1. UPROOTED LIFE

With a numb mind I reversed the car out of my driveway. I just needed to get away from Minho. But where would I go? I looked at my sleeping daughter, Minki, in the front passenger seat. I had reclined the seat so she could continue to sleep. Minki was only one year eleven months old. Where could I go to keep her safe? I needed to think. But all I could think about was what Minho had said.

“He meant beautiful in another way. He told me to send Minki to his room. I laughed and bid him goodnight.”

Where would my Minki be safe? Where would Minho and his friends be unable to reach her? Before any answer could come to my mind, I found myself parking the car. My heart knew the answer before my mind did.

Of course, my parents! They would keep my daughter safe. My father would kill Minho before he would allow him to lay even a finger on Minki and my mother would hand the weapon to my father. Yes, my daughter would be safe with them.  

I didn’t think whether I should or I could.

I knew I had to.

I just had to stay with my parents for a while. But how would I explain it? I had just erased ten year history of my life in a span of ten minutes.

I walked into the house with sleeping Minki on one shoulder and two bags on the other. I had refused the help from the guard. The door was not locked and I walked in. Kibum and Jongin were napping in their room, judging by the silence in the house. I went straight to my mother’s room. She was watching her favorite drama series and was surprised to see me walk in.

I laid Minki down on umma’s bed and tucked her in to complete her sleep, placing pillows on both sides of her to prevent her from falling down the bed. I put the bags in a corner of the room. Umma had a thousand questions on her face. I told her to switch off the tv and come to the family room with me. We left the bedroom door open and sat in the family room which was adjacent to her room. I requested the maid to prepare a cup of tea for me.

“Jinki why have you come with bags and sleeping Minki? What happened?”

“Umma can I stay with you for a few weeks?”

“What happened? Is everything okay? Did Minho fight with you again?”

“Umma as you know I am nearing the end of my accounting course. I was unable to finish any of the previous courses I had joined. This time I want to get certified. Can I stay with you till I get my certification?”

“Of course. You know that you and Minki are welcome to stay anytime for as long as you want.”

“But, will it be okay with everyone else?”

“How can you ask Jinki? You know your father will be very happy to have you stay again. He misses Minki. Kibum and you are such bosom buddies that I feel jealous sometimes. Taemin also should not be saying anything.”

“Thank you umma. Thank you so much.”

“Are you sure you are telling me everything?”

“You are so suspicious umma.”

She called out to the maid to add some special herbs to my tea. My cough was really bad.

“Jinki have you been to the doctor? Your cough is getting bad.” She touched my forehead and found it hot. She called our family doctor and made an appointment for me for that evening. “Taemin will take you to the doctor tonight. You need to take better care of yourself son.”

“Don’t worry umma. I will be alright. Thank you for making the appointment. Why trouble Tae. I will drive myself. I have brought the car with me.”

“I will let Tae decide.”

As I was sipping my tea, Kibum walked out of his room.

“Hyung! What are you doing here? Is everything okay?” Kibum asked a barrage of questions while hugging me in welcome.

Umma answered before I could, “Jinki will be staying with us for a few weeks till he completes his accounting course.”

“That’s wonderful news hyung. What would you like to have for dinner? Should I get some fried chicken prepared?”

“Anything will do Kibum. Don’t worry. I will have whatever everyone is having.”

“Oh, you are coughing so badly. Let me get you some medicine.”

“It’s okay Bummie. I am already taking medicine. Come sit down for a while.”

The maid served tea and snacks to umma and Kibum.

Kibum kept glancing at me while drinking his tea. I raised my brows in question. He raised his. I shook my head. He smiled. I smiled in return. He relaxed and beamed at me.

Ah my Bummie! If you only knew the storm that just uprooted my life.

We talked of mundane things. Umma made me eat something and Kibum got a fever medicine for me. The kids got up almost at the same time. They came looking for their mothers but were so happy on locating us.

Minki made a beeline for Kibum’s lap screaming, “Key ummmaaaaa!” Only it sounded more like Tee umma to us. Jongin screamed “omonnniiiiiiii” and immediately climbed onto me to hug me in his little arms. Umma waited for someone to remember her. I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and brought her into a three-way hug with me and Jongin.

Jongin immediately began prattling non-stop to me. Minki was hardly speaking but was still communicating something to Kibum. Umma went to get milk and snacks for both of them.

I pushed Minho to a corner of my mind. I will analyze our situation later in the night or maybe after some days. I did not want to think about him ever, but I knew that was not possible.

Kids had their food and began running and playing around,. Their favorite game was to play catch with each other and run from one end to the other end inside the house.

Appa and Taemin received me the same way Kibum did with umma running intervention and explaining the reason for my arrival. Taemin had a business meeting at home only, so I went to the doctor alone. It took a long time. After x-rays and everything, I was prescribed medicine and told the precautions to take.

While I was getting my check up done, Kibum had called Minho to invite him for dinner. If Minho said something to Kibum, I had no idea nor did I ask. I came to know this only when I returned and found Minho there for dinner. 

A week passed, but my health did not improve even an iota. I went to my home to get more stuff for myself and Minki, including my computer. Other things began settling into a sort of routine. Umma wouldn’t let me do anything for Minki. They had fun dressing in the morning. Kibum had fun doing her hair. Since the maid was there, I literally had nothing to do at all. Minki would go out every evening with Tae, Kibum and Jongin. She would sleep rolled into umma at night.  

I heard her laugh for the first time in months. I had not realized that like me my daughter had also forgotten how to laugh.

