I don’t know how long I will be able to continue working. Whether I will be on complete bed rest or I can come to work. I don’t know.”

“We have set it up so well, things run smoothly. I can take care of any issues that need attention. You only focus on taking care of yourself and the babies. Do you hear me?”

“Loud and clear sir. Aye, aye sir.” I saluted him. He whacked me. We both laughed.

I was happy. Puppy had scheduled an appointment with the clinic for the following week to finalize the details and sign the contract. We tried to keep our hopes under control. Unsuccessfully.

We were breathless and giddy with anticipation of our byongs.