In two weeks’ time when my classes and exams were over, I came to know the course counselor had misguided me. I would need to do internship for a month in an office before I could begin to get any kind of work to take home with me. I was highly disappointed. I had already imposed so much on umma and Kibum for the duration of the course. Now a month of further burden to them of Minki while I completed my internship and this would be for normal office hours.

My maid had refused to look after Minki at my parent’s place. She preferred to work for Minho instead. Seeing how worried I was, Kibum asked and I had to narrate my disappointment. He comforted me and said he was there to help umma and it was a matter of one month only.

We celebrated Minki’s second birthday in a low key manner. Minho did not attend it.

A month passed, slowly but it did. I approached many offices and gathered work to do from home. During the day I hardly had any time to do my work, Minki kept me busy. I could begin work only after putting Minki to bed with umma at night. Appa would find me working on my computer till early morning hours. He would know because he could hear me coughing through the night. I had visited many doctors but there was no improvement in my health. One doctor even called my lungs ‘smoker’s lungs’.

After three months had passed since my arrival, umma finally broached the subject of my returning to my home. For a moment I did not know what to tell her or even how to tell her. Finally, I decided to say things as they came to mind.

“Umma I am not going back to Minho.”

“Whattttt? You cannot mean that Jinki.”

“I do. I am sorry I did not tell you this earlier. When I came in March, I had decided to leave Minho. I am not going back. My marriage is over.”

“No, Jinki. You cannot do that. You know your father and Taemin. Even Kibum would not let you leave Minho.”

“But I have left him umma. I will leave here if I am a burden on you all. But I will not go back to Minho.”

“No, no. You cannot leave here. You have nowhere else to go. Let me think how to tell everyone.”

“I am sorry umma.”

She just patted my shoulder and left the kitchen, deep in thought.

When appa played with Minki after dinner, as was his routine, umma had a talk with him. I do not know what they said. They talked in umma’s room.

Next morning, appa called me while everyone was having tea together. Children were still sleeping. I too used to sleep with Minki to catch up on my rest.

“Jinki your mother tells me you have left Minho.”

“Yes appa.”

“Why?”

“Do not ask me the reason. There are many. I cannot narrate them all.”

“I know he is not an ideal husband. But he is not that bad either Jinki.”

I remained silent.

“You have to talk Jinki. Silence won’t do. I need to know the reason.”

“Appa, we are a family of three, but he does not contribute anything towards household or Minki’s expenses. He never has till now. He says I am not good enough of a partner for him to give money to run the house. For Minki he says to take the money from you. It is not possible to take care of the house and Minki with the rent money alone.” I went silent hoping this would be enough.

“That is not reason enough. I will talk to him and make him contribute from the clinic income. I thought he already was doing so and you were spending all of it.”

Umma spoke up, “How can you think so? Don’t you know Jinki at all?”

“That is not all appa.”

“What else is there?”

“He drinks and misbehaves. I cannot take the abuses and the beatings anymore. I am tired of fighting with him.”

“He is not the only one fighting Jinki. Your neighbors have told me you scream the most at him. It is your temper you need to control. You need to stop shouting at Minho.”

“But –”

“No buts Jinki. You have to make your marriage work for the sake of Minki.”

“Our fighting is seriously affecting Minki also. I do not want her to grow up in such a home.”

“Then stop screaming at Minho.”

Umma intervened again. “Jinki is not crazy to scream without reason. How many times have you heard him screaming in the past months here? If he screamed at Minho there must be a reason for it. He is your son yet you are not willing to listen to him and understand him. If you don’t who will?”

“But these are not reasons to break a marriage. Taemin also misbehaves with Kibum sometimes, but Kibum is not leaving him.”

“And you think your son is so shallow that he will leave his marriage for no rhyme or reason? Jinki why don’t you tell us what happened the day you left? I am sure something happened. I knew it the moment I saw your face. But you did not want to talk so I gave you time.”

I thought for a moment. I did not want to tell. I had no words to say aloud what had happened.

Taemin opened his mouth to speak but umma silenced him. He began sulking.

“Minho’s friend asked for Minki to be sent to his bed at night. Minho did not say anything to his friend. He just laughed. I cannot live with such a man. My daughter’s safety is more important to me.”

Kibum and Taemin immediately protested the statement. Appa and umma were silent. They silenced the other two also. Since no one spoke to me after that, I returned to the bedroom I was sharing with umma.

I had known it. No one would believe me. No one would stand by me. I began coughing worse than usual.

Umma sat beside me and held my hand. “Why didn’t you say anything earlier Jinki?”

I sat silent, my head hanging down in shame. I was deeply shamed by Minho’s actions.

“Why do you shout so much at Minho?”

“Umma everyone hears my shouting. It is nothing but a reaction to what Minho says to me. Since Minho speaks in a very soft voice, no one ever hears him. I speak loudly and everybody hears me only and they think I am the only one fighting while Minho is a saint for putting up with my bad temper. I don’t want to fight with him umma. But he will provoke me with his words till I cannot remain silent. I have hardly spoken with him in the past year umma.”

“Don’t worry. Things will be alright.” She patted my hand and left her room.

I sat silent on the bed, staring at sleeping Minki. My arms wrapped around my bent knees, trying to control my worsening cough. My family had behaved predictably.

No one had even thought to hug me in consolation. My touchy-feely family had reached a decision and communicated it to me with their silent actions. It affirmed my belief that I was alone in the battle to keep my daughter safe.

I waited the whole day. Kibum did not even speak to me. When Taemin and Kibum went out that evening, they left behind a crying Minki. I took her out for ice cream in my car but she kept crying for her Key umma. Finally, I stopped the car on the side of a silent street and hugged her tight to me.

And I cried for the first time since leaving Minho.